So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

[Beautifulbutterfly22]

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements

@User57327259

There seems to be some expectation of childminding by parents today. Grandparents are supposed to provide all the childminding needed often doing other household tasks like ironing DIY and gardening. Many grandparents are emotionally blackmailed into this. The grandparents provide this help all free of charge but at some point in the future they become ill even temporarily the parents get very angry, wont help the grandparent like shopping, picking up medications or even just visit and converse with the grandparent. While the grandparent is childminding several days a week they don't really notice that their adult child is only dropping off the child or picking the child up and not actually seeing the grandparent as a person they should at least hold a conversation with and not just dash in drop off or pick up child with barely a word. It is not a good plan to childmind for your family.

I agree....one thing we shouldn't forget...not that this makes the DIL's behaviour ok AT ALL...it;s not...it's absolutely disgusting...but families today have a terribly hard time making ends meet.

Inflation and low wages combine to leave people in dire straits and perhaps this trend you've noticed is as a result of that.

Obviously normal, nice people would NEVER blackmail someone like this...they'd just struggle on.

Totally unreasonable.

Asking for four days a week childcare is far too much, even if grandparents don't work: it's a big burden.

Some grandparents do 1-2 days a week, which can provide a good balance of being involved and building a good relationship, versus allowing grandparents to pursue their own interests and have time to relax.

Regardless, whatever arrangement should be one that suits all parties.

If you find it hard to make ends meet, the solution is not to get someone else to quit work, so they have reduced income/pensions.

@Beautifulbutterfly22

I have text daughter-in-law and (useless) son to ask if I can meet up with them for a chat when I drop grandson off on Saturday (taking him swimming with other grand kids Saturday morning). I am going to tell them no once and for all for the 4 days.. I can drop 1 work day and watch him for 1 day a week to help them out. Thank you for all your messages and I have realised I am NOT being unreasonable over this!... Its so hard when it's your family

You don't even need to do this. You're being very generous in your offer.

I agree with posters saying do not explain. Just use the tried and tested phrase: this doesn't work for me. If they threaten to withdraw their child from contact with you say : l hope that won't happen. Nothing else.
Bullies like to make you feel confused in your decisions so you end up doing something you never intended to do. A counsellor gave me this criteria when grown ds was asking for money as under pressure financially : if you can give it cheerfully with no feeling of pressure do it but as soon as you feel pressure STOP!
These people are outrageous and guess what..they will have more respect from you when you stand your ground, calmly saying NO!
If they were more respectful l might consider one day but they have gone too far now so don't do it at all. You will find dealing with your demanding dil impossible and your ds won't make things any easier. The whole relationship will totally break down as they will be so difficult to work with.
And as a side note l wouldn't be buying all gc toys regularly only at birthdays and Christmas.

I've spent years looking after kids, when the time comes, i'm looking forward to bring a footloose granny!

@Beautifulbutterfly22 If DIL's mother has a nice job in a bank, can she not help them with childcare costs??

This is really not your responsibility. I worry that even committing to one day a week, every week, will become a burden. You need a day off too. If you went down to 4 days working, you could do with a day for yourself?
I don't think you should commit at all - ad-hoc days here and there yes.

Unfortunately there are a group of parents who utterly begrudge paying childcare.

I certainly have come across them.

Their sun and winter holidays are non negotiables but they feel robbed for childcare🙄.

Don't be used!

It baffles me how parents expect their grandparents to drop everything and help out, like it’s their duty, no it’s not their duty, if you choose to have a child, they are fully your responsibility.
I hope things work out for you OP!

I know childcare is expensive, but I can't help thinking that they can more than likely afford it, they just don't want to.

You sound like a very thoughtful and kind mother and grandmother. It is they that are selfish and I would speak to your other two. Holstein about how you feel and maybe your other child an daughter in law hearing from them may make them re evaluate their behaviour. They are trying to push you into this because they think you are more likely to say yes compared to your daughter in laws mum. Please stick to your guns. Like you said you are not too young and you need to take care of yourself and do what you want. Please stay strong and do not give in.

