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Original poster

PLEASE HAND HOLD AND ADVICE

110 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 00:13

My DH has me worried sick. He works away in the week, so we don't see him usually from Mon am to Fri pm but we talk every day. He's been under a lot of pressure lately and he lost his father about 7 weeks ago. The weren't close, he didn't even know him really until he was a teenager. He's not shown any signs outwardly of grieving. Today, he set off as usual but very upset, our DS1 was too busy on youtube to say goodbye to him properly and it really upset him. More than it should really, so I think there is a lot going on in his head that he's not dealing with. I messaged him a few hours later to say 'hope you got there ok, sorry DC upset you etc'. DS1 actually messaged him too to say sorry. He's read our messages and not replied.

I tried calling him several times tonight, he didn't answer. He just messaged me with 'please leave me alone, it's not your fault' and now he's turned his phone off.

I'm worried sick, I don't know anyone where he is staying. I'm terrified. It's 3 hours away, we have no family where we live, I have the kids. It's a secure base so I can't even get in unless he signs me in. I don't think he'll do anything stupid, but I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Lalliella · 10/08/2021 00:41

I would call him and make up an excuse as to why you need to speak to him urgently.

TwoLeftElbows · 10/08/2021 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LtDansleg · 10/08/2021 00:50

He’s sent a message out of the blue after a trauma that has you worried sick, are you really going to leave it??

R0tational · 10/08/2021 00:53

He has been extremely rude to you and your son for doing that. I would really question staying with him. What an idiot. Grief isnt an excuse to behave so irresponsibly.

The cryptic message is concerning. And it Can read like a suicide message.

What a silly man.

winterwalksandcoffee · 10/08/2021 00:54

Would you be offended if he called for you if roles were reversed? Probably not. Please call

BastardMonkfish · 10/08/2021 00:57

What age is your son? What a fucking drama over him not saying goodbye properly, poor kid!!

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 00:58

@BastardMonkfish

What age is your son? What a fucking drama over him not saying goodbye properly, poor kid!!
He's 12
OP posts:
Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 01:00

@R0tational

He has been extremely rude to you and your son for doing that. I would really question staying with him. What an idiot. Grief isnt an excuse to behave so irresponsibly.

The cryptic message is concerning. And it Can read like a suicide message.

What a silly man.

I'm not thinking like that just now. I am just concerned for him and what he is going through. I want to be there for him, if he'll let me. If he won't, and continues to shut me out then I might think differently in time but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
OP posts:
winterwalksandcoffee · 10/08/2021 01:00

@BastardMonkfish he is grieving. Don't be so rude

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 01:01

@BastardMonkfish

What age is your son? What a fucking drama over him not saying goodbye properly, poor kid!!
I don't think it was actually about that at all. That was just the catalyst for whatever feelings my DH is internalising to come to the surface.
OP posts:
beigebrownblue · 10/08/2021 01:06

Handhold here too.
Good advice on here from mums who know the territory.

Honestly, better to be safe than sorry, even if you end up looking like a complete twit.

Rather that than a person strugglilng at the other end without support.

As someone said, they will probably frame it as missus phoning as he didn't check in. Which is fine. Theyve seen it before.

Big virtual hug sounds difficult.

winterwalksandcoffee · 10/08/2021 01:07

Grief is a horrible thing. When princess Diana passed away it turned a lot of people to grieve, but those emotions were relating to their personal life and situations that hadn't been dealt with in their head properly and not relating to Diana herself. Which is why death can bring on a lot of regret and worry. Be kind to people, you don't know what they are going through and how they cope with things.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2021 01:12

I'm sorry to read that you're in this quandary.
Since your husband has form for shutting down I think that leaving him to it tonight is probably going to be ok but first thing in the morning, if he doesn't respond again, I'd be calling the guard room or whomever has been suggested and asking them to ask him to contact you as you're very concerned that he's ok.

Losing his dad may have brought all sorts to the surface, including regrets for all the lost years, the lost opportunities from not knowing him well, his Dad's lost opportunities to be a good Dad, all that sort of thing. And yes, your DS's seeming lack of care (obviously isn't!) may have made him feel a bit shit too.

But his work DO need to be aware that he's going through this grieving process, if they aren't already, so it would be of benefit to him to make them aware that he's in this headspace.

Fluffmonkey82 · 10/08/2021 01:15

This sounds a bit like my DH, he doesn't discuss his feelings much but if he says to leave him alone I now know to do this. He switches his phone off all the time too, does my head in. Obviously I can't tell you what to do but it sounds like he just needs time to process what has happened recently but if it would put your mind at rest I would maybe try and contact him.

