To think this is CF expectation

[Habber]

Backstory is my kids DF (my ex) was a bit crap, had them once a week for 1 night, never took a day off if they were sick (even though he worked closer to school than I did) rarely helped with childcare during school holidays, never helped pay for any childcare while we both worked and gave bare minimum child support. His family never helped with kids and if he did ever take them on holiday in summer it was always in term time which was no help at all in terms of 6 week summer holidays.

Now he has a child under 5 and expects our older kids (over 16) to be his free childcare for their sibling all day during the holidays. Neither of my kids drive yet so there is a lot of back and forth with picking them up and dropping off. One of my children chose to say no thanks to it this year and under pressure from ex and older child has now given in. I was dragged into it when one of my kids was pressuring the other one to agree and now they aren’t speaking to me because I said he was being a CF.

AIBU to think you book your own paid for childcare like the rest of working parents have to? Just because you are family doesn’t mean they must babysit for you to save money?

so they either has to stay there and kind of be trapped there for days

Sorry, but I would do this and they can stay there during the week until their dad could bring them back. Their choice to go, I certainly wouldn’t be using my petrol to facilitate it.

@Howshouldibehave

Wow-what a total piss taker this man is.

I can’t believe he’s persuaded them tbh. If he’s been a pretty shit dad to them, why do your teens want to waste their whole summer doing unpaid childcare?!

Somehow they feel sorry for him. He’s got money and a nice big house, we have always struggled and a lot of it was barriers he put in my way on purpose, he left me with kids almost full time and no money. We had some debts and he ran off to leave me to pay all of them from our house sale and kept all his portion of the share for himself, some of if was joint debt and they came after me, but some he had convinced me to put in my name (even though he had taken the items which related to the debt) and he is a horrible person. They feel guilty if they don’t help their sibling because I think they worry that he could block that access if he really wanted to

Tell your kids they should be out enjoying their summer holidays not babysitting for their father. If they decide to do so they should set a rate they expect to be paid for their time.

why are YOU facilitating this cheeky bastard using his own kids for childcare !?

STOP NOW

OP you really aren't helping here.

I under you think you are helping your children by proving lifts, but your not.

You're enabling your Ex's awful behaviour.

Truth is if they don't comply and he withdraws from them then perhaps that needs to happen.

They need to see the person he is not the father they want him to be.

It's his (and his partners) responsibility to source childcare not for his teen children to run themselves ragged to provide it.

You need to calmly tell them your not doing this any more.

His childcare issue should not be costing you time and money in the form of being a taxi service, end of.

If your kids kick off about that then let them. Stand firm.

Irrespective of if they want to do this or not, they don't get drag you into this.

It sounds really unhealthy that he's got everyone tip toeing around him.

You need to set the example to your children that they have no obligation to do this and neither do you.

I’d just stop enabling it. Fucking harsh, but why should you still be doing the wife work?

I’m not really use of the point of this post.

You are asking if someone who has been a cheeky lazy arse for years, is still being a cheeky arse; of course he is.

I’m amazed that someone who only saw his kids once a week has persuaded them to provide free childcare for him at the expense of their own summer and you are going to provide the petrol for it on top!

You don’t sound like you’re prepared to do anything to change the situation though which is perhaps the most surprising part of it all.

Just to add OP it's also not appropriate for you to enable your older child's manipulation of the younger.

If she wants to babysit fine.

But she doesn't get to guilt trip the younger enabled by you.

The whole thing is fucked up and you need to put your foot down.

@Howshouldibehave

so they either has to stay there and kind of be trapped there for days

Sorry, but I would do this and they can stay there during the week until their dad could bring them back. Their choice to go, I certainly wouldn’t be using my petrol to facilitate it.

How about if you refuse to drive them there in the first place?

Your DC will never get this time again, They should be seeing their friends and maybe getting some holiday work experience. Not providing full on childcare for under 5s. Occasional babysitting is one thing, but Its difficult to keep such young children entertained from 9-5 day in day out if you can't take them out. Its putting a lot of responsibility on teenagers.
Imagine if something happened? How would they feel then.
This father should be making proper provision, not using his own kids as free childcare for such long periods.

Well im on your side of course but if it was my girls i would be the bad guy if necessary and tell ex no if they don't want to do it buf if they didnt take me up on it then i wouldn't facilitate with lifts etc. That means if they have to stay over for days on end then so be it.

Right I have told them I am not helping and this takes the piss. DC said they did agree with me deep down but won’t say anything to him I also said again it was not ok to pressure people into things and I have said that a million times today already. I also told him it takes the piss but DC haven’t said this to him so I just look like an unhelpful cow.

@Habber

Right I have told them I am not helping and this takes the piss. DC said they did agree with me deep down but won’t say anything to him I also said again it was not ok to pressure people into things and I have said that a million times today already. I also told him it takes the piss but DC haven’t said this to him so I just look like an unhelpful cow.

You’ve done the right thing. Do you really care what your odious ex thinks of you?

That's awful. So he didn't step up for his older kids and have them in the holidays and now he expects them to do this for his younger kids. Just awful. I hope your children find the strength to say no

It's not your job to be helpful to him though is it?

Especially in light of his lack of help towards you when your children were small.

You're not an unhelpful cow, you're just rightly utterly disinterested in his childcare arrangements.

