To tell him to fuck right off?

[cheekyfucker21]

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

It is time to block him, CF.

It was different when you were both on your own, you did nothing wrong then, but now each of you is settled with a partner.

Nobody else needs to know that he is blocked but regardless of that, please do it. Imagine if your partner 'accidentally' saw the messages, you'd have some explaining to do; it's far better for you to avoid that.

@Ginger1982

What I "get out of this" is I get to avoid the horrible uncomfortable feelings that come with asserting myself and my boundaries, particularly with the opposite sex. I get to be passive and not have to address it head on. That's what I get out of ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. Since you asked.

I had a similar experience to this. An ex broke up with me, met new woman got married contacted me a few years afterwards to say hi. I replied asked how he was told him I'm married with a child sent family pics and then the stupid msgs started. Inviting me on holiday if I was ever bored or asking if we could meet. I blocked and even changed my number to escape him.

He's not 'your mate'
He see's you as a piece of meat he can look at...when his married piece of meat is boring him.

And the nights you ignore him,he's texting loads of other girls. Guaranteed.

He is being a sleeze and making you uncomfortable but you let it continue and engage in conversation KNOWING he gets like this.

You continue because you get some kind of pay off from it.

Its exciting to have a man lust after you.

You say it makes you uncomfortable but you wont tell him..??
THE MAN IS TEXTING YOU PURELY TO GET A LOOK AT YOUR NAKED BODY and you dont want to make him/friendship groups uncomfortable?!
Dont buy it. Also keeping it from your partner makes me think you might subconsciously enjoy the secret.

[quote UnGoogled]@WorraLiberty you don't know from Adam but I do rather respect your relationship advice. I have not given the op my opinion over what she should do, because I felt like she was being raked over the coals in this thread and needed someone to be in her corner. She is struggling, I think.[/quote]

I am... and I thank you for your kindness x

So are you going to block him?

FFS. Your behaviour here is not ok, if I were your husband I would 100% consider this to be cheating and would strongly reconsider our future together.

If an ex is repeatedly hitting on you and you’re indulging this (YES you are) then you’re disrespecting your partner and leaving the door open to a fully fledged physical affair. You’re incredibly lucky he doesn’t know the full picture about the texting you have with with the ex since you reunited—you can do what you want when you’re split up, but to essentially allow this to continue during your relationship means you are cheating.

You HAVE indulged this: because you didn’t clearly state you don’t want to have an affair with him or block him, then continued to have conversations with him while he kept trying to start an affair with you. You also deleted messages FFS!

How can you expect your partner to trust your version of events if he sees this?

@KurtWilde

You are definitely not responsible for his reprehensible actions

Of course not, but she IS responsible for her own inaction wrt blocking him, and that inaction could lead to problems in her relationship. I'm assuming she's hiding these messages from Tom?

I delete them as soon as he sends them and then disengage from the conversation. No hiding going on, as such. Just instant removal of message and disengage.

What will you say to your OH in defence of his reasonable question, "but why did you not just block him".
He won't believe you.
BLOCK the sleaze. It's not like you see him regularly even.

Have you blocked him?

This is really common. I think we've probably all experienced it.

Just block the sleaze.

Yeah I think you’re failing to get inside the mind of this guy.

You are assuming that he genuinely sees you as a friend with whom there’s a historical back story.

He doesn’t. He sees you as possible affair fodder or someone to wank over.

If he genuinely was a friend first with whom there had been some sexual crossover your perspective would be reasonable,

But because he isn’t responding to your cues or respecting your boundaries he has made it clear he is not your friend.

Therefore it’s not on you to smooth things over for him in case you bump into one another at a social event. He’s shat on his own doorstep and that’s on him. Not your rodeo.

@cheekyfucker21 deleting the messages is hiding what's going on.

If you're deleting messages you're in cheating territory.

I delete them as soon as he sends them and then disengage from the conversation. No hiding going on, as such. Just instant removal of message and disengage.

it gets worse...

you're deleting all the messages... omg what are you on ?!

Your poor partner TOM.. you have no respect for Him... at all .. WTAF

This cannot be real... I'm reporting this Thread

If you dont block him, you are just as much as dick as him FGS.

@thepeopleversuswork

Yeah I think you’re failing to get inside the mind of this guy.

You are assuming that he genuinely sees you as a friend with whom there’s a historical back story.

He doesn’t. He sees you as possible affair fodder or someone to wank over.

If he genuinely was a friend first with whom there had been some sexual crossover your perspective would be reasonable,

But because he isn’t responding to your cues or respecting your boundaries he has made it clear he is not your friend.

Therefore it’s not on you to smooth things over for him in case you bump into one another at a social event. He’s shat on his own doorstep and that’s on him. Not your rodeo.

Thank you - this makes sense

[quote cheekyfucker21]@WorraLiberty

I have controlled my own actions, by disengaging from and ignoring his attempts to start a sexualised conversation. That has been to date my chosen way of shutting it down. So I have controlled my actions. [/quote]
I would 100% consider your way of “controlling your actions” to be cheating. Either leave your partner or be loyal, that means not engaging in sexualised chat with other men, especially ones you used to sleep with. You could have shut this down YEARS ago and have actively chosen not to, even engaging in further conversation with him. 100% cheating.

Thank you, I've found your replies v helpful

Then my work here is done OP

I do feel for you, tying yourself in knots & getting anxiety about feeling responsible for someone else's behaviour.

This ... "niceness" is doing you no favours.
About 25% of me wants to give you a good hard sisterly shake.
The other 75% wants to wrap you in a bearhug & ask what happened to you in your early life to leave you so lacking in assertion & boundary-setting.

You really, really need to read the "Woman in your own right" book. May I also presume to suggest that you access some counselling?
You would blossom with the right, experienced counsellor, who would help you unpick why you get stuck when you feel your boundaries are being trampled, but are so ill-equipped to defend them.
The right counsellor would also help you practice exercises from the book - it's a goldmine of information & practical help.

Right missus. Have you fucked the sleazebag off yet?
You know nobody's going to stick you in the naughty corner if you lose your rag with him & indeed tell him to fuck right off, don't you?

A part of you is longing to do just that.
Go & find that missing part of you, & a counsellor to help you realign that part into the whole you.

@QueenBee52

This cannot be real... I'm reporting this Thread

Report it all you like. I'm a regular poster, I name changed for this

@ChargingBuck

Your kindness has moved me to actual tears. Thank you

@Mary1Mary

This is really common. I think we've probably all experienced it.

Just block the sleaze.

What @Mary1Mary said

Don't be silly. Just because you e known each other a long time doesn't give him the right to do what he wants and you have to accept if. Tell him to pack it in with the demands then when he doesn't, block him.

[quote cheekyfucker21]@ChargingBuck

Your kindness has moved me to actual tears. Thank you [/quote]
Reported

Either leave your partner or be loyal, that means not engaging in sexualised chat with other men, especially ones you used to sleep with.

I have not engaged in sexualised chat since being back with my partner. I am loyal to him. So this is completely unnecessary