I'm a professional joke since becoming a mum

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I hold down a part-time job x 3 days a week with my local authority. On Mondays & Tuesdays I look after my 2 yr old son. My eldest son (aged 7) is at school during term-time. I work at a relatively subsidiary level, but I feel like a professional joke. Trying to keep up professionally with colleagues who aren't flattened by parenthood, who operate at speed and expect sharp and eloquent responses. I've got porridge down my top, I'm worried about the stack of washing up in the sink and the cat has vomited on the floor. FFS. It's tragic and comedic in equal measure.

I'm shattered by the graft that is motherhood in general; my mind is shot to pieces. I can't do the simplest of tasks some days - I forget my passwords, I have regular brain-freezes during conversations where I go blank, and struggle to recall processes and colleagues' names which is awful. I'm occasionally an embarrassment to myself. I used to be so able at work - my mind felt sharp. Now I feel foggy, tired and slow.

I've just turned 39 and I feel I'm facing a very uncertain professional future, without the basic confidence or skillset required to convince any employer to take me on or to develop my career. Not least the undeniable fact that the children demand so much of me. I feel like I've done a morning's work before I sit down at my desk to log on. And I'm knackered. I haven't got the energy to give my job that I had pre-kids.

I feel like my team-mates are faster, more productive, more focussed, more able to dedicate themselves than me. I lag along in the slow lane, with a rusty cog for a brain, and I can't offer any knowledge, or assistance or support that a thousand other people couldn't do more effectively than me. My supervisor is a nice lady; she's got two grown-up children who are at University now. But when I asked her if there were any extra hours to be had once the little one was at nursery she replied with surprise "I didn't work full-time for ages when I had my children. You might want a day off to do housework, make friends locally etc." In other words, "We're not going to expect more of you, and you shouldn't expect more of us," which is both good and bad I guess.

In any instance I'm not getting encouraging signals there.

Against candidates who have continued developing their careers in linear fashion and who can commit 100% of their energy towards their careers I am gutted to say that now being a mum I feel I would be a poor contestant for any job that required me to be 100% mentally and physically present.

Sometimes I see jobs pop up that look interesting but the level of commitment required is just above and beyond what I could offer at this stage. It's very frustrating. My mind is always half-thinking about domestic life, what's for dinner, what have I put in the calendar for the kids over the coming weeks, the bed-linen needs washing, one of the kids has a playdate which I haven't properly confirmed, how much money is there left over in the account for food for the rest of the month, I need to go to Sainsbury's to buy nappies......etc etc.

I'm only partly mentally present for my job, although I never fail to get my work done on time. Performance-wise I deliver, but I guess I just feel very restricted in how much I can reasonably do.

AIBU to feel like this?

I could have written your OP. I’m similar age, similar age kids. I honestly feel like I lost part of my brain when I gave birth. I feel like I’ve been in a fog since then and never really given 100% to my work. Even when I schedule a day to catch up and my DH is out with the kids, I can’t really get into the same zone without half thinking about dinner and washing etc.

Also, confidence has gone down the toilet. I actually didn’t apply for a job a while back as I felt I was too fat to join a cool East London agency.

I’m hopeful things will change in future. I have a vague plan for when youngest goes to school and am planning to take quite a specialised course. I have worked with women with older kids and teenagers and they have said it gets easier once they can take care of themselves a bit. I think all you can do at this stage is keep on with it and have a plan for your future career.

I had to check I didn't write this - same age, working week and for a LA! You're not alone but I also think we are probably putting more pressure on ourselves that is counterproductive. It's a long slog but I am hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel...perhaps just before menopause hits!

What is your financial situation? Do you have a partner?

If you could manage there is something to be said for taking a career break, either you or your partner, if there is one.

I feel sad when I read posts like this as you can waste a vast chunk of life feeling dissatisfied: doing neither parenting nor career to your satisfaction. There is something to be said for doing one thing well for a while - it will give you more satisfaction.

I did this - jumped off the wheel for bit and devoted my time to being a mother. I learned to do that well and felt better all round. Money was a bit tight, but there were savings associated with not being at work. And I had no problem picking up my career. On my applications I talked up the skills needed to be a good mother and related those to the job I was applying for.

May not be right for you; but it worked for me.

