To feel jealous of people with neurotypical children?

[littlesm]

I'm not usually a bitter or jealous person but as my children are growing up I look at families with just neurotypical children (families I know well not just assuming) and can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Is it just me?

@lovesthosebeeps I am so so sorry for your loss

I think that's very normal OP. You're allowed to be sad for what your child can't/doesn't do while still loving and appreciating what they can and who they are.

I have what you would call very high functioning ASD (I have an Oxbridge degree) and I still often wish I didn't have it and feel jealous of people who can go into a busy crowd and not get so overwhelmed they cry.

Yadnbu- i think your feelings are very normal. My DD who has high functioning autism controls nearly aspect of our lives and I hate seeing as she gets older that the gap between her and her peers widens.
I wish I could have an undisturbed nights sleep.
I hear you

I will say though that saying you think high functioning autistic adults probably self-diagnosed off a questionnaire is also incredibly dismissive. I did not self-diagnose off a questionnaire (although the diagnostic process does include them) and while I am objectively very intelligent and at the high functioning end of the spectrum, I spent large portions of my childhood crying every day because I didn't "get" people and didn't know how to talk to them properly, being berated by the teacher for taking instructions too literally, being asked out/made friends with for a "laugh" because I couldn't tell when they were being insincere, I could go on and on and on...
Several of my family members are autistic at the Asperger's (and I prefer that label but it's not considered woke to say that any more) end of the spectrum and while on a functional level we obviously do not have much in common with autistic people who can't talk, are incontinent and will never live independently, we aren't just making it up because it's trendy. I've had huge issues finding employment because of it despite my education (no matter how many workplaces pretend to be inclusive, they often don't really want someone who's slightly stilted or can't cope with too much sensory input at once). And yes, I am immensely privileged in that I can talk and read and write and won't need my parents as carers well into middle age. But even the "quirky little Sheldon who is going to change the world" also probably wishes he could just be normal. And this is why a lot of high-functioning autistic adults online are so dogmatic, because you do get people who assume that anyone with Asperger's-as-was just self-diagnosed for attention.
Sorry for the rant but there you are. My mother also wishes I hadn't been autistic (so do I half the time), so these sentiments aren't limited to one end of the spectrum even if objectively she had it lucky.

..I promise there were paragraphs in that last post but they've been eaten.

Of course you are not BU.

Really nothing new to add, just another voice to say YADNBU. I adore DS with all my heart but I still envy those with NT children. Yes, I know life isn't a bed of roses for anyone, but still I find myself thinking this, even as we negotiate post-16 ed.

Oh and the author of Holland? They can fuck off to the other side of fuck, and then fuck off some more.

@notpersephone I think some of the reluctance to call it Asperger's is because Asperger himself wasn't a particularly nice person (although I don't really understand that because otherwise we'd have to rename all sorts). But you're right the online high functioning autistic community is v v dogmatic about it and very into policing language to the extent I find it very alienating. Some of it is probably the simple fact that if you have severe autism and can't talk or read or write you are not going to be able to participate in these discussions, so they skew massively towards the mild end of the spectrum.

Anyway I wasn't trying to talk over the rest of the discussion because it is a perfectly normal thing to feel jealous over.

Such an interesting thread. There's not a day that goes by when I don't wish I could remover the autism with pathological demand avoidance from my child. She misses out on so much she wishes to do crippled by anxiety and rage and confusion.

I struggle to find support - online groups for PDA I've tried to join are intolerant of any view that it's hard or that sometimes the needs of other family members have to come first.

And don't get me started on "just home educate" when I moan about how tough school is. Right, I'll give up my high paid job and sell the house which will crush the family just because the bastard Local authority are shit.

I am jealous of parents with NT children especially because of the bastard LA.

[quote NotPersephone]**@pucelleauxblanchesmains it wasn’t me who made the comment about self-diagnosis, but your post also illustrates really well why it’s utterly specious that we have to pretend that one bit of the spectrum is much the same as another (no matter how trendy that way of thinking might be).

I have quite bad myopia. It’s a pain but it hasn’t massively impacted my life. I don’t profess to understand how it feels to be blind, or even partially sighted. I often wish I wasn’t myopic, but there it is. Pointing out that life is way more fucking difficult for a blind/partially sighted person (or that caring for them is more challenging) does not make me a bigot or someone who doesn’t deserve to be a parent, as that nasty little meme posted upthread implied.

