Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to a funeral when you don't know the person

124 replies

redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 11:34

NC for this...

My DH's best friend died a few weeks ago and the funeral is very soon. The numbers are pretty limited as there is still social distancing going on - but they are still allowed a good amount of people.

My DH has asked his friends parents if his brother can come along as they knew each other quite well and he expressed that he would like to show his presence there. I also think it would be of great comfort for my DH to have his brother there.

My DH had a message from his brother asking if his girlfriend could come along too. She's never met my DH's friend, never spoken to him either. She never messaged my DH when his friend died either.

Is it normal for people to want to go to a funeral of someone they don't know? I just find it odd that you'd want to sit there with people who are grieving and also celebrating the life of someone that you had no part of. Also I'm pretty annoyed with my BIL and I feel he should be coming to support his brother, not bringing his girlfriend of just over a year.

So AIBU to think that it's totally wrong for her to come?

OP posts:
FamBae · 12/08/2021 13:31

I went to the funeral of my then partners (now dh) uncle and I had never met him or his wife or children but we went as a family unit and I was warmly welcomed, It did feel a little weird but I think it would of been stranger had I not gone.

Jerima · 12/08/2021 13:32

Being as numbers are restricted they are BVU wanting somebody who doesn't even know the deceased to tag along. You DH and his bro are enough to support eachother.

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 12/08/2021 13:34

Get your DH to tell his brother that he's asked and it's not possible due to limited numbers and it's only people that knew the deceased that will be attending

Monestera · 12/08/2021 13:35

I just feel really sorry for my DH as he has just said to me that he doesn't want to be ringing his friends parents and asking if his BIL's girlfriend can come.

I think he should just reply that he really doesn't feel comfortable intruding on their grief to ask this when he's already taking up a place with a "supporter".

Original poster
redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 13:36

@DoubleDeckerSwimmer

Yes I thought the rules were relaxed but the venue are still practicing social distancing therefore only a certain amount of seats are in use restricting the numbers.

OP posts:
animalprintfree · 12/08/2021 13:37

I dont find it weird at all. In many cultures, not just Irish, it would be the norm and expected.

OP I find it more odd that you didnt accompany your husband to the funerals of his other deceased friends. So clearly thoughts on these matters vary considerably, perhaps cut this girlfriend some slack.

Original poster
redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 13:38

@Monestera

That's a really good response thank you.

OP posts:
paddlingon · 12/08/2021 13:40

This would be fairly normal for me but I do think funeral behavior is very culturally linked.

In this case explaining to BIL numbers are Covid limited should be a simple and non offensive thing to do.

WorriedWishingWell · 12/08/2021 13:53

If I lost my partner or child I would hate colleagues who had never met them to turn up at the funeral. It would be a hugely personal event for me and I would hate those colleagues to be viewing me in anything other than my professional capacity. Especially the case if it were my line manager etc.

SwedishEdith · 12/08/2021 14:04

I don't find this odd at all and certainly not "disgusting". Didn't realise so many people were so uptight about this kind of thing.

Same as PPs, there were all sorts of people at my parent's funerals who I had no idea who they were - didn't care. They'd taken the trouble to attend and were all welcome. And, the wake/catch up after the actual funeral often is a very social event with lots of laughter as can often be a sense of relief. Obviously, not always, but funerals aren't always po-faced solemn events after the mass/service.

LBirch02 · 12/08/2021 14:12

To be honest yes it’s odd as a lot of people shun funerals where they do actually know the person

LBirch02 · 12/08/2021 14:12

But then again - it depends on context I suppose

Polkadotties · 12/08/2021 14:16

Some of these replies are strange. I would support my other half if he wanted me at a funeral of someone I didn’t personally know.

Feedingthebirds1 · 12/08/2021 14:22

I just feel really sorry for my DH as he has just said to me that he doesn't want to be ringing his friends parents and asking if his BIL's girlfriend can come. He said it doesn't feel right to ask them for a spot for someone they don't know. He equally feels bad turning round to his brother and saying she can't come. I just feel bad for DH he doesn't need this right now.

