To feel jealous of people with neurotypical children?

[littlesm]

I'm not usually a bitter or jealous person but as my children are growing up I look at families with just neurotypical children (families I know well not just assuming) and can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Is it just me?

Yes very sad and jealous, I have one child diagnosed, one awaiting and now family keep saying they think my other two are autistic, 4 children, I’m sorry but that seems quite unfair, sorry if that offends anyone but yes I feel sad that I won’t have the experience of an NT child, I don’t know anyone with multiple children with autism (more than 2) most people I know only have one child, they are the only ones in mine or exes family with autism so does seem a bit strange, I feel sad that others won’t have to experience how tough life is not that I want them to more than they don’t have to have the same difficult experience and it feels unfair

I’m autistic. I’ve had a very difficult time but I have come to embrace it and most of the time I wouldn’t change it. I have sympathy for everyone who is having a difficult time parenting their neurodivergent children. However, the way some of you in this thread speak about my neurotype makes me want to die.

@AutistGoth that's such a heartfelt posting. Life can be so bloody tough sometimes.

I hear you, and you are not being unreasonable. I fear for my sons. One is in supported living, after three years in residential care. He spends a lot of his time smoking and eating. The other is locked in rituals, socially isolated at home.

I love my sons, but as they have got older, services have diminished. Unfortunately, this is a sad fact for many adults with autism.

It is not that I wish my sons were typical lads in their early twenties; it's more that I wish I could see a positive future for them.

I am on the fence. I have a son with ASD and a neurotypical daughter with a chronic health condition. I now foster and one of the children I have fostered has a range of needs and is likely to be a wheelchair user as they grow, I know from my time working with kids with complex health needs that society isn't set up for anyone who isn't Joe Average.

@mutationseagull

Also, I can guarantee that your children can sense your resentment and lack of acceptance for a fundamental part of them. Your time and energy would be much better spent on cultivating radical acceptance of what is rather than wasting it on comparing your life to others and wishing for your child to be somebody else.

I can guarantee you that in most cases they don’t.

There is a big difference between coming online and talking to people who “get it” and what is shown to the child. Ds knows nothing other than how amazing I think he is and how I will jump through every hoop necessary to make sure he gets everything he needs

@willthatbeall and @NotPersephone I had the "it's unfair" whispers when DC had a TA in school. There were also pointed comments about "stay at home parents sending their DC to school" when DC was offered a place at school during lockdown, I sent them for one day as they hated home learning (school work belongs at school, after all) but they also hated lockdown school so I didn't send them back after that one day. When school went back and they had staggered start times, DC wouldn't go to school. School starts at 8.45 not 9.15, so school as a reasonable adjustment allowed DC to go in at 8.45 as it was the only way to get them in the door. Again with the "it's not fair"'s. One day DC fell over in the yard and grabbed onto another child as they fell so both children fell over. CCTV in the yard showed it was an accident. The other parent went ballistic that my DC had "attacked" their DC, told everyone in the yard that my DC shouldn't even be in a "normal school" and that it was obvious where they got this behaviour from as I wasn't even interested in telling him off for the "attack".

Also, I can guarantee that your children can sense your resentment and lack of acceptance for a fundamental part of them. Your time and energy would be much better spent on cultivating radical acceptance of what is rather than wasting it on comparing your life to others and wishing for your child to be somebody else.

I can guarantee my DC don't. They know I fight for them, advocate for them, and that I'm very proud of them. The conversations like the ones on this thread are private, they are not aware of them. As posted uptrend, this is about the carers and their feelings, we're allowed to say it's hard because we need to vent that frustration and those worries. If we don't vent it somewhere then it just builds inside us and ends up causing problems - do you know what the burn out rate is for carers?

Yes we have had people complaining that it’s not fair that DS has 1-1. What’s actually not fair is that I had to threaten the LA with court action for them to agree to provide the 1-1 he needed.

I took ours to court too. Of all the EHCPs that are refused by our LA, over 96% of them win at tribunal. They refuse them so they don't have to fund it and I would guess that many of those families don't take it further. The system is so wrong.

@Clocktopus

I took ours to court too. Of all the EHCPs that are refused by our LA, over 96% of them win at tribunal. They refuse them so they don't have to fund it and I would guess that many of those families don't take it further. The system is so wrong.

It is. It is designed to fail children.

They work on parents just accepting what they say rather than fighting it. It’s the same with the DLA when so many are refused and then accepted at mandatory reconsideration.

Our SENCO was amazed at how specific I managed to get DS ehcp, but “all” I did was spend hours researching the law and making it clear to them I knew what he was entitled to and I wouldn’t stop until I got it. But it shouldn’t be like that.

It shouldn’t rely on a parents ability to navigate a set up designed to fail to save some money. I am always careful when saying things like this as I’m worried it comes across as a dig at other parents but it isn’t, it’s a massive level of frustration and anger at the system which is designed to fail them and their children.

I’ve also had a similar experience to some with the ‘support’ groups online. It’s a bit crap to experience judging and tuts from school parents with NT children to then also experience judging and criticisms from parents in an ASD ‘support’ group.