All autistic people face challenges, yes. But not all autism is equal and the challenge is different/greater for some. And yet the language used to convey that difference is verboten in the eyes of many in the autistic community. It honestly puzzles me.[/quote]
Problem I keep having with this view is that a lot of people who say this (and I'm not saying you are), will insist on constantly comparing people who are high-functioning with those who are low-functioning, and then say they have it harder. I am fully aware that I have it easier than your more profoundly disabled child. I'm not trying to compare myself with them, but with people who are NT. And there is a wealth of difference between their ability to function and mine. This often seems to get lost in these arguments between parents of autistic children and adults who are high-functioning, though I despise some of the language being used by them also.

I agree with @pucelleauxblanchesmains, suggesting that autistic adults who can talk/write are all self-diagnosed attention seekers is incredibly offensive. I have a degree and a good job, great. I also wee myself and struggle with eating and bathing, not so great. My life isn't completely ruined by my autism, but it's negatively impacted my life profoundly and I doubt I'll ever be fully independent. It's devastating to read that there are people within supposedly my own community who think I'm making up my disability for attention. I wish that was the case.

@NotPersephone discovering complaints from other parents was a new low for me.

A group of them complained to the teacher that my PDA daughter not having to do homework was impacting THEIR children - because their kiddos thought it was unfair and were refusing to work at home. I stay well away from all other school parents now.

I'm not jealous but I do feel a certain amount of resentment/bitterness/annoyance when my friends kids sail through life in comparison (I know they have their own problems). My kids both struggle so much socially and it can be heartbreaking and hard not to blame myself.

YANBU, I would love to remove the autism from my son, I'd do it in a heart beat. My son is beautiful, the autism is horrid. The LA, the paperwork, the reports, the appointments (we're lucky in that he gets ot and slt), the doing everything a certain way, the not doing things oh and sleep, what I'd give for a full night. On top of that the what ifs, it's relentless.

@NotPersephone independent mainstream too! The horror that a ND child is in their class. Not what was paid for!

I am sad for the struggles we as a family face daily and I would make her life easier if I could and help her understand this crazy world.

YA very much NBU

@willthatbeall I have a very similar experience with my PDA daughter. Solidarity.

If I could magic away the paralising anxiety and demand avoidance that overwhelms her and consumes our family, I would in a heartbeat. Friends who tell me I should celebrate her fabulous diverse brain frankly have no fucking clue.

YANBU from an adult autistic - diagnosed by a professional after a long battle, by the way. Not in the least.

I can't say I've ever wished my own autism away - but that's purely because I don't know any different. I'm aware that I am very lucky in some ways. I am married to another autistic adult and I don't need to live with my parents (who have already suffered enough and I have no wish to inflict any more on them). I am imaginative, creative, musical and have a good memory. That's the good bit.

The bad part is that I will most likely never work or earn a wage, despite having a BA and an MA. I am frightened to leave my home without my DH. In the past, I have been raped because I didn't understand the man's intentions. I am the kind of person who you would cross the street with your children to avoid - I'm perfectly used to this, by the way. I do have a few friends, but no one close, apart from my DH. I really feel as though I am second best to them. When they ignore my messages or I get left out, it absolutely stings. The previous poster who coined the term "superannuated child" had it spot on. I feel like a dependent child in an adult's body - and I hate myself for it. DH and I are also capable of the occasional destructive meltdowns and could lose our home. And yes, I fret about the future. What will happen when I develop dementia on top of my autism. What will happen when my DH dies. What would happen if he left me because I'm so dependent and needy.

Your experiences and expertise are exactly what we need in the autism community. Not the "wokification" of it. I really despise the way the "woke" crowd have made the autism community their own. Also, putting all autistic people under the same label actually does us a disservice. If we are simply called "autistic" rather than various classifications of it, how can we ever access and receive the very specific support that we need?? The new labels are just a way for those who play lip service to diversity to pat themselves on the back for using the "correct" term. It doesn't help a real autistic person in the slightest!

I take my hat off to you all. You have put into words what I have typed out and deleted many times. You have said what I would never have dared. I hope it doesn't come across as me trying to say that I am having a harder time than anyone else on this thread. I don't think that way for one minute. And I don't think any of you are disablist or unreasonable either. Some of the heart rending experiences here have made me weep. Please share them. Don't be silenced. Your words, your experiences are valid, whatever the zeitgeist crowd tells you.

I'm so sorry for everything. I wish I could make it right for you all. ❤

Yes, especially with DD aged 12. I see lots of school peers around enjoying the summer while she is colouring or reading inside hasn't never walked the local shop alone it is 150 metres.
DS has lots of issues though he is extremly social and highly intelligent aged 6 super annoying to other DC the differences will raise their head soon, he tries to control and dictates constantly.