I'm a professional joke since becoming a mum

[Topia]

I hold down a part-time job x 3 days a week with my local authority. On Mondays & Tuesdays I look after my 2 yr old son. My eldest son (aged 7) is at school during term-time. I work at a relatively subsidiary level, but I feel like a professional joke. Trying to keep up professionally with colleagues who aren't flattened by parenthood, who operate at speed and expect sharp and eloquent responses. I've got porridge down my top, I'm worried about the stack of washing up in the sink and the cat has vomited on the floor. FFS. It's tragic and comedic in equal measure.

I'm shattered by the graft that is motherhood in general; my mind is shot to pieces. I can't do the simplest of tasks some days - I forget my passwords, I have regular brain-freezes during conversations where I go blank, and struggle to recall processes and colleagues' names which is awful. I'm occasionally an embarrassment to myself. I used to be so able at work - my mind felt sharp. Now I feel foggy, tired and slow.

I've just turned 39 and I feel I'm facing a very uncertain professional future, without the basic confidence or skillset required to convince any employer to take me on or to develop my career. Not least the undeniable fact that the children demand so much of me. I feel like I've done a morning's work before I sit down at my desk to log on. And I'm knackered. I haven't got the energy to give my job that I had pre-kids.

I feel like my team-mates are faster, more productive, more focussed, more able to dedicate themselves than me. I lag along in the slow lane, with a rusty cog for a brain, and I can't offer any knowledge, or assistance or support that a thousand other people couldn't do more effectively than me. My supervisor is a nice lady; she's got two grown-up children who are at University now. But when I asked her if there were any extra hours to be had once the little one was at nursery she replied with surprise "I didn't work full-time for ages when I had my children. You might want a day off to do housework, make friends locally etc." In other words, "We're not going to expect more of you, and you shouldn't expect more of us," which is both good and bad I guess.

In any instance I'm not getting encouraging signals there.

Against candidates who have continued developing their careers in linear fashion and who can commit 100% of their energy towards their careers I am gutted to say that now being a mum I feel I would be a poor contestant for any job that required me to be 100% mentally and physically present.

Sometimes I see jobs pop up that look interesting but the level of commitment required is just above and beyond what I could offer at this stage. It's very frustrating. My mind is always half-thinking about domestic life, what's for dinner, what have I put in the calendar for the kids over the coming weeks, the bed-linen needs washing, one of the kids has a playdate which I haven't properly confirmed, how much money is there left over in the account for food for the rest of the month, I need to go to Sainsbury's to buy nappies......etc etc.

I'm only partly mentally present for my job, although I never fail to get my work done on time. Performance-wise I deliver, but I guess I just feel very restricted in how much I can reasonably do.

AIBU to feel like this?

My experience echoes that of many other posters. It's a case of trucking on through the early years and lowering your expectations. I bet you are still doing more than some of the mediocre men in your organisation!

This is true. Although not just men in my experience. There are lots of people who are bloody awful at their job and manage to hang onto it year after year. I think the fact that OP cares about her performance and how she comes across at work shows that she’s probably doing much better than she thinks.

If it helps I'm worried about a colleague who had a baby same time as me and she's going back after 4/5 months FT with extra responsibility, and is a definite career climber! Whilst I take a year off and hope to go back 3 days pw! She's desperate to be in leadership and I'm so worried she'll get there and have the attitude of 'well I could manage, so can everyone else'...

My DP is the same - to be honest, she hasn't really done a full-days work since the children were born and now she still doesn't want to go to work, even though the children are in their teens and one has started boarding. I feel for her - it is not easy and not easy to encourage her on this despite the fact that she is a lovely and intelligent woman with a lot to offer!

Exactly like me. Exactly.

I'm also wondering about your partner and whether you might benefit from blood tests to check hormone, iron, vitamin D levels, etc. Kids are tiring, but I'm late 30s with two young kids working 4 days a week and I haven't felt the kind of fog you're describing, although I was still getting up in the night with both of mine for about a year after I went back to work.

