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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think being in a relationship with a convicted drink driver who killed a person is not 'couple goals'

162 replies

lovedayAlleys · 09/08/2021 22:51

On social media I've seen a couple who have gone public with their relationship with a post on social media.
One half of the couple was the perpetrator in a drink driving incident where the victim that was involved was killed. The perpetrator served a few years in prison for said crime and the situation was well publicised in the media.
Lots of gushing comments under the post on social media congratulating the happy couple, including the comment 'couple goals'.
AIBU that nobody in their right mind could ever aspire to or have a goal of being half of a relationship with someone found guilty of killing another person?
The quantity of likes and positive comments really flummoxed me. Is there anyone here who would date a person they knew to have been guilty of killing another person?

OP posts:
RicherThanYew · 10/08/2021 00:40

I find it odd to compare military personnel to drunk drivers.

Monty27 · 10/08/2021 00:47

@RicherThanYew

I find it odd to compare military personnel to drunk drivers.
Murder is murder in my book. OP no I couldn't support the guilt and baggage if they even have it.
Siepie · 10/08/2021 00:47

@Cabinfever10

Do you honestly mean anyone who has killed another person? Or do you just mean under drink driving. I ask this because most of my family are military (currently and formerly serving) and more than 1 has killed in the line of duty are they not allowed to have relationships?
I would rather be in a relationship with someone who had made a dangerous decision once (drink driving) than someone who had chosen a whole career that they knew would/could involve killing people (military).

I wouldn’t actually be keen to be in a relationship with either, but I don’t think anyone should be ‘not allowed’ to have a relationship.

Kanaloa · 10/08/2021 00:51

I don’t think the comments are suggesting the ‘goal’ is to get together with a convicted drunk driver. It’s just something that’s said nowadays to mean that two people make a lovely couple.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 10/08/2021 00:51

Yanbu! Girl on my fb his engaged to a drug dealing convicted murderer and had the same comments. He's still a thug.

eekbumbler · 10/08/2021 00:53

@Hankunamatata

Did you watch the Sean Bean series called Time? It was a good example of how people cam change
Best first post reply ever.

OP watch it, then think about their relationship.

Which ultimately doesn't affect you at all.

Daydrambeliever · 10/08/2021 00:55

One person in the relationship you are talking about will probably have had to be forgiving, unconditionally loving, forward looking, non-judgemental and brave. If they both hold the same values then that kind of is relationship goals. It's not a relationship that I could see myself in, but I'm maybe not very forgiving.

Ozanj · 10/08/2021 00:57

Most drink driving convictions isn’t some irresponsible riproaringly drunk man staggering into the car and then running someone over. It’s usually someone who has good intentions, might be a couple of drinks over the limit, and is falsely confident who then hits someone and then panics and leaves them there.

GingerScallop · 10/08/2021 01:03

As others say, with rehabilitation and remorse, why can't they move forward? On the other hand, am sure deep down you know that the comments on couple goals do not mean they are celebrating being in love with someone who killed or that it was the goal of one half to meet and fall for someone that killed another person. Couple goals often refer to an outsider admiring a relationship that displays good characteristics. Like acceptance of each other, or being good friends and great lovers, or seeming to have fun or turning a corner in life because your partner has been good for you.
Am sorry you are having trouble that this person seems to be happy now while the person they killed was denied a life and their loved ones' lives are most likely punctuated by grief and sadness. But this person having a miserable life with no love or joy will not bring their victim back to life. Or reduce the grief of loved ones.

Emmelina · 10/08/2021 01:22

It’s hard to say when it was more a consequence of action than an active choice to kill. A good few years back, a woman the same age as I am in my town had a row with a boyfriend on a night out, he left her there, she went and found her car to follow him and confront him and she killed a man cycling home from work. She was of good character generally, good job, no criminal history. Was sentenced to jail, banned from driving for longer etc. Served her time and reintegrated into society.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2021 01:24

I think I agree that "couple goals" is rather tasteless, but the perpetrator MAY have changed their ways, now be completely teetotal and advocate for "never drink and drive" in their lives. In which case, it's a bit harsh to think he should never get into a happy relationship.

Obviously it's not what people tend to look for in a partner, but you can't help who you fall in love with.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/08/2021 01:36

I dont think I could be involved with someone who did that, however, honestly maybe it depends on the person/circumstances in reality.

I do think though if I'd committed a crime with that outcome then I wouldn't be on social media at all.

Snoozer11 · 10/08/2021 01:50

A drink driver is an idiot, but not necessarily a thug. I have no time for anyone who gets in a car after drinking, but if they're a decent person, they must carry that with then every day.

There are many, many terrible people who do wicked things but don't have a criminal record.

melj1213 · 10/08/2021 02:24

AIBU that nobody in their right mind could ever aspire to or have a goal of being half of a relationship with someone found guilty of killing another person?

YABU to make it such a black and white issue. It is entirely dependent on the situation and thr context as to whether a relationship with someone who has caused someone's death is viable. There is a difference between someone who made one stupid decision to get behind the wheel when drunk and someone who went out with the intention of killing someone.

Not everyone who causes someone else's death sets out with the intention of becoming a killer. I have a friend who was out clubbing when we were all 18/19, there was confusion over taxis at the end of the night and there was a bit of a scrap between his group of mates and another group of lads in the street. My friend grabbed a guy who had jumped on the back of another friend and had him in a headlock. He pulled him off his friend and threw the guy down onto the ground. 99 times out of 100 the guy would have ended up a bit winded but would have been fine. On this occasion, when the guy hit the ground he caught his head on the corner of a kerbstone, it caused a bleed on his brain and he was found dead the following morning.

