I'm a professional joke since becoming a mum

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I hold down a part-time job x 3 days a week with my local authority. On Mondays & Tuesdays I look after my 2 yr old son. My eldest son (aged 7) is at school during term-time. I work at a relatively subsidiary level, but I feel like a professional joke. Trying to keep up professionally with colleagues who aren't flattened by parenthood, who operate at speed and expect sharp and eloquent responses. I've got porridge down my top, I'm worried about the stack of washing up in the sink and the cat has vomited on the floor. FFS. It's tragic and comedic in equal measure.

I'm shattered by the graft that is motherhood in general; my mind is shot to pieces. I can't do the simplest of tasks some days - I forget my passwords, I have regular brain-freezes during conversations where I go blank, and struggle to recall processes and colleagues' names which is awful. I'm occasionally an embarrassment to myself. I used to be so able at work - my mind felt sharp. Now I feel foggy, tired and slow.

I've just turned 39 and I feel I'm facing a very uncertain professional future, without the basic confidence or skillset required to convince any employer to take me on or to develop my career. Not least the undeniable fact that the children demand so much of me. I feel like I've done a morning's work before I sit down at my desk to log on. And I'm knackered. I haven't got the energy to give my job that I had pre-kids.

I feel like my team-mates are faster, more productive, more focussed, more able to dedicate themselves than me. I lag along in the slow lane, with a rusty cog for a brain, and I can't offer any knowledge, or assistance or support that a thousand other people couldn't do more effectively than me. My supervisor is a nice lady; she's got two grown-up children who are at University now. But when I asked her if there were any extra hours to be had once the little one was at nursery she replied with surprise "I didn't work full-time for ages when I had my children. You might want a day off to do housework, make friends locally etc." In other words, "We're not going to expect more of you, and you shouldn't expect more of us," which is both good and bad I guess.

In any instance I'm not getting encouraging signals there.

Against candidates who have continued developing their careers in linear fashion and who can commit 100% of their energy towards their careers I am gutted to say that now being a mum I feel I would be a poor contestant for any job that required me to be 100% mentally and physically present.

Sometimes I see jobs pop up that look interesting but the level of commitment required is just above and beyond what I could offer at this stage. It's very frustrating. My mind is always half-thinking about domestic life, what's for dinner, what have I put in the calendar for the kids over the coming weeks, the bed-linen needs washing, one of the kids has a playdate which I haven't properly confirmed, how much money is there left over in the account for food for the rest of the month, I need to go to Sainsbury's to buy nappies......etc etc.

I'm only partly mentally present for my job, although I never fail to get my work done on time. Performance-wise I deliver, but I guess I just feel very restricted in how much I can reasonably do.

AIBU to feel like this?

I work with a number of mums with young children and I am not aware of any of them being like you say. I'm sure some of them are but I doubt it's particularly obvious to your colleagues so don't be so hard on yourself. If your work is done on time cut yourself some slack for the rest.

You clearly haven't lost it. You right eloquently and amusingly. I enjoyed reading your post.
You'll be OK

Listen to your supervisor, she’s been where you are now. It’s OK to tread water for a bit. When you’re youngest starts school you’ll still have well over 20 years of working to kick start and develop your career. The myth that we can have it all is pernicious.

So relieved to read this OP. I feel exactly the same

Meanwhile, my menopausal brain fog means I have lost the ability to differentiate right from write!

You’ve got experience on your side. It counts for a lot.

Your boss will remember how hard juggling parenthood and work was and sounds like she’s being very sensible around you having some kind of balance

Gosh I felt this post so much. I have no answers unfortunately. My brain just isn't as good as it once was. I'm always thinking about things that need to be done for the kids. You would think school holidays it would lessen but it's worse trying to remember who is where every day and what new uniform do they need and then comes all the emails about the clubs that need rejoing and paying. I just can't keep up. I went more part time 3 months ago but I just found it harder if anything, not fully engaged with either home or kids. It's like doing an emergency stop every time I finish my working week to then go into fire fighting all of the kids appointments/ jobs that need to be done. To be honest my husband is fantastic too but it just that it whizzes through my head constantly and he says he doesn't have that with the kids things just his work. I have no answers just solidarity.

I’m in this right now, with a 2 year old and working 3 days a week. I feel like I never get anything done at work and my son is quite often in the house when I’m working as he’s ill or isolating most of the time. I have full time none parent colleagues picking up slack or I have to work on an evening to keep up and i feel constantly guilty about not being great at work or at home. And I have a DH who feel the same too.

I know it will pass. It’s short term while DS is little and it will get better! I don’t think this year has helped.

Yanbu to feel this way at all. But I do think yabu to yourself! We can have it all but that requires doing it all and it's fucking exhausting. I feel exactly the same about work as you do, I just can't spin the plates I used to at work, because I'm spinning so many other plates at home! I went bacj full time when DC1 was 3 and my god, it's a killer. About to go on mat leave for DC2's imminent arrival and I'm already dreading going back to work. Solidarity to you! Be kinder to yourself

Are you WFH? I find the boundaries hard to maintain with WFH. I try to have a little routine - coffee made, put on clothes that are a bit different to my school run ones, start the day with my to do list - this helps separate mum from worker.

The most important thing you need to do is lower your standards.
You can't possibly do the washing up, have the house sparkling or even THINK of making the beds before you get to work.
Invest in that old fashioned thing called a house coat and wear it over your work clothes in the morning so you don't get any food or splashed items on you.
On the days you are working make sure everything is out and ready the night before and ready to go - no going looking for socks, ironing or any of that before work.
Leave your work stuff by the front door, make lunches the night before.
What is your husband doing in the background?
I went back to work as a single parent when my DS was 6 weeks old, full time as a staff nurse, I was 21 so had a lot more energy, the housework didn't get done before the weekend, the dishes didn't get done, my standards were very low or I would have died.
This was back in the 1980's.
But I can tell you everything was ready the night before or there is no way I'd have been fit for the day ahead.
People don't manage because they are trying to do it all - you don't have to.

I’m on the fence about this. Of course every child is different and a huge factor is whether you’re getting reasonable sleep. But honestly I don’t think it should be this hard, certainly not unless you’re a single parent. Does your partner do half of all the things you’ve described including the mental stuff? If not, that’s your problem.

I work four days per week in a reasonably demanding senior professional role and don’t feel like you. But my husband also works four days a week and does half of pick ups etc and although I probably take on more of the mental load he does pull his weight at home.

There are definitely times I look around the messy dusty house and sigh about how overwhelmed I feel but it’s just a passing feeling, not as bad as you describe. Things that help me are making lists to cope with all the things flying around in my head and setting reminders on my phone for everything. Also dropping standards-I would love my house to be perfectly clean and tidy but with a two and a four year old that simply isn’t going to happen.

Is it worth getting some tests to check your vitamin levels etc? If you’re getting enough sleep you shouldn’t feel that mentally stuffed I don’t think. How is your diet? Do you get any exercise?

OP you write brilliantly. My D.C. are older but I could still have written your post.
Still haven’t found the missing mojo but what a PP above said about ADD could be worth looking into.
Or it could be all the flipping kidmin that’s killing us all. Even if childcare and housework can be partly outsourced, it’s all the sodding REMEMBERING that derails me. Solidarity. Stay strong.

I felt like this. I went from a career high flyer to a dithering mess. I clung on to my career by my fingernails, despite people telling me to give up and regularly being overlooked when it came to opportunities.

However, I kept telling myself to hang on, just tread water and do the minimum.

Youngest is now 8 and my mojo is coming back.
Everything at home is getting easier, I'm getting regular sleep and stopped giving a shit about the small things.
Which means I'm now thriving at work, offering extra hours here and there, learning new skills etc. It's a relief as I thought that was me done career wise.

I was fortunate however to see some friends get through the younger children phase to know that is just transient.

My advice is to just do what it takes to get through without losing your job or your sanity.
It gets better usually.

