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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going to a funeral when you don't know the person

124 replies

redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 11:34

NC for this...

My DH's best friend died a few weeks ago and the funeral is very soon. The numbers are pretty limited as there is still social distancing going on - but they are still allowed a good amount of people.

My DH has asked his friends parents if his brother can come along as they knew each other quite well and he expressed that he would like to show his presence there. I also think it would be of great comfort for my DH to have his brother there.

My DH had a message from his brother asking if his girlfriend could come along too. She's never met my DH's friend, never spoken to him either. She never messaged my DH when his friend died either.

Is it normal for people to want to go to a funeral of someone they don't know? I just find it odd that you'd want to sit there with people who are grieving and also celebrating the life of someone that you had no part of. Also I'm pretty annoyed with my BIL and I feel he should be coming to support his brother, not bringing his girlfriend of just over a year.

So AIBU to think that it's totally wrong for her to come?

OP posts:

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 15:16

And I take exception that people are saying it's bizarre and wrong for an English person to do it but perfectly acceptable for an Irish or Scottish person.

Apologies if I was one of these, it was certainly not want I meant at all. I just wanted to open the OP's eyes to cultural differences not to say this was exclusively an Irish or Scottish thing. Sorry if I offended or hurt anyone.

Martianworld · 12/08/2021 15:19

@DoubleDeckerSwimmer

There's nothing to take the wind out of someone's sails when they're in full flow than an apology. You're ruining my moment. 😂😂😂

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 12/08/2021 15:21

YABU. I’ve been to funerals of people I don’t know as a support to other people. Eg I went to my ex husband’s cousin’s funeral when I’d never met the guy but my ex wanted the support as they’d been very close 🤷‍♀️

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 15:22

[quote Martianworld]@DoubleDeckerSwimmer

There's nothing to take the wind out of someone's sails when they're in full flow than an apology. You're ruining my moment. 😂😂😂[/quote]
Shall I try to think of something else offensive to say?

Martianworld · 12/08/2021 15:35

@DoubleDeckerSwimmer

Shall I try to think of something else offensive to say?

It's engaging on mumsnet or housework so... pick a topic. Any topic. 🙂🙃🙂 😂

HeronLanyon · 12/08/2021 15:49

Grabs popcorn

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 12/08/2021 15:57

Martianworld

ah, ok, I forgot that many people saying something on Mumsnet must be the truth, the only truth and nothing but the truth.

clearly

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 15:58

@HeronLanyon

Grabs popcorn

Ha ha!

I won't really, as I do think OP is dealing with a sensitive issue and deserves MN advice and wisdom.

I did google this list of controversial topics:
games4esl.com/controversial-debate-topics/

Original poster

redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 16:02

@BananaMilkshakeWithCream

I do think you've missed the point a little. You went to a funeral to support your ex, that's fair enough.

My BIL is going to the funeral to support his brother

Where does his girlfriend fit into the equation?

Also to everyone from Ireland and Scotland and anywhere else that has been mentioned. Thanks for educating me I didn't know that's how other cultures saw funerals. But I will add this girlfriend is English and not religious and I've never known her to have views like yourselves.

OP posts:

Martianworld · 12/08/2021 16:05

@HeronLanyon and @DoubleDeckerSwimmer

I was just joking back to Double, I didn't think we were going to have an argument or even continue our conversation. I thought we'd just laughed off the situation. I must have misread things. Sorry.

Martianworld · 12/08/2021 16:07

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

Martianworld

ah, ok, I forgot that many people saying something on Mumsnet must be the truth, the only truth and nothing but the truth.

clearly

It doesn't make it universally true for everyone but if so many people are saying it's true for them, then surely it negates your comment of it being unusual.

Cocolapew · 12/08/2021 16:08

Going to support your DP or DH or best friend whether or not you've met the deceased is totally different to this.
The BIL wasn't best friends with the deceased and was going to support his brother.

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 16:24

[quote Martianworld]**@HeronLanyon* and @DoubleDeckerSwimmer*

I was just joking back to Double, I didn't think we were going to have an argument or even continue our conversation. I thought we'd just laughed off the situation. I must have misread things. Sorry.[/quote]
I thought we had laughed it off too. Heron can save her popcorn for another day!

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 16:28

@Cocolapew

Going to support your DP or DH or best friend whether or not you've met the deceased is totally different to this. The BIL wasn't best friends with the deceased and was going to support his brother.

It does say of the deceased and the BIL "they knew each other quite well". So he may well be upset in his own right.

