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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to a funeral when you don't know the person

124 replies

redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 11:34

NC for this...

My DH's best friend died a few weeks ago and the funeral is very soon. The numbers are pretty limited as there is still social distancing going on - but they are still allowed a good amount of people.

My DH has asked his friends parents if his brother can come along as they knew each other quite well and he expressed that he would like to show his presence there. I also think it would be of great comfort for my DH to have his brother there.

My DH had a message from his brother asking if his girlfriend could come along too. She's never met my DH's friend, never spoken to him either. She never messaged my DH when his friend died either.

Is it normal for people to want to go to a funeral of someone they don't know? I just find it odd that you'd want to sit there with people who are grieving and also celebrating the life of someone that you had no part of. Also I'm pretty annoyed with my BIL and I feel he should be coming to support his brother, not bringing his girlfriend of just over a year.

So AIBU to think that it's totally wrong for her to come?

OP posts:
zigzag56445 · 12/08/2021 13:01

Another Irish person here. I've been to many a funeral where I didn't know the deceased. It's to support the friend/neighbour/colleague who has been bereaved. Very normal.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 12/08/2021 13:02

I’d probably been with my ex around a year when his uncle died, I traveled with him and attended the funeral, and no one batted an eyelid. Not Irish but Scottish, and I did find that in his community funerals were more “open” than in the one I grew up in southern England where they were more formal, and close friends and family only.

Seeingadistance · 12/08/2021 13:04

I’m Scottish, and in normal circumstances this wouldn’t be odd, but when numbers are restricted due to Covid it’s not appropriate. But if she hasn’t been to a funeral in Covid times she might simply be unaware of the restrictions.

Original poster
redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 13:04

@RealBecca

I agree the funeral is certainly not the time or place. That's probably why I've come here rather than talk to my DH or BIL as I really don't think it's right to be voicing my opinion.

I just feel really sorry for my DH as he has just said to me that he doesn't want to be ringing his friends parents and asking if his BIL's girlfriend can come. He said it doesn't feel right to ask them for a spot for someone they don't know. He equally feels bad turning round to his brother and saying she can't come. I just feel bad for DH he doesn't need this right now.

OP posts:
ClemDanFango · 12/08/2021 13:05

Piggy backing off someone grief for a day out is shitty.

3luckystars · 12/08/2021 13:05

I’m Irish and we do go to lots of funerals, even if the funeral was for someone we never met (but we know a family member and would like to support them). It’s normal to do that here.

But this is totally different as she has no connection at all with the family.

She should let the brothers off together, she sounds like a limpet.

MindyStClaire · 12/08/2021 13:05

Under normal circumstances I think it's fine that she's going (Irish Grin ) but I do think she should step back given the numbers limits.

JSL52 · 12/08/2021 13:07

Could DH say he's asked and the numbers don't allow his brother to have a plus one ?
I think she's cheeky to ask.

CremeEggThief · 12/08/2021 13:08

Clem in your opinion. As an Irish person, I find your comment very disrespectful. People want to pay their respects and sympathise and that is why they go along.

MindyStClaire · 12/08/2021 13:10

I think your DH should just say that to his brother - he doesn't want to put the family under pressure, he could say he's heard numbers are tight. I guess you're going, but if not adding "red isn't even going and she knew him donkeys" will make it less personal.

3luckystars · 12/08/2021 13:12

That’s a good answer.

Martianworld · 12/08/2021 13:13

@ClemDanFango

Piggy backing off someone grief for a day out is shitty.
They've been going out together for a year. Going to a funeral is not a day out. You have absolutely no idea what either her or his reason for wanting her to go is. I think your comment is horrid.
Grenlei · 12/08/2021 13:13

I don't find it odd at all, but most funerals in my family are big events involving a few hundred people. I attended my XPs granddad's funeral after we'd been together about 6 months. His grandad was in a hospice for several years so I'd never met him, but no one ever suggested I shouldn't be there. I've also attended family funerals with my partner, of elderly relatives he'd never met. Again no one was bothered by this.

I can also say that having arranged the funerals of both my parents in my 20s I couldn't give a shiny shit who was or wasn't there. I was too busy grieving.

