Page 3 | Grandparents Helping Out with DD

timeisnotaline · 12/08/2021 10:42

Wow If you’ve got that level of help TAKE IT!

Doomscrolling · 12/08/2021 10:45

It would be unreasonable to expect that level of help.

It’s not unreasonable to take it when it’s freely offered!

RedMarauder · 12/08/2021 10:45

She is not "genuinely lovely".

You didn't ask for the help they offered.

KatieKat88 · 12/08/2021 10:46

Yeah she's jealous of the level of support you have. Which is understandable but YANBU to accept help freely offered in a time of need! Why make DD have a rubbish few days with you two being ill if she has willing and able GPs to take her? And it's not like you were having a jolly!

ElspethFlashman · 12/08/2021 10:46

I have to say that as someone who had 2 under 2 and raging PND and zero family support, I would have found that very hard to listen to.

I have cousins who I see once a year and who at the time used to tell me all about their routine, which involved huge grandparent input and nights out and also (which was literally painful to listen to) weekends away at weddings without the toddlers.

I wasn't stupid, I knew that part of my PND was never being able to get a break.

I never used to say anything, but I would literally cry in envy back home.

Wtf1980 · 12/08/2021 10:50

I didn't and have never had the kind of support you get.
But if that was any of my children I would do the same as your pil.
You sound like you have fabulous parents and pil and I'm slightly jealous.
Obviously no one has to help but I do find it kinda sad that grandparents if they can help don't.

Hawkins001 · 12/08/2021 10:52

@ScottsTots

This post stems from a conversation I had with a friend recently in which she thought I was completely out of order and actually said something along the lines of 'if you put this on mumsnet, you'd be flamed'. I don't think she knows I use it so I've NC and 'hi' friend if you read this!!

Background: We have 1 DD who is 20 months. Both sets of grandparents live nearby and are involved with DD and help 1.5 days a week with childcare between them. This was at their request and we were happy, and could afford nursery on those days but they enjoy time with her. Both sets of GPs are healthy and in their late 60s

Last month we all got hit with Norovirus. Think it was going around! Our DD got hit in the week and was very sick overnight but seemed fine the next day. However, we obviously kept her off nursery for 2 days after and myself and DH took a day off each to watch her.

Then Friday night DH got it and from about 3am was with his head down the loo. Saturday day my PIL had planned to go with us all to a National Trust Property for the morning but I ended up staying to be with DH and they scooped up DD and went without us

About an hour later I went down with it (luckily we have 2 loos!). Both of us had it horrifically and both ends (sorry TMI!).

PIL then said there's no way you're able to look after DD, why don't we just keep her for the day, have her overnight and see how you are tomorrow. Great! So they popped back in to pack up her bits and MIL also kindly walked the dog quickly and they left.

Long story short, we were both floored with this from a Saturday until Tuesday morning. PIL contacted my DPs (they often speak) who then also offered to pop to the pharmacy for rehydration sachets and various bits. Also fab but I didn't let them into the house of D&V and they dropped it at the door.

Between my PIL and DPs they had DD over the weekend, dropped her at nursery, did pick ups, came and walked the dog, and dropped off supplies. Finally we were well enough to get DD Tuesday post nursery and things went back to normal.

Now, my friend has said I was absolutely out of order to let my DPs and PIL do so much, that most people don't have that sort of support and 'just get on with it' and I was a bit entitled to use them so much. And it wasn't fair on DD to not see us for that length of time.

My counter argument is we didn't at all expect or ask this of them. They are involved with DD enough that she is totally comfortable with them; happy and content (she also sleeps through the night so we knew we wouldn't be setting them up for difficult nights). Both myself and DH kept asking if they were ok with it, reimbursed them for shopping and sent both sets of parents garden centre vouchers to thank them so much.

We know not everyone has this help and support but we do and have a great relationship with both sets of parents so should we not have let them help as 'other people just get on with it?'

I've tried to lay out the above as the conversation with friend went and give the background she has.

So vipers, WIBU to use the GPs offer of help?

With all due respect, yes I can understand not everyone has the same assistant options available, but if the helps there and as long as your considerate of the help you gain, then why not have the help ? Which is better not being able to look after your child propley because your both ill, or making the most of the help that's available to give you better options ?

I understand not everyone will have the support options but why struggle when help is there to help the situation ?

Cuddlemuffin · 12/08/2021 10:52

Your friend is just jealous as she, like most of us, don't have that kind of support with child care. I am very jealous OP but definitely don't think YABU! It sounds like you are greatful and considerate as well as lucky as hell! X

Original poster

ScottsTots · 12/08/2021 10:56

@ElspethFlashman

I have to say that as someone who had 2 under 2 and raging PND and zero family support, I would have found that very hard to listen to.

I have cousins who I see once a year and who at the time used to tell me all about their routine, which involved huge grandparent input and nights out and also (which was literally painful to listen to) weekends away at weddings without the toddlers.

I wasn't stupid, I knew that part of my PND was never being able to get a break.

I never used to say anything, but I would literally cry in envy back home.

I'm so so sorry that you've suffered from PND. I started to spiral after having DD due to issues with breastfeeding and feeling like such a failure. It was the most awful feeling and I can't imagine having it for a significant period. You must be so amazing to have coped with your 2 through it.

Just to answer your point about my friend potentially having to listen to it. We don't usually speak much about our DC when we get together for coffee: it's usually trash tv we're watching, work (we're in the same field) or relationships.

In this instance she knew we'd been ill and asked how we both were. Then asked how on earth we'd coped with our DD which prompted the conversation. She was fascinated by the help and really dug into 'if you were that ill, what about the dog?...Did you spread it about getting shopping in etc'. I didn't do a long spiel of how great my support network is (but obviously said how grateful we both were).

