'Friend' made a comment about my hair and I'm so fucking angry with her.

[LordOfTheThings]

I'm a year post chemo. My hair has grown back but it's nowhere near as thick as it was before I lost it but it's ok, I'm still here so I can live with it.

I keep it quite short (long pixie type cut), partly because it's still not grown as much as I would have liked and partly because it starts to look even thinner if I try to grow it longer.

Friend, and I use the term loosely as she's really a friend of a friend said 'I much preferred your hair before, why do you keep it so short now I'm not sure you suit it'. I, being a fucking mug, just kind of mumbled a stupid reply and walked off and I'm so cross with myself. I think I was so taken aback.

I did prefer my hair before. I also preferred having breasts before and not feeling constantly worried about cancer coming back either. Maybe I'm just super sensitive but I'm SO upset. I want to message her and tell her I think she was out of order but not sure if I'm just being super touchy?

Give us her name, and we will all post her a poo !
Ok , so perhaps not , but like others have said , she is not a friend.

@RuthTopp

Give us her name, and we will all post her a poo ! Ok , so perhaps not , but like others have said , she is not a friend.

Count me in 😏

@MrsHamlet

My best friend has cancer. She has no hair at the moment. Given the choice, I'd prefer her to have hair. But I'd rather she be as bald as a coot to try to kill the cancer.

Not much of a friend if her hair status even makes your thought process

Fucking hell, how thoughtless! I take it she knows you've had chemo?? I'd definitely give her a wide berth! Big hugs coming your way 💝

Totally echo what the other posters have said, she’s a truly horrible person.
I got similar shit from my MIL who commented on my wig, that ‘finally you’ve sorted out your hair’.
She’s stupid, but it was a particularly stupid thing to say. We have as little contact as I can manage these days.

I think @ChequerBoard nailed the best message.

@BalloonSlayer

It might not have occurred to her. Why not text and say "Dear x, the reason my hair looks different is the effect of the chemotherapy I had for my cancer. LordoftheThings" (no kisses)

I don’t know why, but I’m crying at this. “No kisses! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, you arsehole! NO KISSES!” Thanks, @BalloonSlayer, I needed that laugh.

OP - agree with others about writing the message, even if you don’t send it; otherwise, you will just “write it” 100 times in your head. If you want to send it, without changes, in 24 hours, send it. And no kisses for that bitch!

Not much of a friend if her hair status even makes your thought process
Perhaps if you'd read any of my other comments you'd have understood the context. Losing her hair was the thing she was most afraid of. I couldn't care less about her hair FOR me.

Some people really don’t think before they speak.
I agree that it depends if she knew your history or not. And I hope she made that comment not knowing your history rather than because she’s a cow! So pleased that you’re doing well post treatment but I hope you’ve still got support if needed (to help you through what you’ve been through) 💐

@whatsthataboutthen

I have been in exactly the same position as you OP, also after chemo for breast cancer. People say the most ridiculous things.

You are correct in that it comes back differently, the shape of the hair follicle changes during chemo but it should change back and then it'll grow back.

In my case it grew back quite grey due to the shock of chemo drugs etc.

I'll never forget bravely posting my image when I was almost finished treatment, after 15 long months and during which i had lost all my hair including eyebrows and eyelashes. My head hair was starting to come back, and it was grey. Posted on FB with an image of me hooked up to my last chemo to say "nearly there, I am nearly there, not looking my best but I'm alive."

So called "friend" posted in reply on FB: "looking quite grey there, getting old now?"

I was 39.

And so bloody pissed off with her.

A year later the cancer came back and I was in intensive care for six weeks. Left hospital middle of December.

The same "friend" complained that I hadn't printed out any photos of my children to include in her Christmas card that year .."where are my photos of the children? Not sending their Christmas presents til I get them."

Never spoke to her again.

Fucking hell.

There is just no accounting for some people.

