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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for your real advice about deciding to have a third child

417 replies

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/08/2021 13:50

We're at the point of deciding whether to ttc or not. I have a soon to be 4yo and an 18mo, same sex, in a three bed house with no desire to move house. Not rich (at all) but wouldn't consider us to be poor either. Both in stable jobs or as much as we know, but I did have health problems at the end of second pregnancy which meant I was off sick for the final few months (makes me nervous it was frowned upon), I needed c sections with both pregnancies. I'd love another baby but need to be sensible which is really tough! Had an early mc with unplanned preg back in Feb Sad

Can you share your experiences please. Good and bad?

OP posts:
Caritas · 11/08/2021 10:24

Definitely have 3 if you want to, children can easily share rooms (I am one of 4 and we lived happily in a three bed house until we all left home)! God willing I would love to have 5+, birth rates in many countries (including the UK) are in significant decline, hence I admire Hungary’s approach.

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 11/08/2021 10:29

@workwise work isn't an issue. And I don't object to my children sharing a room, I did, I was the youngest of four.

OP posts:
Binkybix · 11/08/2021 10:29

Me and DH are in the middle of this conversation too.

Money wouldn’t be an issue, but what has swung it for me is this advice:

Only do it if you absolutely can't not do it

I think if I take the environmental impacts, the reduced amount of ‘is’ we could give, plus the chance of twins/health issues for a third, my mind has been made to stay at 2.

Binkybix · 11/08/2021 10:30

‘Us’*

diddlediddle · 11/08/2021 10:42

Having three doesn't make sense on any level - financial, health, environmental - except emotional/biological drive. Depends which you're going to listen to, I suspect most people ignore logic and go with what they want

Lavender24 · 11/08/2021 10:46

Honestly OP I wouldn't do it if the kids would have to share. Probably not a popular opinion but my bedroom was my sanctuary growing up and I think I'd have lost my mind if I'd had to share, especially as a teen.

Mreggsworth · 11/08/2021 10:48

There is definitely not a need for increased birth rates please dont factor this into your decision making, countries will be back tracking on this message in the near future.

The risk of a decreasing population is that there wont be enough people to care for an aging population, however that worry pales in comparison to the risk that certain parts of the world may become uninhabitable in the next 50-100 years (including London) if climate change/population isn't tackled.

If you want to have multiple children as that's best for you and your family thats ok, but there isn't any justification that it's being done for the sake of society.

BastardMonkfish · 11/08/2021 10:55

I have two children, I'd love 3 or 4 but don't really want the work or expense tbh. Plus you can never guarantee a child won't have a health condition or disability and you need to consider if you are prepared for that and how that would impact on your existing children.

CounsellorTroi · 11/08/2021 11:15

Well, apparently Jools Oliver wants another one even though she’s 46 and already has 5. I’m sorry for her miscarriages but still......why can’t she be happy with what she has.

cookofcastamar · 11/08/2021 11:29

I find people with three close in age tend to be exhausted and it can be expensive childcare. My three are 8, 6 (two days ago) and 11 weeks. I have no childcare expenses for the older two as they'll be finished at 2:30, club until 3:30. DH works from home and will collect at 3:30 and help with homework. Only full time childcare for baby and we're considering doing 4 day weeks each. DH will take parental leave if around 16 weeks when I go back to work.
We have to plan ahead as we have no help with childcare. I'm an only child and I knew I'd regret not having a third.
My first was my toughest, apart from the usual ftm he had eczema, reflux, allergies and tongue tie. I thought long and hard about the second child but went ahead and second did not have any of the above. I should add that we already have a 4bed house, didn't need to change cars but might in the next year or two. Best of luck with your decision.

Monday26July · 11/08/2021 11:29

@CounsellorTroi

Well, apparently Jools Oliver wants another one even though she’s 46 and already has 5. I’m sorry for her miscarriages but still......why can’t she be happy with what she has.
It’s easy to keep having more and more kids when you have millions to pay for night nannies.
SummerSaladsAreBack · 11/08/2021 11:32

My DC3 was (is) a joy - now an adult. But one thing I had not bargained for was never being able to sit together as a family when travelling especially on aeroplanes. You are always a 3 and a 2.

Ralph871 · 11/08/2021 11:57

@threerugrats

I'm one of 3. I have 3 children. Some of the replies have made me laugh, in a nice way.

Some of the issues some people fret about really don't need to be a problem (and reflect very middle class privilege/attitudes).

Things I considered as key were: childcare costs, more years doing the school run, car size (as both DH and I drive and we run a car). The first of those was the biggest consideration. The car size ended up being the least as we decided we'd want a 7 seater anyway for the primary school years for our first two children.

Numbers of bedrooms? I shared a bedroom growing up and loved it. Loads of my peers shared bedrooms with a sibling too. My children have a bedroom each yet sleep in one room together most of the time. The rest of the time two are in together and the youngest is in with me and DH! We joke we'd have been better off with just one giant bedroom. Yes, this will change as my children reach their teens but still.

Costs such as university, driving lessons, etc? Well, if I had just one child and was loaded I wouldn't be paying for all their driving lessons anyway! Do teens not get part time jobs any more? I live in a city with good transport systems. University- it's not a given all my children will want to go to university or have the ability. Plenty of students work part time or in the holidays. Who knows what the costs might be when my children are 18 and who knows whether I'd be in a financial position to even send one.

Food - I spend about half of what another poster spends! I foresee this being a huge expense in the teen years, but childcare costs will have gone.

Clothes, shoes, etc. I save and budget and my kids don't get hugely expensive stuff. Shoes at the biggest expense. Clothes - In my circle of friends clothes are passed on and, of course, clothes get passed down between siblings, lots of reuse. Teens will want more new stuff, I'm sure but if they each have slightly fewer items in their wardrobes than if I had two, then so be it! As long as they have enough.

