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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 08/08/2021 21:51

[quote cheekyfucker21]@Ginger1982

What I "get out of this" is I get to avoid the horrible uncomfortable feelings that come with asserting myself and my boundaries, particularly with the opposite sex. I get to be passive and not have to address it head on. That's what I get out of ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. Since you asked. [/quote]
All you need to do is block him, not have a long drawn out conversation with him.

rosinavera · 08/08/2021 21:52

@QueenBee52

This cannot be real... I'm reporting this Thread
I think you're far too invested in this thread!!
UnGoogled · 08/08/2021 21:52

Some of us in this thread know exactly what you're going through, why you feel as you do,and why you feel responsible for his actions.

You are not responsible.

You are 100% allowed to have your own boundaries and assert them.

You are not a bad person for feeling confused, or needing this affirmation.

You can do this.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 08/08/2021 21:52

@QueenBee52 you've gone a bit weird, mate...

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:52

[quote PaddleBoardingMomma]@QueenBee52 you've gone a bit weird, mate...[/quote]

I agree. Wtf?

OP posts:
OaxacaChihuahua · 08/08/2021 21:52

It’s astonishing you haven’t blocked him already!!

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:53

Why is someone reporting my thread? Really?

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 08/08/2021 21:53

@cheekyfucker21

Either leave your partner or be loyal, that means not engaging in sexualised chat with other men, especially ones you used to sleep with.

I have not engaged in sexualised chat since being back with my partner. I am loyal to him. So this is completely unnecessary

YOU ARE. I have read the full thread and all your posts, you need to get it through your head that for any partner (with any self respect) you continuing to chat with an ex who is actively trying to get with you IS CHEATING. And you’re DELETING SEXUAL MESSAGES.
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:53

@UnGoogled

Some of us in this thread know exactly what you're going through, why you feel as you do,and why you feel responsible for his actions.

You are not responsible.

You are 100% allowed to have your own boundaries and assert them.

You are not a bad person for feeling confused, or needing this affirmation.

You can do this.

Thank you x

OP posts:
thecatsarecrazy · 08/08/2021 21:54

You haven't blocked him already because you actually like it but don't want to say it out loud. "Ben" is a dick

ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 21:54

What I "get out of this" is I get to avoid the horrible uncomfortable feelings that come with asserting myself and my boundaries, particularly with the opposite sex.

I noticed that.
You have no problem making some strong & assertive statements to some of us here, who, like you I am presuming to be female.

You can't carry on like this, accepting tea from the male half of the population when YOU DO NOT WANT TEA!

There is a way for you to do this, but none of us can help you get there. Go & hire an expert - invest some good hard cash in finding someone, preferably a woman, preferably one who has a lot of experience in helping women assert themselves & value their own boundaries.

Don't be afraid to try a few different counsellors for size either. Your gut will tell you when you've found the right one. Flowers

MaggieFS · 08/08/2021 21:55

Please block him and don't risk what you have now.

Whatever your feelings of politeness or obligations, your history with him is just that, history. He is being disrespectful in what he's asking of you. It tells you all you need to know about what he thinks of you.

And don't worry about friends in common, should anyone even find out, you just let them know you had to block him due to inappropriate sexual harassment.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:55

@thecatsarecrazy

You haven't blocked him already because you actually like it but don't want to say it out loud. "Ben" is a dick

🙄

No. Again. I have issues with telling people to fuck off who make me feel uncomfortable. That's why I have ignored instead.

OP posts:
MindatWork · 08/08/2021 21:56

Wait, so you have a chat over messenger or whatever, exchange niceties, he eventually builds up to ask you for some sexy pics, you ignore/delete...

And the next time he messages you, do you start up with the pleasantries again? Or do you ignore him all the time now?

If you start back up with the pleasantries knowing full well that at some point he’s going to ask you to send pics, then I don’t think you’re really behaving 100% fault to your bf. Apologies if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2021 21:56

@cheekyfucker21

Either leave your partner or be loyal, that means not engaging in sexualised chat with other men, especially ones you used to sleep with.

I have not engaged in sexualised chat since being back with my partner. I am loyal to him. So this is completely unnecessary

I'm sorry but if I were in Tom's shoes and I found out my husband was receiving rude messages asking him for 'sexy pics', from someone he was having sex with a little over 10 years ago, I'd be less than impressed with his 'reasons' for not simply blocking her.

So crack on and just hope Tom never finds out.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 21:56

@cheekyfucker21 but blocking someone avoids all of that conflict, prevents the chance of your partner and father of your child seeing messages asking for pictures of your tits and gives you peace of mind.

Yet you still won't just block him, then claim you don't enjoy it.

Ginger1982 · 08/08/2021 21:56

But you don't have to tell him to fuck off. You just have to click a button.

Flowers500 · 08/08/2021 21:57

You’ve been plenty assertive to posters on here. Yet have taken positive actions in real life to continue these conversations with him.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:57

Does someone get notified on FB if you block them? Do you have to remove as a friend as well or is that separate?

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:58

@Flowers500

You’ve been plenty assertive to posters on here. Yet have taken positive actions in real life to continue these conversations with him.

I haven't had sex with any posters on here. That's where I struggle with my boundaries a bit.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 21:58

If you were my partner, you'd have your bags packed for you and be out of the door by now.

Show your partner some respect or leave him.

You've left it too late to tell him about all the sexual messages you've deleted, and you'll never have the guts to actually tell him, and you don't want to tell 'Tom' to stop messaging you, or you would have already don'e so.

Just hope that 'Ben' doesn't bump into 'Tom' one day and tell him.

UnGoogled · 08/08/2021 21:58

They can't contact you anymore. That's it. No notification.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 21:58

@cheekyfucker21

Does someone get notified on FB if you block them? Do you have to remove as a friend as well or is that separate?
You can block on messenger without blocking on Facebook I believe. They don't get notified either way.
OaxacaChihuahua · 08/08/2021 21:58

You don’t need to tell him to fuck off. You can block him without saying anything about it at all. No confrontation, no drama, no more unwelcome sex chat.

category12 · 08/08/2021 21:59

I'm sure people will have already said this, but by not blocking him you're running the risk that one day Tom will see one of his messages and think you're flirting or worse with the guy. Which will fuck up your marriage.

Is not "being rude" really worth risking that?