FWIW OP I think your post is so articulate and well-expressed that if you hadn't said you felt bogged down by brain fog, there's no way I would have guessed. To me you come across very well indeed. Perhaps you aren't as slow as you fear?

Awww thanks everyone for your lovely messages! Yes I will write my passwords down. And maybe my colleagues' names, as that is the most cringeworthy bit.

I think it's ok to tread water career-wise for a bit, as PP have mentioned. Perhaps when the little one goes to school.

You sound like you’re struggling. Is your partner/kids’ dad pulling his weight or are you working plus basically being a stay at home mum/maid to the household? That can make the difference in my opinion.

I would say that maybe your job is boring and not fulfilling you? When I am at work I realise I forget about home often because I have enough to engross me. Despite this I do agree my main source of stress has been managing a career and kids by myself though and by 8pm I am useless in any capacity. It is exhausting

@Pebbledashery

You're not unreasonable to feel like this, at all. But your post just screams pity party I'm a lone parent who works full time and my little girl is 3, I work in a front line service provider and my job is ridiculous. I feel shattered and on autopilot most days.. When I stop and take 2 minutes to relax.. I get ill! But do you know what, I suck it up.. Because that's what you do. I chose to have a child and I also chose to work and I have to do both to the best of my ability. No excuses. Your employer is paying you to do a job and it's really good that they don't set a further expectation on you following parenthood, but honestly most people manage it.. Could you afford a cleaner to maybe help with house work so it takes that element away?

Empathy bypass

Sometimes I think it would just be a lot simpler if everyone expected that in most families with kids, one parent would work part time or not at all for a few years, or possibly both could work part time in some cases.Taking care of small children and domestic work together are a job that takes real time and energy. Even in many cases with older kids.

You might want to get your hormone levels checked out @stepupandbecounted. The kind of brain fog you’re experiencing arrived with the peri menopause for me, HRT soon sorted it out.

Also in my experience everyone else is always so much more on top of things than you are - because you can’t see inside their heads! Whereas when others look at you they might be thinking ‘how does Jenny do it with two kids and always manage everything and I’m struggling with no kids.’ It’s easy to compare yourself to others and find yourself wanting.

OP you have described me. I’m a bit older and have a 7 year old. Last year I went part time and dropped my management role. I feel invisible and a bit of a joke. It’s accepted I’m experienced and people can come to me for help but I’m kind of the secure hands at the helm which are then left along unless I’m needed to tidy up a mess.

Homewise, DP does as much as me but he still doesn’t carry the mental load in the same way.

I feel like I’m treading water now - everyone around me at work is young enough to be my own child and I miss being the go-getter.t Maybe this is just natural evolution and I should accept it?

I have a three year old and am pregnant again. I feel exactly the same way. Returning after maternity leave knocked me for six and I had a horrible manager to contend with. I'm not going back to my job after this maternity leave and the thought of having to apply for jobs and interview again makes me feel so stressed. I'm not in a particularly good job now and I feel so tired.

You have a 2 year old and a 7 year old, so yes, you will be tired a lot of the time, but really you are only working 3 days a week so it shouldn't be THAT hard?
Maybe its more that your focus just isn't on work, which is fine for now-that intense focus on your children does pass once they are not so little anymore, and you will be able to concentrate better when you are getting more sleep/rest.
I actually think you are right to be a bit worried about how you are coming across at work, because, yes, you can get sidelined after kids, and frankly over 40, so double whammy for you soon enough.
However, I suspect you are being overly perfectionist (possibly in both the areas of work and child rearing) and you need to knock that on the head. The best advice I ever got at work was from a much younger colleague, who was just so confident and calm and kept getting promoted. I asked her how she did it and she just laughed and said "fake it til you make it". If you think about it, that works for mediocre men too..!
Take the pressure off yourself to be a perfect, always available mother, just be "god enough" and stop telling yourself you are rubbish at work now and can't cope. So you forget passwords and processes-so what? Maybe your mindset has shifted to the bigger picture and details bore you? Plus, everyone forgets stuff, but the people who succeed at work are the ones who never tell anyone that.
Get yourself a bit of bravado and stop caring so much what other people think and you'll be grand.

TL/DR: Be more like a man

@MindyStClaire

I'm at the same stage as you, and 'just less than I was before' is so relevant to me it hurts.

