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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PLEASE HAND HOLD AND ADVICE

110 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 00:13

My DH has me worried sick. He works away in the week, so we don't see him usually from Mon am to Fri pm but we talk every day. He's been under a lot of pressure lately and he lost his father about 7 weeks ago. The weren't close, he didn't even know him really until he was a teenager. He's not shown any signs outwardly of grieving. Today, he set off as usual but very upset, our DS1 was too busy on youtube to say goodbye to him properly and it really upset him. More than it should really, so I think there is a lot going on in his head that he's not dealing with. I messaged him a few hours later to say 'hope you got there ok, sorry DC upset you etc'. DS1 actually messaged him too to say sorry. He's read our messages and not replied.

I tried calling him several times tonight, he didn't answer. He just messaged me with 'please leave me alone, it's not your fault' and now he's turned his phone off.

I'm worried sick, I don't know anyone where he is staying. I'm terrified. It's 3 hours away, we have no family where we live, I have the kids. It's a secure base so I can't even get in unless he signs me in. I don't think he'll do anything stupid, but I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Haggisfish3 · 10/08/2021 00:14

If it’s a secure base can you contact security to check on him?

Original poster

ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 00:14

I've tried to add a friend of his on fb who he works with but it's late and I guess he's in bed. I was hoping I could ask him if he's seen him. I don't even know if he's got there safely. Tomorrow morning I can call his work, but until then I am a nervous wreck.

OP posts:

Original poster

ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 00:15

@Haggisfish3

If it’s a secure base can you contact security to check on him?

I could, but if he's ok and really does just want to be left alone to process things then I'll just be making it worse. It would also get flagged immediately to his reporting line and call into question his ability to do his job.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2021 00:17

Try to stay calm. Is it a military base?

Original poster

ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 00:17

@Hankunamatata

Try to stay calm. Is it a military base?

yes

OP posts:

winterwalksandcoffee · 10/08/2021 00:17

He is probably asleep by now, please don't worry. But if your gut feeling is to call the security then call them now. Don't regret a decision of not calling them when it might have huge outcomes

winterwalksandcoffee · 10/08/2021 00:18

Here for you x

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/08/2021 00:19

Honestly, I would risk his job and everything else to find out if he is ok. He can't just ignore you and then say that and switch his phone off.

Call the base. Obviously I hope everything is ok but having recently lost a family member to suicide I would absolutely make that call.

winterwalksandcoffee · 10/08/2021 00:19

I would make that call too xx

Original poster

ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 00:19

@winterwalksandcoffee

He is probably asleep by now, please don't worry. But if your gut feeling is to call the security then call them now. Don't regret a decision of not calling them when it might have huge outcomes

My gut is telling me to leave him in peace and let him work through whatever is going on in his head, and hopefully I can get to talk to him tomorrow. He's always been a really closed book. He doesn't do talking about feelings easily.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2021 00:20

Well you have 2 options.

Option 1. Leave him be for the night - my dh is not like this and needs to process stuff alone.

Option 2 is phone guardroom and tell them that you urgently need to speak to dh bit henisnt answering phone. They will go wake him.

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2021 00:21

Sorry that should be my dh is like this

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2021 00:22

Military dont tend to wear heart on their sleeves. Dh could be worried about being away so much as he own relationship with his dc - brought on by his own fathers death

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 10/08/2021 00:22

If you're really worried please do call them. I'm sure they'd rather check.

Hope he's ok. Grief is incredibly hard and doesn't always present straight away.

lunar1 · 10/08/2021 00:24

I hope you get some reassurance quickly.

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 10/08/2021 00:24

Ah ex military welfare here.

Phone the camp speak to Padre/Welfare officer. Padre/Welfare will approach it in a very sensitive way, he won't get in trouble. They will just play it off as, you didn't let your Mrs know you arrived safely so we just wanted to reassure her.

Original poster

ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 00:25

@Hankunamatata

Well you have 2 options. Option 1. Leave him be for the night - my dh is not like this and needs to process stuff alone.

Option 2 is phone guardroom and tell them that you urgently need to speak to dh bit henisnt answering phone. They will go wake him.

Everything in my heart/head is telling me option 1 is the right thing to do. I'm so worried about him though, not in an immediate risk kind of way, but in the way that he is so sad/angry to shut himself off from me and not even reply to DS1. I can't fathom what is going on in his head to make him be like that.

He used to be terrible for shutting down, if he got angry about something he would never tell me what was wrong and would leave me fretting for days about it, being really cold and distant. I actually nearly ended things over it, and he changed his ways. He's been so much better about discussing things, so this feels like a huge lurch backwards. Having lost his father, I can understand he must be in turmoil, I just feel so helpless.

OP posts:

CoffeeRunner · 10/08/2021 00:25

You know him best. But based on what you've said I don't think calling the base to raise your concerns would be a bad thing.

I'm here to offer a handhold too

winterwalksandcoffee · 10/08/2021 00:27

I think you need to call, to make sure he is ok. You'll blame yourself if he isn't ok and never called x

victoriaspongecake · 10/08/2021 00:28

He’s asked for a bit of time to himself. Give it to him. Stop fussing.

WindyWindsor · 10/08/2021 00:29

Hopefully he just needed a moment to himself OP and it's nothing more serious. I can understand why you're scared. Fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day for him and you.

If you want to call his base then I think first drop him a text to say you love him and that last message has worried you and then explain to the base that you haven't managed to get in contact with him. I don't know how these bases work but I assume they know you're his DW and therefore will be able to confirm to you that he has arrived today?

I'm sorry OP I can only imagine how hard tonight will be for you.

Original poster

ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 00:33

Thanks everyone. I just can't bring myself to make that call, he won't do himself any harm. The more I think on it, I need to do as he's asked and leave him be.

We clearly have some pretty big stuff to address for him, but in his own time.

His father wasn't there for him. I can imagine in some ways he was annoyed that DS1 does have a present and wonderful father and (in DHs eyes) doesn't appreciate how lucky he is.

OP posts:

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 10/08/2021 00:35

Could you call them and tell them there's an emergency with you and you can't get hold of him?

winterwalksandcoffee · 10/08/2021 00:35

Unfortunately everyone thinks people are ok before they commit a serious action. And the people left behind always wish they done more to stop it. Calling will show you care. If I could have made that call to the person I knew I would have a million times over. But no one knew and everyone thought they was fine and strong.

WindyWindsor · 10/08/2021 00:37

You know him best OP. Hopefully you hear from him fairly promptly in the morning once he's had a chance to rest.

Hoping you manage to get some sleep tonight as well

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