PLEASE HAND HOLD AND ADVICE

[ScatteredMama82]

My DH has me worried sick. He works away in the week, so we don't see him usually from Mon am to Fri pm but we talk every day. He's been under a lot of pressure lately and he lost his father about 7 weeks ago. The weren't close, he didn't even know him really until he was a teenager. He's not shown any signs outwardly of grieving. Today, he set off as usual but very upset, our DS1 was too busy on youtube to say goodbye to him properly and it really upset him. More than it should really, so I think there is a lot going on in his head that he's not dealing with. I messaged him a few hours later to say 'hope you got there ok, sorry DC upset you etc'. DS1 actually messaged him too to say sorry. He's read our messages and not replied.

I tried calling him several times tonight, he didn't answer. He just messaged me with 'please leave me alone, it's not your fault' and now he's turned his phone off.

I'm worried sick, I don't know anyone where he is staying. I'm terrified. It's 3 hours away, we have no family where we live, I have the kids. It's a secure base so I can't even get in unless he signs me in. I don't think he'll do anything stupid, but I don't know what to do.

OP it sounds like you ultimately did the right thing. All you can do is be there for your DH and keep an eye on him and gently encourage him to talk about his dad. Perhaps also have a chat with your DS about what his DF is going through. It’s a good chance to teach your DS about empathy and expressing and managing emotions.

I'm so, so disgusted at the responses hear toward a man grieving the loss of his father. Like you'd talk to a woman like that posting on here describing the same circs.

And even though you are so crass as to hold that against people, do you honestly think attacking his character helps the OP? That is her husband you are talking about FFS.

Glad he's okay OP, I lost my dad a few months ago and it can really knock you sideways. And that is when things were pretty straightforward.

And referring to a man showing emotions as a "princess" is fucking foul, you do know that this just feeds into toxic masculinity and ultimately supports the patriarchy right?

@Muchasgracias

OP it sounds like you ultimately did the right thing. All you can do is be there for your DH and keep an eye on him and gently encourage him to talk about his dad. Perhaps also have a chat with your DS about what his DF is going through. It’s a good chance to teach your DS about empathy and expressing and managing emotions.

Thank you, I have spoken to DS to explain what DH is going through just now. That's why he messaged him to say sorry for being rude yesterday. They've swapped a few daft messages this morning which is great. I don't want to DS to feel in any way responsible for his dad's well-being.

I don't think it's necessarily a negative thing for him to want to be left alone for a bit to grieve, I'm the same. Sometimes being alone can be restorative when you're trying to process really difficult stuff. Its good for him right now not to have to take other people's feelings into account - I'm sure the mental load of processing the loss is overwhelming enough to process and he's battening down the hatches for a bit. I'd do the same. Its a hard time for family members as it's worrying when someone doesn't talk but we all have our own ways of protecting ourselves.

And also, maybe if we didn't treat men like some on here have acted towards the OP's husband, men would be able to grieve in a more open and emotional way. Some of you sound like you come from the 1950's honestly, it's ridiculous.

Grief is a hugely complicated thing especially as his relationship with his DF wasnt close. Lots of complicated emotions around guilt, loss, relief, anger.

It is possible that his DS not saying goodbye gave him something to feel simply sad about which let a lot of emotions go.

I hadnt cried over my DF's death, our relationship had been strained at times. He had been ill for some time and I was with him when he died. The biggest emotions at that moment were relief and guilt for feeling relieved. A short while after DF died I got ridiculously sad about a character in The Archers dying! Proper tears and everything! I realised that I was able to feel a very simple grief over the character's death in a way that I hadnt over DF's.

I'm glad he's been in touch OP, it must have been an awful night for you. I think you did the right thing, some people deal better with things if they are left alone. Please ignore the few unpleasant posters on this thread - I don't understand why it is that some people, especially those who seem to be lacking an empathy gene, must come on MN to let us all know how unpleasant they are. They seem to feel it is to be admired

My husband lost his dad a couple of years ago. Like your husband, they weren’t particularly close, and also like your husband, mine isn’t great at talking about emotions (ie he doesn’t talk about them at all).

About six months passed, and he seemed fine, but quieter. He didn’t seem to be getting pleasure from what he normally would, football etc, then suddenly he said he’d handed in his notice at work. He had a good, well paid job, 9-5 but in reality he left the house at 6 and got home between 7 and 8. He was the main breadwinner so I was worried, but our children are older, our mortgage is small. He decided he wanted to work for himself and be a handyman. It was a complete shock, and obviously has had financial repercussions (particularly during lockdown), but its good. He gets LOADS of work, works normal hours, comes home for lunch sometimes, and I think he now feels in control.

I hadn’t made the connection until I read your post, but I think his dad dying caused him to reassess his life. I wonder if your son not saying goodbye properly made him think about how little he sees his family, and how quickly your son (and other children?) are growing up, and that life's precious, and sometimes short?

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a worrying night. I think he’s going to need lots of (subtle) tlc for a bit.

@B3ttyCr0cker

You have read this completely wrong and are being insensitive to both the OP and her husband.

@B3ttyCr0cker

The OP has said that her son was oblivious to his reaction.

Have you never been so stressed and bottled things up and the smallest little thing is the thing that breaks you? It sounds like this is what happened.

He has asked to be left alone and have some space, the OP is rightly worried however this is what he needs at the moment. You're being really harsh.

@B3ttyCrocker please leave the thread, you are wrong and spreading damaging rhetoric and are not helping anyone even if what you were saying was true.

How ignorant to hear a one off event of a grieving man acting out (!) and crying abuse. How very arrogant of you to say you can "read between the lines" into the OP's life

Yes I have one son, and I'm raising him to be respectful and kind towards woman and children and to not be a sulking, gaslighting, emotionally abusive, man-child.
By raising him to believe any hint of emotional outburst is akin to being a princess, needy and melodramatic? Yeah nothing like instilling toxic masculinity in your sons to raise them right. Poor lad, I wonder how many times he’s been told to man up in that house.

Would he consider contacting CRUSE bereavement care

www.cruse.org.uk/

They have a helpline and chat

Betty

When in a hole stop digging.

DH and I have both lost our parents and we both dealt with it in different ways. There were times when both of us probably behaved like an arse because we were grieving. Some people need to shut down for a bit or get fixated on small things that become a proxy for the bigger feelings. There is nothing abusive about struggling with grief and there is no right way to grieve. The "man up" culture is utterly toxic and I will never expect that of DH or our sons.

Sounds as if your OH is processing a lot of stuff right now in his head. I think sometimes it can be harder if you didn’t have a close relationship with the deceased person - it brings up a lot of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’, and that can take time to work through.

Keep on being supportive, let him know you are there for him. He needs some time, I think. Maybe encourage him to speak to the base welfare officer, I’m sure there’s support available.

@B3ttyCrocker stop deflecting. You're the one who used that exact phrase. He wasn't nasty to his child, he was upset at his child because of displaced emotions caused by complicated grief.

You are really no helping actual victims of abuse by displaying literally any negative behaviour by a man as abuse.

You could text him and say you hope he is OK and that in a funny way, DS being so casual about goodbye and taking him for granted is living proof he is such a good dad. Stable children from loving homes don't feel they have to prove their love or actively strengthen the bond with their parents. They know it is there.