Grandparents Helping Out with DD

[ScottsTots]

This post stems from a conversation I had with a friend recently in which she thought I was completely out of order and actually said something along the lines of 'if you put this on mumsnet, you'd be flamed'. I don't think she knows I use it so I've NC and 'hi' friend if you read this!!

Background: We have 1 DD who is 20 months. Both sets of grandparents live nearby and are involved with DD and help 1.5 days a week with childcare between them. This was at their request and we were happy, and could afford nursery on those days but they enjoy time with her. Both sets of GPs are healthy and in their late 60s

Last month we all got hit with Norovirus. Think it was going around! Our DD got hit in the week and was very sick overnight but seemed fine the next day. However, we obviously kept her off nursery for 2 days after and myself and DH took a day off each to watch her.

Then Friday night DH got it and from about 3am was with his head down the loo. Saturday day my PIL had planned to go with us all to a National Trust Property for the morning but I ended up staying to be with DH and they scooped up DD and went without us

About an hour later I went down with it (luckily we have 2 loos!). Both of us had it horrifically and both ends (sorry TMI!).

PIL then said there's no way you're able to look after DD, why don't we just keep her for the day, have her overnight and see how you are tomorrow. Great! So they popped back in to pack up her bits and MIL also kindly walked the dog quickly and they left.

Long story short, we were both floored with this from a Saturday until Tuesday morning. PIL contacted my DPs (they often speak) who then also offered to pop to the pharmacy for rehydration sachets and various bits. Also fab but I didn't let them into the house of D&V and they dropped it at the door.

Between my PIL and DPs they had DD over the weekend, dropped her at nursery, did pick ups, came and walked the dog, and dropped off supplies. Finally we were well enough to get DD Tuesday post nursery and things went back to normal.

Now, my friend has said I was absolutely out of order to let my DPs and PIL do so much, that most people don't have that sort of support and 'just get on with it' and I was a bit entitled to use them so much. And it wasn't fair on DD to not see us for that length of time.

My counter argument is we didn't at all expect or ask this of them. They are involved with DD enough that she is totally comfortable with them; happy and content (she also sleeps through the night so we knew we wouldn't be setting them up for difficult nights). Both myself and DH kept asking if they were ok with it, reimbursed them for shopping and sent both sets of parents garden centre vouchers to thank them so much.

We know not everyone has this help and support but we do and have a great relationship with both sets of parents so should we not have let them help as 'other people just get on with it?'

I've tried to lay out the above as the conversation with friend went and give the background she has.

So vipers, WIBU to use the GPs offer of help?

Not sure why you are even trying to justify all of this.

If you are too unwell to look after your child and someone willingly offers to help, where is the problem?

Some grandparents can't/won't help, others are falling over themselves to help and be involved.

You wouldn't you accept the help if it was available to you and your DD and grandparents were all happy? Your friend sounds jealous

*Why wouldn't you

They wanted to do it. Sounds like you have lovely family support

My in-laws would absolutely do this. What benefit would there have been in your insisting on keeping DD?? You’re both miserable and trying to look after her at the same time would have made it worse.
Of course you’d have done it if you had no choice, just like many people who have no choice. But that’s no reason to be a martyr about it. Your friend is being weird.

I've just remembered when DH and I got it a few years ago. The day before my DD's 4th birthday party. We had to cancel the party and my mum took DD and DS 2 and had an impromptu party at softplay for them. Things like this are the reason her kids and grandkids will always go out of our way for her, too.

Why wouldn't you utilise all your resources in an emergency? Its not a race to the bottom and nowhere in your op did I see where she had offered to help in any way shape or form?

My friend is genuinely lovely and this is the only thing we've ever really disagreed on which surprised me hence posting.

She is married and has 2 children but her parents live abroad.

Her PIL live close and help out but I think even she would say that I have a better relationship with my PIL and socialise with them as I enjoy it rather than obliged to IYSWIM

Perhaps there was a little bit of envy behind her outrage

Yanbu.
You didn't expect this level of help, you are very grateful, grandparents and dd have close bond so all comfortable and dd had already had it so unlikely to pass it to grandparents.

I agree that she just sounds jealous! My parents would do the same for us.

I have lots of friends who have zero family support and I’m really conscious of not chatting too much to them about how much my parents see our children. I know we are very very lucky.