This ended with her saying it was outrageous and really out of order.

On reflection our coffee ended in an awful atmosphere and I haven't heard much from her since so wondering if she's stewing on this?!

OP posts:

WhatsMyNameGonnaBeNow · 12/08/2021 10:57

Your friend sounds cracked but then I’ve seen similar oddball views like hers expressed here. I’ve no idea why anyone would reject this kind of help which was offered freely and gratefully received. Although some people take a kind of weird pleasure in being martyrs .

Zilla1 · 12/08/2021 11:00

If you have any doubt, OP, what do you think you'd want to do if your DC had your DGC and faced the same circumstances? What do you think your non-friend would do, be (what would be to me if they were able to help and chose not to) an awful parent or a hypocrite?

discusstin · 12/08/2021 11:00

What a lovely family you have. It’s something to treasure and is so lovely for the grandchildren to have such involved grandparents. Don’t feel guilty- they were just looking out for their own children as so many people would want to, even if they are adults.

Lockdownbear · 12/08/2021 11:00

@Kayo12345

Grandparents have helped with their grandchildren for thousands of years

That pretty much sums it up. Humans and Dolphins are the only mammals who have menopause. Post menopausal adults of both human and dolphins support their young with their babies, aka Grandma's.

Your lucky they are close by and able to help. We made choices with a view to emergency support. And sometimes it's absolutely needed.

Recessed · 12/08/2021 11:05

She's envious but I don't blame her, it's very hard getting no break from parenting and no support when the (literal) shit hits the fan YANBU though.

I had similar comments from my SIL when my mum took my eldest for more than week - I think it was 10days ish - when I was trying to get my masters dissertation finished. I will be eternally grateful to her as that's the only reason I was able to work around the clock to get the grades needed to do my PhD. I wouldn't have been able to otherwise as DD was only a year old. My SIL knew I needed top marks and knew my DD was so used to my mum she was like a third parent to her so she was happy as a clam, yet she tried to insinuate I was terrible as she "could never" do that. Well no she couldn't as her mum never gave her even an hours help and she was hugely resentful of it. It's jealousy OP but I do feel for those to have it as it must be tough to watch your friends be so supported when you're not.

Panickingpavlova · 12/08/2021 11:05

What a load of nonsense

They offered, they did, you needed, you accepted.
No more too it

When my dd was ill once Mil wanted her put on a plane age 2 with people she'd never met just so she could get her hands on her for a few days!!
Rubbing hands with glee indeed!! Enjoy op your very lucky

ElspethFlashman · 12/08/2021 11:05

Well put it this way, my kids are now 5 and 6 and much much easier and I still find it hard to listen to.

I still haven't been away for a night with DH. Not since before they were born.

Her reaction was poor, and too aggressive, but it was probably a cumulation of years of frustration, combined with shock at just how many days reprieve you ended up with, and the food dropped at the door and the laundry etc.

My jaw would have hit the floor. And I wouldn't have reacted that way, but I can't say I wouldn't have gone quiet for a while afterwards.

lastcall · 12/08/2021 11:08

Your friend sounds like a jealous arsehole. If our families were closer, they would have done the same in such circumstances.

Ignore friend.

I imagine you've already thanked your parents and inlaws profusely. You are very lucky to have them in your lives the way you do.

ShippingNews · 12/08/2021 11:10

Your friend sounds jealous ! I'm a grandmother and I dearly love looking after my GC's. A scenario like yours , I'd be there happily looking after DD for as long as it took. Tell your friend that it's your family and everyone is fine with it. She can do what she likes .

Panickingpavlova · 12/08/2021 11:13

Op is there can only imagine her turning on you, if amongst all this help you were Moaning eg.. Mil said she would walk the dog and she cheekily turned up half hour late.

I've had zero support and I never begrudge or felt jealous of anyone but in rarely jealous however, I didn't like people Moaning about tiny things when gwttjngyhelp when I had zero.

SamVimes6 · 12/08/2021 11:14

SmidgenofaPigeon
I don’t really understand why you care so much about what other people think of your family set-up

This in buckets! I really don’t know why it matters, you did what you did…. It’s done now. Be grateful you had help. No point in anyone giving their opi.

Zilla1 · 12/08/2021 11:14

@Lockdownbear I think it might be other cetaceans and reach into mortality of adult Killer Whale DGC -

www.pnas.org/content/116/52/26669

Killer Whale Mumsnet has lots of criticism that the adult KW DC should have left and set up their own pod as soon as they were adults.

Original poster

ScottsTots · 12/08/2021 11:19

@SmidgenofaPigeon @SamVimes6 I would usually agree with you but this friend and I rarely differ in our views but she was so adamant it made me doubt myself.

Besides, if no one cared about other people's opinions and never raked over past conversations then mumsnet would be pretty boring 😂

OP posts:

Hobbitfeet32 · 12/08/2021 11:19

My parents would do the same and regularly have my children for overnights and in the holidays. We don’t live close so if the kids go there they will stay a few nights.

It’s not just about ‘using’ the grandparents for help. Maybe the grandparents get something good from it too. Mine love having them to stay. It’s a pleasure for them, helps keep the young and active and they all have a really great relationship. My parents would be devastated if I didn’t let the children come to stay with them.
My in laws are abroad but would equally love to help if they can. In fact when we do go and stay with them husband and I sometimes go to a hotel and leave the children with the in laws for a night or 2. Everyone is happy!

Muchasgracias · 12/08/2021 11:21

I think it sounds like her experience of GPs helping out is different to yours and she’s projecting. Of course YANBU.

Feelingmardy · 12/08/2021 11:22

I think your friend was actually envious and not able to admit that to herself. Waste no more time thinking about this: you did nothing wrong. I say this as a parent who had no support from grandparents.