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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to a funeral when you don't know the person

124 replies

redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 11:34

NC for this...

My DH's best friend died a few weeks ago and the funeral is very soon. The numbers are pretty limited as there is still social distancing going on - but they are still allowed a good amount of people.

My DH has asked his friends parents if his brother can come along as they knew each other quite well and he expressed that he would like to show his presence there. I also think it would be of great comfort for my DH to have his brother there.

My DH had a message from his brother asking if his girlfriend could come along too. She's never met my DH's friend, never spoken to him either. She never messaged my DH when his friend died either.

Is it normal for people to want to go to a funeral of someone they don't know? I just find it odd that you'd want to sit there with people who are grieving and also celebrating the life of someone that you had no part of. Also I'm pretty annoyed with my BIL and I feel he should be coming to support his brother, not bringing his girlfriend of just over a year.

So AIBU to think that it's totally wrong for her to come?

OP posts:
UpHillandDownAle · 12/08/2021 12:17

If it takes a place from someone else then she shouldn’t go but if it doesn’t, then I can’t see the problem in her going. You haven’t said but I did wonder if you and/or your DH preferred to have his brother around before he got this girlfriend.

CremeEggThief · 12/08/2021 12:23

It's the done thing in Ireland to go to a funeral if you have any sort of connection to anyone who has died. Lots of my sister's workmates came to my granny's funeral and the office shut for the afternoon. Another friend of hers took her 6 year old twins out of school for the day and brought them along. It certainly wouldn't have been thought of as rude or disrespectful.

Original poster
redblueandgreen · 12/08/2021 12:27

@UpHillandDownAle

I did wonder when someone would bring up my feelings on her and I really did try to not put any personal views in as I just wanted to stick to the main points of the issue.

Also BIL knew DH'a friend for approx 13 years, they went on several nights out together, knew each other from our wedding and DH's stag do. But I wouldn't say he was needing emotional support from someone at the funeral. Like I said previously I feel like he is going more so to support my DH.

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 12/08/2021 12:34

I don't think bringing your partner to a funeral is especially odd, but in this situation it sounds like DBil is going mainly to support your DH and if the GF is there it sounds like she might be a distraction rather than a support? My DH came to the funeral of a friend of mine he didn't know, but that was because I was heavily pregnant, it was a long journey and I could have gone into labour.

unicornpower · 12/08/2021 12:36

I think its a bit strange too, I remember a random friend of my Aunts who turned up to my Granny's wake and was first in line for the buffet. She didn't come to the actual funeral, just the wake which i remember being incensed by! I was only 18 and it still winds me up now.

I wonder if your BIL has told her he really wants her there and she may just be going along with it to be supportive?

UpHillandDownAle · 12/08/2021 12:38

So how does his girlfriend going reduce his brother’s impact to support your DH? Personally, I would be careful of the message it gives your DH brother. If he wants his girlfriend there then that’s what counts I would have thought. My sister has a few boyfriends of over a year and every time I treated them as a unit and welcomed them whenever my sister wanted them to come because my sister matters to me. You risk losing your sibling if you do anything else.

newnortherner111 · 12/08/2021 12:40

In the days when I was a site manager I did go to funerals of people I had never met. The husband of one of my team comes to mind. However, the circumstances you describe does seem a bit strange.

UpHillandDownAle · 12/08/2021 12:43

redblueandgreen

“@UpHillandDownAle

I did wonder when someone would bring up my feelings on her and I really did try to not put any personal views in as I just wanted to stick to the main points of the issue.“

Personally I think this is the main point of the issue. It is plausible to make it about whether someone should go the funeral of someone they have never met but it is likely to come across to your DH’s brother and his girlfriend that your DH enjoys his brother’s company more when his girlfriend isn’t there. It comes across to me that that is what this is about.

ExpressDelivery · 12/08/2021 12:43

My son's GF came to DH's funeral even though DH and I had met her only once for literally a few minutes, before his death. They'd been together for about 3 months. I thought it was important he had a hand to hold Sad

Cocolapew · 12/08/2021 12:44

I've gone to funerals of people I don't know but have known a family member, I'm in NI and that's normal to do.
This sounds a bit odd if she doesn't know any family members, especially if there are limited numbers.

