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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think being in a relationship with a convicted drink driver who killed a person is not 'couple goals'

162 replies

lovedayAlleys · 09/08/2021 22:51

On social media I've seen a couple who have gone public with their relationship with a post on social media.
One half of the couple was the perpetrator in a drink driving incident where the victim that was involved was killed. The perpetrator served a few years in prison for said crime and the situation was well publicised in the media.
Lots of gushing comments under the post on social media congratulating the happy couple, including the comment 'couple goals'.
AIBU that nobody in their right mind could ever aspire to or have a goal of being half of a relationship with someone found guilty of killing another person?
The quantity of likes and positive comments really flummoxed me. Is there anyone here who would date a person they knew to have been guilty of killing another person?

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 09/08/2021 22:57

Did you watch the Sean Bean series called Time? It was a good example of how people cam change

XenoBitch · 09/08/2021 22:59

So he has to stay single forever? For something he served time for.

AlexaShutUp · 09/08/2021 22:59

No, personally I probably wouldn't date them because I'd find it hard to get past what they had done, but if they had served their time, I wouldn't want to doom them to a life of social isolation either.

People sometimes make awful, terrible mistakes that are not ever really forgivable. I do think they should pay for those mistakes, but I also believe in rehabilitation. Yes, it's sickening to think of the life that was lost... the victim isn't lucky enough to get a second chance. But if someone has genuinely reflected on their mistake and feels real remorse for what happened, I wouldn't want to condemn them to a life of eternal misery. If someone is able to look beyond their past and love them anyway, then I would say good luck to them.

saveforthat · 09/08/2021 22:59

I couldn't. Or even if they drink drive regularly but managed not to kill anyone yet

Original poster

lovedayAlleys · 09/08/2021 22:59

I didn’t. Was it the same type of crime?

OP posts:

Treezan82 · 09/08/2021 23:00

Maybe take some time out from social media.

Hellocatshome · 09/08/2021 23:00

I wouldn't be able to get past what they had done, some people can. Some people make awful mistakes but are essentially good people, some people do awful things and are in fact that's you won't know which is which until you get to know them.

drpet49 · 09/08/2021 23:04

* Is there anyone here who would date a person they knew to have been guilty of killing another person?*

^Never ever. I wouldn’t be that desperate.

rattlemehearties · 09/08/2021 23:05

I agree with you that drink driving is never acceptable. However - I don't imagine he or she is doing it now! They've literally served the time for an awful crime and I think it's actually acceptable that people should be allowed to move on in this particular scenario.

Cabinfever10 · 09/08/2021 23:06

Do you honestly mean anyone who has killed another person? Or do you just mean under drink driving.
I ask this because most of my family are military (currently and formerly serving) and more than 1 has killed in the line of duty are they not allowed to have relationships?

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/08/2021 23:07

I suppose it depends on your view of remorse. If you believe it’s possible for people to feel it and, having spent time in prison reflecting on what they did wrong, come out better than when they went in, you’ll be open to offering them a chance.

I drove after a couple of drinks once as a teenager. It was a very dumb thing to do, and I gave myself enough of a scare that I never did it again; but it doesn’t make me an evil person, just a person, like pretty much every other on the planet, who has made a bad decision or had a lapse of judgement. Most of us are simply lucky enough that our bad decisions or poor judgement don’t result in tragedy.

Duchess379 · 09/08/2021 23:43

'Time' with Sean Bean & Stephen Graham is exactly this situation! Definitely worth watching.
Personally I couldn't get together with someone who's got a criminal past.. 🤷🏼‍♀️

MotionActivatedDog · 09/08/2021 23:49

I’ve lost a family member due to a drink driver. Driver was prosecuted and served 18 months. I could and would never date someone who has done this but I also don’t think the perpetrator should have to be single forever. Drink driving is one of those things someone can have a wake up call with and turn things around. If they have, if they’re sober and completely see how wrong they were then I see no reason why they shouldn’t have a relationship and get married.

Potteringshed · 09/08/2021 23:50

I think a core part of rehabilitation is letting people who have committed crimes reintegrate into society, have relationships, have a purpose. If that doesn't happen, people don't rehabilitate and society in general is worse off for it.

Eatenpig · 09/08/2021 23:50

When I was a student, my female best mate had a unbelievably stupid self destruct button re drink driving. She was otherwise totally normal and law abiding. But she liked drink and had a car. We used to hide her keys from her. Thankfully no harm ever caused. She's now in her 50s. Runs an environmental business and has a family, would never hurt a flea etc.
I'd struggle to be with someone who did that but my mate was a perfect example of idiot behaviour when drunk and totally went once they grew up a bit

VladmirsPoutine · 09/08/2021 23:51

I guess it depends on your world view. I think people can change but it's a very long and arduous process. That said, my boundaries and outlook mean that I could never be with someone who had done this. Everyone has to some extent a say in the load they carry on their shoulders and this would be just too heavy a load for me.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/08/2021 23:55

I wouldn't want to be with someone who done it, unfortunately a lot of people have drank and drove at some point luckily made it home without killing a person.
If he served his time and reinvested positively in society he deserves a second chance If he has changed.

WorraLiberty · 09/08/2021 23:58

AIBU that nobody in their right mind could ever aspire to or have a goal of being half of a relationship with someone found guilty of killing another person?

It's strange that you honestly think that's what the commenter meant by 'couple goals'.

What happened was tragic and awful to put it very mildly, but when people are released from prison, they have to get on with the rest of their lives.

And yes, I know the dead person can't do that.

NeedingAGoodNap · 10/08/2021 00:06

@Cabinfever10

Do you honestly mean anyone who has killed another person? Or do you just mean under drink driving. I ask this because most of my family are military (currently and formerly serving) and more than 1 has killed in the line of duty are they not allowed to have relationships?

I would personally never be in a relationship with someone who was in the military, especially if they had killed someone one.

I would be more likely to forgive someone who make a terrible mistake, had done their time, showed remorse, and had learnt from it.

EmeraldShamrock · 10/08/2021 00:12

Are you related somehow to the victim? It's not great celebrating on FB out of consideration for the victims loved ones otherwise everyone deserves the chance to change once.

Dreamstate · 10/08/2021 00:14

I bet lots of people have done lots of stupid things except they are just lucky it didn't end up with terrible consequences but it could have as it did with this guy.

So I find it a bit hard to understand all these comments saying I couldn't be with a person who did that, well your probably eith a person who did drink n drive that one time but lucky to get away with not harming anyone. Or something equally bad.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/08/2021 00:23

It varies so much when it's an accidental death.

Did they drink drive regularly? Were they generally disinterested in the effects it could have?
Or was it a one-off, a crazy moment when things were falling apart?

Were they truly sorry?
How long ago did it happen and had they properly come to terms with what they'd done?

I wouldn't even want to be friends woth someone who was glib about causing someone's death but surely the point of prison sentences not life imprisonment is for people to come out and integrate back into society and live their lives?

Wearywithteens · 10/08/2021 00:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

JustLyra · 10/08/2021 00:32

I doubt their partner woke up one day and went on the hunt for a convicted drink driver on OLD

Whether I’d date someone who’d been convicted of that depends entirely on the full circumstances. Was it a one off? Were they someone who got ridiculously drunk and drove whilst not giving shit or were they marginally over the limit the next day? (Not saying that’s acceptable but there’s a scale).

Ellmau · 10/08/2021 00:40

My DPs know someone who killed his own wife through careless (rather than drunk) driving. He escaped a prison sentence and less than a year later he was remarried.

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