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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents Helping Out with DD

142 replies

ScottsTots · 12/08/2021 10:12

This post stems from a conversation I had with a friend recently in which she thought I was completely out of order and actually said something along the lines of 'if you put this on mumsnet, you'd be flamed'. I don't think she knows I use it so I've NC and 'hi' friend if you read this!!

Background: We have 1 DD who is 20 months. Both sets of grandparents live nearby and are involved with DD and help 1.5 days a week with childcare between them. This was at their request and we were happy, and could afford nursery on those days but they enjoy time with her. Both sets of GPs are healthy and in their late 60s

Last month we all got hit with Norovirus. Think it was going around! Our DD got hit in the week and was very sick overnight but seemed fine the next day. However, we obviously kept her off nursery for 2 days after and myself and DH took a day off each to watch her.

Then Friday night DH got it and from about 3am was with his head down the loo. Saturday day my PIL had planned to go with us all to a National Trust Property for the morning but I ended up staying to be with DH and they scooped up DD and went without us

About an hour later I went down with it (luckily we have 2 loos!). Both of us had it horrifically and both ends (sorry TMI!).

PIL then said there's no way you're able to look after DD, why don't we just keep her for the day, have her overnight and see how you are tomorrow. Great! So they popped back in to pack up her bits and MIL also kindly walked the dog quickly and they left.

Long story short, we were both floored with this from a Saturday until Tuesday morning. PIL contacted my DPs (they often speak) who then also offered to pop to the pharmacy for rehydration sachets and various bits. Also fab but I didn't let them into the house of D&V and they dropped it at the door.

Between my PIL and DPs they had DD over the weekend, dropped her at nursery, did pick ups, came and walked the dog, and dropped off supplies. Finally we were well enough to get DD Tuesday post nursery and things went back to normal.

Now, my friend has said I was absolutely out of order to let my DPs and PIL do so much, that most people don't have that sort of support and 'just get on with it' and I was a bit entitled to use them so much. And it wasn't fair on DD to not see us for that length of time.

My counter argument is we didn't at all expect or ask this of them. They are involved with DD enough that she is totally comfortable with them; happy and content (she also sleeps through the night so we knew we wouldn't be setting them up for difficult nights). Both myself and DH kept asking if they were ok with it, reimbursed them for shopping and sent both sets of parents garden centre vouchers to thank them so much.

We know not everyone has this help and support but we do and have a great relationship with both sets of parents so should we not have let them help as 'other people just get on with it?'

I've tried to lay out the above as the conversation with friend went and give the background she has.

So vipers, WIBU to use the GPs offer of help?

OP posts:

saraclara · 12/08/2021 11:22

I envied* my friends who had family support, but only in a gentle way. I wasn't resentful at all. I'd just have liked to have had it too!
That said my inlaws would absolutely have wanted to help in a situation like this, but it was geographically impossible. The odd bit about your friend is that she was clearly angry and the meetup eneded with such a bad atmosphere. That's really odd.

*and yes, envy is the word. Jealous is far too harsh a word to use, and is used erroneously far too often on MN

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 12/08/2021 11:23

Wtf? Your friend is bonkers.
You have a loving and supportive family that want to be there for you when you're ill and this is a bad thing?

Oh yes, we were so ill with noro and our family wanted to help us but we said no thanks, we'd rather try to manage alone while we're exploding from both ends because some other people don't have family support and even though it won't magic up support for them, we'll do without help.

There aren't enough eyerolls in the world. Friend is ridiculous.

Drinkingallthewine · 12/08/2021 11:23

I am sure that in their time of need, you'd reciprocate in kind and give then any kind of assistance within your power to do so. Good family relationships are to be treasured. You've got good people there.
It would be very different if you demanded they help and the really didn't want to do it but they sound like they really wanted to help.

My SIL would have done this for us in a heartbeat. And I would have (and have done) likewise for them. MIL when she was alive, would have too - and when she was ill, we helped her in whatever way we could.

I think your friend might have thought you imposed too much on your parents but only they can really tell you that.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/08/2021 11:24

Entitled means expecting other people to put themselves out for you and not being grateful. Your friend sounds judgemental and like she expects you to be a martyr

saraclara · 12/08/2021 11:24

Oh, and I'm a GM now and would rush to help out in the same situation. I'd be a tiny bit disappointed if my DD didn't take me up on it. And I know that my DGD would be absolutely fine with me for a few days. I'd be knackered at the end of it, mind, but in the OP's case there were two sets of GPs to tag team, so I'm sure they were fine.

Muchasgracias · 12/08/2021 11:25

Thinking about this a bit more, my DM has helped my Dsis’s loads and in my view done far too much for them on many occasions. I live too far away to benefit from this support and when my DM comes to stay with me she’s having a holiday from childcare. I might have made a similar judgement to your friend but I would have kept it to myself because I’d know full well it was all based on pure and utter jealousy and that’s all on me.

CrotchetyQuaver · 12/08/2021 11:26

YANBU you're very lucky to have such great grandparents close by

Fernando072020 · 12/08/2021 11:31

Your friend is clearly a bit bitter at not having family support to the extent you do. Of course it's ok for your dd's grandparents to watch her and look after you both! That's what families are for. You didn't force them at gun point🙄

Moonbabysmum · 12/08/2021 11:32

@ElspethFlashman

Do you have any friends you can do reciprocal child swaps with?

