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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think being in a relationship with a convicted drink driver who killed a person is not 'couple goals'

162 replies

lovedayAlleys · 09/08/2021 22:51

On social media I've seen a couple who have gone public with their relationship with a post on social media.
One half of the couple was the perpetrator in a drink driving incident where the victim that was involved was killed. The perpetrator served a few years in prison for said crime and the situation was well publicised in the media.
Lots of gushing comments under the post on social media congratulating the happy couple, including the comment 'couple goals'.
AIBU that nobody in their right mind could ever aspire to or have a goal of being half of a relationship with someone found guilty of killing another person?
The quantity of likes and positive comments really flummoxed me. Is there anyone here who would date a person they knew to have been guilty of killing another person?

OP posts:
Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 10/08/2021 04:52

I genuinely don't know.

Good people make bad decisions, context is everything, was the person a serial drink driver, was it a one off driving to work the next morning situation?
Do they still drink, do they feel remorse for what they did?
I wouldn't go out of my way to get into a relationship with someone with that history.

One of my dad's friends killed a girl with his bike, she was playing chicken with her friends on a busy road (running out in traffic basically) and he hit her, it completely broke him, he killed himself 2 years later because he couldn't live with it. A bad decision by the girl and his lack of reaction didn't end just one life... I find it heart breaking for both families.

Like other posters I don't think the couple goals comment is related to the history.

I also find it interesting that you haven't mentioned the sex of the drink driver yet a few commenters (myself included) have automatically assumed male.

OaxacaChihuahua · 10/08/2021 05:36

I hate any kind of social media gushing tbh, but I do think people can change and turn their lives around. It will never make up for what he did, but if he has shown genuine remorse and changed his behaviour I think there is good in him moving on and rejoining society.

girlmom21 · 10/08/2021 06:11

I'm not defending drink/drug/dangerous driving in any sense but are we saying people should never been forgiven for making mistakes.
Yes someone lost their lives and that's horrendous, but does that mean the perpetrator should never be allowed to live their lives again?

Which crimes are you ok with?

Would you be with someone who'd been arrested for common assault? Manslaughter? Burglary? Theft? Vandalism? Littering?

They've served their sentence. It's not down to you to be judge, jury and executioner.

The people involved clearly aren't your friends either so just remove them from your social media.

Monty27 · 10/08/2021 06:26

Actually why would you even use social media and bring attention to anything so tragic. Whether there's remorse or not.
It's not something to bring attention to on any romantic level is it? 🥺

Shoxfordian · 10/08/2021 06:28

I think people make mistakes
If you’ve never made any then judge away op

Balonzette · 10/08/2021 06:45

Are you perfect? Have you never made a mistake? This person has done their time and paid their price. You are awfully judgemental. People can make a dreadful mistake that changes their life in a heartbeat. People can do bad things but then grow and change. People don't deserve to be judged and criticized for their mistakes for their entire lives. This is a very sad post. You sound a little bitter.

TurveyTopsey · 10/08/2021 06:54

My husband was caught driving over the limit when he was 18 and banned for a year. Fortunately no one was harmed.

He hasn't done it since. We met when he was in his 40s; he's 60 now. People can change.

Original poster
lovedayAlleys · 10/08/2021 07:01

Thanks everyone, some really interesting responses. I'm being vague with the details as I don't want to identify the case on here.

Last thing I will mention is that a few years previous to this the person was convicted of drink driving and banned from driving for a period . That incident didn't lead to a fatality but the next one did.

OP posts:
Whogotdakeystomabeamer · 10/08/2021 07:09

Do you think the person in question has changed? That would be the bottom line.

SofiaMichelle · 10/08/2021 07:14

Are you perfect?

Because there are only 2 possible positions on this scale, aren't there:

"Drinking driving and killing someone" or "perfect"

Confused
thedancingbear · 10/08/2021 07:15

@Cabinfever10

Do you honestly mean anyone who has killed another person? Or do you just mean under drink driving. I ask this because most of my family are military (currently and formerly serving) and more than 1 has killed in the line of duty are they not allowed to have relationships?
No-one's saying these people aren't 'allowed' to form relationships. Clearly they can, and do.

But I think I would prefer to be with someone who had accidentally killed someone, and had shown remorse, than someone who had deliberately killed someone, and was presumably completely happy with that.

spotcheck · 10/08/2021 07:16

Judgy OP?

Mountaingoatling · 10/08/2021 07:19

There are so many threads on Mumsnet that seem to take issue with the concept if redemption, change and forgiveness. Perhaps because posters are anonymous, there's an insistence that other people are to be forever defined by past actions and that a huge number of quite common behaviours render someone untouchable.

