I hold down a part-time job x 3 days a week with my local authority. On Mondays & Tuesdays I look after my 2 yr old son. My eldest son (aged 7) is at school during term-time. I work at a relatively subsidiary level, but I feel like a professional joke. Trying to keep up professionally with colleagues who aren't flattened by parenthood, who operate at speed and expect sharp and eloquent responses. I've got porridge down my top, I'm worried about the stack of washing up in the sink and the cat has vomited on the floor. FFS. It's tragic and comedic in equal measure.
I'm shattered by the graft that is motherhood in general; my mind is shot to pieces. I can't do the simplest of tasks some days - I forget my passwords, I have regular brain-freezes during conversations where I go blank, and struggle to recall processes and colleagues' names which is awful. I'm occasionally an embarrassment to myself. I used to be so able at work - my mind felt sharp. Now I feel foggy, tired and slow.
I've just turned 39 and I feel I'm facing a very uncertain professional future, without the basic confidence or skillset required to convince any employer to take me on or to develop my career. Not least the undeniable fact that the children demand so much of me. I feel like I've done a morning's work before I sit down at my desk to log on. And I'm knackered. I haven't got the energy to give my job that I had pre-kids.
I feel like my team-mates are faster, more productive, more focussed, more able to dedicate themselves than me. I lag along in the slow lane, with a rusty cog for a brain, and I can't offer any knowledge, or assistance or support that a thousand other people couldn't do more effectively than me. My supervisor is a nice lady; she's got two grown-up children who are at University now. But when I asked her if there were any extra hours to be had once the little one was at nursery she replied with surprise "I didn't work full-time for ages when I had my children. You might want a day off to do housework, make friends locally etc." In other words, "We're not going to expect more of you, and you shouldn't expect more of us," which is both good and bad I guess.
In any instance I'm not getting encouraging signals there.
Against candidates who have continued developing their careers in linear fashion and who can commit 100% of their energy towards their careers I am gutted to say that now being a mum I feel I would be a poor contestant for any job that required me to be 100% mentally and physically present.
Sometimes I see jobs pop up that look interesting but the level of commitment required is just above and beyond what I could offer at this stage. It's very frustrating. My mind is always half-thinking about domestic life, what's for dinner, what have I put in the calendar for the kids over the coming weeks, the bed-linen needs washing, one of the kids has a playdate which I haven't properly confirmed, how much money is there left over in the account for food for the rest of the month, I need to go to Sainsbury's to buy nappies......etc etc.
I'm only partly mentally present for my job, although I never fail to get my work done on time. Performance-wise I deliver, but I guess I just feel very restricted in how much I can reasonably do.
AIBU to feel like this?