Now I completely understand and support wider acceptance of autism and that the world could change a lot of accommodate autistic individuals, but sometimes it’s like treading on egg shells and you’re not allowed to say anything negative. I once mentioned the study involving vitamin d supplements improving autistic behaviour and said it was a shame that the research had not been developed any further with the promising results which was jumped on. Some will not even tolerate any work or studies that seek to look at causes of autism and find out whether anything could potentially reduce symptoms in the future.

[quote NotPersephone]@EmotionalSupportBear that meme is grossly offensive. Please do not “trot it out” to any SN parents unless you are very sure of your ground.

My autistic DS is a smearer. He hits, punches, kicks, bites and spits on me. His autism has ruined every little bit of my life and yet the relentless guilt that is motherhood means I keep clearing up the shit, literally and metaphorically. He punches people and then laughs.

A child like that is fucking hard to love, much harder than a NT kid, and I fail on many occasions. If that makes me a bigot, fine. Imo it’s better than being a sanctimonious arse like the person who wrote that meme.[/quote]
you are missing the entire point of it, its not about it being HARDER, of course it is, its about us not being some kind of superhumans capable of more love than the average parent.

you can be offended if you like, i find it fucking offensive that anyone wants to put me on a pedestal because they 'dont know how i do it' every day. i do it because he is my child and i don't need someone making me out to be a superhero.

"Your time and energy would be much better spent on cultivating radical acceptance of what is rather than wasting it on comparing your life to others and wishing for your child to be somebody else."

I spend my time fighting for what ds needs. I have got a stage 1 and stage 2 complaint in at the moment regarding 2 services being discrimatory and not following the law regarding provision.

I am also getting pissed off now he is older with services using the excuse " he is making a choice " as a way out of not providing or working on a way of getting him to engage ( with health checks for example). How when his understanding is such that he doesn't understand that sticking your hand in a flame will hurt, is he making a choice.

[quote NotPersephone]@EmotionalSupportBear sorry, but if you need to call someone a bigot and a shit parent to get your point across, it’s probably best to keep your silly little memes private.[/quote]
its used to post at NT parents of NT kids who tell us about the 'welcome to holland or trot out how AMAAAAZING we are for loving our kids', not other parents of disabled kids.

I don't see why anyone would have a go at you over the classic autism thing, i can't stand fello Autists who berate parents of kids with Autism, (yes, i have it myself, also adhd, i also have an adult sibling with autism, and a child with ASD and so many co-morbids its like.. spin the wheel and see which one is affecting him today) we're all in this boat together.

i've had the parents complaining at school, about how it was 'unfair' that i was still allowed into the school to drop off/collect DS when everyone else was banned... i was doing it because the TA couldnt get him off the computer without being attacked.

About how it was 'unfair' that he had a 1 to 1 full time, about me having the girls banned from using his calm room as a PE changing room, that he didn't have to wear a tie, that he got to wear velcro shoes.

I've also had the 'we all care for our kids' trotted out when i asked if there was a carer discount on a local attractions fb page.. i mean sure, but would they like the complex neurological disabilities, and no sleep for the last 14 years to go with the DLA we recieve?

Just this morning i have had to spend a good 30 minutes negotiating him getting dressed today so we can leave the house at some point.

i'd like, just once, to say 'we're going out' and everyone just come with, without having to navigate through a hostage situation.

Really don't think it constitutes "lack of acceptance" of your child to have complex feelings about their disability!

Your not alone x
I love my son dearly but his disability effects every aspect of our lives and it's bloody hard work x

@PumpkinKlNG I completely understand. I've got 2 with autism, 1 being assessed, 1 with learning difficulties and another who I was hoping was nt but now people are starting to suggest he has adhd. He made a friend who has adhd this week and I had to admit they were extremely similar.

I'm really struggling at the moment as I would have liked the chance to parent 1 nt child and I don't think that's unreasonable.

@mutationseagull

Also, I can guarantee that your children can sense your resentment and lack of acceptance for a fundamental part of them. Your time and energy would be much better spent on cultivating radical acceptance of what is rather than wasting it on comparing your life to others and wishing for your child to be somebody else.

I can gurantee my child is completely oblivious to the fact he is severley autistic and he can only communicate on a very basic level, i adore him im not in the slightest bit resentful of how disabled he is but it does make life hard sometimes and very challenging for us as a family, and we should be able to express that, you have zero understanding of what what life is like for me and my family, and you dont speak for us.

@mutationseagull

Also, I can guarantee that your children can sense your resentment and lack of acceptance for a fundamental part of them. Your time and energy would be much better spent on cultivating radical acceptance of what is rather than wasting it on comparing your life to others and wishing for your child to be somebody else.

Nope I don't think she does. Especially not since I'm awaiting an ASD assessment myself and I have other ND and MH conditions I'm very open about with the kids.

We focus on what we can do to make the world easier for us (they're YouTube mad so we "life hack" our way through the world) and understanding how we think through things... and she knows I think she's an utter superhero that she fights harder to do stuff and do them with a smile on her face.