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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
MagnoliaBeige · 09/08/2021 10:45

Definitely not unreasonable, I wouldn’t have quibbled over a few pounds but paying double isn’t on! I’d reply back “I’m happy to split the bill when everyone’s consumed roughly the same amount but asking me to pay £40 when what I ate and drunk came to £19 isn’t fair. Anyway, I hope you liked your present!”

igelkott2021 · 09/08/2021 10:46

I always find it very odd that people think the bill should be shared equally when it's obvious that some people had a salad and a lemonade, and others have had a three course meal and a bottle of wine.

You were not at all out of order OP, the birthday girl was.

It might be that people would say that they'll pay for the birthday girl's meal, but that should be discussed and agreed in advance.

ImRhondaAndthesearentreal · 09/08/2021 10:46

@TooWicked

Splitting between the six of you made your bill £11 more.

No it made her bill £21 more.

Fat thumbs and didn't proof read. But, you get the gist.
Ilovecaviar · 09/08/2021 10:47

Not in the wrong at all. Cheeky bints. So what are you going to reply?

GoldenBlue · 09/08/2021 10:48

It's always the ones that benefit that suggest splitting the bill isn't it? Those of you that don't mind splitting the bill, is it because it's normally in your favour or no particular difference? Or do you consciously choose to subsidise your friends bills?

AutumnLeafDance · 09/08/2021 10:48

Good for you! Why should you have to subsidize their alcohol consumption?

igelkott2021 · 09/08/2021 10:49

@HackAttack

I think for a normal meal I'd agree with you but I think for a birthday meal commenting on others drinking and fussing over £40 is tacky really.

I over pay at people's birthdays when they order shots/desserts/bottle of something even if I am not partaking I split cost, it's their celebration. I am sure you are going to drip feed she only bought you a potato for your last birthday though.

I wouldn't for ordinary meals out but for a birthday you'll be remembered as the mood hoover now.

That rather assumes that the OP is financially able to pay more. And if she can, it should be agreed in advance!

And actually it's not the £40 (£15 in fact as the OP paid £25) which is tacky - £15 divided between the rest of the party is very little indeed and they are being the tacky ones.

Anyway I wouldn't spend time with "friends" who expected me to subsidise their expensive restaurant habits. Occasion or not, you don't split bills unfairly.

ExConstance · 09/08/2021 10:49

My friends are very polite and if someone had not been drinking they would always suggest they pay less. This used to be really common a few years back when there were lots of pregnancies in the group.
In this situation I'd have cheerfully paid up with the bill split. It was a birthday meal, OP didn't know the group and the amount was not huge.
probably best to say beforehand if you don't want to bill split.
I have one friend who has a reputation for being stingy, despite being very well off, she always does things like having 2 starters or saying she is too full for pudding, always asks for tap water. Whilst i like her very much for other reasons I'm afraid I'm always a bit war of eating out with her because her stinginess tends to spoil it for others.

Heliachi · 09/08/2021 10:50

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toocold54 · 09/08/2021 10:50

I think for a normal meal I'd agree with you but I think for a birthday meal commenting on others drinking and fussing over £40 is tacky really.

£40 is a lot of money!
OPs meal came to less than half of that. She may have intentionally not had alcohol as she couldn’t afford to. She also got her a present so it wasn’t like she was being stingy.

OP YANBU and you shouldn’t have paid over your bill at all.
When I go out with a group of friends and it’s someone’s birthday we often offer to pay their bill for them between us which is usually about £5 more each - do you think they thought this was the plan?

FunMcCool · 09/08/2021 10:50

You’ll be told yanbu surely how much did you save a couple of quid?

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2021 10:51

@DottyHarmer

I’m a bit on the fence as I have known people who “don’t drink” but still have a pricey non-alcoholic drink or two and also a starter and a pudding.

I think it also depends on how much you are being “done” for. Your meal may have come to £19 but what about service charge/tip?

