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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to a funeral when you don't know the person

124 replies

redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 11:34

NC for this...

My DH's best friend died a few weeks ago and the funeral is very soon. The numbers are pretty limited as there is still social distancing going on - but they are still allowed a good amount of people.

My DH has asked his friends parents if his brother can come along as they knew each other quite well and he expressed that he would like to show his presence there. I also think it would be of great comfort for my DH to have his brother there.

My DH had a message from his brother asking if his girlfriend could come along too. She's never met my DH's friend, never spoken to him either. She never messaged my DH when his friend died either.

Is it normal for people to want to go to a funeral of someone they don't know? I just find it odd that you'd want to sit there with people who are grieving and also celebrating the life of someone that you had no part of. Also I'm pretty annoyed with my BIL and I feel he should be coming to support his brother, not bringing his girlfriend of just over a year.

So AIBU to think that it's totally wrong for her to come?

OP posts:
TheQueef · 12/08/2021 11:35

I think that's odd.
Accompanying a lone mourner fair enough but they are going together so no need for her.

Akire · 12/08/2021 11:38

I would find it strange if his brother is going they have each other for support. It’s not a day out is it. Even without Covid and numbers you only end up chatting to people and telling them all you never knew the person.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2021 11:38

Yes it's in poor taste

It's what's known as 'just going for the beer and sandwiches'.

Hekatestorch · 12/08/2021 11:40

I think that's weird, unless your dhs brother needs a lot of support?

When my uncle died, my best friend came to the funeral, to support me (family situation was very toxic too, wasn't just over his death). I did need the support.

But other wise this does sound odd.

dancinfeet · 12/08/2021 11:41

Yes it's rude. I went to the funeral of the parent of my SIL- a friend drove me due to me not driving and the location. She sat outside in the car during the funeral, and we declined the invite to the wake as we felt it wouldn't be right, my friend knows my SIL but didn't know her parent.

VanillaSpiceCandle · 12/08/2021 11:43

Really inappropriate. I have no idea why they think this is ok. It would be different if it’s to go with someone who would otherwise have to attend alone/not know many people.

Their behaviour is disgusting.

Thingsdogetbetter · 12/08/2021 11:43

Is she Irish? Perfectly normal behaviour in Ireland. Strangers turn up at funerals if they are linked to mourners or even just live in the area because it's seen as supporting the family and showing them the community cares. And of course the 'beer and sandwiches' type turn up too.

SionnachRua · 12/08/2021 11:43

I can't see why she wants to go really but as long as she's not taking a space from someone who needs it, why not? But then here in Ireland we wouldn't bat an eyelid at this, it's normal for anyone and everyone to turn up at a funeral.

user1471462115 · 12/08/2021 11:44

Please don’t take anyone who does not know the deceased, it is awful having randoms at the worst day of your life and knowing they have no idea who you are mourning.

I have still not forgiven a sibling for bring a random chap to my grandads funeral they had only known a few weeks.
And at a recent funeral I asked a woman how she knew the deceased and she said she was a new girl friend of a cousin and had never even met the deceased.

It is just rude.

TooBigForMyBoots · 12/08/2021 11:44

If your BiL had wanted his gf there, he should have said at the beginning. If I was your DH, I would not be contacting the bereaved parents again.

5475878237NC · 12/08/2021 11:46

Unless this the cultural norm it is really inappropriate. The only time you should go to a funeral of someone you have never met is if you are going to represent someone who dearly wanted to be there themselves but couldn't and that's on request, not by inviting yourself.

AnneElliott · 12/08/2021 11:48

Unless she's Irish then it is odd. I have been to 2 funerals with DH where I didn't know the deceased. But they and DHs family are Irish and it was expected. I also already had the day off work for another reason - I would t have taken a day off specifically for someone I didn't know.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 12/08/2021 11:49

Going to the funeral of someone you don’t know to support another lone mourner or support the immediate family is a nice thing to do. My mum has just died. Quite a few of my friends came to the funeral. A couple only knew my mum in passing. But I really appreciated their support. This is different. I don’t think the girlfriend should be there.

autumnboys · 12/08/2021 11:49

Someone bought their adult son to my Dad’s funeral because he was staying with them that week. He laughed uproariously during the funnier stories/memories people shared and has been referred to as ‘laughing boy’ for the past 16 years. I suppose his feelings weren’t tempered by sadness/loss like the rest of us. A funeral is a public service and anyone can attend, the wake afterwards isn’t. I think they’re being a bit cheeky to be honest.

