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AIBU?

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Original poster

PLEASE HAND HOLD AND ADVICE

110 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 00:13

My DH has me worried sick. He works away in the week, so we don't see him usually from Mon am to Fri pm but we talk every day. He's been under a lot of pressure lately and he lost his father about 7 weeks ago. The weren't close, he didn't even know him really until he was a teenager. He's not shown any signs outwardly of grieving. Today, he set off as usual but very upset, our DS1 was too busy on youtube to say goodbye to him properly and it really upset him. More than it should really, so I think there is a lot going on in his head that he's not dealing with. I messaged him a few hours later to say 'hope you got there ok, sorry DC upset you etc'. DS1 actually messaged him too to say sorry. He's read our messages and not replied.

I tried calling him several times tonight, he didn't answer. He just messaged me with 'please leave me alone, it's not your fault' and now he's turned his phone off.

I'm worried sick, I don't know anyone where he is staying. I'm terrified. It's 3 hours away, we have no family where we live, I have the kids. It's a secure base so I can't even get in unless he signs me in. I don't think he'll do anything stupid, but I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 10/08/2021 09:37

Glad you have heard from him op.

Floralnomad · 10/08/2021 09:41

At least he realises there is an issue with his behaviour, not much you can do if he won’t access help though except protect your son from his irrational moods .

BastardMonkfish · 10/08/2021 09:44

[quote winterwalksandcoffee]@BastardMonkfish he is grieving. Don't be so rude [/quote]
Grieving or not, that's no way to treat your wife and son, it's emotionally abusive. And everyone constantly telling women to be nice and not be rude is how men get away with it. He needs to sort himself out but he won't. 12 year olds shouldn't have to deal with shit like that.

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 09:48

@BastardMonkfish my son didn't have to deal with any of it. My DH held his tongue and it was only when he walked out of the room I saw how upset he looked. He hasn't said anything to DS about it.

OP posts:
B3ttyCrocker · 10/08/2021 09:48

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21Bee · 10/08/2021 09:49

OP, you don’t need to tell the guards you are worried in future. They’ll go and get him if there is a family emergency and you can’t get through to his phone. It is worth speaking to welfare or the padre though.

Palavah · 10/08/2021 09:54

@TheSkatesOfCoachBombay

Ah ex military welfare here.

Phone the camp speak to Padre/Welfare officer. Padre/Welfare will approach it in a very sensitive way, he won't get in trouble. They will just play it off as, you didn't let your Mrs know you arrived safely so we just wanted to reassure her.

This sounds like good advice anyway, even if your husband is safe and well right now it sounds as though he may need someone to talk to?
heldinadream · 10/08/2021 09:57

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MontysMinions · 10/08/2021 10:00

Oh gosh, I wondered how long it would take someone to shout 'abuse'.

The poor man has lost his father, clearly is emotionally unequipped to deal with it, said nothing at all to his son to indicate he was upset, asked for some space last night and then apologised this morning.

He needs some help and support/counselling not to be labelled emotionally abusive. OP obviously recognises this.

MontysMinions · 10/08/2021 10:00

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Noshowwithoutpunch · 10/08/2021 10:06

Yes, he's going through a really tough time but putting his supportive wife through hell worrying about his welfare really isn't on when she's miles away, looking after his dc and can't contact him.
Sorry.

ConstantNameChanga · 10/08/2021 10:17

We all sadly lose parents at some point in our lives. Most people don't give their concerned partners the silent treatment because a child was momentarily absorbed online.

Lovemusic33 · 10/08/2021 10:22

Sounds like he just needs some time and space to process things. Sometimes it’s harder losing someone you were not that close too, he may feel guilty and anger due to the relationship they didn’t have Sad. I would back off a bit and let him do the talking when he’s ready to do so.

BrilloPaddy · 10/08/2021 10:22

DH is very stoic, and practical but losing his Dad floored him. They hadn't been in contact for probably 30 years - losing him meant that the relationship was never going to mend or heal. And he says he never got to ask him why he walked away.

I would contact the base welfare officer.... he doesn't have to shoulder this alone Flowers

ittakes2 · 10/08/2021 10:26

I am sorry for your situation. My husband was very close to his father but when his dad got dementia it really affected my husband's relationship with our son. My son was always important to him/us but it became more so during this period of grieving. My husband explained it that he was thinking more about his relationship with his dad and projected his feelings onto his own relationship with his son sort of thing. I am guessing your husband is reflecting on his poor relationship with his dad and wanting his relationship with his own son to be positive so might be feeling more sensitive to being rejected. If this is the case it should be talked about because it will result in more pressure on your son and might help your husband process his feelings.

ConstantNameChanga · 10/08/2021 10:28

Out of interest, has he given silent treatment or gone off in a huff before OP?

ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 10:29

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Pollymollydolly · 10/08/2021 10:29

Op - we’ll done for not getting drawn into the ‘ltb’ and ‘what a prat’ posts. You are dealing with it well by understanding what he is going through and giving him a little space and time.

Hopefully, with a little time and continued good communication, he will be able to accept some help to deal with his loss and the impact this has had on him.

It does sound as if his current behavior is stemming from his bereavement. Even if the relationship with his father was not close, he has lost not only the person but all possibility of the relationship improving. We also grieve for the relationship we didn’t have if that makes sense.

MrKlaw · 10/08/2021 10:30

Glad to hear you heard from him. That must be a huge relief at least for now. Will likely be difficult to talk to him if he is a closed book but you sound like you're ready to provide support for him if he needs it and hopefully he'll at least open up enough to promise to not 'shut up shop' if he's feeling down, even if he won't fully share what he's feeling.

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/08/2021 10:30

@MontysMinions

Oh gosh, I wondered how long it would take someone to shout 'abuse'.

The poor man has lost his father, clearly is emotionally unequipped to deal with it, said nothing at all to his son to indicate he was upset, asked for some space last night and then apologised this morning.

He needs some help and support/counselling not to be labelled emotionally abusive. OP obviously recognises this.

Thank you, this is very much the case. Yes, his behaviour last night was irrational and caused me a night of frantic worrying and no sleep. He is grieving though, and these things affect us all in different ways.
OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 10/08/2021 10:44

Glad he's okay, OP. But it doesn't seem fair on you (or him) for him to try and deal with this like this again. Sounds to me like the sensible thing to do would be for him to get some help.

I would like to say that if you contacted his work they might use it as an opportunity to extend/offer help for him, but I know it doesn't always work like that.

I don't know if I have any solutions. Hoping you find a way through. Brew

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/armed-forces-and-veterans-healthcare/veterans-nhs-mental-health-services/

Notaroadrunner · 10/08/2021 10:45

@ScatteredMama82

He rang me this morning. He admits he isn't reacting rationally, but he says he can't (=won't) go to the doc to get signed off.
He mightn't need to be signed off but he should avail of counselling if there is any provided. I'm sure they have had many staff bereaved and they will be equipped to help him through it.
ArabellaScott · 10/08/2021 10:47
  • That link has info on a new service set up specifically for veterans/military personnel who might need help with mental health.
Fizzbangwallop · 10/08/2021 10:47

@ScatteredMama82 if he won’t speak to a doctor is there anyone else he could talk to? A welfare officer or a friend?

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time.

Muchasgracias · 10/08/2021 10:47

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