To tell him to fuck right off?

[cheekyfucker21]

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

[quote ChargingBuck]No I didn't see that. I didn't believe that doing and saying absolutely nothing in response gave him the green light to continue tbh

He doesn't agree.
Pushy twats don't respond to polite avoidances - they use them to keep pushing their agenda.

And I genuinely struggle to tell people to leave me alone who make me feel that way.
Because, for whatever reason, you have a GIANT problem with boundaries.
Here's a toolkit to fix that -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

1. Watch the tea/consent video - several times
2. Block the annoying twat
3. Order the book linked above, & spend a lot of time reading it.

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21[/quote]

Thank you, I've found your replies v helpful

Again. I'm addressing the man's behaviour, not the OP's.

@UnGoogled

Again. I'm addressing the man's behaviour, not the OP's.

Block.. fixed that for you

@cheekyfucker21

Those that have (wrongly) concluded I am enjoying the attention are spectacularly missing the fact that I don't respond when he asks for pics and gives me compliments etc. If I was loving the attention I'd be loving that and engaging with it, surely It genuinely makes me uncomfortable. And I genuinely struggle to tell people to leave me alone who make me feel that way. Believe that or don't. It's the truth.

So why haven't you blocked him then?

From all of your posts it looks like you're making excuses.

Your partner deserves better.

Just cancel the cheque already, would you?

OP, when you are polite and have a general chat with him, realise that he is not talking to you to catch up. He is just warming you up for a cheeky request. He is not polite and nice, you do not need to be polite back to him and it is absolutely ok to block him. He's being sneaky and manipulative, and you are too kind and believe the best of people to see it.

You DH, who is much more important to you than Ben, would be very, very hurt if he saw these messages. Do you want to risk your marriage again?

This is fun, isn't it?

@UnGoogled

Thank you for assuring me I'm not at fault here. Part of my Op was to wonder if I had encouraged him by engaging with this type of chat with him previously and therefore that I was somehow at fault and deserving of this now. The multiple "you love the attention" comments just made me feel more like it was my fault. You've helped me see it's not so thank you

If I didn't want to block someone outright, I would give them one chance. Something like:

'Stop asking for pictures. I'm not going to send you any, ever. If you ask again, I will be blocking you. I don't want to resort to that, I've known you a long time. But we are both in settled relationships, and it's totally inappropriate'.

Then he has fair warning. I've done similar (for different reasons). He failed to take heed and now he's blocked and my life is better for it.

@cheekyfucker21

How do you think 'Tom' will feel if he knew this man was pestering you like this,

He would get angry and I honestly don't need that to deal with.

And yet knowing that you still won't just block this guy? Christ on a bike.

@UnGoogled

Fucking astronomical amount of victim blaming here.

Op has never engaged when the pervy bloke asks for pics. She hasn't blocked him, so she's to blame?! Typical bullshit, always taking the side of a man. This man, in particular, is married and knows OP had a baby and is happily back with her partner. But he still pesters her. She feels obligated to maintain a level of social niceties/contact. Pervy bloke is banking on that and clearly expects her to keep this exchange on the down low, so he can continue to perve with impunity.

It isn't OP's fault that the married man is a sex pest.

It isn't OP's fault.

Christ on a fucking bike.

Well quite, but it is the OP's fault that she hasn't clicked the little block button.

She can't control his actions but she can certainly control her own.

So your worried about being consider a dick when he is trying to instigate cheating, what do you think that makes him?

Why the heck are you concerned about how people will perceive you when he is the one being a dick

Makes no sense and sounds like an excuse

@Bluetrews25

Just cancel the cheque already, would you?

OP, when you are polite and have a general chat with him, realise that he is not talking to you to catch up. He is just warming you up for a cheeky request. He is not polite and nice, you do not need to be polite back to him and it is absolutely ok to block him. He's being sneaky and manipulative, and you are too kind and believe the best of people to see it.

You DH, who is much more important to you than Ben, would be very, very hurt if he saw these messages. Do you want to risk your marriage again?

Thank you.

No I don't want to risk what I have with Tom, I adore him

[quote cheekyfucker21]@UnGoogled

Thank you for assuring me I'm not at fault here. Part of my Op was to wonder if I had encouraged him by engaging with this type of chat with him previously and therefore that I was somehow at fault and deserving of this now. The multiple "you love the attention" comments just made me feel more like it was my fault. You've helped me see it's not so thank you [/quote]
Right, so now you see it's not your fault are you going to block him or not?