Original poster
redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 11:50

@Thingsdogetbetter

No she isn't Irish, but I did not know this. My MIL has Irish in her and attends everyone's funeral. I always thought it was odd but this clears it up a little!

OP posts:
MadamBatty · 12/08/2021 11:55

I’m Irish..,I’ve been to a lot of funerals. I wouldn’t go to that one. Particularly as the 2 men are going together.

Why would she want to go? Is she a Velcro girlfriend?

CoalCraft · 12/08/2021 11:55

Hmm, I think it is odd but only because the relationship is so new, and it sounds like BIL wasn't very close with the deceased? I think I'd want DH to come with me to a funeral of a friend or family member even if he hadn't met them.

Martianworld · 12/08/2021 12:00

I differ completely. Although it might be an issue at the moment due to covid numbers, I don't see a problem with it in normal circumstances. I don't believe that there are loads of people randomly going to funerals to get a free sandwich. And your BILs girlfriend is not a random, she's his girlfriend.
Also if a friend came to my relative's funeral, I'd be horrified if they left the person who'd been kind enough to bring them sitting outside. They'd be most welcome to come in for the service and have a cup of tea and something to eat after.

ExpressDelivery · 12/08/2021 12:01

At my DH's funeral lots of my friends and members of a club I belong to, who didn't really know DH came, which was lovely, they were there to show their support to me.

Some brought partners, some didn't. I don't think there was anyone there who I'd never met, but there were certainly people who'd never met DH.

There were also partners of DH's friends who DH wouldn't have known, but who were there to support their partner. I went to funerals with DH for people I didn't know.

I don't know why the GF in this case would want to go though, unless her partner is in need of a lot of support.

A generation or so ago it would have been very odd to go to any funeral without your spouse. My parents wouldn't consider going to anyone's funeral without the other.

Fizbosshoes · 12/08/2021 12:03

I think its customary in certain cultures. A work colleague of mine turned up at my Dads funeral which I thought was bloody weird unusual because he had never met my dad. He didnt stay for food though.

When my mum died a different work colleague asked if all the others who worked there were going to the funeral. My mum might have seen them very briefly a few times when she met me for lunch but none of them actually knew her.it was a bit awkward!

bridgetreilly · 12/08/2021 12:07

I think that it’s completely normal, tbh. If you are grieving, of course you want your partner with you for support. But if there are limited numbers she shouldn’t take someone else’s place.

Martianworld · 12/08/2021 12:12

@5475878237NC

Unless this the cultural norm it is really inappropriate. The only time you should go to a funeral of someone you have never met is if you are going to represent someone who dearly wanted to be there themselves but couldn't and that's on request, not by inviting yourself.
When my father died, a couple of friends of mine showed up at the church to show support for me although they had never met my dad. I thought it was lovely of them.Similarly I have done the same for friends. This was before covid and no one books in in advance. And I'm not Irish, have no Irish relatives and none of my friends are Irish. All sorts of people showed up at my dad's funeral. They were all welcome.
IhateBoswell · 12/08/2021 12:13

Yeah it’s weird.

Martianworld · 12/08/2021 12:15

@CoalCraft

Hmm, I think it is odd but only because the relationship is so new, and it sounds like BIL wasn't very close with the deceased? I think I'd want DH to come with me to a funeral of a friend or family member even if he hadn't met them.
According to the op, they've been going out for a year so not that new, surely. And BIL knew the person who'd died quite well.
HeronLanyon · 12/08/2021 12:16

martianworld I agree completely. Having recently arranged three funerals and a big memorial service (parents and a close friend) I would never question someone wanting their partner there. Why on earth would I ? Unless obvs there something catered and numbers were already at a limit etc or Covid related restrictions etc. But otherwise why would you question that ? English here.