On a practical level:

• can you get a cleaner?
• can your seven year old do some basic chores even making his own bed?
• online food deliveries and meal planning (rotate if necessary so you only need say four weekly meal plans and don’t have to come up with a new one each week).
• have a list of jobs that needs doing each evening and one parent does those while the other puts both kids to bed.
• outsource anything else that you reasonably can as well as cleaning.
• use the odd day of annual leave while kids are in childcare/nursery to recharge and get on top of things at home (husband to do the same)

You sound very eloquent to me op.

Honestly I have felt like this for years, I am just about to turn 47, I am struggling with names, basic retention of information that isn't urgent. I am multi tasking and juggling so much at any one time my brain just seems to seize up. I don't talk about this openly even with friends, as I fear they will just see me as ditzy.

The idea that anyone anywhere is seamlessly keeping it all together in a smooth and relaxed way, maybe with one child it is possible but definitely not with two or more.

I am super organised, I have simplified my life to keep the frazzle at bay. I am continuing to declutter everything from my head outwards and I have a few one liners to say when I do get those moments that can otherwise be embarrassing.

I have also committed to do doing one thing at one time, and I ask people/children/others to wait now. I have become more assertive about not doing the cooking whilst on the phone to my mother and fixing a toy. I cook. Then I call my mother limiting it to ten minutes only - then I sit down and take a proper look at the broken toy. The relentless pressure to do a million things at once fries the brain.

Actually I think your supervisor sounds great. Doesn’t sound like she thinks you’re a professional joke at all. And she gets there, she’s been where you are. How nice to have an ally at work.

Don’t try and add extra hours for now, is my personal advice. Tread water until the youngest is in school and then think about upping the hours or progressing your career.
Honestly, most working mums I know with young kids feel like this at some point to a certain degree. It’s tough, stop being so hard on yourself and cut yourself some slack.

I say no to almost everything!

I'm a solicitor and had a career break for two years (worked for myself doing something completely different) when mine were 5 and 2 as I was almost having a complete mental breakdown trying to work and be a parent (and this was with a very supportive DH). After that I went back to contracting in law firms for a bit while they were small, and while those jobs could be stressful I never quite felt the responsibility or that I was trapped as much as I used to. Then I found a job which I do now which is in house for a small entity which is the best job ever, sole lawyer, and nothing like the stress of other roles (or all the shite you have to put up with in law firms). I worked two days a week from home anyway before the pandemic and my daughters are now older. They still need me of course but not in the same physical way as when they were younger and I have found a nice balance.

It sounds like you need to find your confidence and worth again and realise that most of this negativity is coming from you - google "imposter syndrome". Or find a better job which allows more balance in your life/fewer demands. Also have a look at what you do outside work which could be cut down or simplified. I used to be on the bloody PTA while working four days a week. Bloody bonkers, I did far too much.

Working with young kids is unbelievably hard.

Do you have another parent. You sound absolutely frazzled. How much do they do?

The hardest time was when the children were little. It will pass!

Some tips which helped me:
Get a cleaner
Online grocery shopping
Naptimes for the LO
Non iron clothes
Making a to do list - meant I wasnt using headspace, made it manageable and didnt forget anything. This freed me up to concentrate at work.
No talking about home issues at work - to ensure a professional image and give me a break from thinking about it!

I also made very sure that the dad pulled his weight!

I should say my role isn't a step down from law firm work, I'm a director and senior and it's a much more interesting role. Just with a bunch of people with a healthy approach to balancing work with the rest of their lives and it makes all the difference!

I have a 2.5 year old and feel like this too. I used to be fucking brilliant at my job, if I do say so myself, and now I'm just barely clinging on all the time - can't remember anything, can't keep up with emails, I feel rubbish.

I am relieved to see so many people say it gets easier soon, because quite frankly I'm tempted to give it all up and do something less taxing - my brain is completely full.

I’d stick to three days for awhile, it will get easier.
Ps write your passwords down

The expectations of my employer have not changed during my professional life, and I would complain loudly if they had when I became a Mother.

My working hours and ability to travel have changed over the years, and that has been by mutual agreement.