I'm a professional joke since becoming a mum

[Topia]

I hold down a part-time job x 3 days a week with my local authority. On Mondays & Tuesdays I look after my 2 yr old son. My eldest son (aged 7) is at school during term-time. I work at a relatively subsidiary level, but I feel like a professional joke. Trying to keep up professionally with colleagues who aren't flattened by parenthood, who operate at speed and expect sharp and eloquent responses. I've got porridge down my top, I'm worried about the stack of washing up in the sink and the cat has vomited on the floor. FFS. It's tragic and comedic in equal measure.

I'm shattered by the graft that is motherhood in general; my mind is shot to pieces. I can't do the simplest of tasks some days - I forget my passwords, I have regular brain-freezes during conversations where I go blank, and struggle to recall processes and colleagues' names which is awful. I'm occasionally an embarrassment to myself. I used to be so able at work - my mind felt sharp. Now I feel foggy, tired and slow.

I've just turned 39 and I feel I'm facing a very uncertain professional future, without the basic confidence or skillset required to convince any employer to take me on or to develop my career. Not least the undeniable fact that the children demand so much of me. I feel like I've done a morning's work before I sit down at my desk to log on. And I'm knackered. I haven't got the energy to give my job that I had pre-kids.

I feel like my team-mates are faster, more productive, more focussed, more able to dedicate themselves than me. I lag along in the slow lane, with a rusty cog for a brain, and I can't offer any knowledge, or assistance or support that a thousand other people couldn't do more effectively than me. My supervisor is a nice lady; she's got two grown-up children who are at University now. But when I asked her if there were any extra hours to be had once the little one was at nursery she replied with surprise "I didn't work full-time for ages when I had my children. You might want a day off to do housework, make friends locally etc." In other words, "We're not going to expect more of you, and you shouldn't expect more of us," which is both good and bad I guess.

In any instance I'm not getting encouraging signals there.

Against candidates who have continued developing their careers in linear fashion and who can commit 100% of their energy towards their careers I am gutted to say that now being a mum I feel I would be a poor contestant for any job that required me to be 100% mentally and physically present.

Sometimes I see jobs pop up that look interesting but the level of commitment required is just above and beyond what I could offer at this stage. It's very frustrating. My mind is always half-thinking about domestic life, what's for dinner, what have I put in the calendar for the kids over the coming weeks, the bed-linen needs washing, one of the kids has a playdate which I haven't properly confirmed, how much money is there left over in the account for food for the rest of the month, I need to go to Sainsbury's to buy nappies......etc etc.

I'm only partly mentally present for my job, although I never fail to get my work done on time. Performance-wise I deliver, but I guess I just feel very restricted in how much I can reasonably do.

AIBU to feel like this?

I feel like I have been like this for the past 10 years. Youngest dc is 5 and I still find balancing home and work really difficult. My mind is a complete fog. There's ALWAYS something to do/buy/remember. I have become quiet an obsessive list writer and that has helped a little. The mental load is draining. Be kind to yourself, reading this thread it is clear you are not on your own!

@MyFloorIsLava

I was coming to post something else but my jaw hit the floor reading the previous poster saying that his partner "hasn't really done a full-days work since the children were born" Fuck me, there's half the problem right there. Small children are a 24/7/365 responsibility and the stress, the sleep deprivation and the unrelenting demands turn most brains to semolina.

OP when my smallest was 2 I felt the same. Now he's 4, about to go to school, older child at school. I still work part time but I've got a promotion, am running a department that deals with some serious shit, and am doing a professional qualification. House is a bit of a tip sometimes but the kids are fed and happy. It does get easier, that exhausted fog thins out. You're doing well enough and that's enough for now. In 2 or 3 years you can focus on getting your career back on track; your working life is 40+ years so its a tiny proportion of it where you're doing enough rather than excelling.