It has nothing to do with you and it's unreasonable for him or your children to expect you to subsidise his childcare by acting as a taxi service.

They need to step up and tell their dad they don't want to/can't do this and if they want to make you the fall guy here so what?

Who cares what he thinks?

What most important is standing up for yourself and setting an example about boundaries and not giving in to emotional blackmail to your children.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Your DC will never get this time again, They should be seeing their friends and maybe getting some holiday work experience. Not providing full on childcare for under 5s. Occasional babysitting is one thing, but Its difficult to keep such young children entertained from 9-5 day in day out if you can't take them out. Its putting a lot of responsibility on teenagers. Imagine if something happened? How would they feel then. This father should be making proper provision, not using his own kids as free childcare for such long periods.

This ^^

When mine were /are 16, the summer after GCSEs they are out getting lovely part time jobs, (if COVID restrictions allowing) going out with their friends/ hanging round in each other's gardens / trips to beach or local parks. Cycling round. They are having fun because it's a long time working/studying the rest of the time.

Your exH is expecting them to give up their time to convenience him for free to take care of his young children as unpaid childcare? And he was an absent and financially abusive/absent father? All of this is so wrong- he's continuing to financially exploit his teenage children.
I would step in as a parent and say No this isn't happening. They have 4 weeks left of their school summer holidays, let them enjoy them!!! Tell Dad to bog off and go employ someone

Have you really been honest with your teen about how he/she is being used? It’s probably time to be honest as much as it will hurt.

The other approach might be to find some alternative activity for your teen this summer. Some sort of class or activity that means he/she has an easy excuse to stop being the free babysitter. There are lots of fun things out there that cover a wide variety of interests.

You've done the right thing. Stop facilitating this. Tell your dc to say they're working or on standby for work. Unfortunately you'll probably end up being the bad guy in ex's eyes but fuck him!

Has anyone had an ex like this. So good at making me look bad. It’s so hard. No I don’t care one bit what he thinks, I only care about my kids but he’s done such a good job of making me look like I am a petty unreasonable cow when I try stand up for me or them so my words fall on deaf ears and it is so frustrating, they end up feeling like I am trying to speak badly about him and being unfair. I have no skin in this game to be honest it’s not my problem, just that after all these years he’s now got something new to manipulate his kids with - their sibling

You think you look unreasonable but to anyone not being manipulated by him you definitely don’t look unreasonable.

Kindly OP,

You have been utterly failing your children for facilitating and allowing them to be used by this man.

Do you wish them to grow up as complete doormats?

I'm glad to read you have now said No.

Verbalise clearly that YOU will NOT be used.

Nor will you facilitate in any way their bei g used either.

Be firm, strong, completely unapologetic for your stance.

Model NOT being a doormat to your children.

@Habber

Has anyone had an ex like this. So good at making me look bad. It’s so hard. No I don’t care one bit what he thinks, I only care about my kids but he’s done such a good job of making me look like I am a petty unreasonable cow when I try stand up for me or them so my words fall on deaf ears and it is so frustrating, they end up feeling like I am trying to speak badly about him and being unfair. I have no skin in this game to be honest it’s not my problem, just that after all these years he’s now got something new to manipulate his kids with - their sibling

OP you need to disengage from him.

You say you've spoken to him about this. Don't speak to him. There is nothing you need to talk about. Your children are teens and you step back. Block him.

You don't have to say bad things about him or criticise.

You just need to be clear to your children that their relationship with their father isn't your responsibility to facilitate given their age.

He needs to make the running with them.

His life is of no concern of yours whatsoever. His problems are not your (or theirs) to solve.

He can only manipulate you if you engage with him, even via your children. So stop engaging.

You can't control him using their half sibling against them if he chooses to do this. You can't stop him.

All you can do by engaging is enable him to continue to have a hold over you.

@billy1966

Kindly OP,

You have been utterly failing your children for facilitating and allowing them to be used by this man.

Do you wish them to grow up as complete doormats?

I'm glad to read you have now said No.

Verbalise clearly that YOU will NOT be used.

Nor will you facilitate in any way their bei g used either.

Be firm, strong, completely unapologetic for your stance.

Model NOT being a doormat to your children.

Thanks Have raised them single handedly pretty much alone never asked him for anything, have stood up for them when they were smaller, tried to teach them how to be kind people, have supported them in all the things they have done, been to every parents evening and sports day and made an effort with their friends, thrown them birthday parties and let them be individuals with their own minds and tried to teach them to be strong and independent, hearing i still have failed them is awful to be honest. I did not know he would do this to them, I was really young mum and he seemed like a good dad when they were young he’s angry with me and I tried to protect them from that but now they are older it’s hard you job isn’t done, but it also is done and the sibling isn’t my child I am not responsible for this. Getting my kids to see that we aren’t some large happy extended family isn’t easy as I think that’s what they would like to have

Very wise words @DeRigueurMortis. Remember the words of another wise woman, No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

Completely agree with @DeRigueurMortis - make sure your DCs know you love them and they have your support (which I'm sure they do know) but be clear with them that you're disengaging and it's up to your ex and the DCs to sort things directly.

I would also bluntly tell them that he's out of order and taking advantage but if they're prepared to let that happen, then that's on them. He really does sound vile.