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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents Helping Out with DD

142 replies

ScottsTots · 12/08/2021 10:12

This post stems from a conversation I had with a friend recently in which she thought I was completely out of order and actually said something along the lines of 'if you put this on mumsnet, you'd be flamed'. I don't think she knows I use it so I've NC and 'hi' friend if you read this!!

Background: We have 1 DD who is 20 months. Both sets of grandparents live nearby and are involved with DD and help 1.5 days a week with childcare between them. This was at their request and we were happy, and could afford nursery on those days but they enjoy time with her. Both sets of GPs are healthy and in their late 60s

Last month we all got hit with Norovirus. Think it was going around! Our DD got hit in the week and was very sick overnight but seemed fine the next day. However, we obviously kept her off nursery for 2 days after and myself and DH took a day off each to watch her.

Then Friday night DH got it and from about 3am was with his head down the loo. Saturday day my PIL had planned to go with us all to a National Trust Property for the morning but I ended up staying to be with DH and they scooped up DD and went without us

About an hour later I went down with it (luckily we have 2 loos!). Both of us had it horrifically and both ends (sorry TMI!).

PIL then said there's no way you're able to look after DD, why don't we just keep her for the day, have her overnight and see how you are tomorrow. Great! So they popped back in to pack up her bits and MIL also kindly walked the dog quickly and they left.

Long story short, we were both floored with this from a Saturday until Tuesday morning. PIL contacted my DPs (they often speak) who then also offered to pop to the pharmacy for rehydration sachets and various bits. Also fab but I didn't let them into the house of D&V and they dropped it at the door.

Between my PIL and DPs they had DD over the weekend, dropped her at nursery, did pick ups, came and walked the dog, and dropped off supplies. Finally we were well enough to get DD Tuesday post nursery and things went back to normal.

Now, my friend has said I was absolutely out of order to let my DPs and PIL do so much, that most people don't have that sort of support and 'just get on with it' and I was a bit entitled to use them so much. And it wasn't fair on DD to not see us for that length of time.

My counter argument is we didn't at all expect or ask this of them. They are involved with DD enough that she is totally comfortable with them; happy and content (she also sleeps through the night so we knew we wouldn't be setting them up for difficult nights). Both myself and DH kept asking if they were ok with it, reimbursed them for shopping and sent both sets of parents garden centre vouchers to thank them so much.

We know not everyone has this help and support but we do and have a great relationship with both sets of parents so should we not have let them help as 'other people just get on with it?'

I've tried to lay out the above as the conversation with friend went and give the background she has.

So vipers, WIBU to use the GPs offer of help?

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2021 12:15

She’s just jealous.

My PIL and DAunt supported us similarly.

I was very unwell at the end of my second pregnancy and for the last month they plus DH coordinated all school drops and collections so I didn’t have to go plus made food and helped with shopping.

It’s what you do if you can when you have loving and supportive familial relationships.

m0therofdragons · 12/08/2021 12:17

I had noro when Dd1 was 9 months and the out of hours gp came in the night to give me morphine and anti sickness with the instructions that if I was sick one more time within a 4 hour period I’d need to be hospitalised due to concerns over dehydration. My dh had work an hour away and my parents drove an hour to come and look after Dd1 for the day (3 days after they’d moved house). Why wouldn’t you accept help just to be a martyr?

Samafe · 12/08/2021 12:18

YANBU, you did nothing wrong in accepting their help.

But I think this was a difficult topic for your friend, and she probably "hated" you for spending 10 Minutes describing in small details all the help you received.
E.g. would you spend 10 Minutes bragging about your job with a friend struggling at work? Or 10 Minutes describing how easy is for you to get pregnant with a friend struggling with infertility?

I will be honest with you, my mother is not helping us at all and this is a topic that brings me sadness. A dear friend of mine has a very supportive mom and while she has all the right to tell me about her life and the help she receives, everytime she goes into details like "since I am pregnant my mom does not let me lift a finger" I feel very sad.

You did nothing wrong in accepting help, I am just trying to look at it from your friend POW.

Original poster

ScottsTots · 12/08/2021 12:19

Thanks all for your posts. I didn't think I was being unreasonable but the forcefulness with which she protested made me doubt myself.

I touched on it in one of my posts below but she does live near her PIL and has support from them (her DH is an only child). So they do 1 day a week childcare and occasionally have both her DCs overnight so she and her DH can have date nights etc. So I'm not sure how she can be jealous??

When I pointed this out she said it was totally different, it was planned in advance and the children weren't 'dumped on' the grandparents, it was always a special occasion and only ever for a night.

Anyway, I've actually been over our messages since we chatted and I do think there may be a lingering issue here. She didn't respond to my message asking to book in our next meet up. When I asked how certain things in her life were going she would respond quite factually and not reciprocate the ask which is unlike her. And my last message has been read but not replied to.

This seems such a non issue to me but should I perhaps bring this up with her and ask if everything is ok? It seems absurd that this might be the reason but having now looked through it, something is definitely off.

OP posts:

Zilla1 · 12/08/2021 12:23

@Samafe

Sorry to hear that but to be fair to the OP, would you dig into your friend's situation in a way that seems designed to have led to unhappiness or just skirted around it when you realised the circumstances?

I might be reading between the lines but the OP said 'She was fascinated by the help and really dug into 'if you were that ill, what about the dog?...Did you spread it about getting shopping in etc'. I didn't do a long spiel of how great my support network is (but obviously said how grateful we both were)'.

Original poster

ScottsTots · 12/08/2021 12:25

@Samafe

YANBU, you did nothing wrong in accepting their help.

You did nothing wrong in accepting help, I am just trying to look at it from your friend POW.

Thanks for the other POV and you're right, it may be difficult for her to hear (despite having help herself) but I really didn't spend 10 minutes talking and bragging about it

If you read my post at 10.56 you'll see she asked how we were as knew we'd been ill, then asked how we'd coped with DD, then went into the Spanish Inquisition asking all sorts of details.

When she initially asked how we were, I made no mention of DD's childcare, just how ill we'd been and we're now practically washing her in anti bac on return from nursery (I joke!)

OP posts:

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 12/08/2021 12:26

Can i be adopted into your family? They sound wonderful and you all seem to have a lovely relationship.

OaxacaChihuahua · 12/08/2021 12:28

She’s being absurd. A good friend / person wouldn’t fall out with another for having something they don’t. She has clearly let her jealousy run riot. It’s her problem, not yours.

Eralos · 12/08/2021 12:31

Very lucky, not unreasonable and sound super grateful. People on here get glammed for being entitled not grateful. You sound like your showing your dd a lovely stable extended family.

Eralos · 12/08/2021 12:32

Flamed*

ClaryFairchild · 12/08/2021 12:36

You know friendship is a 2 way street, don't you? There is no need to value her friendship more than she values yours.

godmum56 · 12/08/2021 12:38

Yanbu. Not her circus not her monkeys and she doesn't sound like a friend to me.

MsSquiz · 12/08/2021 12:43

Yes you are lucky to have such involved and lovely parents & grandparents, but you know this.

You and your DH were both unwell and your DD wouldn't have had much fun at home with 2 poorly parents! Instead, I bet she had a lovely time with her grandparents and you both had the chance to concentrate on yourselves!

And as long as you don't take the piss out of their willingness to help look after your DD, I fail to see an issue. It sounds like your friend is jealous of the help you have

If my DM was alive, she absolutely would do the same as your parents and parents in law.

User112 · 12/08/2021 12:50

Unfriend that jealous bitch friend!

Family is about being there for each other. Remember to return the favour when they need help. What a lovely family for your kids to be in ❤️

Noshowwithoutpunch · 12/08/2021 12:50

She may have help but it sounds like you and your parents/in-laws have a very special, close relationship with your family.
Sounds like jealousy that the 'help' she has wouldn't extend to looking after her dc at short notice or for an extended period of time.
She'd have done the same as you if she was allowed the opportunity.

goldfinchfan · 12/08/2021 12:51

you have a lovely family. Pulling together is what families are good at......in crisis and ill health.

I would be very wary talking to this friend as she hs sucha strange view of a family

goose1964 · 12/08/2021 12:56

Your children are always your children if they need help and you can provide it you do. It's a great to look after your grandchildren occasionally and they're usually better behaved with GPs than they are for mum and dad

pinkmoon18 · 12/08/2021 13:01

What a lovely family you have!!
Ignore your friends comment, your very lucky!

SleepingStandingUp · 12/08/2021 13:05

that most people don't have that sort of support and 'just get on with it' whilst thos os true ot doesn't explain why ypu shouldn't use it when its offered.

And it wasn't fair on DD to not see us for that length of time any chance she's asked Mil to habe kids for a weekend away and she's been told absolutely not, it wouldn't be fair on the kids, most people don't even have the help she gets etc?

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 12/08/2021 13:09

Norovirus is a literal shitter, and it spreads like wildfire - DS1 caught it when he was a toddler and it spread to me and my parents in a matter of hours. It makes you feel so dreadful, you genuinely believe you're dying. It took us all a good month to get back to normal.

Like a few PPs, my concern would've been transmission. Noro can be really harmful to older people because of rapid dehydration etc.

I totally get how appreciative you are of the very generous help though, norovirus really does floor you - I was of no use to anyone when I had it!

Chloemol · 12/08/2021 13:14

She is jealous you are lucky enough to have this support

Ignore her

messybun101 · 12/08/2021 14:29

Yes you're lucky but so what
People have different luck(s) in their life - yours happens to be the fantastic relationship your DD has with both sets of grandparents and her mum and dad. Actually, I think she's the luckiest of you all. She's had time with each of you and probably been spoiled and loving it
Everyone benefits here. I don't see there being any problem

Knittedfairies · 12/08/2021 14:32

Your friend is envious. Your PILS and DPs are stars though!

Lulu1919 · 12/08/2021 14:37

Why struggle if you don't need to ???
I had no GP so often had to struggle on but if I'd had help I'd have taken it !!!!
Maybe friend is envious

Anonymous48 · 12/08/2021 14:37

As long as you realize that you're lucky to have this help available when needed, because many of us don't, then I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. It sounds as though you are grateful for it, rather than feeling entitled, and I'm sure you thank them appropriately.

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