But there is no cheekiness about them doing so if they want to pay for their own, surely?

Of course YANBU OP, your friend does not sound very nice.

SunShinesBrightly · 09/08/2021 10:52

@FunMcCool

You’ll be told yanbu surely how much did you save a couple of quid?
£21
Pushkinia · 09/08/2021 10:53

It’s happened to me as well - a work event for a colleague’s retirement. We agreed to cover the retiring colleague’s meal and drinks between us (I was happy with that) but I had one course and one soft drink, since I have a small appetite and don’t drink, everyone else had 2 courses and 2 glasses of wine each. Then at the end, my manager said “we’ll just split the bill between us”. I didn’t have the confidence to speak up but it still rankles that I subsidised everyone else’s food and drink!

81Byerley · 09/08/2021 10:53

I don't drink alcohol, and whether I'd split the bill would depend on whether the alcohol had been just wine with the meal, or whether it had been loads of alcohol. The other thing I'd think is "Do I like these other people? Would I be happy to treat them, normally? As in paying for lunch or coffee and cake when out shopping?"

Boatonthehorizon · 09/08/2021 10:53

This used to annoy me for years but I now have twigged what they do. Buy the most expensive meal (lobster anyone!) and drink heavily and expect all to cover it. I dont agree with it really.

ipredictacarrot · 09/08/2021 10:53

I'd reply "you seem to have misspelt 'thanks for the present'... You're welcome ☺️ "

SunShinesBrightly · 09/08/2021 10:53

Although she overpaid by £6 so she saved herself £15 in the end.

vixeyann · 09/08/2021 10:55

As long as you paid for your own food and drinks, how is it unreasonable? Why should you subsidise the meal?

Original poster
notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 10:56

I replied straight away to friend saying 'That would've made my bill more than double. I had no alcohol. Hope you still enjoyed your day'

It's on blue tick so she's seen but no response. So that's that I suppose

OP posts:
ginghamstarfish · 09/08/2021 10:56

About time people stopped doing this and just getting separate bills. Hate hate hate this and there is always someone who will find it unfair, someone who will be subsidised, unless they all eat and drink exactly the same!

thesplashing · 09/08/2021 10:56

I actually fell out with a group of friends over this many years ago.

I was 19 and working a crap part time job earning very little whilst taking my Alevels. We went out for birthday meal of a friend and she invited lots of other friends we didn't know who were all ordering bottles of wine to the table (behind our backs- it was an L shaped table) whilst we went to the bar and ordered our drinks separately.

At the end they tried to make me and another friend pay for the bottles of wine for people we'd never met. I asked if we could just pay for our meal as we'd got our drinks at the bar and was screamed at by a friend for wanting to split 'down to the amount of ice we'd had'

I felt so embarrassed at the comments but I didn't have the funds to subsidise someone else's meal & drinks.

TalkingOutYerArse · 09/08/2021 10:56

YANBU

You didnt drink.

TillyTopper · 09/08/2021 10:57

YANBU to not want to split it - however I woudn't have said anything myself. Ppl can be funny though and it does cause an atmosphere so even though I don't drink alcohol at all (haven't for 3 years) I wouldn't say anything. But I go out rarely so it doesn't matter too much.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2021 10:57

@TooWicked

People who love a party vibe when they’re ordering fillet steak and a bottle of red, knowing that the schmuck who is eating an £8 pasta and a glass of water will be subbing them are disgusting.
Exactly.

Also agreeing with BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand said:
Are you saying that you choose what to eat/drink based on the size of the subsidy you expect from the people you're eating with?

Because that is the only possible reason you'd need to know in advance.

People who pay their own bills never need to know this because they always pay their way.

I've also noticed the snide comments from a few posters who either have their heads so far up their own bottoms that they can't/won't think of any circumstances other than their own - or they're needling because the wave of people no longer wanting to split is gaining strength.