To think that women are being encouraged to expect too much from birth?

[Parsley1789]

Something I’ve thought about for a while. On Mumsnet today came across three threads in which the poster clearly feels very upset and disappointed with their birth experience and feels that they have failed. One poster refers to how her friends had ‘textbook births’ - the underlying belief clearly being that there is a ‘right’ way to give birth and that she didn’t ‘achieve’ it.
I am not blaming these women at all, I feel very sad for them. Early motherhood is hard enough without feeling that on top of that you are a failure for not having a water hypnobirth. I asked my mum about this the other day, she had two c-sections in the ‘80s, and she said that it never occurred to her to feel remotely guilty about it.

I’m not saying we should go back to women having no say or power over how they give birth, but I feel that Instagram/NCT/hypnobirthing etc all paint this idea that birth can be this wonderful empowering event when for a lot of people it’s just bloody painful and hard work and thank goodness for medical advancements.

For context, I did not have an easy birth with my first and found breastfeeding a struggle. I have so many friends who have felt like failures after birth, and it saddens me to see it on MN too. AIBU?

@Parsley1789

Something I’ve thought about for a while. On Mumsnet today came across three threads in which the poster clearly feels very upset and disappointed with their birth experience and feels that they have failed. One poster refers to how her friends had ‘textbook births’ - the underlying belief clearly being that there is a ‘right’ way to give birth and that she didn’t ‘achieve’ it. I am not blaming these women at all, I feel very sad for them. Early motherhood is hard enough without feeling that on top of that you are a failure for not having a water hypnobirth. I asked my mum about this the other day, she had two c-sections in the ‘80s, and she said that it never occurred to her to feel remotely guilty about it.

I’m not saying we should go back to women having no say or power over how they give birth, but I feel that Instagram/NCT/hypnobirthing etc all paint this idea that birth can be this wonderful empowering event when for a lot of people it’s just bloody painful and hard work and thank goodness for medical advancements.

For context, I did not have an easy birth with my first and found breastfeeding a struggle. I have so many friends who have felt like failures after birth, and it saddens me to see it on MN too. AIBU?

Education is the key. You are mych more likely to have a positive birth exoerience if you inform yourself and practise hypnobirthing.

I’ve never understood it. For me, birth is about safely delivering a baby, not about what the mother wants. I don’t agree with home births and all the other stuff where the baby’s safety isn’t top priority. I think it’s selfish.

I think some of it is related to the failings of the NHS (overworked / under staffed etc). There just isn’t the time and one to one care that women need to feel listened to and cared for during their birth.

I now call hypnobirthing HYPNOCRAP! Money making shit or an idea to further someone's career gone waaaaaay overboard!... Like tummy time

I had 3 emergency sections with my lot. All 3 were breech so even if I didn’t have the emergency, I would have had planned ones. I didn’t think too much beyond hoping for no injuries to my kids and myself. My sole aim at all 3 had been for us one to come out in one piece and healthy. They were all in traumatic circumstances and they were all fine. I don’t even think about them. I don’t even think of breastfeeding. I breastfed, I bottle fed, I fed them all. They are beautiful lovely kids and growing up nicely and that’s all I care about.

I had good results from hypnobirthing, and use it every time I have to have any uncomfortable procedure so definitely money well spent in my case!

@Dustyboots

As someone whose mother had a planned C Section and was deprived of oxygen at birth, it can happen to any mother, any child, any type of birth

Please don't punish yourself, you were not and never have been to blame

@Dustyboots I agree with a pp, please please don’t blame yourself. I’m so sorry to hear your story. I hope you and your son are doing well.
@lavenderandwisteria I’m not blaming mothers at all! If you read my post you would have seen that. I think that, as pp have said, just better antenatal education and postnatal care are needed, not these independent companies selling a ‘birth experience’.

@vanityfairsbackpage fairly unpleasant comment there.

@dustyboots Feel free to ignore if you mind me asking but, if not, what makes you think your choice and your DC's lack of oxygen was due to your birth choice?

@SheABitSpicyToday

I’ve never understood it. For me, birth is about safely delivering a baby, not about what the mother wants. I don’t agree with home births and all the other stuff where the baby’s safety isn’t top priority. I think it’s selfish.