Activities - yes, ferrying three school age kids around is a logistical nightmare at times. But I consider that we're lucky to be in a position to afford after school activities, etc. Each child doing slightly fewer activities than they would if I just had two children is an incredibly privileged position to be in really, isn't it? And they do the same as they would if I had two. My DH AND I spend less on ourselves and we lift share with other parents to ensure that happens.

Holidays? We tend to go for self catering, camping, etc type holidays anyway. Places are getting more flexible on family tickets but also it's not like days out for a family of four are cheap and then that fifth child's ticket is hugely expensive, is it? So we budget for the fact it will cost us, for example, £35 instead of £30 - more packed lunches for example.

If I had been worried whether I could genuinely afford to house, feed and clothe three children then I would have stopped at two. But that was never a concern, it's been more about how we budget and how much money I'm prepared to spend on a teen and young adult. And, for me, I won't consider my children to have suffered in any way or that I've failed to provide, if I don't pay for every single driving lesson they have or they have to find paid work during their time at university. I'll still consider that my children will have had a pretty privileged lifestyle, much more so than mine was!

And the joy my youngest brings to us all means more than money and means I could never think of saying to another parent "don't have a third".

What I would say is consider how much you can juggle, how much can you add to your mental and emotional load of the logistics, and practical care of being a parent of three, how much attention can you give them all, and how would you cope if they don't get on? That all matters far more than anything else.

This comment is fabulous. I am a big believer that if you want more children then you will find a way to afford it.
cookofcastamar · 11/08/2021 11:59

@SummerSaladsAreBack unless you're a family of 3 you can never sit together in an airplane.

PattyPan · 11/08/2021 12:14

@cookofcastamar you can if you are a family of 4 in the middle block on a jumbo jet

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 11/08/2021 12:30

But @Ralph871, how can you believe that anyone and everyone could just "find a way to afford it"? That's such an irresponsible stance on something as massive as deciding on another child. Finances can and do force major decisions for families all the time, and while it's a shame, that's responsible parenting.

hibbledibble · 11/08/2021 12:32

I love my third, but life is very expensive. The UK is designed in general for 1 or 2 children families, and everything with more is very expensive, including days out, holidays, and harder to do. Childcare costs are also extortionate. I worry how I will afford to support them through university and as young adults.

GinJeanie · 11/08/2021 12:35

@CounsellorTroi - I've just been reading about Jools Oliver and words literally fail me... 😬 I totally understand the biological urge to have another baby as have been through it after my second baby died in infancy (although the whole thing was complicated by grief/trauma) but she has 5 beautiful children and is nearly 47. Added to this, her children are going to be facing whatever climate change brings - obviously we don't know the true timescale but it will likely affect them and their lives far more than it will her tbh...

YouMeandtheSpew · 11/08/2021 12:39

Not in the same situation as I have one child and am pregnant with my second, so I’m not telling you anything you haven’t already experienced.

I have always thought of three as a perfect number of children. Don’t know why, I didn’t grow up as one of three, just in my fantasy world I think 3 seems like the perfect number.

But the thing that’s really taken me by surprise is this - I’ve been quite ill during this pregnancy (unexpectedly as I had an easy time the first time round). And I can barely look after one toddler when I’m not feeling 100% - honestly the standard of parenting I’ve been giving my toddler while I’ve been pregnant hasn’t been great (a lot more screen time than I’d like for starters). It’s just really brought into focus for me that actually having another child isn’t the same as having one child again.

Also, I grew up poor. Not in poverty - I always had enough to eat and heating etc. But poor. No tv, no garden, clothes were always secondhand or from charity shops. And I’m ok and grateful for what I had but honestly it wasn’t much fun. So I’m very conscious that I don’t ever want my children to experience that. I think if we stick at two they won’t, but at three it’s much more likely.

Tootsey11 · 11/08/2021 12:39

Why do you 'need' 3 children? No one does. You might want them but no one actually needs them.

As to the replies of 'I've got 7, or we' re planning 4 or 5'. Where are peoples heads at with everything going on.

Hardbackwriter · 11/08/2021 12:56

I had acquaintances, in my teens, who had a lot materially. Some had a heck of a lot. But in some cases, they'd have swapped their parents brand new car, their designer clothes, their music lessons, etc for a life with much less "stuff" and parents who engaged with them more.

But surely that's also an argument for stopping at two children in and of itself. If anyone has a third child they have less money and time for each child.

OnTheHillNotOverIt · 11/08/2021 13:18

Tootsey11 nobody needs any children. The completely rational response would be to choose none. They are costly environmentally and financially and emotionally draining.
Better to have none and volunteer in your community with older people or foster or run a Brownie pack. Much better for the planet, your pocket and your community.
Nobody’s genes are so amazing that you have to pass them on.
It’s not a rational decision. It’s an emotional (vs practical) one which is what the OP is struggling with.

For some people the “now or never” moment is tricky to navigate. Especially after loss. It’s hard to close that window and look forwards to what’s ahead with what you’ve got. It can be hard and sad to draw that line. If it wasn’t for you then that’s great.

Harlechh · 11/08/2021 13:29

@OnTheHillNotOverIt so according to you we should aim to let human life die out?! No thanks.

OnTheHillNotOverIt · 11/08/2021 13:32

That’s pretty unlikely!

billy1966 · 11/08/2021 13:33

I think in your circumstances your health and your job are considerations.

In your situation I would think not.

Working FT with 3 children is challenging.

Even more so with an inflexible employer.

I have heard of acquaintances over the years regretting wishing their children's childhood away because of the pressure of a difficult employer that made holidays/illnesses very stressful.

If you have to work FT, it is very hard juggling childcare without huge support, which many don't have.
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