Good luck for Saturday OP.
Don't let them get into an argument with you. Just keep repeating that you don't want to give up work and can only offer one day a week childcare. Keep repeating it. Don't apologise and done try to explain further.

Definitely Don't offer any temporary childcare.

Keep repeating yourself and be strong 💪🏻💪🏻

[quote Beautifulbutterfly22]@SofaSpuds... My other grown up children are saying to me don't do it! But I am so worried that they will cut back on the time my grand child spends with me my daughter in law is very vocal in the relationship and my son just follows what she says 😥 She hates it when grandchild has said he has had a good time at my house . I love having him but 4 x per week is too much for me [/quote]
Totally unfair for them to ask you to do this for them. Would you want to do any childcare? Could you do one/two days a week instead around your job?

I think leave it for now. They sound like they are the kind of people who will come running back once they want a babysitter for a night out or a weekend.

Why can't your husband do the other 3 days

@gingercat81 - and during illness, wanting a grown-up weekend away, school holidays.............

[quote Beautifulbutterfly22]@SofaSpuds... My other grown up children are saying to me don't do it! But I am so worried that they will cut back on the time my grand child spends with me my daughter in law is very vocal in the relationship and my son just follows what she says 😥 She hates it when grandchild has said he has had a good time at my house . I love having him but 4 x per week is too much for me [/quote]
Just say no OP,and continue to forge a solid bond with your son, and speak to him alone. He's bit the bullet and probably realises he has to either leave her or go along with everything she says,and he's chosen the latter,so easiest road is to just always try to keep a good discourse with him (not 'them') and just continue to reiterate how much you love seeing the little one and how you will always love having him ehen you can but 4 days a week is way too much. Maybe get the other kids to have a quiet word with him too.

Well it's an overwhelming 'no don't do it!' on here!

I think you need to accept that there is nothing on this earth you could do to earn the love you deserve, let alone appreciation from your dreadful DIL, but respect, of a begrudging sort, is within the realms of possibilities if you set your boundaries and say no. Try asking her what part of 'no' does she fail to understand. You are doing them a huge favour every time you put money into their child's account, take him swimming, facilitate interaction with his cousins by looking after them together, all things his own mother clearly has no time for. He is their child not yours. You did your bit bringing up her DH! I would also inform your son that you are deeply disappointed in him as he completely lacks backbone and he needs to stand up for his wonderful and giving mother. What a total bitch your DIL sounds; you on the other hand sound like every DILs dream.

@Beautifulbutterfly22

how are you 🌸

Hope you managed to have a conversation with them and they were respectful of your decision.

We would struggle without my parents providing 1 day a week childcare, but there was precedent as they did this for my sister. 4 days a week is a lot and taking the liss tbh. They should have had a plan in place for childcare before deciding to have a child

Good afternoon..I had a talk with my son and daughter-in-law about the childcare situation and it went down like a lead balloon!! Apparently 1 day a week looking after grandson isn't good enough! Daughter-in-law suggested I could start working nights (6-10) and maybe a weekend day at the store I work in instead of my normal 9-5 hours yes she really said that! I laughed as I thought it was a joke and they were pulling my leg..but no! she was very serious! She then took grandson to her mothers. Son said nothing much but looked very embarrassed! I told him they were taking the pi$$! Then left. Her mother can't watch grandson at all as she has an important job!...I am speechless! No texts/phone calls from the pair of them since! Husband is going round later to see son as he was also upset at the cheek of it all. I feel so used by the pair if them!

@Beautifulbutterfly22

I would gladly do one day a week as I have told them but this is not enough as they can't afford the other 3vdays in full time childcare..

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You are being more than reasonable. You know that, we all know that and your other children know that.

They should be very grateful for the one day you've offered. How selfish of them to make you feel bad. They chose to have the children. You've done your time and are helping as much as you can.

Wow - she is something else. Good for you sticking up for yourself. I'd rescind the offer to look after him even one day a week after that.