HeronLanyon · 12/08/2021 13:15

‘A day out’ ‘cheeky to ask’. These comments really surprise me. Why would anyone ‘want’ to attend a funeral unless there was some good reason. It’s not exactly a cheery event. And if anyone really would attend ‘for a free sandwich’ then I’m living on a different planet. If anyone attended for free food to the memorial service I arranged well frankly I had other things to think about and pretty sure no one was there for that alone.

Rosebel · 12/08/2021 13:15

That's weird. A friend (not particularly close) of my DH died when we'd not seen together long.
This was years ago before Covid etc and my DH asked if I wanted to go to the funeral. I said did he need my support and he said no.
I asked him why he thought I'd want to go to the funeral of someone I had never met.
Why does she want to go? Is she incredibly jealous and insecure? Can't see any other reason she'd want to go?

Grenlei · 12/08/2021 13:17

Also in the company I work for, line managers and our divisional head of HR, plus other colleagues have attended the funerals of the parents/ partners of members of staff, despite not having met them.

lurker101 · 12/08/2021 13:18

It could be cultural - I’m from NI and it’s normal (and often expected) that you go to the funeral of your colleagues’ parents etc.

Original poster
redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 13:21

@Rosebel

That's exactly how I've felt. My DH has lost another 2 friends over the years (he has bad luck I know!) and I've not gone to either funeral as I I'd only met them both once or twice and my DH didn't need me as he had his mates and his brother there for support.

I think without this getting too personal jealousy and insecurity maybe hitting the nail on the head.

OP posts:
Martianworld · 12/08/2021 13:22

I can also say that having arranged the funerals of both my parents in my 20s I couldn't give a shiny shit who was or wasn't there. I was too busy grieving.

This exactly. I didn't care if the whole world had shown up or no one had come to be honest. I appreciated the effort people made but I just wanted to sit by his grave and cry. As long as people behaved appropriately, and of course everybody did, they were welcome to a sandwich.

I appreciate things are different with covid numbers, so I definitely don't think that the girlfriend should have priority over family or close friends, but in normal circumstances, I see nothing odd about a girlfriend attending with a boyfriend. And I wouldn't be moaning over giving her a flaming sandwich and a cup of tea.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 12/08/2021 13:24

We went to a traveller wedding last week. He was 20 and had a lot of friends. My son went with me and my nephew came to show respect.

PussGirl · 12/08/2021 13:24

a funeral is a public ceremony I believe, as is a wedding (might just apply to churches) so technically anyone can turn up - still in poor taste though, esp if then attending the do afterwards

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 13:25

@lurker101

It could be cultural - I’m from NI and it’s normal (and often expected) that you go to the funeral of your colleagues’ parents etc.
Absolutely. I have Irish / Scottish / NZ family and in all those circles this would be seen as appropriate.

I do remember in NZ when I first had an English boss (who had just moved there) and asked for an afternoon off to attend the funeral of a man in my local community (lived in the same street, his kids went to same schools as us, etc). He really thought I was taking the mickey - both to go and to take the full afternoon - until HR explained the different cultural norms to him. He was fine afterwards but we really were not understanding each other till that point.

My colleague's parent died this year and she was quite surprised when I offered to watch on livestream but said yes and was actually then quite pleased as it meant there was someone at work she could talk about it with afterwards. I had never met her parent but could provide that support.

Spikeyball · 12/08/2021 13:25

Dh's family is Catholic and at their funerals it is normal for friends and colleagues of the bereaved to go to the funeral to show support for them and a good turnout is seen as a sign of respect. Large numbers are also expected at the wake although those who are not close may only stay for a quick drink.

Robin233 · 12/08/2021 13:28

I don't go to funerals with Dh fir people I don't know, unless he needs, but that's usually people I would know.
I think I'd feel very uncomfortable even asking about the gf.
I'd say ' sorry db I think maybe not as I just can't ask the grieving parents that and put them on the spot - with covid numbers are already tight. Sorry and all'

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 13:31

According to this, there should not be number limits due to covid?
Unless it is something specific to the venue?

www.gov.uk/government/publications/covid-19-guidance-for-managing-a-funeral-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic/covid-19-guidance-for-managing-a-funeral-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic

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