We have occasionally had close friends children over for the weekend, so our friends can have a weekend off, under the vague understanding that they will reciprocate if my parents become unable to have our children overnight in the future.

snowdropsandcrocuses · 12/08/2021 11:34

I'm absolutely in the same boat as you op. I have two sets of gp's that would step in and help and would absolutely want to. My kids have spent nights with both since they were little. In laws have had them for five days while we go away, regular childcare from both, helped us out when we moved with meals and labour and all sorts. Sometimes we ask and sometimes it is offered. But we also help them out however we can. It is family. We are family. They absolutely adore their grandchildren and they adore us. We are incredibly blessed to have close family but it isn't to be scorned or insulted by others. I understand others don't have it and that is very sad but I wouldn't change the relationship because others don't like it. It sounds as though your parents and in laws love you and your family and are just doing what loving family members do!

WTFisNext · 12/08/2021 11:34

YANBU your daughter is lucky to have grandparents who want to be such a stable, loving and caring part of her life.

The side effect for you was having the space to be ill without the stress of trying to care for a baby at the same time. I can't think of a single parent who'd turn down that sort of help in the same circumstances if offered freely.

Muchmorethan · 12/08/2021 11:35

My DP would've done the same and have done previously when we needed support.

Your friend is jealous and being nasty

mummypie17 · 12/08/2021 11:36

YANBU

My PIL and my DM help us without us asking and would do the same. We feel blessed to have them.

PrancerandDancer · 12/08/2021 11:37

Friend sounds jealous... Which is understandable but your not unreasonable.
You are very lucky. But it seems you know and appreciate that.
Everyone was happy with the arrangement so no issue. Lucky DD for having such a wonderful family.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/08/2021 11:38

Both sets of grandparents sound lovely and why wouldn’t they help if they could. Who would want grandchild or dog having to just get by to it if they could help. Yes you could have managed if had to - dog go in garden, toddler watch tv all day and eat cereal or bananas but why if they don’t have to.

ancientgran · 12/08/2021 11:39

I was thinking about a similar incident that happened years ago when my DD was about the same age as your little one.

Woke up one morning and DH and I were both so sick, never been so sick in my life. DD was fine. My brother and his wife were visiting from overseas and staying at my mother's, they were all due to come and spend the day with us so of course I phoned and told them it was off and how ill we were. They were fine said we'd catch up when better etc.

No one came near us for several days. My poor DD spent two days sitting on our bed between us watching TV. I would stagger downstairs occasionally to get her a drink or something to eat. Of course DH and I would rush to the bathroom at regular intervals.

We all survived but 30 years on I still think they were horrible and uncaring to not offer to have DD even for a few hours.

I think your parents and PIL did what I'd think any decent family member or friend would do and your friend is well out of order.

BarryTheKestrel · 12/08/2021 11:43

If you have the support, the help is offered willingly and your DD is happy and cared for, it really doesn't matter what other people think or if other people have that kind of support or not. You were unwell, yes you could have struggled through but it would have been no fun for you or DD, instead your family stepped in and allowed you to recover and kept DD happy and entertained. You are lucky but not at all unreasonable.

I know both DM and MIL would also offer this in a heartbeat if they had the time to do so, and DCs are happy and comfortable with them and wouldn't be at all bothered. I wouldn't ask it of them but if they offered and I had D&V I'd bite their hand off.

Bigoldhag · 12/08/2021 11:50

Deffo not being Unreasonable, your friend is nuts. If your family are happy to, have at it. My parents would do exactly the same!!

Mary46 · 12/08/2021 12:05

Jealous friend. Hope you feel ok. I never got help but nice to see there are good gps out there. If I ever have grandkids and their parents unwell of course I would help out

Confrontayshunme · 12/08/2021 12:06

A friend of mine and her DH were sick like this once with a four month old, and I felt SO bad I couldn't help any more than dropping off food and rehydration drinks. They had to beg an agency to send a baby nurse because she literally couldn't get out of the loo even to feed him, which would have made her even more dehydrated. Nurse was lovely and stayed for 3 days until they were better. They moved 3 hours to live near very helpful GPs though about six months later. You are so lucky. I count myself lucky to have very helpful PILs who literally took my DC for a week when my DH came home from a broken hip/femur. I am so grateful for them.

Gilly12345 · 12/08/2021 12:08

Your friend sounds jealous that you have such good family support.

You didn’t ask for the help they offered.

I would move on and be grateful that you have good family.

BritishSummertime · 12/08/2021 12:08

I think your DPs and ILs sound lovely, and a lovely counterbalance to the familial issue threads.

My DM and ILs would definitely have done the same for us, and I realise ow lucky we are, as do you by the sounds of it!

TillyTopper · 12/08/2021 12:09

I think it's lucky for having so much willing help nearby. But GPs probably enjoying have DC too. Perhaps your "friend" is a bit jealous?

CatRamsey · 12/08/2021 12:13

As I was reading this I thought what a lovely family you have! It's great that both sets of parents communicate with each other and so lovely that you sent them vouchers to say thanks.

You didn't do anything wrong OP, I'm making an assumption here but I'm guessing your friend would struggle if she were in this situation, and is therefore a bit miffed that help came so easily to you? Just because others have to just get on with it doesn't mean you shouldn't accept help when it's offered!

ClaryFairchild · 12/08/2021 12:14

How on earth were you out of order to accept an offer from loving parents to help you when you were extremely vulnerable by looking after an adored grandchild, who had a wonderful time?

Your friend is having a temporary "dick" phase or the green eyed monster has sunk its fangs into her.

SHE is out of order for daring to voice outrage over this.

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