Ikeasucks · 12/08/2021 12:45

I’ve been to funerals of people I haven’t met or just met in passing. Aside from Covid restrictions they’re usually open to the public if in a church. Often you go to show respect and support - often if you know a family member. In this case i think it would be better for just the brothers to go

FluffMagnet · 12/08/2021 12:47

This was pre-Covid, but DH and I attended the funeral of FIL's cousin (who neither of us had ever met) as FIL lives on the other side of the world and couldn't attend. I went to the service and to the wake, as it felt rude to sit out in the car. It never occurred to me that the family would feel it was rude to attend - we had a lovely chat with the cousin's widow and subsequently invited her to our wedding the following year. Obviously there was a family link we were representing, but it seems the polite thing to support the family and acknowledge their loss. Having said that, with covid restrictions, I think the grieving family get to say who can attend and people should respect that and not push for distant connections to attend.

StarlingsDarlings · 12/08/2021 12:48

Yanbu. It’s odd and can feel voyeuristic to the mourners. My narc aunt brought her work colleagues to my DGMs funeral despite having her large family present too. Unless there is a lone mourner who needs support, it’s not appropriate to attend a strangers funeral.

EBearhug · 12/08/2021 12:49

Carer, driver, representing employer - all fine. At my parents' funeral, there were plenty of people I didn't personally know from their lives before I existed, after I left home, organisations they worked with that I hadn't met people from. If someone had been there who had no real connection, I wouldn't have known unless they came to tell me (which no one did.) I wouldn't worry about it, unless they are taking the place of someone close would otherwise be there. It is a bit odd, but people often are at times of grieving.

slashlover · 12/08/2021 12:49

I've gone to funerals of people I didn't know well, mostly family members of close friends. I sat near the back and was there to show support for my friend.

MadamBatty · 12/08/2021 12:51

Irish people go to funerals of people they don’t know but they don’t go to a funeral when they have no connection at all to the person!

So I’ll go to the funeral of a workmates mother, my sister in laws brother.

I wouldn’t go if I had absolutely no connection to the deceased?

StrawberryPuff · 12/08/2021 12:51

I’m from the North-East of Scotland and this wouldn’t be considered odd there either.

Mommabear20 · 12/08/2021 12:52

I went to my DH grandads funeral whom I hadn't met, but he asked me to go. But if they are going together and it was your DH friend not his brothers, I don't see why his GF needs to go 🤷‍♀️🤔

Bells3032 · 12/08/2021 12:52

The brother going i think is normal e.g. things like friends of grandchildren going is normal to me (maybe that's just my community) but the girlfriend going is a bit weird unless she's close to your DH and wants to support him too?

ExpressDelivery · 12/08/2021 12:53

My boss goes to all the work funerals if someone's spouse or parent dies. TBH initially I found it odd and thought I wouldn't want her there if I found myself in that situation. She did come to DH's funeral though and it was nice to feel her support. She didn't come back to the house afterwards.

Incywinceyspider · 12/08/2021 12:54

I think it depends on the circumstances.

My DP's great aunt died when we'd been dating about a year. I probably only met her twice and I wouldn't say DP needed support, but I went to the funeral as I'm pretty sure DP's family would have been offended if I hadn't. They're that kind of family. I went out of respect to my future in laws, but maybe I was just "there for the beer and sandwiches" in the eyes of other people.

Similar to an OP, my dad died when I'd only been dating DP 9 months. We weren't even living together and he met my dad maybe 5 times max. He still came to the funeral. I needed him there!

HeronLanyon · 12/08/2021 12:55

Still very flummoxed as to how the presence of a one year partner of a mourner is inappropriate or could come within ‘voyeuristic’ etc.
I have not gone to various funerals which my dp has gone to and vice versa but we have both attended funerals with each other (who knew family or the deceased) to be support and/or as mark of respect. Never ever thought it was made to feel it was inappropriate. Quite the opposite.

switswoo81 · 12/08/2021 12:57

I'm Irish and (pre covid) tried to avoid full funerals if I didn't know the person but would go to a removal even if I vaguely knew the person or a family member. It's great to pass on your condolences face to face.

RealBecca · 12/08/2021 12:58

Its odd but equally i think you should refrain from giving your opinion. Like you say, the funeral really isnt something you want to get involved in out of respect so no point getting worked up over it.

Ozberry · 12/08/2021 13:00

I’ve been to a couple of funerals when I didn’t know the deceased- always because I’ve been asked to. One was my friend’s dad. She had some tricky family dynamics and wanted her closest 3 friends there to support her.
Another was a family member of my children’s dad. They are a big family and it’s the norm to turn out en masse for such things. It would have been rude not to attend.

I think each situation gets judged on its own merit

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