Well, if she's still saying she doesn't want to go to work even though she has teenage children about to start boarding, I do find it hard to summon up huge sympathy, hard work in the early years has likely been more than balanced out since. I know a number of women in this position, and all also had the funds for plenty of support while children were young, from cleaners to childcare, it's not the slog of a stay at home mum in a low income family, trying to keep the house clean and warm by herself and the kids busy and fed all school holidays on a shoestring budget.

Not read the whole thread but can I second so many posters who say that you are an incredible writer.

So many great replies here but I would suggest a really good multivitamin and stick to it for the next year. We are terrible at prioritising our own needs when we are Mum's and maybe a combination of everything means that you are lacking in a vitamin or mineral.

You sound pretty awesome OP, even though you don't feel it

@Topia see your GP and ask for a health screen. Brain fog and exhaustion aren’t necessarily just a by product of motherhood, you need bloods for anaemia, vitamin levels and thyroid function and more. Don’t just accept this as inevitable.

This is me! I went from being one of the strongest team members to literally messing up left right and centre due to not being able to keep up. I managed 3 months after maternity ended before realising I cannot do both work and parenting well simultaneously. I handed my notice in and worked my last day a week ago. I’m going to take a career break for couple of years.

I see so many working mothers saying that being a SAHM is damaging to your career but I beg to differ, I was doing far more damage to my career by being sub standard. I am going to apply for a more senior job position to the one I left, when I return to work in 2-3 years. I would not have been able to do this is I’d have carried on the way I was.

I agree it is worth going to the GP and having some blood tests, just to see if you're anaemic or something else isn't quite right. Nothing lost if there's no issue, but some things can really pull you down but be solved with a few pills or adjustments, and make a massive difference.

Don't just assume this is all down to circumstance....no doubt, lots of it is, but the extent to which you're suffering and feeling it might be exacerbated by something medical. Worth checking.

And OP, have you mentioned if you're on you're own or have another parent with you? What's the situation there and the balance like....sorry if you already said.

I see so many working mothers saying that being a SAHM is damaging to your career but I beg to differ, I was doing far more damage to my career by being sub standard. I am going to apply for a more senior job position to the one I left, when I return to work in 2-3 years. I would not have been able to do this is I’d have carried on the way I was.

And why would they take you on in a more senior job than before, if you've been out for a number of years? It can be great for all kinds of reasons to be a SAHM, but unless you're doing enough training that it effectively counts as a job, it's hard to see how this works.

I also think you write very well & clearly don’t give yourself enough credit.
I felt the same as you. Blood tests showed low iron, iron stores & vitamin d, treating those things helped me no end.

@OverTheRubicon - now I feel like you must know us. Yes, you are right and we did have significant help for the children from young up until recently as we were expats and had a helper and driver and similar. I do think it was easier than it is for some mums (though not to take anything away from the hard work still needed).

I think there are more people winging it than you probably realise.
They're never going to come out and say it but when a conversation gets started it all comes out.
One of my tips would be to do activities that give a lot of bang for your buck so to speak. So for example if yhere is a meeting once a week focus on attending and being well prepared for it. It hives the impression that you are around and on the ball all the time.

@Pebbledashery

You're not unreasonable to feel like this, at all. But your post just screams pity party I'm a lone parent who works full time and my little girl is 3, I work in a front line service provider and my job is ridiculous. I feel shattered and on autopilot most days.. When I stop and take 2 minutes to relax.. I get ill! But do you know what, I suck it up.. Because that's what you do. I chose to have a child and I also chose to work and I have to do both to the best of my ability. No excuses. Your employer is paying you to do a job and it's really good that they don't set a further expectation on you following parenthood, but honestly most people manage it.. Could you afford a cleaner to maybe help with house work so it takes that element away?

OP is not having a pity party. She has very clearly expressed what many, many women feel at various times as working parents. I raised 2 children as a single working parent and I can very much identify with what OP is describing at points in my working life. That doesn't mean I expected people to feel sorry for me. It helps OP to express her thoughts and feelings and it helps other people to know that they are not alone in theirs. Thank you for your honesty @Topia

[quote FredaFroo2]**@mangowithasqueezeoflime* For my next baby I will take the year. Every last minute I will be entitled to then!*

Can I ask what you mean by entitled to?

