To feel jealous of people with neurotypical children?

[littlesm]

I'm not usually a bitter or jealous person but as my children are growing up I look at families with just neurotypical children (families I know well not just assuming) and can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Is it just me?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Anyone that tells you that you are, is being ridiculous!!

Nothing is more important than your children. You want them to grow up and be able to make decisions for themselves and live independent lives, get a job, get married and have children etc and if for example they are severely disabled then they won’t necessarily be able to. It’s the parent that will have to oversee everything.

Obviously the severity of the disability/special needs etc plays a huge role in how their life will pan out but anyone that thinks YABU - they are Very Unreasonable!

To add- worrying how they will cope if the parent dies and who would help look after them can be another huge worry for parents!

Not just you. I wouldn’t have had children if I knew what I was getting into. It’s so hard.

It's not you. It's normal. I have three nero typical and one autisic child. I adore all of my children but every day part of me wishes away the autism. I know being autistic is part of who my daughter is and it makes her who she is which is fabulous but most days it does cause us an upset, an issue, a worry or a problem or I just constantly fret about her future so I find myself wishing she was like her sisters especially her twin, they're 5. We take each day as it comes but you're definitely not alone, we're just so grateful for all the help and support we have and the fact that more awareness about children on the spectrum is being discussed nowadays. Sending love to you from one spectrum Ma to another, thank you for this post as often feel like I'm the only one who feels like this and as you have no nero typical children it must be incredibly hard every day, I hope things will be ok for you x

“ It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy, but after you’ve been there a little while and you have a chance to catch your breath, you begin to discover that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland has Rembrandts.”

It really is an annoying metaphor
And maybe it’s beside the point but I have been to Holland for a holiday and it is every bit as interesting, sophisticated, cool and fun as Italy.
A lazy stereotype used to lazily stereotype.

YADNBU
Both of my children are ND (and if we took the time to get dxed so are me and my DH)
Both my children are amazing and. as they get older, it has got easier but there have been times when I've just wanted one morning to go easier, one mealtime to be simple etc.
I grew up with a non NT father and my ILs are also ND. Our lives are so fucking complicated it exhausts me at times.

(Oh and Holland can fuck off as can my Mum's favourite - God only gives us what we can handle)

It is normal to feel this way from time to time. The grass is always greener, isn’t it? Also the comments from other people can be grating, however well-meant: “I don’t know how you do it,” “you are so brave,” “I couldn’t have coped,” “ “they” are brilliant at maths and music.”
These feelings come in waves, too, often when friends’ children are achieving milestones and while of course you are happy for them it doesn’t stop you from thinking about what might have been. My son is thirty now and lives independently. He does voluntary work but in many ways is like a superannuated child. He went to a lovely special school and I always remember feeling this way when the GCSE results came out when he was sixteen (he had Certificates of Achievement instead). All my friends and their children were celebrating and moving onto the next stage. I was very pleased for them, naturally, but it brought home once again how different things were for us.

My sympathies to everyone who is struggling. I can only imagine what life is like for you.

I worry about my sons future, he has already suffered discrimination from the mainstream sector of education and we have had to fight for him to get the support and help he needs. I worry about how the world treats him. He is a lovely, empathetic, sweet boy who I couldent love more. However he struggles, his speech is limited to letters, colours, shapes, numbers and some animals and that is when he feels comfortable, he needs constant sensory input and struggles with how loud the world is and despite family members thinking I'm helicopter parenting holding his hand when out he has no idea of danger and needs someone to keep him safe so he doesn't run into the road or out the front door. Since he has moved to specialist unit we are happier as the other parents get it and he is no longer singled out as the difficult child with adults who want to work with children with special needs and actually working to do their best for him rather than treating my son like he has made the choice to struggle. I panic about future when I and my husband are to old and ill to look after him. My parents said oh but his sister can, but I also don't want that for my daughter. It is not her responsibility. It can also be lonely and isolating as a family. I wouldn't change him, I just wish we lived in a more accepting world with others showing at least some empathy

yanbu, and i also hate the holland poem, twee, trite, shite that it is.

this is one of my favourite memes i like to trot out occasionally.

@Violinist64

It is normal to feel this way from time to time. The grass is always greener, isn’t it? Also the comments from other people can be grating, however well-meant: “I don’t know how you do it,” “you are so brave,” “I couldn’t have coped,” “ “they” are brilliant at maths and music.” These feelings come in waves, too, often when friends’ children are achieving milestones and while of course you are happy for them it doesn’t stop you from thinking about what might have been. My son is thirty now and lives independently. He does voluntary work but in many ways is like a superannuated child. He went to a lovely special school and I always remember feeling this way when the GCSE results came out when he was sixteen (he had Certificates of Achievement instead). All my friends and their children were celebrating and moving onto the next stage. I was very pleased for them, naturally, but it brought home once again how different things were for us.

