Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents Helping Out with DD

142 replies

ScottsTots · 12/08/2021 10:12

This post stems from a conversation I had with a friend recently in which she thought I was completely out of order and actually said something along the lines of 'if you put this on mumsnet, you'd be flamed'. I don't think she knows I use it so I've NC and 'hi' friend if you read this!!

Background: We have 1 DD who is 20 months. Both sets of grandparents live nearby and are involved with DD and help 1.5 days a week with childcare between them. This was at their request and we were happy, and could afford nursery on those days but they enjoy time with her. Both sets of GPs are healthy and in their late 60s

Last month we all got hit with Norovirus. Think it was going around! Our DD got hit in the week and was very sick overnight but seemed fine the next day. However, we obviously kept her off nursery for 2 days after and myself and DH took a day off each to watch her.

Then Friday night DH got it and from about 3am was with his head down the loo. Saturday day my PIL had planned to go with us all to a National Trust Property for the morning but I ended up staying to be with DH and they scooped up DD and went without us

About an hour later I went down with it (luckily we have 2 loos!). Both of us had it horrifically and both ends (sorry TMI!).

PIL then said there's no way you're able to look after DD, why don't we just keep her for the day, have her overnight and see how you are tomorrow. Great! So they popped back in to pack up her bits and MIL also kindly walked the dog quickly and they left.

Long story short, we were both floored with this from a Saturday until Tuesday morning. PIL contacted my DPs (they often speak) who then also offered to pop to the pharmacy for rehydration sachets and various bits. Also fab but I didn't let them into the house of D&V and they dropped it at the door.

Between my PIL and DPs they had DD over the weekend, dropped her at nursery, did pick ups, came and walked the dog, and dropped off supplies. Finally we were well enough to get DD Tuesday post nursery and things went back to normal.

Now, my friend has said I was absolutely out of order to let my DPs and PIL do so much, that most people don't have that sort of support and 'just get on with it' and I was a bit entitled to use them so much. And it wasn't fair on DD to not see us for that length of time.

My counter argument is we didn't at all expect or ask this of them. They are involved with DD enough that she is totally comfortable with them; happy and content (she also sleeps through the night so we knew we wouldn't be setting them up for difficult nights). Both myself and DH kept asking if they were ok with it, reimbursed them for shopping and sent both sets of parents garden centre vouchers to thank them so much.

We know not everyone has this help and support but we do and have a great relationship with both sets of parents so should we not have let them help as 'other people just get on with it?'

I've tried to lay out the above as the conversation with friend went and give the background she has.

So vipers, WIBU to use the GPs offer of help?

OP posts:
SmidgenofaPigeon · 12/08/2021 10:14

I don’t really understand why you care so much about what other people think of your family set-up.

SBAM · 12/08/2021 10:15

Very lucky, but not unreasonable! Just because most people don’t have access to this level of support no reason you shouldn’t accept if it’s freely offered.

SheABitSpicyToday · 12/08/2021 10:16

Your friends being an asshole.

My parents are early 50’s and will often take my daughter for a week each (divorced) in the holidays because the actually enjoy spending time with her and are young and fit enough to do stuff with her! It’s completely up to the grandparents.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 12/08/2021 10:16

You’re right that you’re lucky. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t utilise help. Not sure such a detailed account of your d&v experience is necessary though 😂

Crikeycroc · 12/08/2021 10:16

No, of course not. Plenty of grandparents are energetic and enthusiastic enough to do this. My MIL would be rubbing her hands in glee and excitement if I came down with D&V and she could have my DD for a long weekend.

I think there is understandably a rumbling of discontent and envy amongst the parents on here who have no help or support.

Kayo12345 · 12/08/2021 10:17

Grandparents have helped with their grandchildren for thousands of years

Mummypigisalwaysright · 12/08/2021 10:17

If you have parents that can help then that's great. Don't feel guilty. Sounds like you thanked them appropriately.

My parents help a lot with my boys, I'm exceedingly grateful! Some people don't have that kind of help though and do just have to struggle through. Sounds like your friend was a bit jealous and handled that conversation badly.

Treaclepie19 · 12/08/2021 10:18

I think she's just jealous of the support.
We don't have that and we would have to just get on with it somehow but I don't think you're unreasonable for accepting it.
It's not like you turned up and forced them to have her.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 12/08/2021 10:18

Reason things like this does make me dread to think how DH and I will manage in a similar situation, we have nobody. But I wouldn’t slay off a friend for having a different set-up, unless she was boasting or being condescending about it.