@FredaFroo2

If it helps I'm worried about a colleague who had a baby same time as me and she's going back after 4/5 months FT with extra responsibility, and is a definite career climber! Whilst I take a year off and hope to go back 3 days pw! She's desperate to be in leadership and I'm so worried she'll get there and have the attitude of 'well I could manage, so can everyone else'...

I'm the one who went back 4.5m and climbs (well was leadership already). Going back soon was in part due to missing the qualifying period by a short time, feeling immense pressure from both the team and mgt to come back- and really needing the money quite frankly as my partner is studying so I'm the breadwinner too.

My son loves daycare and I'm thrilled he has that experience- I don't feel guilty. But he does come home smelling like other women and it gutted me at first.

For my next baby I will take the year. Every last minute I will be entitled to then!

Your colleague's public face and her private one might be quite different. She may have been very conflicted going back. She may well believe women have a choice and respect all those choices.

I agree watch her but try to find common ground as allies.

I was coming to post something else but my jaw hit the floor reading the previous poster saying that his partner "hasn't really done a full-days work since the children were born" Fuck me, there's half the problem right there. Small children are a 24/7/365 responsibility and the stress, the sleep deprivation and the unrelenting demands turn most brains to semolina.

OP when my smallest was 2 I felt the same. Now he's 4, about to go to school, older child at school. I still work part time but I've got a promotion, am running a department that deals with some serious shit, and am doing a professional qualification. House is a bit of a tip sometimes but the kids are fed and happy. It does get easier, that exhausted fog thins out. You're doing well enough and that's enough for now. In 2 or 3 years you can focus on getting your career back on track; your working life is 40+ years so its a tiny proportion of it where you're doing enough rather than excelling.

@MyFloorIsLava

I was coming to post something else but my jaw hit the floor reading the previous poster saying that his partner "hasn't really done a full-days work since the children were born" Fuck me, there's half the problem right there. Small children are a 24/7/365 responsibility and the stress, the sleep deprivation and the unrelenting demands turn most brains to semolina.

OP when my smallest was 2 I felt the same. Now he's 4, about to go to school, older child at school. I still work part time but I've got a promotion, am running a department that deals with some serious shit, and am doing a professional qualification. House is a bit of a tip sometimes but the kids are fed and happy. It does get easier, that exhausted fog thins out. You're doing well enough and that's enough for now. In 2 or 3 years you can focus on getting your career back on track; your working life is 40+ years so its a tiny proportion of it where you're doing enough rather than excelling.

Sorry, I didn't express myself well - I know it was very hard work (for me too but for DP much more I know). I meant work back in her career/the office - however you would best describe it.

@mangowithasqueezeoflime. Yes I was thinking there may be other pressures for the reason behind her decision. I hope I'm wrong about any attitude to work, as obviously not everyone is the same Xx

@DadAManger

My DP is the same - to be honest, she hasn't really done a full-days work since the children were born and now she still doesn't want to go to work, even though the children are in their teens and one has started boarding. I feel for her - it is not easy and not easy to encourage her on this despite the fact that she is a lovely and intelligent woman with a lot to offer!

Blimey.

DadAManger, perhaps you could acknowledge the hard work your DP has done in bringing up the children . It may not be paid but it is bloody hard work. I would imagine she has done a few long days and nights looking after them unless you are also going to say she has not done that either.

@Topia

I hold down a part-time job x 3 days a week with my local authority. On Mondays & Tuesdays I look after my 2 yr old son. My eldest son (aged 7) is at school during term-time. I work at a relatively subsidiary level, but I feel like a professional joke. Trying to keep up professionally with colleagues who aren't flattened by parenthood, who operate at speed and expect sharp and eloquent responses. I've got porridge down my top, I'm worried about the stack of washing up in the sink and the cat has vomited on the floor. FFS. It's tragic and comedic in equal measure.