I hope you are well now

I'd message her exactly what you said here. What a bitch

What a total witch. I'd avoid her like the plague. You poor thing OP, what an arsehole.

As she’s a friend of a friend, what does the mutual friend see in her? Have you told her what she said?
I’m currently bald due to chemo and I’ve got a ‘friend who I know will say something about my hair once it regrows. She thought it would be wise, rather than to ask me how chemo is going, to tell me pointedly that she hadn’t heard from me for a month. Some people can’t stop themselves, no matter what the situation. I don’t know if it’s stupidity, insecurity, cruelty or a bit of each.

@LordOfTheThings

I hope your wobble has passed and that you remember how epic you really are. You are a survivor, a fighter. You have beaten a truly awful disease and walked through hell to get to the other side.

Whether you feel it or not at the moment, you are a warrior and you are not to be messed with.

Send her a simple text, then block. Alert your mutual friend and then move on. Do not allow her to infect you any more. Your worth is your own. You also have hundreds of
Us here on MN gently holding you up and willing you on.

Do not waste your time on this person.

@LordOfTheThings

• It sounds like she doesn’t know why you keep your hair short and thinks that now your hair is back it’s back as thick as it was before. It was a thoughtless but innocent comment.

@Franklyfrost she does know. She lives in the same village as I do and we've spoken in the past about my treatment.*

You know best. I suppose I just don’t think anyone would be so unkind for no reason. But if you specifically told her you were keeping your hair short because it was thinner after chemo then it’s just such a strange thing to say. She wasn’t awkwardly telling you that your hair is thick enough to grow it longer? Is she odd in other ways? Because, otherwise, why say that? Just why.

I am STILL fuming about someone who looked me up and down and said "I must say, I much preferred you with longer hair, why did you have it cut?" I only knew this person slightly too!

If I'd been ill to boot I think I'd have decked her.

I think you should send the message OP, make her feel REALLY bad by telling her how upset her comment made you feel and she might just think next time she opens her mouth.

How about this:
“Hello . I have been ruminating on our meeting yesterday and I just wanted to highlight something that might save you embarrassment in the future. I am assuming that you had no idea that chemo often results in total hair loss and then the return of that hair in a much finer/whispy state. This is what has happened to me alongside losing my breasts and nearly dying. If, or when, you meet other people in similar circumstances, I would urge you not to make horribly insensitive and thoughtless comments about their hair. It is incredibly hurtful, especially considering all that they will have been through. Regards, Lord.

She’s ignorant and stupid and doesn’t have your strength. Don’t waste your energy on her.

I lost loads of my hair when I became ill a few years ago, I wore a wig at one point. It is very hard to explain the upset of losing hair. I’m really sorry this person was so totally insensitive and truly horrible.

I’m still pissed off on your behalf a day later.

Well I thought I'd update all you lovely lot.

I did message her last night and just said that I'd been a bit taken aback by her comment as I'd found it insensitive and hurtful, particularly as she knew my situation.

She read it last night but didn't respond til this afternoon with 'I'm sorry you felt that way, I didn't realise you were so sensitive about it'. I'm not responding because, quite frankly, I just can't.

I didn't tell our mutual friend because she's quite lovely and it's not her problem, I don't want her to feel in the middle of it. I just won't spend any more time in the other woman's company and if the reason why comes up, I'll tell her then I suppose.

Holy fuck, that reply makes it even worse! She is a complete cow and you have every right to go completely NC on her. Who replies like that if they know they’ve done wrong?
If that friend is reading these posts, WTAF? Be nice, apologise and say you got it wrong as you did.

Now you know you can hit the BLOCK button and do not look back..

and I would keep that message to remind you of what a vile poisonous bitch she truly is..

Sending you love support and all the strength in the world 💕🌸

Oh wow. Unbelievable. Well, that's that then and you won't be having anything to do with her again.

I'm sorry you had to deal with her on top of everything else you've been dealing with.