Surely that's what families do for each other

Your friend is being weird (and is probably quite jealous).

I know that lots of people have to cope without any support but it still hits me every time when I see pregnant posters trying to figure out childcare for their DC when they go into labour and have to go to the hospital. Some end up having their DP stay at home with the children and give birth with just the midwife. Having parents and ILs who can and will help is a blessing.

YANBU.

It takes a village.

And no doubt they loved it! They wouldn't offer if they didn't want to help.

Most people dont have that sort of help. I'm sure you'd have coped if you didnt. But you didnt have to cope so why would you? I'm sure your dd had a far better time w her gps.

My mum helped out when ds1 (2) had noro and I had just had ds2. She was heroic, just kept collecting puked on clothing /bedding and returned it clean and dry. And shopped for us. And sat in a&e with us when he got too dehydrated. I've never forgotten it.

You're lucky to have a support network but YANBU to rely on it.

Also, your parents wanted to help their children and granddaughter out in a tight spot and were in a position to. What sort of offence would it have caused if you'd thrown that back in their faces and insisted on soldiering on?

Different if your DD was still contagious and a significant risk to them, but it sounds like you were as careful as you could be re infection control.

Different if you'd acted entitled but they offered and you accepted with grace and have said thank you.

Families and friends and neighbours have helped each other out since forever.

@Porcupineintherough

Most people dont have that sort of help. I'm sure you'd have coped if you didnt. But you didnt have to cope so why would you? I'm sure your dd had a far better time w her gps.

My mum helped out when ds1 (2) had noro and I had just had ds2. She was heroic, just kept collecting puked on clothing /bedding and returned it clean and dry. And shopped for us. And sat in a&e with us when he got too dehydrated. I've never forgotten it.

Oh gosh yeah, the washing!

I forgot to mention my DPs also picked up all the bedding etc that needing washing and did it all for us, even taking duvets to the laundrette that I'd tried cleaning but really needed a wash.

Our front door saw constant deliveries of drugs, food and washing for a few days!

You’d have been unreasonable if you’d pressured them to help... but you didn’t.

Your parents and in-laws sound lovely and your friend sounds a little bit jealous! (No judgment, I’m jealous too ).

Your friend is obviously envious of your great support network. You're very lucky

Sounds like they are envious of your support network. If all those involved were happy and willing why do you care? Just respond with "yes we were grateful for their help"

Your friend is jealous and resentful, in our family set up this would be totally how everyone would rally round, I think we are all very lucky. My parents took my infant son for 3 days when I had gastric flu and could only crawl to the bathroom. Both my parents and in-laws were heavily involved when my 2 kids were young I now pay that forward. Now as a grandma I try and pay it forward my son his partner and my grandchild lived with us for a while and we regularly have my grandchild to stay over.
Apart from the support for you surely it’s better for your 20 month old not to be exposed to Novovirus if it can be avoided. Little ones can get so ill very quickly my oldest had a sickness and diarrhoea bug when he was 2 and ended up in an isolation room on a drip, after being ill for 24 hours.

Your friend is an absolute dick head. So kind of your parents and ours would have done the same. As would any helpful GPs. I take it your friend is not so lucky to have this lovely help if she was ill?

Your friend sounds jealous of your relationship with your parents and the closeness between your DD and her grandparents.

Of course you were not being unreasonable.

YANBU
As you say you didn't insist on this help, it was offered.
I can't understand why, if offered, anyone would decline this offer of help.
This is how it would work in my family. My 2 DC's are very lucky to have 4 grandparents that would do absolutely anything for them, as were myself and DH when we were young so to us it just seems perfectly normal.
I understand others are not so lucky but I can't understand how anyone would decline the help you were offered, your friend either sounds jealous or likes playing the martyr

YANBU. Sounds like you have great family support. Other people being jealous is their problem.

It’s horrible being ill when you have young dc to look after, absolutely take the help if they are happy to do it.

YANBU as long as you didn't drive to the NE from London to drop off DCs then to Barnard Castle after you got better to check you were safe to drive home. Many but not all DGPs would drive to the ends of the Earth to help DC and DGC and be grateful for the extra time with the DGC and for the opportunity to help. Don't pay attention to friend's opinion and I'm surprised she felt the need to share that opinion and surprised that was her opinion. Hope you feel fully better soon.