Shouldn't it then be the brother who is making the request? If he doesn't know the parents well enough to do that, it suggests that an unknown gf is inappropriate

znaika · 12/08/2021 14:26

This is a tricky one. I think it's normal to go and support your friends who are mourning a very close loved one. Normal to mourn someone in your community who you didn't exactly know if the community is quite small e.g. a church congregation. It's really not so normal to go as support for someone who's supporting a mourner, I mean how many degrees of separation then?

I may be biased as when DH died (12 years ago so the wounds are not recent) there were a couple of women who behaved sooo badly as grief tourists or whatever the term is, my blood still boils to this day

Monestera · 12/08/2021 14:38

I dont find it weird at all. In many cultures, not just Irish, it would be the norm and expected.

You think it's normal to attend the funeral of your boyfriend's brother's best mate?

lurker101 · 12/08/2021 14:41

@Monestera

I dont find it weird at all. In many cultures, not just Irish, it would be the norm and expected.

You think it's normal to attend the funeral of your boyfriend's brother's best mate?

Where I’m from that would be normal, especially if they were long term best friends where the boyfriend would be a friend/family friend too. Everyone’s different though
Monestera · 12/08/2021 14:42

Fair enough.

PattyPan · 12/08/2021 14:42

I went to DP’s grandma’s funeral and I’d only met her once for about half an hour - I went to support him in his grief.

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 14:51

@Monestera

I dont find it weird at all. In many cultures, not just Irish, it would be the norm and expected.

You think it's normal to attend the funeral of your boyfriend's brother's best mate?

When one of my parents died recently, my best friend's parents took food to my other parent. So too did my best friend's brother's girlfriend. I have not seen the brother for thirty years and have never met the girlfriend. She did it to help her boyfriend and as a support from their wider family to my wider family. This is how some communities work. She would have been very welcome at the funeral had she chosen to attend.
iloverunningslow · 12/08/2021 14:55

When my relative died very young in traumatic circumstances there were over 1000 people at his funeral. Some his mum knew, some she didn't. It was a comfort to her that so many people came to pay their respects to my relative.

The whole reason you have a buffet at a funeral not a sit down dinner is because you don't really know how many are coming.
I can't understand the problem with 'randoms' attending as long as their behaviour is respectful and appropriate.

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 14:55

I do think there is an issue to be solved if there are limited numbers at the venue and a request has to be made of the grieving family.

For my parent's funeral, we were restricted due to covid numbers, and so I issued all the invitations, etc, and it was clear to everyone I was the point of contact. It was good to take that away from my grieving parent. So I do have sympathy with the OP's DH, too.

I just don't think judging the BIL and his girlfriend is fair.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 12/08/2021 14:55

very strange

I'm sure there could be some special circumstances under which this is reasonable, perhaps the friend feels he'd be comforted by his gf being there?
I don't know the state of his mental health.

but it's very unusual

Spidey66 · 12/08/2021 15:02

Definitely culturally normal in Ireland, particularly in rural parts or small towns and villages.

Martianworld · 12/08/2021 15:14

but it's very unusual

When so many people on here have said they have done this, it's clear it's not unusual, although it might be something YOU wouldn't do.

I am English, my family have lived in this county in the north west for generations, no cultural ties to Ireland, Scotland etc. I have been to funerals of people I don't know. I'm not a piggy backer of grief, I'm not a day tripper, I'm not bored and looking for a sing along, I'm not interested in the sandwiches and I don't drink tea. I've been for a variety of reasons, I don't act inappropriately, and I've always felt welcomed. Ditto to people attending funerals of my relatives. If they are invested enough to get dressed up, schlep to the church, and sit through what must be one of the most depressing half hours ever, they are welcome to tea and flipping cake.

I'm not odd, unusual or insecure. And I take exception that people are saying it's bizarre and wrong for an English person to do it but perfectly acceptable for an Irish or Scottish person.