Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she had this baby out of spite?

577 replies

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 14:36

Name changed because on the off chance the woman in question uses MN i don't want her knowing who i am by my posting history.

I'll call her Sarah.

Sarah was in a relationship with 'John' and the pair had a child. After 6 years together the relationship came to an end - but during the final 2 years of the relationship Sarah had multiple terminations of unplanned pregnancies because she didn't want more children and the pair were growing apart. The split, however, was instigated by her.

They broke up and 18 months later John met and began a relationship with somebody else. They got engaged and conceived a baby.

Sarah then decided she wanted him back after all.

At this point Sarah became even more difficult (think using her existing child as a weapon)

When Johns partner was heavily pregnant Sarah orchestrated a situation whereby she and John would be alone together, think special occasion under the guise of being for their child's benefit. Alcohol was involved.

Sarah made a pass at John, and because John is a selfish idiot and wasn't getting much 'action' at home with his heavily pregnant fiance, he reciprocated and they had a one night stand. John claims Sarah told him she was on the contraceptive implant so they didn't need to use a condom. John didn't question it and was happy to proceed without.

Soon after, very soon indeed, almost as if she was waiting to test, Sarah tells John she's pregnant and wants him to get back together with her "for their family" and try again.

John doesn't want to re-enter the relationship and wants to stay with his then current partner, who was expected to give birth any day.

Sarah decides that actually 'now' (then) is the perfect time to bring another child into the world and she would be having the baby regardless. Issues ultimatums. Briefly stops contact between John and his existing child when John says he doesn't want another.

Bare in mind that before the relationship ended, Sarah was adamant she didn't want any more children and exercised her right to terminate multiple pregnancies because the time wasn't right and the relationship was failing. It was only after seeing John settling down with somebody else she changed her mind.

Johns partner found out and was understandably crushed, now years later has to co-parent and see that (yes totally innocent) child on a regular basis.

WIBU to believe that Sarah, with all of the above taken into consideration, had this child out of spite?

OP posts:
LoverOfLight · 08/08/2021 15:51

I had meant to add - do you think it's typical for women to have multiple abortions, especially women not living chaotic lifestyles who are settled down, already have a child etc?

You honestly just need to let. it. go. You are clearly, whoever you are, so invested in this situation and you need to stop. It is only damaging and it is mostly damaging to yourself.

Let it go.

BritWifeInUSA · 08/08/2021 15:51

@Nineteeneightynine

Do you even know who was the driving force behind her previous decisions to terminate?

Yes, her decision every time.

Oh he told you that or she did?

Let me guess. He told you that she initiated the break-up and also decided to terminate the pregnancies. The man who cheated on you whilst you were heavily pregnant would think nothing of lying to you about the personal details of his previous relationship to make him appear to be the poor victim of manipulative and controlling Sarah.

C’mon, OP. Stop kidding yourself.

Kanaloa · 08/08/2021 15:51

Maybe in future rather than speculating on Sarah’s possible spitefulness you could give John’s partner some support as she’s engaged to someone who is so easily manipulated into cheating on her when he isn’t ‘getting much action’ at home.

Sabrinathemiddleagedwitch38 · 08/08/2021 15:51

Yes to answer your question, it does sound like she had the baby out of spite. But that's irrelevant really because no matter how vile and conniving she is, her plan never would have worked if John had managed to keep his cock in his pants. So in that respect they are both as bad as each other and johns new wife is a fool to stay with him and have to live with this everyday.

Original poster
Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 15:52

@SaharaFlower

I am a person with Aspergers and I don't behave like a dog on heat. Confused
That may well be, but you are probably much more likely to take somebody at face value if they tell you matter of factly there is no risk of pregnancy because they are on contraception.
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 08/08/2021 15:53

@Nineteeneightynine

Funny how the LDs and AS made an appearance only after after endless "Sarah orchestrated", "Sarah decided" and "Sarah wanted" failed to convince anyone that Sarah was responsible for John shitting on his family.

Is it?

I can assure you those things have always applied however don't absolve him of responsibility, are relevant to mention when people scoff at the implication there was any manipulation.

Yes, it is.

You were making outright claims of manipulation and orchestration from the first post. They didn't convince us, so now you're weaponising the LDs and AS.

He can clearly function at a high enough level to be as completely responsible for this mess as anyone else. Your insistence on blaming Sarah, even reaching for whether she's "spiteful" to have refused to abort, is probably one reason why he behaves this way. Why wouldn't he, when he's got you to tell him constantly that it's not his fault?

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2021 15:54

"as completely responsible for this mess as anyone else in his situation would be", I meant. The situation is entirely of John's making.

toocold54 · 08/08/2021 15:54

It is very offensive, unless you are Sarah herself, to say that there was "categorically" no abuse.

I’d also say it’s very offensive and dangerous to imply that someone got the other person so drunk they didn’t know what they were doing and manipulated them because of a disability into having sex with them as that’s sexual assault at least and that’s obviously not what happened here.

FunTimes2020 · 08/08/2021 15:55

What a mess. Poor kids.
And yabu for using the word "think" twice the way you did.

SimonJT · 08/08/2021 15:55

So now the thread isn’t going OPs way OP is now saying John was sexually assaulted.

How very classy to make light of both sexual assault, ASD and learning difficulties.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/08/2021 15:55

This is nothing to do with you.

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2021 15:55

That may well be, but you are probably much more likely to take somebody at face value if they tell you matter of factly there is no risk of pregnancy because they are on contraception.

He's conceived enough kids to know how it happens. Anyway, would this have been OK if Sarah hadn't got pregnant?

Stop blaming the woman for having a uterus. It's John's fault. The child is now three so it's high time he took some responsibility.

toocold54 · 08/08/2021 15:56

That may well be, but you are probably much more likely to take somebody at face value if they tell you matter of factly there is no risk of pregnancy because they are on contraception.

Every teenager I know who has Aspergers knows that no contraception is 100% effective. If he isn’t aware of that then it’s not his Aspergers that is to blame.

Original poster
Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 15:57

The man who cheated on you whilst you were heavily pregnant would think nothing of lying to you about the personal details of his previous relationship to make him appear to be the poor victim of manipulative and controlling Sarah.

I'm not in the business of having sex with family members but thank you for your contribution.

OP posts:
Kithic · 08/08/2021 15:58

@Nineteeneightynine

Maybe John coerced her into terminating those pregnancies and she felt able to keep this one because she wasn't under John's control any more. Did you think of that?

That was categorically not the case.

How do you know this with such certainty?

Unless you are either john or sarah, then you cannot know exactly what happened

AnnunciataZ · 08/08/2021 15:58

Maybe John should’ve considered wearing a condom? Even if she told him she was on the implant, there’s still the possibility of STIs. He sounds like a dick and tbh his current partner would be better off without him.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 08/08/2021 15:59

@Nineteeneightynine ah so "john" is a family member. Explains why you place the blame on "sarah" for his shitty decisions.

SaharaFlower · 08/08/2021 15:59

@NineteeneightynineNineteen: No, I wouldn't. Not any contraception is without failure rates. When having sex, I realise there is a possibility I will be pregnant. Also, I was using contraception and I am pregnant now. Confused

Treezan82 · 08/08/2021 15:59

People have babies for lots of reasons, you have no way of knowing hers but of course it isn't "spite". Surely you realise what it takes to have and raise a child. Also, women can have abortions then decide to have a child afterwards - I'm very uncomfortable with your insinuation that this isn't the case.

Treezan82 · 08/08/2021 16:00

Also John sounds like an absolute prick.

Original poster
Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 16:00

@SimonJT

So now the thread isn’t going OPs way OP is now saying John was sexually assaulted.

How very classy to make light of both sexual assault, ASD and learning difficulties.

Don't be so fucking ridiculous.

Nobody is suggesting there was any sexual assault.

Two consenting adults in drink made the decision to have sex.

However, I do believe she deliberately lied about being on contraception.

Aside being a cheat, he is considerably more gullible than somebody unlike him who might question that when told.

Please don't accuse me of implying there has been sexual assault. That is quite grim.

OP posts:
DeflatedGinDrinker · 08/08/2021 16:01

Yabu John's the idiot. Womans a moron for staying with him. Bet he's cheated more than once.

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2021 16:01

@Nineteeneightynine

The man who cheated on you whilst you were heavily pregnant would think nothing of lying to you about the personal details of his previous relationship to make him appear to be the poor victim of manipulative and controlling Sarah.

I'm not in the business of having sex with family members but thank you for your contribution.

Oh get off, there are enough disingenuous posts from you already. You know that person thought you were the new partner.

Anyway, you don't get to pull the superior, butter-wouldn't-melt stuff after you start a misogynistic and prurient thread.

Gazelda · 08/08/2021 16:01

OP, this happened more than 3 years ago.

Neither sarah nor John come out of this in a positive light, the way you have written it.

The second Partner of John's was betrayed at the most vulnerable time possible.

You claim to be none of the 3 parties.

You can't possibly know the full story behind what happened.

You don't seem to be posting this in an attempt at finding ways to support any of the 3. Which implies that you are nothing more than a judgmental gossip.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2021 16:01

I don't know if I'd use the word 'spite' unless she actually didn't want a child and did it with the sole specific intent of 'getting back' at John or Fiancee. Which would be pretty damned stupid considering that she is the one who is most likely raising the child on her own the majority of the time. I'd call that cutting off one's nose to spite one's face.

I'd say it's more likely that she did it to try and get John back or because she wanted a 2nd child with the same father. Both are pretty foolish in and of themselves.

John's a real prick and both women are monumentally stupid to want anything to do with him.