[quote cheekyfucker21]@UnGoogled

Thank you for assuring me I'm not at fault here. Part of my Op was to wonder if I had encouraged him by engaging with this type of chat with him previously and therefore that I was somehow at fault and deserving of this now. The multiple "you love the attention" comments just made me feel more like it was my fault. You've helped me see it's not so thank you [/quote]
I'm glad to have been helpful. Mumsnet can give us all a much needed wakeup call and help with perspectives on a variety of situations, but it's not always reliable. You are definitely not responsible for his reprehensible actions.

Those that have (wrongly) concluded I am enjoying the attention are spectacularly missing the fact that I don't respond when he asks for pics and gives me compliments etc.

But when he makes contact you reply as a mate with chit chat, even though you know where this is going to go.

I understand that you have boundary issues, and usually there's a backstory to that, but the only way to stop it is to block him before you see any more of his messages, just friendly or otherwise. he doesn't care what you think, why should you care what he thinks. And even if you did bump into him (IF you went back to your home town) then you ignore him. Or make sure you only talk to him with lots of other people there too.

@WorraLiberty

I have controlled my own actions, by disengaging from and ignoring his attempts to start a sexualised conversation. That has been to date my chosen way of shutting it down. So I have controlled my actions.

Okay this is how I see this.

You have had a 'thing' going with this guy for around 20 years.

You want to keep him as a 'friend' in case you meet at reunions etc.
So, you want to remain on civil terms.

However, he doesn't see it that way.
He doesn't 'get' that you ignoring him is a rejection.
He thinks if he keeps up the messaging, there may be a slight chance you will respond as he wants.

You need to push back.

The only thing he will understand is being blocked.

By not doing that, it looks as if the door is half open. He will keep pushing it.

Stop putting his feelings and the remote chance of some friends' reunion in the future as your reasons to be 'kind' to him.

Block him and don't make excuses.

@MakemeaCake

Your summary is spot on.

[quote cheekyfucker21]@WorraLiberty

I have controlled my own actions, by disengaging from and ignoring his attempts to start a sexualised conversation. That has been to date my chosen way of shutting it down. So I have controlled my actions. [/quote]
Are you going to block him?

@UnGoogled

Fucking astronomical amount of victim blaming here.

Op has never engaged when the pervy bloke asks for pics. She hasn't blocked him, so she's to blame?! Typical bullshit, always taking the side of a man. This man, in particular, is married and knows OP had a baby and is happily back with her partner. But he still pesters her. She feels obligated to maintain a level of social niceties/contact. Pervy bloke is banking on that and clearly expects her to keep this exchange on the down low, so he can continue to perve with impunity.

It isn't OP's fault that the married man is a sex pest.

It isn't OP's fault.

Christ on a fucking bike.

Not saying she is to blame, but she needs to own up to what she gets out of this.

@WorraLiberty you don't know from Adam but I do rather respect your relationship advice. I have not given the op my opinion over what she should do, because I felt like she was being raked over the coals in this thread and needed someone to be in her corner. She is struggling, I think.

@Feedingthebirds1

Huge backstory to the boundary issues. Not one I wish to get into.

You are definitely not responsible for his reprehensible actions

Of course not, but she IS responsible for her own inaction wrt blocking him, and that inaction could lead to problems in her relationship. I'm assuming she's hiding these messages from Tom?

He knows I was "chatting to an old flame" during this time. He didn't ask for content so I didn't share it at the time. He knows he pops up and says hi now and again. He doesn't know he demands pictures.

I feel a bit sorry for your boyfriend too.

You see women on here saying they've either had their husbands messages pop up on a shared device or they've gone looking husband is receiving sexual messages from someone they've been sexual with while on a small break but that they're still in touch and she's sending messaging asking for more nudes. People would tell her that he's probably still up to something, must still fancy her or be flattered or he'd have told her to piss off or block her. Then deleting messages is often a red flag too.

If your boyfriend for whatever reason saw a request for more nudes pop up, it could ruin what you have because it can look like you've been sneaky. What if his wife finds his messages to you and then tells your partner?

I'm not saying you are sneaky, just that I wouldn't even reply to his "how are you" bullshit because he doesn't care how you are, he wants you help him ejaculate and ignores your boundaries. He isn't a friend. Friends don't behave like that. I hope he's deleted your nudes.

If I found my husband was getting requests for dick pics from someone he has a sexual history with and instead of putting them straight and blocking, continued chatting to them. I'd think he was lying, especially if they didn't have the full message history to prove it was all one sided. If he tried the "we're just friends" excuse then I'd wonder why he wanted to be mates with someone with little respect for his boundaries and family.

Block him. What's so difficult about that?