I would say everyone is entitled...[/quote]
I meant, I missed statutory mat pay by a few weeks as I was in a new job. So no 6 weeks at 90%.

Also work in civil service so after a year you get occupational leave as well which I also didn't qualify for.

I could only get maternity allowance but since my other half is studying it wasn't enough to live on.

The other thing I don't qualify for is tax free childcare because DP is neither in work nor on benefits.

My point being not everyone returns early to climb the ladder there's other reasons too. I want to take a year and I want anyone on my team to do the same. I hope the colleague shares that view.

I wasn't leading by example but doing what had to be done.

And my brain is foggy, I've turned off the camera to pump, and my son is with me for any meeting anyone is bold enough to schedule after pick up. 😬

I’m surprised your manager actively said about not working full time when having kids. That just screams parental discrimination and is fuel to fill you with no confidence

Do you like your job and colleagues? I felt exhausted and distracted in my last job, it turns out that a lot of it is that I got stuck in a vicious circle, because I took a step down to have more time with the kids, but then didn't really suit or enjoy the work I was doing, so got distracted and didn't do it really well like I used to, so didn't have the same great relationships with my manager, so enjoyed it even less and so on.

Took covid redundancy to both my and my manager's relief, was lucky to quite quickly have a number of other offers, and my new job is just as busy but I'm so much happier. Washing still piles up some times, but with slightly better pay I've put some aside for cleaning, and it's so much better. Covid sucked on so many levels but as a single parent I would never have had the courage or energy to leave otherwise. If you can financially manage, agree with others about getting your health checked but also thinking about what will make you happy, whether that's having some years at home, or a better fitting job, or more support from your partner or paid to ensure you can actually do your job.

You are only working 3 days a week. I get it that your mind is being pulled pillar to post - I have been there too - but forgetting passwords and colleague's names is quite extreme and suggests that it is more than just young kids and juggling. I would echo other posters to make your partner (if you have one pull their weight) and to do some medical tests.

Could this be long covid?

I see so many working mothers saying that being a SAHM is damaging to your career but I beg to differ, I was doing far more damage to my career by being sub standard. I am going to apply for a more senior job position to the one I left, when I return to work in 2-3 years. I would not have been able to do this is I’d have carried on the way I was.

No shame in being sub standard. Lots of so-called normal non-parents are sub standard. Just continue to be sub standard (aka treading water) in your current job until the children are older and then re-invent yourself in another job.

I am sceptical that someone who is out of their job is able to get a more senior job at another company after 2-3 years. Maybe if this person were doing job, as opposed to a professional or executive position.

Dear OP

You actually sound really normal to me. You're trying to do several jobs at once and are feeling that you aren't coping, when in fact, to others, you will probably appear just fine. It does get better with time as the kids grow up and you don't have to watch them 24/7. I wouldn't recommend increasing your working hours (I used to do 3 days a week). When your youngest finally starts doing a few hours in nursery, you'll need that precious time to catch up at home or have a half hour doing absolutely nothing or meet up with the other mums - important for your wellbeing. Sadly, your career won't progress much but you will at least stay in work. It is very difficult to do career and children at the same time along with the mental load. It isn't worth the toll on your body to try to be Superwoman. I found a small notebook with lists of things to do, passwords etc really helped as I couldn't seem to remember much, but if I noted it down, it was less likely to be forgotten. Weekly meal planning also helps so you can know what is happening on which day and when and if it's written down, you don't have to bother remembering it. Stick to getting your work done on time and an acceptable performance level and try not to compare yourself to others. You are doing very well and it is just for a period of time after which things will get better and you will realize that you are coping after all.