That's probably one of the most ridiculous things I have read on here and that's saying something. Maternity services can deliver both safe and compassionate care that allows informed decisions by birthing women. They are not mutually exclusive. You sound like someone from The Handmaid's Tale. You also obviously don't know anything about home birth safety stats compared to hospital safety stats.

I didn’t say that you did claim that women were to ‘blame’, @Parsley1789, but I think that some things can be very important to you without external pressure.

@CoalCraft

This is why I refused to have a birth plan beyond "would prefer vaginal over CS, all else being equal".

Can't be disappointed by plans going awry if there's no strict plan.

Totally agree with this and I was the same. I was on the "no plan birth plan". I said I'd decide during labour if I wanted any drugs and if I ended up having a c section then so be it. As it happened I had a planned c section due to dd being breached. I never felt any guilt because it was part of the "no plan birth plan" and it was the safest way to bring her into the world, which so be the ideal end goal for anyone having a baby.

@vanityfairsbackpage what a shitty unnecessary comment to make!

@CoalCraft

I was the same. The page was blank in my book. The midwife asked me a few times to fill it out and all I could say was “I’ll see what happens when it happens”

What happened was I had a 45 hour Labour, every single drug going and then an emergency c section.

That’s how my baby was born and I’m pretty proud of it

It's women putting pressure on themselves because there was a hard core of midwives who pushed natural birth in an evangelical way..
The idea that with enough candles and massages you can birth a baby even if the head is too large got your birth canal.

So yes, when the midwife, nct etc are all pushing this nonsense.... Badly informed women will thinking they have failed.

I've had 2 x 48 hour induced + very painful labours eventually resulting in 2 x C-sections.

Recently when out for drinks with someone I hadn't seen for 20 years and she felt the need to 'aww so you couldn't manage it' and 'I did the whole thing at home, no drugs'.

I've only ever had this from other women.

Another friend - 'oh when you have a VAGINAL birth it's all dignity out the window, you wouldn't know but you you have to flash your bits to anyone that walks in the room'

How on earth she thought they were assessing me for failure to progress I don't know. Crystal ball?

And yes.. When birth is presented in this way, ie doable no matter what and goes wrong because you.. Didn't do something.. Then yes it follow through that some women will feel better.

I agree OP, a Birth Plan needs to be considered as " preferences if circumstances allowing" but secondary to safety of mum and baby. I have also seen people going into total decline when things didn't go to plan.

I think it's wonderful to have any choice at all - even if things don't always go according to plan.
I'm not that old, but it was shave, enema, episiotomy without anaesthetic, on your back, feet in stirrups - no choice at all.
The very worst thing was being told in ante-natal classes that "we don't talk about labour pains, they are contractions". Totally unprepared for the agony of childbirth.

I think there is room to present c-section and inductions in a more neutral light when comparing them to a low-intervention birth.

That said I personally felt like I had to stop the medical personnel involved in my birth so many times and basically say, "Hang on, what? Wait and explain in plain English please."

Recently had a baby.

100% of our nct group had a traumatic delivery. Not a single textbook birth.

Wish we had been more prepared.

I'm waiting for a debrief to find out why I nearly died.

TBH for a long time there have been people who like to imply that if you don’t have a nice easy birth, it’s somehow your own fault.

Even when I had my first in the 1970s, there were childbirth ‘gurus’ who liked to tell you that proper preparation, breathing and so forth, would ensure a relatively easy birth. I remember reading that how much pain you felt, would depend entirely on your preparation, and your attitude towards labour. To use a lovely old word, Balderdash!

Of course, one of those ‘gurus’ had herself experienced very easy births, even with her first (as some lucky people do through no merit of their own) so she evidently put that down to her own ‘correct’ attitude.
Which is of course complete bollocks.

Would just add that despite all the preparation, I ended up with an epidural and a forceps delivery with my first, but in those days I didn’t feel I’d ‘failed’ at all - I was just so thankful that expert help had been available - and of course that I had a beautiful healthy baby at the end of it.

It seems to me from this thread alone it's women putting pressure on and/or shaming others (e.g. blaming a child's disability on a birth choice, calling a choice to birth naturally 'nonsense' etc.

Lots of people have strong opinions on people's choices that differ from their own, even if it doesn't personally affect them 🤷‍♀️