My friend was arrested and charged with manslaughter and he was absolutely distraught and filled with remorse when he was told what had happened. He pleaded guilty and went to prison. He tried to kill himself within the first week and spent the first 6 months of his sentence on suicide watch until he managed to get seen by the MH team.

He was lucky to get into a couple of MH programs that helped him deal with what happened and he spent the majority of his sentence working with a charity who employs ex-offenders to come into the prisons to rehabilitate offenders who were convicted of crimes involving alcohol and/or violence. When he was released he went to work for the same charity, going both into prisons to work with offenders but also into schools and colleges to have talks with students about binge drinking.

We are now in our mid 30s, he is now the case manager for the charity he works for, volunteers for a local mental health charity, set up a "Street Angels" program (volunteers work with the local police to keep everyone safe as they leave clubs at the weekends by doing little things like giving out sweets/lollipops to big groups as they then can't be shouting at each other to trigger fights with a mouthful of sweets) is married and has two young children. If you met him today you would never know his history and people are often shocked to find out he has even been in prison, never mind what he was convicted of. He doesn't lie about his past if someone asks about it, but he doesn't walk around with an "I KILLED A MAN" tattooed on his forehead either.

disco123 · 10/08/2021 02:26

I think the critical thing is the choice to get behind the wheel after they've been drinking. They didn't choose to kill someone, they chose to drink and drive. So I would view them in the same light as anyone else who chooses to drink and drive, whether or not they had been convicted of doing so, and whether or not it had led to accident, injury or death. It could.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 10/08/2021 02:56

I find it odd to compare military personnel to drunk drivers

It's not just odd, it's utterly bizarre.

A huge proportion of 'military' personnel have no combat function, don't interact with weapons, and would go nowhere near any sort of conflict zone. There are accountants, cooks, surgeons, doctors, etc etc in the military. They're no more complicit in 'murder' that the people in the M.O.D., the politicians that take decisions to get involved in conflicts, or the tax payers who pay for the military that represents them.

Saoirse82 · 10/08/2021 03:01

@ComtesseDeSpair

I suppose it depends on your view of remorse. If you believe it’s possible for people to feel it and, having spent time in prison reflecting on what they did wrong, come out better than when they went in, you’ll be open to offering them a chance.

I drove after a couple of drinks once as a teenager. It was a very dumb thing to do, and I gave myself enough of a scare that I never did it again; but it doesn’t make me an evil person, just a person, like pretty much every other on the planet, who has made a bad decision or had a lapse of judgement. Most of us are simply lucky enough that our bad decisions or poor judgement don’t result in tragedy.

This.
LongTimeMammaBear · 10/08/2021 03:03

When I was a team (a really long time ago and in another country), we all used to go to clubs and get in with friend’s or older siblings driving licenses as before photo ones. “Designated driver” idea was a new thing.

I knew a girl who got drunk with her friends (I’d been at the same place that night). She got in the motorway the wrong way and his a car with two sisters inside. Both dead as well as a friend in her car. She was convicted and sent to jail. Tried numerous times to kill herself as she was wracked with guilt and remorse. She was 17 years old at the time of the accident. Certainly was an eye opener to everyone I knew. Thereafter , we (as in the kids at school) always had a designated driver. I’d like to hope that after serving her time, she got the help she needed and lived her life productively.

Now I do think I would feel differently about a serial dunk driver with multiple offences who didn’t learn and continued to offend resulting in a death by driving.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 10/08/2021 03:08

Drink driving is for losers. I wouldn’t have anyone in my life who drink drives, so definitely wouldn’t have someone like that as a partner.

Couple goals. 🙄 Some people have a really low bar.

WeAreTheHeroes · 10/08/2021 03:17

@Monty27 - I respect your opinion on this however killings by the military in the line of duty are not murders.

UnsuitableHat · 10/08/2021 03:40

I think most people are entitled to have a relationship and to mention it on social media. Presumably they’re not flaunting it in front of his victims, only telling their own friends, and they didn’t personally use the phrase ‘couple goals’? And the punishment has been served; it’s not an open brag about getting away with a crime? I’d say just ignore it if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Monty27 · 10/08/2021 03:47

[quote WeAreTheHeroes]@Monty27 - I respect your opinion on this however killings by the military in the line of duty are not murders.[/quote]
I respect the military for sure. No disrespect @WeAreTheHeroes
It's a totally different field so to speak. 👍🏼

Clumsyvolcano · 10/08/2021 04:40

I could yes, if he was genuinely remorseful and racked with guilt and can acknowledge what he had done is wrong. Good people do stupid things sometimes.

It would be different if he lost his temper and killed somebody, or killed somebody in a calculated manner, but this doesn’t seem like that kind of situation. It seems like a stupid, ill-judged decision under the influence.

You should not condemn him forever.

AtticusHoysAnus · 10/08/2021 04:45

I think the drink driving sentences when people are killed are woefully short.

That doesn't mean they should be locked up forever though.

Whogotdakeystomabeamer · 10/08/2021 04:50

I think I probably couldn't, personally, be with someone with that kind of past.
However, I imagine it was a total (although unavoidable) mistake and something that person will be haunted with for life. I don't believe they should be socially alienated forever.
If someone murdered in cold blood though, then that is a totally different kettle of fish.