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 16:32

[quote redblueandgreen]@BananaMilkshakeWithCream

I do think you've missed the point a little. You went to a funeral to support your ex, that's fair enough.

My BIL is going to the funeral to support his brother

Where does his girlfriend fit into the equation?

Does the BIL know he is going to the funeral to support his brother? I know that is how you and your DH see it, but does BIL see it the same way?

Could BIL be more upset than you realise? It can happen, especially if it is the first time someone roughly your own age has died.

In your OP, you say "My DH has asked his friends parents if his brother can come along as they knew each other quite well and he expressed that he would like to show his presence there.". You only then add "I also think it would be of great comfort for my DH to have his brother there."

I really am not trying to poke holes here because I can see the situation is difficult. But I think it may be worth you thinking whether the BIL actually does want to go in his own right and does feel he needs support.

Original poster

redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 16:37

@DoubleDeckerSwimmer

He was upset when he heard the news but it was more so that he was upset his brother was going through this. He's been very supportive of his brother since the news broke.

I think there's a lot of ways we could look at this... but then we need to get into a lot of backstory and that's just too much typing

OP posts:

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 16:39

[quote redblueandgreen]@DoubleDeckerSwimmer

He was upset when he heard the news but it was more so that he was upset his brother was going through this. He's been very supportive of his brother since the news broke.

I think there's a lot of ways we could look at this... but then we need to get into a lot of backstory and that's just too much typing [/quote]
Fair enough. You don't need to write a novel for our benefit. If the two of them are so close, maybe your DH just needs a bit of a heart-to-heart about how awkward he feels about contacting the deceased's parents.

memberofthewedding · 12/08/2021 16:46

When I was 18 I went to the funeral of the man who was jilted by my mother! I did meet him a few times at my grandmothers house and she said he always asked about me. My grandmother remained very close to him even after my mother ran off with another man. I went to support her.

Seeingadistance · 12/08/2021 18:29

There do seem to be very distinctly different cultural attitudes towards attendance at funerals. I’m Scottish and have attended the funerals of people I’ve never met or have only a distant connection to. I don’t really recognise the concept of providing “support” to someone more closely connected to the deceased as a reason for attending a funeral. It’s hard to put into words - it is my cultural norm, so is felt more than rationalised. It’s a mixture of paying respects, being visibly present at a time that matters to the family, of a “good turnout” being important and culturally valued, a funeral as a time for community solidarity, etc. And for me as a Christian, a chance to worship and give thanks for a life. And also a social occasion - big funerals, especially of someone who was elderly - can be quite convivial occasions. All of these things, and more, have been missed during the months of restrictions.

HeartShapedBalloon · 12/08/2021 18:46

My sister does this! Goes to funerals of people she barely knows. She turned up at my FIL wake a few years back. She barely knew him and my FIL didn't like her anyway. She brought her kids and told them to eat as much as they could...to save her feeding them later. Then she took a plate full of leftovers for their lunch boxes the following day.

She's done it on other occasions too and boasts about how her and the kids got a free feed.

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 18:48

@HeartShapedBalloon

She's done it on other occasions too and boasts about how her and the kids got a free feed.

My sister does this

Do you think the BIL's girlfriend is going for the food? Otherwise, I am not sure you are talking about the same thing.

topwings · 12/08/2021 19:34

This might be normal in Ireland but the major difference is that in Ireland, nobody needs to be invited/get permission from the chief mourners to attend a funeral - you just show up (pre-COVID).

As numbers are restricted right now, I don't think the girlfriend should be taking the place of someone that knew the deceased or his family.

bridgetreilly · 12/08/2021 23:59

the major difference is that in Ireland, nobody needs to be invited/get permission from the chief mourners to attend a funeral - you just show up (pre-COVID)

Nope, that’s exactly the same in England. Funerals are public events, the time and place is announced, and anyone can turn up.

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2021 00:08

he has just said to me that he doesn't want to be ringing his friends parents and asking if his BIL's girlfriend can come. He said it doesn't feel right to ask them for a spot for someone they don't know.

Your DH is quite right. It is wrong, and he shouldn’t do it.

He equally feels bad turning round to his brother and saying she can't come.

He doesn’t need to feel equally bad. His brother’s girlfriend’s feelings are not on an equal par with bereaved parents feelings.

He just needs to say ‘DBro, I’m sorry but I don’t want to ask them. Numbers are restricted still and I’ve already asked them to include you. There will be other people DF knew that want to be there and [yourGF] hadn’t met him. I know she’ll understand.’

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