OP, I actually think working PT can be harder than working FT for your brain's ability to throw itself into the various roles of professional/mother/housekeeper/child PA etc etc.
Mine are nearly 1 and nearly 3. I am expecting a good few years of skin of my teething and just hoping it doesn't fuck my work life/health up too much to recover in the future.
Don't know how else to approach it!

Good enough not God enough (if only!)

My experience echoes that of many other posters. It's a case of trucking on through the early years and lowering your expectations. I bet you are still doing more than some of the mediocre men in your organisation!

Think about how you can improve your sleep. I realised at around this point that I just couldn't manage on as little sleep as I did when younger. It can be hard as often evenings are your 'me time' that you don't want to cut short, but even one really early night a week can help you feel more refreshed.

Oh, and ASK for help - from partner, family, friends and so on. Lots of people don't like to ask but people who love you want to help!

I'm a solo parent to a 3 year old and I feel exactly, exactly, EXACTLY like this. Even worse, I don't care. I mean, I do care, because I want to do well at work, I want job security and fulfilment, but I just can't seem to find the energy or drive to care about my actual job or put in the effort needed to start excelling again. It's so disheartening.

My DD is 3.5 and things are getting easier now. I think things would have started getting easier sooner if it hadn't been for lockdown, so not much longer for you to wait.

Try structuring your 2 days off and also your morning before work so that you don't have to think and plan to much at the actual time (as this constant brain strain is what exhaust you and makes you 'foogy' not the actual action of loading the washer or pushing the vacuum). The organised mum method is good for this (with a little tweeking around your own personal set up/hours). Get your son into playgroup ASAP, just a few hours of time to yourself will make a big difference to your state of mind, and he will have had his stimulation whilst at playgroup so you can take the pressure off yourself.

If you have ongoing CPD for your job, allocated time each week. I allocate 2 hours X 2 evenings a week, plus I try to do as much as I can via podcasts whilst doing something else at the same time. Priortise this time to reading your workplace and professional updates, then focusing on your key skills, developing for the future can wait until you're in a better place. This will make you feel more confident at work and less foggy, which will make you less stressed, which will in turn make you more confident and less foggy.

Make sure any child free time is shared out fairly between you and DP/DH on a daily and weekly basis. He doesn't sit down in the evening until you do!

Check for early menopausal symptoms. Everything you describe, OP, can come as peri menopause .

What you write resonates with me so strongly. I think it's common to feel exhausted and scattered while they're so young. It gets better I promise. I'm mid-fifties now, DS is 11 and last year I started my own business which is going really well. 6 years ago I couldn't walk and speak at the same time! The mental and physical effort was too great! As a PP says - keep on keeping on and in a few years you'll regain your mental acuity and mojo.

I haven't got the brainpower today to write anything beyond "I agree", but I agree with you OP. I know exactly how you feel. I feel like an impostor at work these days.

I can really empathise with this post. I do feel that you are in the thick of very tough times- my two are now 7 and 4 and will both be in school from September. I am starting a new job but would never have coped with such a change in their younger years. I am really not as tired and flustered as I was back then.

I have 4 Dc 17,13,6,4.

I returned to work when DC 4 was 3. ( Took 3 yrs off when she was born)
I felt as you do, when I was at home.

I went self employed and I work 4 days 9-2.30.
I couldnt cope with more right now, my Dp has a very demanding job and just cant help much at home- though his contribution is taking and paying the laundrette to do wash loads ( wash dry iron fold) 3x a week, he has offered to pay for a cleaner but I feel on top of that.
Would you consider a cleaner?

I do click and collect on food- only started 6 months ago and it just makes everything easier.

Oh, heavens, I hear you! I'm the same - 17 month old still doesn't sleep more than 2/3 hour blocks, working in a full-on job three days a week, and I just cannot keep on top of all the emails, deadlines and threads of conversations. My husband is brilliant and very much does his half, but it's just naturally really hard to fit in five days worth of information and thinking into three days, and I think it's OK to find it difficult. I'm just trying to remember that we've got about another 30 years left of a career, so it doesn't matter too much if I take things a bit slower for this season of my life, I can press on again once she's older and her needs aren't quite as physically intense as they are right now.