Original poster
ScottsTots · 12/08/2021 10:18

@SmidgenofaPigeon

You’re right that you’re lucky. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t utilise help. Not sure such a detailed account of your d&v experience is necessary though 😂
Haha, sorry. I just wanted to emphasise we were both crippled with it and it's wasn't like we felt a bit sick a few days!
OP posts:
StrangeToSee · 12/08/2021 10:19

I don’t think it’s fair to expose anyone to norovirus especially not older people.

RedMarauder · 12/08/2021 10:19

Why do you care what your friend says?

She is obviously a horrible person who no-one helps when she is in a sticky patch.

I've helped out relations, friends, house mates and neighbours when they have been ill. It is no-ones business except mine and that individuals.

Rheia1983 · 12/08/2021 10:20

It sounds as if your friend was speaking from a place of envy. YANBU for accepting the help that was offered.

Ghosttile · 12/08/2021 10:20

It’s pure jealousy from her. It’s also totally understandable when so many people have disinterested grandparents or grandparents who work, suffer from ill health or live too far away to help.

Three days a week of free childcare is something to envy. Parents and ILs who do that and step in like this when you need help without having to be asked are amazing. I would be kissing the ground they walk on or at least sending flowers and chocolates Grin

FortniteBoysMum · 12/08/2021 10:21

If your not in a fit state due to being sick then of course you use support if you have it. How can you look after a toddler when your heads in loo. She would have been plonked in front of a screen all day but instead she had GPS to play with and take her out. Also preventing her from picking it back up.

Trisolaris · 12/08/2021 10:22

If you can afford a 5 star hotel should you also not book it because most people can’t?

You have a privilege here, you recognise that and are grateful for it. Why put yourself through unnecessary pain when both sets of grandparents are happy with the arrangement?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2021 10:22

Tell your "friend" she can kindly mind her own fucking business.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 12/08/2021 10:23

She's jealous. The end.

Original poster
ScottsTots · 12/08/2021 10:23

@StrangeToSee

I don’t think it’s fair to expose anyone to norovirus especially not older people.
Shopping was left at the doorstep as stated in the OP, DD was 48 hours clear of being unwell and the dog was picked up via the back door for walks.

We were VERY careful not to let them in the house and they've not been ill since (this was several weeks ago)

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 12/08/2021 10:23

What benefit would there have been for any of you, not least your daughter, to keep her at home while you were both so ill? Your friend sounds a bit annoyed or bitter that you have a support network around you. Your families sound wonderful and yes, you are lucky to have them, but you thanked them nicely and obviously appreciate what they do rather than just expect it without gratitude. Families help each other out, don't they? I'm sure you'd do the same for them if they became ill.

Ponoka7 · 12/08/2021 10:23

I've got my GD as we speak, I've done three overnights this week. My eldest is taking them on holiday tonight. This means that my DD can accrue hours in work. Come next year I'll probably do a week away with them. This was mine and my children's norm growing up and we had wonderful relationships with our GPs. Likewise when my Mum became a wheelchair user my girls were happy to take her out and give her time. That's how families are supposed to work. Not parents, or elderly people living in isolation 'getting on with it'.

ElspethFlashman · 12/08/2021 10:23

My main issue is that if they had gotten norovirus too.

There was active norovirus in the house, your DH was in bits, I don't think they should have been allowed to pick her up. You were well at that point.

RainyDay2020 · 12/08/2021 10:23

I’m just jealous and want your parents/in-laws to be mine!!
I think if they all offered and are physically fit and able to look after your DD then it is no business if your “friends” at all. She’s probably jealous too,

takealettermsjones · 12/08/2021 10:24

Your friend sounds a bit bonkers. Does she have a child and no support? Is she jealous?

As I was reading the post I was just thinking how wonderful it is that you have such support, that all your parents get on with each other, and that they're all proactive in doing what you need, (seemingly) without overstepping the mark in any way. It seems like a fairy tale on MN but you're breaking the mould!

The only possible way you would be out of order or entitled would be if you had insisted on this despite their reluctance/protests, or if you had accused them of not doing enough, or if you had complained to your friend that you have no/little support when she knows that all this had happened. But you didn't do that (I'm pretty sure?).

YANBU!

Zealois · 12/08/2021 10:25

It makes absolutely no sense to deny yourself help just because other people don't get it. Your friend sounds jealous.

For what it's worth, my mother would and has done similar things for her grandchildren.