If there is any time management training available in your workplace you may wish to attend it. Otherwise, as others have suggested, you may wish to get a health check in case you can help yourself in some way (for example, low iron levels can leave you feeling very tired). Please keep a copy of your initial post and save it for one day when you do have time to write a novel as it is very good!

Good luck

Yes, apologies, it was the ‘never done a full day’s work’ comment that annoyed me. I wasn’t implying she should never work again! I cross posted with your second post DadAManger where you clarified.

Not read the whole thread but I felt like this for a long time. I did compressed hours and travel but not in a sector where either of us earned enough for significant extra help. I'd always prided myself on being super sharp and quick and it was a shock to not feel like that.

Youngest is nearly 5 now and it's much better even though they still don't sleep well. What I would say is that you are probably being harder on yourself than others notice. I'm not sure you ever get that full focus on your job back - I don't ever quite get that flow I used to- but I probably make better decisions because I care less about what others think. You're almost definitely doing much better than you think.

Yes. Then when it starts to feel better you get the menopause and some joyous thing like arthritis. Plus, teenagers. You just have to accept you won't be as good at work for a while. Local authorities are very hard up at the moment so unless it's crucial, I wouldn't think they'll up your hours. It all has to be agreed and fought for with the powers above.

It does get easier, I have gone from part time when the kids were young back to full time. It is only in the last few years I have felt completely good at what I do. My brain works again, I am enjoying my job but I did feel a bit like you when they were young. All those that were full time and flying are now Mum's and part time and struggling. So it goes full circle.

Are you inside my head OP? My DC are 2 and 5. I'm currently juggling pain from an ovarian cyst which has completely wiped me out, DS on school holidays so out of the usual routine of childminder etc, DD off nursery with a stinking cold. Plus working 4 days a week in a professional role in a huge corporation where everything moves at 100 mph. DH is helpful but absolutely snowed under at work. We go on holiday on Friday and I have done absolutely no prep. I wish I was going to an all inclusive hotel somewhere hot with childcare for a week but instead it's self catering in Norfolk 😣😣

@Topia - I think you are being overly harsh with yourself. I started a new professional role in a similar organisation full time straight after maternity leave from my last post - where most of the team were full time.

I was baffled as to why my new colleagues were mostly part time and so keen that I went part time, a few months in with a non sleeping baby, a manager who had a live in nanny for her children and didn't understand the strain of sleep deprivation and I understood why. After battling through a few years of full time nursery I am now part time and much happier for it.

I think when your manager expressed surprise that you wanted to increase your hours is a reflection on her choices and her experience - no your ability. If you do want to increase your hours you need to be applying for this now though as 1) there may not be the budget available and 2) these decisions seem to take forever in many local authorities.

I have had many former colleagues who knew me pre-motherhood - advise me to enjoy the time with my daughter while she is little ( I am a lone parent) as the time goes by so quickly and work will be here for another 30 years. A number also said they lost confidence in their abilities and it took years to get that back - well into their youngest being late primary for some of them.

There is nothing to stop you progressing when your children are a bit older. I am coasting in my career at the moment but I'm ok with that as trying to do it all was just too much for my mental health.

I see so many working mothers saying that being a SAHM is damaging to your career but I beg to differ, I was doing far more damage to my career by being sub standard. I am going to apply for a more senior job position to the one I left, when I return to work in 2-3 years. I would not have been able to do this is I’d have carried on the way I was.

Unless you work in an extremely unusual industry this sounds....wildly optimistic. By all means give up work and be a SAHM but do it with your eyes open to the likely reality in a few years time and don’t try and kid yourself and others that you would have been actively harming your career to keep working in some capacity, even part time treading water. If you were actually, genuinely incapable of doing your job to any reasonable standard then something has gone seriously wrong somewhere. Give up work if that’s the right call for you but it’s a bit of a stretch to say you’re doing it to make a positive career move

When I was at your life stage this essay called Vortex of Vague really resonated with me. You are definitely not alone and you do come out of it in stages.