Well yes the grass is always greener! Especially when the other person actually has grass and you have confetti

@Thenose

YABU. In matters over which one has some control, envy can be helpful. For example, the envy of another's erudition might increase one's educational motivation. However, in matters outside of one's control, envy is absurd.

I'm sure that if you replaced your statement with one commonly applicable to non-disabled kids, you'd get significant push-back here. However, in this instance, you'll find support for your ableist perspective, since most posters share it.

I'm neurodiverse and I fucking gays it. I'd love to Wake up tomorrow and not feel overwhelmed or angry or sad. It's highly likely my eldest DC will have similar issues. Of course I'd love to wave a magic wand and he become NT. Why would I not want to save him from the shit I've been through?

i also loathe 'i dont know how you do it' from people.. well.. i don't know any different, my oldest is disabled, this is my normal.

But i DO love what someone said upthread about not changing him, but changing the world FOR him.. i'd get behind that any day.

I think we all feel it from time to time though.. usually when we're somewhere there are other kids playing happily, and we're having to hover, constantly watch, constantly supervise, constantly be prepared to redirect an impending meltdown, or head off trouble.. constantly having to be thinking ahead for those dangers and triggers... diving in when we see they're about to go off.. having to leg it when they suddenly do a runner, and get glared at for having to temporarily 'abandon' the NT child who can be trusted to stay put.

i always feel bad for saying i look forward to the weekends they spend with my ExH, because i can sleep, and rest, and go out without having to plan a military operation.. and i don't need hostage negotiation skills just to leave the house.

My friend’s son is autistic- it seems very hard work even though she is so lucky with family support - her mum is fantastic- but it’s still tough

Yanbu. on way home from day out with my teen who had numerous freak out episodes caused mainly by his neurotypical cousin being loud, poking him, touching him. Little things that are huge to him and cause meltdowns. So my nephew gets in trouble for just being his hyper young self and my teens freaking out. This is why we don't go out.

One of the best Memes i saw, about parenting a child with autism and complex needs went along the lines of, Loving you is easy, keeping your clothes on now thats a challenge, made me laugh😂

I’ve been in tears all evening having spent the day with family and their NT children. I’m so sad for my ND son and generally how sad our life is. Most days I’m battling suicidal thoughts because I feel completely invisible to my son. He doesn’t need me, he barely acknowledges me, he can’t say ‘mum’. He comes to me to fulfil his needs but no more than he goes to his grandparents or whoever’s caring for him at that moment, I’m nothing special to him. I’m not sure how this will get easier. I cope better when I avoid people and seeing/hearing about NT children, but it’s impossible to avoid this every day. We’re just existing really.

I feel sadness a lot - my DD has severe disabilities and it's been a long long road so far. I try to tell myself as long as she's happy it's ok but it does sting to see other kids her age chatting and walking and eating - non of which my lovely DD can do.

YANBU my beautiful son is "high functioning" ASD and I get those pangs very often because I would love life to be easier for him 💔
Sending hugs to all of the SN mums on here 🌼

@MashaPotato

I’ve been in tears all evening having spent the day with family and their NT children. I’m so sad for my ND son and generally how sad our life is. Most days I’m battling suicidal thoughts because I feel completely invisible to my son. He doesn’t need me, he barely acknowledges me, he can’t say ‘mum’. He comes to me to fulfil his needs but no more than he goes to his grandparents or whoever’s caring for him at that moment, I’m nothing special to him. I’m not sure how this will get easier. I cope better when I avoid people and seeing/hearing about NT children, but it’s impossible to avoid this every day. We’re just existing really.

I know this is, probably going to sound twee and i really dont mean it to be But the best bit of advice i was given was find your people My son has severe autism and learning disabilities is non verbal etc I m lucky in my town we have several charities that work with families and children with disabilities After several years i have met some of my closest friends all our children have autism and are on different parts of the spectrum But all our children are fairly complex and we have all had to fight for services to different degress What im saying is its great to be freinds with people who get it.

Thank you @x2boys I think that’s exactly what I’m missing. I don’t know anyone in the same position as me unfortunately but I hope to once my son starts preschool. You have all helped me immensely just reading your posts on here, we are not alone

Do you know what I found so crushing?

At the beginning of the year I was pregnant with DS's sister. He has severe autism and doesn't understand very much, but he likes to poke and pat my tummy because it was round and hard.

She was born and then died. When I came home to him, he tried to do it, couldn't and shrugged, then went back to what he was doing, stacking baby blocks and knocking them again.

No wondering where a baby was, as in that moment the fantasy was gone. He never knew she was there, he just liked my tummy. But the connection, even for a split second, I thought we had was so lovely for me

Then it was gone, just like her.

I truly hate autism sometimes. Some people appear very gifted with it but it has left my son severely disabled

@MashaPotato

Thank you *@x2boys* I think that’s exactly what I’m missing. I don’t know anyone in the same position as me unfortunately but I hope to once my son starts preschool. You have all helped me immensely just reading your posts on here, we are not alone

You will do i remember how lonely it was Im not saying that you will find them immediately But ten years on im so great full for my friends that get it