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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 08/08/2021 22:06

You may not have engaged with sexual chat, but nor have you in any way tried to stop it. That does make you complicit, on some level, compounded by the fact that you haven't told your partner, and so, on some level, are lying to him, if only by omission.

You are not an innocent victim in this; you have allowed it to go on repeatedly. Stop whinging about it, and block him... otherwise it's sounding more and more like you don't really want to lose the attention.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:07

[quote Flowers500]@cheekyfucker21 oh yeah I’m sure it wouldn’t end well at all for Ben, but unless your partner has zero standards you’d be begging to try to save your relationship…

Everyone is pissed at the affair partner, doesn’t mean the cheater is welcomed home with open arms…[/quote]

I have NOT cheated!!!!

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 08/08/2021 22:07

I’m going to report this thread, at this point really can’t believe you’re for real

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:07

@Flowers500 can you seriously just stop now, you are not helping

OP posts:
pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 22:08

I think your being deceitful to your partner

Pallisers · 08/08/2021 22:08

Block him.

Tell your partner what he has done and why you have blocked him.

don't think about it anymore.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 22:09

OP you say you haven't cheated but if you found out your partner was deleting messages from girls asking for dick pics and then continuing to engage in conversation, would you believe he was entirely innocent?

What about if he then confessed that he'd messed about with these girls when you were on a break?

Would you believe he hadn't cheated?

ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 22:09

@Flowers500

I’m going to report this thread, at this point really can’t believe you’re for real
ODFOD. Are you Ben?
bobandhisburgers · 08/08/2021 22:09

I agree with you OP, you haven't cheated. That's a bit of a leap. You do just need to block him. You don't need to send him a message. You just need to block him for good and get on with your life. You have a partner and a child to consider in this situation.

Luckingfovely · 08/08/2021 22:09

And you may not have have physically cheated, but you are still betraying your partner fundamentally by allowing this man to text you. 🙄

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:09

Why are people reporting me? What exactly have I done wrong? Confused I came here for advice. This is just so messed up and unfair .

OP posts:
HJ40 · 08/08/2021 22:10

OP, I gave you the benefit of the doubt for ages. But people have explained about blocking and the majority of moderate responses haven't accused you of anything. Therefore why haven't you just blocked him? Or told your partner about the weird behaviour. The more defensive you're getting the more it seems like you're trying to hide something.

I'm not saying that to have a go, it just honestly how it's now coming across to me the more you're posting. I'll believe you when you say nothing's happened because you've no reason to lie on here. But please, you have a child and a man you love. Block the arsehole and forget about him.

Tigertigertigertiger · 08/08/2021 22:10

I don’t know why you gave such a long post.

This is a very minor problem and fixable instantly.

Block him.

pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Luckingfovely · 08/08/2021 22:11

Because you haven't listened to a thing people have said, except those that are mollifying you... it's hard to believe you're for real.

Tallisimo · 08/08/2021 22:11

Don’t understand why you didn’t block him a long time ago. You know that’s what you need to do, right?

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:11

OK..... I'm off to block. I'm asserting my boundaries. Finally.

OP posts:
UnGoogled · 08/08/2021 22:12

Fighting against victim blaming is mollifying? Jfc.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:12

@Luckingfovely

Because you haven't listened to a thing people have said, except those that are mollifying you... it's hard to believe you're for real.

How do you know what I've listened to? I've read every single post. Just because I can't respond to every one, doesn't mean I haven't taken it all in.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 08/08/2021 22:12

I know you say youre not responding to him in a sexual way but he obviously see's this as ..''It doesn't make her uncomfortable and one of these times I might get lucky like the last time''

I understand avoiding confrontation I really do.

So perhaps a quick message to him saying that ship has sailed. Failing that..I'm sure your partner would happily tell him to piss off Grin

RosesandPumpkins · 08/08/2021 22:12

Fucking block him already!

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:13

@pinkflamingo21

Your being reported because your lying

Eh?! Ffs this is my actual genuine situation!! I have a bloody screenshot I can send if you'd like?!

OP posts:
category12 · 08/08/2021 22:13

PP- OP would you mind if your partner was in the same situation? With a woman he'd slept with,texting him like that? Would you not wonder why he refused to block her or tell her to stop?

OP - I would wonder why, yes.

OK, so keep following that train of thought - what would you want and expect your partner to have done instead in that situation?

Then do that.

Luckingfovely · 08/08/2021 22:14

But you've only engaged with those who are saying what you wanted to hear, not the other gazillion posts saying stop being a fool and just block him. It doesn't come across well, for you.

But glad to hear that you're finally going to do the right thing.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:15

I just pressed the block button Shock

OP posts: