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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 08/08/2021 22:15

@cheekyfucker21

Why are people reporting me? What exactly have I done wrong? Confused I came here for advice. This is just so messed up and unfair .
Don't take any notice. You will block him now, that's what counts. Hopefully that will be the end of it.
Notimeforaname · 08/08/2021 22:15

Ah I see you're blocking!
Good for you op.
I hope you feel good standing up for yourself. It's never nice to be treated like a piece of meat by anyone.

I had a few 'mates'like that too.

All fine and dandy if everyone is single and comfortable but this just shows him in a bad light and a bit of a creep. I feel for his wife.

UnGoogled · 08/08/2021 22:15

Aibu requires a fucking hazmat suit, I swear.

thenewduchessofhastings · 08/08/2021 22:15

He probably messages other women asking for pictures too;the chances if he hasn't already (and it's probable he has) he will cheat on his wife.

Unless she's naive then if she gets into his messages then ensure when she comes across yours she sees you've shut him down.

I feel sorry for his wife;what a disgusting sleazy git she's married.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:15

@Luckingfovely

But you've only engaged with those who are saying what you wanted to hear, not the other gazillion posts saying stop being a fool and just block him. It doesn't come across well, for you.

But glad to hear that you're finally going to do the right thing.

No, I have engaged with positive supportive posts as well as the more shitty negative ones. Look back at my replies and you will see that.

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 08/08/2021 22:15

I suspect he is only maintaining this friendship on the off chance you wil have a off day with your current partner and send him a pic. If every conversation ends with him asking, the writing is on the wall. He isn't your friend he is just casting his net and seeing who he can hook.

If you can't block politely ask him to stop asking. Tell him he is making yoi feel uncomfortable.

I would put money on you not hearing from him again.

Ginger1982 · 08/08/2021 22:16

Good. Now unfriend him too.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:16

@UnGoogled

Aibu requires a fucking hazmat suit, I swear.
😂
OP posts:
pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 22:16

Would you tell his wife? She deserves to know who she is married too

PaddleBoardingMomma · 08/08/2021 22:16

@UnGoogled

Aibu requires a fucking hazmat suit, I swear.
🤣
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:17

I actually feel really good, for asserting boundaries with a man which is something I find really hard. It's a good feeling!

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 08/08/2021 22:17

@covetingthepreciousthings

Block him, I'm surprised you haven't already..
This.
PaddleBoardingMomma · 08/08/2021 22:17

@pinkflamingo21

Would you tell his wife? She deserves to know who she is married too
Not her circus not her monkeys, don't put that pressure on her considering she's just struggled to do the very basics of blocking and deleting. Give her a break now maybe?
pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 22:17

@cheekyfucker21

I actually feel really good, for asserting boundaries with a man which is something I find really hard. It's a good feeling!
Well done
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:18

@pinkflamingo21

Would you tell his wife? She deserves to know who she is married too

I don't feel that's my place.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 22:18

@pinkflamingo21

Would you tell his wife? She deserves to know who she is married too
I actually wouldn't but only because it could backfire massively on the OP and cause problems for her relationship if her DP finds out, which is exactly what she's trying to avoid.
pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 22:18

Well she was letting that happen, that shows more on her character for being sneaky behind his wife

WTFuckery · 08/08/2021 22:18

Let's hope Ben doesn't bump into Tom and say .... what, exactly? "Mate i've been trying to get nude pics from intermittently for the past few years since you guys got back together and she ignores me every time I ask... fucking bitch she is". And you think Tom's response will be to be fucked off with me? Right. Ok.

More like a

"Hi Tom, just wanted to come and shake your hand and have a chat to make sure you're not feeling awkward"

"Awkward? Why would I need to feel awkward?"

"Oh, sorry, I thought you knew about the nudes, she hasn't mentioned our chats since you got back together? Sorry, didn't mean to cause trouble, I thought she'd have mentioned it and I didn't want any trouble"

saraclara · 08/08/2021 22:19

@cheekyfucker21

I haven't blocked him because the messages aren't constant - if they were I definitely would have. He just pops up now and again and usually it starts as "hi how are you" so I chat like I would a mate iyswim, then he chances his luck part way through the conversation with reference to either how I look or the pics I sent him in the past etc ... that's when I just ignore in the hope of shutting it down. Which I suppose works until next time. Urgh I don't know. I'm not being assertive enough I suppose
No, it doesn't work. Your not responding isn't sending any message at all, other than that you don't object to what he said.

FFS, just tell him that these requests/demands are not welcome. Then if he continues, block him

Why on earth would you not just send a message back the first time and say I’m happy in my relationship and that won’t be happening don’t ask again.

I have to agree with that. You're keeping him on a string and I have no idea why you would do that. You should have made it clear the first time that you are happy in tour marriage, and no, you won't be sending photos again.

Please tell me that those original photos aren't still in his possession?

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 22:19

This isn't your fault OP you've not led him on. You haven't discouraged him and some men take that as a sign it's ok to carry on. But yes, maybe shouldn't have chatted to him if you knew had form for asking for pics but he is the one doing the asking. It's not your fault he has no idea that what he's asking can make someone uncomfortable or he does and doesn't care

Tiana4 · 08/08/2021 22:19

@cheekyfucker21

I just pressed the block button Shock
Good for you

You don't owe anyone your time nor unfettered access to your mobile phone or anything else, to harass you. What a creep. He ought be ashamed.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 22:20

@cheekyfucker21

I actually feel really good, for asserting boundaries with a man which is something I find really hard. It's a good feeling!
Nice one!
saraclara · 08/08/2021 22:20

Sorry, missed that last page. I'm glad you've blocked him now.

UnGoogled · 08/08/2021 22:21

Well done op. Cake

Notimeforaname · 08/08/2021 22:21

cheekyfucker21
I actually feel really good, for asserting boundaries with a man which is something I find really hard. It's a good feeling!

Good for you op. I remember my first blocking.Grin I felt like a petty bitch but they were bothering me.

I've only started learning how to assert boundaries in the last couple years at the age if 34.
I've lost some people. And I feel all the lighter for itSmileNobody bothers me now. They dont get the chance to Wink

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