I don't know the details. Dating a drink driver isn't wise. Dating someone who's changed themselves and not defining them by their worst moment but who they are now is rather wonderful.

Heatherjayne1972 · 10/08/2021 07:20

But you can’t judge someone for things they did before you even knew them

I suppose if they’ve been to prison and ‘payed the debt to society’ and are genuinely remorseful that’s one thing
If they aren’t bothered about what they’ve done then that’s a very different situation

HOkieCOkie · 10/08/2021 07:21

Is this person not allowed to move on with his life? He did a terrible thing but he’s paid for it with prison and the lifelong struggle of knowing your actions took another’s life?

whatswithtodaytoday · 10/08/2021 07:25

It depends entirely on the circumstances. Assuming it's some time ago, they've served their time and no longer drink drive, are in AA, whatever, then possibly yes I'd be ok with that. You have to believe in rehabilitation, or what is the point of releasing people from prison?

I know someone who was in prison, many years ago, for something fairly horrible. But he is fully rehabilitated, has gone the other way in terms of behaviour, and is generally a lovely person.

doesanyonewantthis · 10/08/2021 07:26

Anyone who sincerely uses the phrase "couple goals" is not someone you should take seriously.

welliesarefuntowear · 10/08/2021 07:31

It depends on how the person has changed. But my view of the whole thing is that you're too invested in someone else's life. I have no idea why you have such a strong view about this. What should happen here? What do you think is right?

My brother was killed in a road accident. He was 20. My oldest brother was driving the car. It's hard to remember exactly what happened because I was so traumatised. But he was convicted of a driving offence. Something like causing death by dangerous driving. The road was icy. It wasn't gritted. He hit a telegraph pole. I've read since about a phenomenon called target fixation in driving accidents which goes some way to explaining how it happened because I struggled to accept it.

He spent the next two decades in the depths of heroin and alcohol addiction. He's recovered now. He has got a first class degree. My mum was around to witness his recovery before she died herself. And he has a girlfriend. A woman who has three children who he is a tremendous role model to. I'm immensely proud of him.

Leave them be. Everyone deserves happiness.

ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 07:35

I don't understand what couple goals means but that doesn't sound like something I want to be part of.

With regard to the drink driver, addiction is a terrible thing, so it depends what's happened since the events to deal with that.

I think most people have had moments when something awful could have happened and got away with it. Jumped the lights because of a momentary lapse of concentration, been distracted at a pedestrian crossing, broken the speed limit in a residential zone. Most of the time nothing terrible happens, but if it does, you have to pay for it forever, including by never being able to have relationships?

He's served his time, he's got to deal with it in his head forever and (presumably) you don't know the details of his remorse.

Eatenpig · 10/08/2021 07:41

@lovedayAlleys

Thanks everyone, some really interesting responses. I'm being vague with the details as I don't want to identify the case on here.

Last thing I will mention is that a few years previous to this the person was convicted of drink driving and banned from driving for a period . That incident didn't lead to a fatality but the next one did.

Context is everything. Someone who keeps doing it is clearly selfish & stupid but the woman involved might be under their spell & desperate for a relationship. Who knows. But there's loads of people everywhere doing stuff if not get involved in.. just unfriend them
AntiFlag · 10/08/2021 07:50

Did it Ant McThingy and his new mistress wife?

Neverrains · 10/08/2021 07:56

@Wearywithteens

Unfortunately even criminals fall in love. Their thicko social media mates are just playing the fake, shallow, social media game of likes and profile like everyone else. It’s the whole joke of a criminal justice system you should be angry at.
Do you mean he should have stayed locked away for the rest of his life, and therefore wouldn’t be able to have further relationships?
Heronwatcher · 10/08/2021 08:00

It’s difficult to tell. From what you’ve said it sounds like the person has served a prison sentence. Unless they are a total psychopath what they have done will live with them forever. It doesn’t seem as though anything they are doing suggests they are a danger to society. So yes, the purpose of a prison sentence is to make them reflect on what they did but also come back out into society and form relationships and families so no, I don’t have an issue with it, and yes I might have a relationship with someone like that depending on the circumstances. We don’t really expect people to be walking around with a virtual placard stating their sins for the rest of their lives do we?

ragged · 10/08/2021 08:01

Love isn't a rational thing.

Heronwatcher · 10/08/2021 08:02

And I am not sure that someone who has done something terrible in the past but faced up to it and treats their partner or family well is worse than someone who currently abuses their partner, knows what they are doing, and continues to get away with it (even though they are very unlikely to get caught and sent to prison).