BluebellsGreenbells · 10/08/2021 01:16

Not being close to his dad is irrelevant, he’s still lost a parent and will be freeing for all things his father missed, and will miss, and in someways that makes us reflect on the fact it could’ve been different.

Don’t dismiss his grief as ‘not close’ in someways that makes the bossing harder than normal.

Ophanim · 10/08/2021 01:19

I'm going to go against the grain here and say if you're sure he got there safely then leave him alone. Unless he's an attention-seeking type (and what you've written suggests he's the polar opposite) then I think that ignoring his request will make things worse not better.

Sending a message telling him you love him and are there for him (or whatever you think is best) for him to read when he switches his phone on is fine. Getting someone on his base to wake him up and check on him is not - you're clearly ignoring his wishes (and I got roasted on here for doing just that).

My DH is the kind of person who needs to be left alone to process his thoughts too. I used to "badger" him to take sure he was ok, just to settle my own nerves and all it did was make things worse. When I left him alone to get on with it, things got resolved quicker and easier.

Snugglybuggly · 10/08/2021 01:29

@BastardMonkfish

What age is your son? What a fucking drama over him not saying goodbye properly, poor kid!!
Harsh
Shanghaisprize · 10/08/2021 02:40

I would call him and make up an excuse as to why you need to speak to him urgently

I also think the above is the best idea, you don't have to tell them why you need to speak to him so urgently, so there wouldn't be any comeback on him if he's Ok. Your instincts appear to be telling you there is a cause for concern, ME, instincts are rarely wrong and ignoring them could cost you dearly.

Why do you think he got so uncharacteristically upset about DS not saying goodbye? Has he over-reacted to just this or to other things as well? And do you know what he means when he says this isn't your fault? Does he have any history of mental health issues or depression that preceded his Dad's death?

I hope he will feel better snd the you will hear from him soon, but I would definitely find a way to check on him if I were you.

Shanghaisprize · 10/08/2021 02:49

Don’t dismiss his grief as ‘not close’ in someways that makes the bossing harder than normal

This is very true in my experience, a history of a tricky relationship with a parent can exacerbate and complicate the grieving process, and make any form of closure more difficult. When they are gone so too is the prospect of resolving any issues in the relationship, which can be very hard to reconcile and come to terms with.

sotiredofthislonelylife · 10/08/2021 02:50

@TheSkatesOfCoachBombay

Ah ex military welfare here.

Phone the camp speak to Padre/Welfare officer. Padre/Welfare will approach it in a very sensitive way, he won't get in trouble. They will just play it off as, you didn't let your Mrs know you arrived safely so we just wanted to reassure her.

What a lovely, helpful and supportive post. I hope that has helped the OP, even if it isn’t what she chooses to do.
6demandingchildren · 10/08/2021 07:46

Hopefully after some sleep he will send you a message, I withdraw into myself at times and it's a lonely place, he is lucky to have you as you around very caring and lovely x

Couldhavebeenme2 · 10/08/2021 08:02

Yes, he's grieving. Yes he's pissed off that ds didn't say goodbye.

But he's got op on absolute tenterhooks, scared to death to rock the boat, afraid to call his work to ask them to check on him when he's acting so strangely and potentially vulnerable, thinking it's all her fault.

I once did make that drive op, after a similar exchange, and the same phone turned off shenanigans, dumping the kids with a neighbour, terrified of what I would find. On another thread they would call this emotional abuse, and op would be being told to call him on it.

Call base welfare/padre. If he needs help they can support him while he's away. And then you need a cards-on-the-table talk at the weekend. You can't live like this op.

heldinadream · 10/08/2021 09:28

Have you heard from him OP? Flowers
Hope you got some sleep.

heldinadream · 10/08/2021 09:30

@Shanghaisprize

Don’t dismiss his grief as ‘not close’ in someways that makes the bossing harder than normal

This is very true in my experience, a history of a tricky relationship with a parent can exacerbate and complicate the grieving process, and make any form of closure more difficult. When they are gone so too is the prospect of resolving any issues in the relationship, which can be very hard to reconcile and come to terms with.

Yes this is spot on. The man is definitely grieving and experiencing complex emotions that he can't express and probably feels alone with. Needs to be dealt with carefully and sensitively.
Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 09:32

He rang me this morning. He admits he isn't reacting rationally, but he says he can't (=won't) go to the doc to get signed off.

OP posts: