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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is CF expectation

107 replies

Habber · 08/08/2021 17:04

Backstory is my kids DF (my ex) was a bit crap, had them once a week for 1 night, never took a day off if they were sick (even though he worked closer to school than I did) rarely helped with childcare during school holidays, never helped pay for any childcare while we both worked and gave bare minimum child support. His family never helped with kids and if he did ever take them on holiday in summer it was always in term time which was no help at all in terms of 6 week summer holidays.

Now he has a child under 5 and expects our older kids (over 16) to be his free childcare for their sibling all day during the holidays. Neither of my kids drive yet so there is a lot of back and forth with picking them up and dropping off. One of my children chose to say no thanks to it this year and under pressure from ex and older child has now given in. I was dragged into it when one of my kids was pressuring the other one to agree and now they aren’t speaking to me because I said he was being a CF.

AIBU to think you book your own paid for childcare like the rest of working parents have to? Just because you are family doesn’t mean they must babysit for you to save money?

OP posts:

starskey80 · 08/08/2021 17:21

What???
He is demanding his older kids take care of his youngest?

Definitely CF, your poor kids. Can you put them in summer camps or something to put a stop to this seen as they cant seem to refuse him?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 17:26

What a tosser. Support your children in saying NO.

Refuse to give lifts.

Tell him and his new partner to pay for their own damn childcare like everyone else.

Feedingthebirds1 · 08/08/2021 17:29

Definitely being a CF. And not even paying them, expecting it for free when he didn't pay what he should have done when they were children. And no doubt expecting you to pay the petrol costs so that they can oblige?

Have you explained to the one who's given in to pressure just what he was like? In a factual, not revenge, way? What would happen if you said the one who's going to do it had to make their own way there and back? (At their own expense - might make them realise what he's asking.)

LadyCluck · 08/08/2021 17:31

Complete CF behaviour!

I have two teen stepdaughters and whilst they love spending time with my two little ones I would never expect them to provide childcare.

He sounds like a deadbeat who couldn’t be bothered to parent the children he had with you and now he’s expecting others to step in for the younger ones.

EvilPea · 08/08/2021 17:34

What if yours managed to find summer jobs? Or wanted to study.
An afternoon here and there with a plan (and food) provided, absolutely fine and quite nice for all. But not this. He is taking the piss

AhNowTed · 08/08/2021 18:25

An ad hoc emergency filler, sure.

But full time FREE childcare. Tell him to pay like everyone else. And support your teens decision.

Better still, encourage them to get summer jobs so they're unavailable.

Original poster

Habber · 08/08/2021 18:27

They have jobs so this plan is shared around the days they work, leaving them very little spare time to do other things. This is in addition to being expected to spend time there on the weekend as well but with me providing their evening meals, driving around, the usual roof over their head costs and he doesn’t even give them £10 for their time either or a nice gift or treat or something thoughtful. He’s such a tight CF!!

they do like spending time with sibling sometimes but being stuck in with the child all day doing all things small child related can be boring and tiring. They can’t wait to leave when the parents get back. The sibling is badly behaved as very spoilt and they do struggle with that too

OP posts:

Original poster

Habber · 08/08/2021 18:31

The row was that one DC said no, and the other DC was stressed they would have no free time during the week due to work and babysitting so started pressurising them to help out. I did speak to him he claims they want to do it!

OP posts:

30degreesandmeltinghere · 08/08/2021 18:33

My older dc watch a younger one by choice. They reap the rewards and if they choose not to I have other options available.

NewPapaGuinea · 08/08/2021 18:33

Absolutely outrageous!

mbosnz · 08/08/2021 18:34

Absolute cheeky fucker. You talk to them and see if they want to do it - making it very clear that you fully support them either way, but most particularly if they don't want to.

And then ring him up and give him a bloody earful. Cheeky bastard. How dare he.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2021 18:36

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

What a tosser. Support your children in saying NO.

Refuse to give lifts.

Tell him and his new partner to pay for their own damn childcare like everyone else.

This. Looks as if the apple didn’t fall far from the tree with your eldest.

kitkatsky · 08/08/2021 18:37

Definitely a CF. If he was offering to pay then to do it then it would be different if they wanted to do it, but for free is just ridiculous

Billybagpuss · 08/08/2021 18:47

I think you need to sit your DC’s down and calmly with no pressure ask if they want to do it, and if so under what circumstances Eg. they will offer 1 day a week each but he has to provide meals and transport and a budget for entertainment.

My dd nannies during the school holidays and has a £50 pw entertainment budget, entry to soft Play, bird park, cinema that sort of thing. She rarely uses it but it’s there if she wants to.

Then you may have to intervene on their behalf as they clearly don’t say no to him very easily.

krustykittens · 08/08/2021 18:48

Defo CF! One of my daughter's friends was used like this. Dad had left her and her three siblings and started up a new family. She spent three summers living at their house, providing them with free full time childcare for nothing, because she loved her Dad and desperately wanted to be around him, whatever way she could. Didn't get paid a penny but basked in Daddy's attention. Then Daddy left the new girlfriend with two young children in very acrimonious circumstances and she won't let my daughter's friend see her younger siblings anymore as she wants nothing to do with the Dad, who isn't paying CM or bothering to see the children he created in his second family. Much the same way he treated his first. She is heartbroken and never sees her father now that he doesn't want anything from her. Put the foot down and say 'no'. Your children are family, not babysitters and should be treated as such. That means they spend time with their younger sibling with their Dad. They also deserve some free time in their week to live their own lives.

krustykittens · 08/08/2021 18:51

Just to be clear, when I say she spent three summers living at their house, she basically gave up her summer holidays from school to act as a free live-in nanny.

RandomMess · 08/08/2021 18:55

Stop facilitating it.

No lifts from you, not your circus not your monkeys.

TwoMuchTwoYoung · 08/08/2021 19:02

All three of you are being played.
Grow a backbone and stop enabling this behaviour and let your dc’s have their childhood and summer back.

Howshouldibehave · 08/08/2021 19:07

Wow-what a total piss taker this man is.

I can’t believe he’s persuaded them tbh. If he’s been a pretty shit dad to them, why do your teens want to waste their whole summer doing unpaid childcare?!

Notaroadrunner · 08/08/2021 19:09

Sit both teens down. Ask them to be honest and tell you if they really want to babysit for free. If they say no then tell them they do not have to do it and to just say no to their dad. If they want to do it then so be it, but you are not available to drive them anywhere to facilitate this.

Pallisers · 08/08/2021 19:10

My older teen is being paid 15 dollars an hour to mind a child for the summer. He is being a complete CF.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 08/08/2021 19:10

Refuse to drive them .
You are kinda facilitating this.

Phineyj · 08/08/2021 19:15

I think they need a summer course...in assertiveness. And to take their new found expertise to childcare.co.uk or Koru Kids and get properly paid!

Original poster

Habber · 08/08/2021 19:18

Older one absolutely will not be told or hear me on this. Totally on his side won’t hear anything but I know deep down they know it’s unreasonable expectation and it’s causing them stress. They can’t drive kids both ways as they are working so they either has to stay there and kind of be trapped there for days or comes home each evening and at least gets free time. I am stuck between at least helping them where I can or making it worse by refusing to give lifts and causing more stress for them.
When your kid’s are enmeshed like this with someone it’s so hard, I am always the bad guy. Younger one just wants a quiet life

OP posts:

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2021 19:20

The whole thing will fizzle out if you refuse to give lifts. Just stop. You hold all the cards, use them.

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