I'm shattered by the graft that is motherhood in general; my mind is shot to pieces. I can't do the simplest of tasks some days - I forget my passwords, I have regular brain-freezes during conversations where I go blank, and struggle to recall processes and colleagues' names which is awful. I'm occasionally an embarrassment to myself. I used to be so able at work - my mind felt sharp. Now I feel foggy, tired and slow.

I've just turned 39 and I feel I'm facing a very uncertain professional future, without the basic confidence or skillset required to convince any employer to take me on or to develop my career. Not least the undeniable fact that the children demand so much of me. I feel like I've done a morning's work before I sit down at my desk to log on. And I'm knackered. I haven't got the energy to give my job that I had pre-kids.

I feel like my team-mates are faster, more productive, more focussed, more able to dedicate themselves than me. I lag along in the slow lane, with a rusty cog for a brain, and I can't offer any knowledge, or assistance or support that a thousand other people couldn't do more effectively than me. My supervisor is a nice lady; she's got two grown-up children who are at University now. But when I asked her if there were any extra hours to be had once the little one was at nursery she replied with surprise "I didn't work full-time for ages when I had my children. You might want a day off to do housework, make friends locally etc." In other words, "We're not going to expect more of you, and you shouldn't expect more of us," which is both good and bad I guess.

In any instance I'm not getting encouraging signals there.

Against candidates who have continued developing their careers in linear fashion and who can commit 100% of their energy towards their careers I am gutted to say that now being a mum I feel I would be a poor contestant for any job that required me to be 100% mentally and physically present.

Sometimes I see jobs pop up that look interesting but the level of commitment required is just above and beyond what I could offer at this stage. It's very frustrating. My mind is always half-thinking about domestic life, what's for dinner, what have I put in the calendar for the kids over the coming weeks, the bed-linen needs washing, one of the kids has a playdate which I haven't properly confirmed, how much money is there left over in the account for food for the rest of the month, I need to go to Sainsbury's to buy nappies......etc etc.

I'm only partly mentally present for my job, although I never fail to get my work done on time. Performance-wise I deliver, but I guess I just feel very restricted in how much I can reasonably do.

AIBU to feel like this?

No you're not, I always think that having a little one and a job is basically like taking on two full time jobs with the same hours simultaneously with the ensuing carnage that results!

@mangowithasqueezeoflime For my next baby I will take the year. Every last minute I will be entitled to then!

Can I ask what you mean by entitled to?

I would say everyone is entitled...

I cannot imagine the stress many women are under these days.

I grew up in the 1950's and 60's when most women stayed home to take care of the children and the home front. I remember how my mother made everything easy and comfortable for my father - he never had to concern himself about housework or children during the work week. Dinner/tea was on the table as soon as he walked through the door and my mother wouldn't let us children annoy or worry him. He was the big bread winner, although my mother had a part time job while we were at school.

Weekends were great, we had my father's full attention and had a lot of fun adventures. My dad always had improvement projects going on in the houses and garden.

Women did have careers back then. Our local GP practice consisted of three female doctors who would have become doctors in the 30's and 40's - although I'm not sure if these doctors had children though.

i hear this 100%.

i work 4 days a week. kids are 3 and 2. dd (2) isn't sleeping well at present and because she's disturbing sleep for everyone and getting attention i think ds (3 almost 4) is wetting the bed at night on purpose.

I've just done a video call with the boss and a client. and had to find somewhere to sit in the house which didnt show a shit show.

there's laundry baskets everywhere, the dishes need washing, the cat has literally (in the middle of my call) brought me a bird - but i had to be al professional and the ike and just ignore the fact that there's a dead bird at my feet.

my hair hasntbeen washed for a few days i haven't exercised because whilst i know it'll help e sleep its too tiring.

work life is spent fire fighting. inbox is out of control. and then i have home life to deal with. dh helps a bit. but he'd flat out with work too.

ugh its truly exhausting.

Mine are ten now and I have finally got my career back on track after years of part time half arsed attempts, looked over pay rises and promotions.

It does get better as they get older and you get a sense of self back.

There’s no reason you should be going to work with food all over your clothes, if you were being serious about that.

It’s definitely tough, there’s no doubt about that but three days a week is a gift. There are women working full time in your circumstances but they will no doubt be struggling too, even though they may not say it.

What is your husband/partner doing to share the load. These children are not just your responsibility.

You are probably way better at your job than you are selling yourself to be. Stop putting yourself down. I think what you show eloquently is that women can’t have it all, it’s a myth to think you can.

Lots of good advice here.

I’m just popping on to say you have written a very eloquent and thoughtful post, so you are clearly very capable. If that’s a reflection of how you communicate in your professional life, you are worth employing. Don’t do yourself down and lose confidence over this temporary blip.

@TooStressyTooMessy

DadAManger, perhaps you could acknowledge the hard work your DP has done in bringing up the children . It may not be paid but it is bloody hard work. I would imagine she has done a few long days and nights looking after them unless you are also going to say she has not done that either.

Yes - agree and I just did

Your writing is eloquent and compelling to read.

I, personally, don't identify with your struggles but I can empathise.

I did 4 days when they were babies, and 5 days full on now they're at school. It's a bit of a juggle but I feel more competent than many of my younger childless colleagues. I can confident in my knowledge and experience. I'm also much calmer and less stressed than I was pre-children; politics doesn't bother me, I know it's mostly BS and just carry on with my job.

Not to detract from your message, but perhaps to say that you might find your confidence improves, and that having children might add to you professionally, rather than detract.

Make an appointment with your GP.

Have him/ her check for perimenopause, and assess your anxiety levels.

Maybe do an ADD screening too.

OP you described my life too. My company is in a very exciting phase, everyone is overworked and making a brilliant contribution. I feel like I have been under-performing for years - I fear I'll be found out eventually. My manager is lovely and understanding, but I'm certainly not up for any promotions. I wish that by the time I am out of the brain fog it will be too late. I get through all my work but I can't contribute anything extra because I'm exhausted and I need to go home and parent at the end of the day.

@TooStressyTooMessy

DadAManger, perhaps you could acknowledge the hard work your DP has done in bringing up the children . It may not be paid but it is bloody hard work. I would imagine she has done a few long days and nights looking after them unless you are also going to say she has not done that either.

Doesn’t mean that now they’re teenagers, one of whom is at boarding school ffs, she can retire! Plenty of people work bloody hard either at home or at work or both while children are young...doesn’t mean they get to live off that for years to come and expect someone else to fund them to potter around at home all day!!

Yes bringing up small children is hard work but honestly, it’s a bit embarrassing how some women on here seem to think that a mother can do no wrong and is entitled to everything on a plate forevermore because she has looked after her own children while they were small! If I was @DadAManger I’d want my wife to continue working in some capacity just like he presumably has to!

It’s normal.

When I went back after the first maternity leave I was in a new department due to the old office closing when I was off. The new office was like stepping back in time. Loads of errr how ca. I say this? less than bright colleagues, all seemed to also have been redeployed there. You know what? I absolutely loved it because I stood out as efficient as the job was so dull and I didn’t have to think and never got held back after 4:30 and always made it to nursery in time. I called the office the Cobweb Corner. But it suited my circumstances and made doing it all just a bit easier.

In time, my brain returned, my children got older and I was ready for a new challenge but for now stop expecting more from yourself, I actually think your supervisor gave you good advice.

I find the mental load on women is often overlooked TBH. Hey we are not all fucking Superwoman! Your boss seems nice and maybe remembers her early years with DC being hard work! Most people working like this, need some sort of support network.Have you a partner or nearby family to help? Dont beat yourself up ,you are doing a great job but you are just a Human after all!