PLEASE HAND HOLD AND ADVICE

[ScatteredMama82]

My DH has me worried sick. He works away in the week, so we don't see him usually from Mon am to Fri pm but we talk every day. He's been under a lot of pressure lately and he lost his father about 7 weeks ago. The weren't close, he didn't even know him really until he was a teenager. He's not shown any signs outwardly of grieving. Today, he set off as usual but very upset, our DS1 was too busy on youtube to say goodbye to him properly and it really upset him. More than it should really, so I think there is a lot going on in his head that he's not dealing with. I messaged him a few hours later to say 'hope you got there ok, sorry DC upset you etc'. DS1 actually messaged him too to say sorry. He's read our messages and not replied.

I tried calling him several times tonight, he didn't answer. He just messaged me with 'please leave me alone, it's not your fault' and now he's turned his phone off.

I'm worried sick, I don't know anyone where he is staying. I'm terrified. It's 3 hours away, we have no family where we live, I have the kids. It's a secure base so I can't even get in unless he signs me in. I don't think he'll do anything stupid, but I don't know what to do.

@TheSkatesOfCoachBombay

Ah ex military welfare here.

Phone the camp speak to Padre/Welfare officer. Padre/Welfare will approach it in a very sensitive way, he won't get in trouble. They will just play it off as, you didn't let your Mrs know you arrived safely so we just wanted to reassure her.

You can also contact .SSAFA the Armed Forces Charity, they will have a presence on your DHs base. They can signpost you to suitable resources.

For MH support, military have access to a special service delivered by the NHS called TILS. They get enhanced treatment such as up to 26 sessions of therapy. This just an example to show you there is lots of support available for your family (you are all covered). FYI I'm a volunteer Caseworker for SSAFA.

Betty you are vile. Probably some sad loser. Poor op and her family are grieving, stressed and need support and this is your helpful contribution?
It sounds like he is dealing with more than he can cope with op. Especially as they didn't have a good relationship. I'm sure he didn't mean to do that to your ds. Keep talking and being there for him, while encouraging him to see his doctor.

He wasn't nasty to his child, he was upset at his child

@LoverOfLight The effect of the action is the same, whatever the reason for it.

@ScatteredMama82 As long as your DP's needs aren't put above everyone else's long term it's ok. Grieving takes time and people can be dickheads, but the rest of you are people too. So he shouldn't take it out on the rest of you.

I think you're doing great OP - it's hard coping with someone who is in such a different headspace but knowing you're there for him, and getting silly jokes from your DS, will help.

There are several bereavement support orgs which could be useful, CRUSE being one. DH could ring CRUSE and speak to someone anonymously, no need to leave his details etc and no follow up - do tell him as it might be something he keeps in mind.

He sounds like a person struggling to deal with distress - which is all of us at points in our lives. Losing a parent is awful, especially if the relationship was unresolved. Great you've explained to your DS. Men and boys are often trapped by expectations that they should not show vulnerability (as we've seen on this thread) so hopefully your DS is learning not to bottle things up.

Hi all,
We have deleted several posts on here, many of which went because they repeated a deleted post. Please could we ask everyone to post in a manner that might help the OP with her problem?

Hope you’re okay OP. I think some of the advice about contacting the base to let them know he’s been having personal issues is a good idea if he won’t get help himself. It sounds like he’s had a lot to deal with. Sending love to you, it’s so hard when someone is struggling but they can’t/won’t talk about it. Xxx

P.S ignore some of the shitty responses on here, someone people just love to be nasty for no reason.

See if he will speak to the Chaplin on base, we went through some rough patches and they were very helpful. They can also speak to your DH’s superiors if he needs any time off or any other welfare bits xxx

Yes I agree with recommending he speaks with the chaplain on base (should at least get a brew and a biscuit!), or the welfare team. He obviously knows they are options, but perhaps hasn't really considered them and is just thinking that he doesn't want his CoC to know. Getting signed off also isn't as simple as going to a civvy GP, but there are changes afoot for the military to be more supportive to those struggling.

Glad you heard from him and got an explanation.
It was very worrying and I was going to handhold.
Hoping things sort out

I haven't read through all of the post - hope you, DH and DC are all ok. I was surprised to see that this is in the AIBU section with a poll (and of course you're not being unreasonable but that's beside the point). Did you mean to post in this section? I see that the thread is being moderated/edited but you might find another section of the forums better for handholding than one which invites other MNers to make judgements.

Is it possible to move a thread like this or get rid of the reasonability poll?

Well done for not giving the trolls here what they're after, and I hope you find the support you need while waiting for your DH to be ready to talk about things. Glad to see you're getting advice and that it includes others who have some understanding of the military base family life aspect of things.