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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she had this baby out of spite?

577 replies

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 14:36

Name changed because on the off chance the woman in question uses MN i don't want her knowing who i am by my posting history.

I'll call her Sarah.

Sarah was in a relationship with 'John' and the pair had a child. After 6 years together the relationship came to an end - but during the final 2 years of the relationship Sarah had multiple terminations of unplanned pregnancies because she didn't want more children and the pair were growing apart. The split, however, was instigated by her.

They broke up and 18 months later John met and began a relationship with somebody else. They got engaged and conceived a baby.

Sarah then decided she wanted him back after all.

At this point Sarah became even more difficult (think using her existing child as a weapon)

When Johns partner was heavily pregnant Sarah orchestrated a situation whereby she and John would be alone together, think special occasion under the guise of being for their child's benefit. Alcohol was involved.

Sarah made a pass at John, and because John is a selfish idiot and wasn't getting much 'action' at home with his heavily pregnant fiance, he reciprocated and they had a one night stand. John claims Sarah told him she was on the contraceptive implant so they didn't need to use a condom. John didn't question it and was happy to proceed without.

Soon after, very soon indeed, almost as if she was waiting to test, Sarah tells John she's pregnant and wants him to get back together with her "for their family" and try again.

John doesn't want to re-enter the relationship and wants to stay with his then current partner, who was expected to give birth any day.

Sarah decides that actually 'now' (then) is the perfect time to bring another child into the world and she would be having the baby regardless. Issues ultimatums. Briefly stops contact between John and his existing child when John says he doesn't want another.

Bare in mind that before the relationship ended, Sarah was adamant she didn't want any more children and exercised her right to terminate multiple pregnancies because the time wasn't right and the relationship was failing. It was only after seeing John settling down with somebody else she changed her mind.

Johns partner found out and was understandably crushed, now years later has to co-parent and see that (yes totally innocent) child on a regular basis.

WIBU to believe that Sarah, with all of the above taken into consideration, had this child out of spite?

OP posts:

MintMatchmaker · 08/08/2021 16:02

LD and AS aren’t barriers to using contraception. Maybe Sarah’s actions were planned and spiteful but her plan would not have succeeded if John had used a condom.

user1498572889 · 08/08/2021 16:03

John should take responsibility for his own contraception regardless of what Sarah said. Has he not heard of STI’s. John is a selfish wanker.

SimonJT · 08/08/2021 16:03

By saying he isn’t capable of questioning things or making independent decisions about contraception you are telling us he does not have the capacity to consent to sex, so in that case either any sexual activity with another person is sexual assault due to the fact that he can’t consent, or you’re making one last attempt to make him look innocent and a victim by lying.

LoverOfLight · 08/08/2021 16:03

I’d also say it’s very offensive and dangerous to imply that someone got the other person so drunk they didn’t know what they were doing and manipulated them because of a disability into having sex with them as that’s sexual assault at least and that’s obviously not what happened here

Here here. But clearly Saint John is no capable of any transgressions at all so it must be true

OP just give it up. If you are his mother, sibling, whatever, try and see sense. Why the baby was conceived of the emotions behind it are so far beyond irrelevant. The child is 3 years old FFS!

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 16:03

How do you know this with such certainty? Unless you are either john or sarah, then you cannot know exactly what happened

I know her well.

My belief that she could be spiteful or manipulative isn't plucked out of thin air..

He has been an idiot, selfish, reckless, behaved atrociously and has caused alot of damage to those around him but she is definitely no angel.

OP posts:

TatianaBis · 08/08/2021 16:04

However, I do believe she deliberately lied about being on contraception

Why do you care?

John deliberately lied to his partner about having sex with Sarah when she was pregnant.

toocold54 · 08/08/2021 16:04

However, I do believe she deliberately lied about being on contraception.

She could have been on contraception though.

No method of contraception is 100% which is why if you’re certain you don’t want a pregnancy to occur using both a condom and a normal method like the implant is best.
I got pregnant whilst on the pill.

Why is it so hard for you to understand that John willing had sex knowing unless he wore a condom there’s a chance she’d get pregnant.

TatianaBis · 08/08/2021 16:05

He has been an idiot, selfish, reckless, behaved atrociously and has caused alot of damage to those around him but she is definitely no angel.

That makes it alright then.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 08/08/2021 16:05

John needed a Jonny

LoverOfLight · 08/08/2021 16:05

I have this gut wrenching feeling that you are resentful of this child because of his mother and the circumstances around their conception. I pray that's not true but I can fully imagine it given how important those circumstances clearly are to you.

OaxacaChihuahua · 08/08/2021 16:06

John and Sarah sound like utter horrors who deserve each other.

I would say that John, having gotten Sarah pregnant multiple times which ended in termination, was stupid beyond belief to not use a condom.

Also, if Sarah was acting from spite she had a decent dose of luck if she managed to get pregnant from one hook up. Maybe John is lying and they had sex multiple times.

Who are these people to you? They sound grim.

TatianaBis · 08/08/2021 16:06

What are you hoping for from this thread OP?

You think Sarah is spiteful. No-one else cares.

Kanaloa · 08/08/2021 16:06

Fine, you’re right op. Poor John, being seduced and lied to by horrible Sarah. She probably did it on purpose to try and steal him away from his lovely pregnant fiancé. There’s nothing he could have done, he couldn’t be expected to know that unprotected sex with the mother of his first child might lead to pregnancy. He’s not to blame, the poor lovey-duck. Maybe you could sit him down and explain that’s why Sarah had all the terminations before.

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2021 16:06

@Nineteeneightynine

How do you know this with such certainty? Unless you are either john or sarah, then you cannot know exactly what happened

I know her well.

My belief that she could be spiteful or manipulative isn't plucked out of thin air..

He has been an idiot, selfish, reckless, behaved atrociously and has caused alot of damage to those around him but she is definitely no angel.

Why are you so anxious to pin blame on her, if you really do believe he has behaved so atrociously?

If he's going to keep being idiotic, selfish, reckless and atrocious, and you're going to keep telling him it's not his fault, expect him to do the bidding of many more non-angels to come. Enjoy!

tigger1001 · 08/08/2021 16:07

@Nineteeneightynine

John is a bastard of the highest order, no doubt about that.

He is totally responsible for the infidelity and not taking precautions on his side to avoid a pregnancy.

However, he was deliberately mislead into believing that there was no chance of a baby being conceived because she was on the implant.

He should not have cheated. No baby conceived then.

He cannot blame the other woman saying he thought she wouldn't get pregnant. He needs to take responsibility for his actions

toocold54 · 08/08/2021 16:08

I completely agree.
OP you are implying he was manipulated into having unprotected sex.
He was more than capable of saying no to having sex or putting a condom on first.

How would you feel if Sarah had come on here saying the same thing how she was given lots of alcohol and put in a situation where she was alone with him while he knew she didn’t have the mental capacity to understand the consequences.

Nicolastuffedone · 08/08/2021 16:08

Your partner is a cheat. He’s also very stupid. He knew his partner, Sarah had had ‘multiple’ terminations, yet he still didn’t take any precautions himself because he stupidly believed her. Up to you what you do…

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 16:09

@SimonJT

No, you're twisting what I said and running away with it.

I was explaining that he takes things literally and thinks very much in black and white.

She told him she was on the implant, he aautomatically believed her.

To him: implant = no risk of pregnancy.

Somebody less stupid gullible may have questioned that and chosen to wear a condom just incase.

She was clearly not on the implant.

It's no secret what we think of his part in things, but she is absolutely not innocent in all of this and that shone through in her behaviour before and after the fact.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 16:09

@Nicolastuffedone

Please read my posts I'm NOT his partner.

OP posts:

Jux · 08/08/2021 16:10

So nobody among John's close relatives - mother father? - bothered to tell him that he's responsible for his own fertility? That if he doesn't want a child then he uses a condom or keeps his flies done up?

TatianaBis · 08/08/2021 16:11

Unless he's technically actually mentally afflicted OP, he could have figured out she may not be telling the truth no?

Indeed, she may have been telling the truth.

toocold54 · 08/08/2021 16:11

The child is 3 years old FFS!

I’d say it’s quite weird that you are still holding on to this resentment from 3+ years ago. Surely even if John felt this way at the time he would have gotten over it by now.

Does John have contact with Sarah and the child?

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2021 16:12

Aside being a cheat, he is considerably more gullible than somebody unlike him who might question that when told.

And do you think 'questioning' it is any sort of protection against pregnancy or STIs?

The responsibility here lies with both John and Sarah.

If John didn't want Sarah to get pregnant, he should've worn a condom, which would at least have cut the chances down considerably.

Asking questions doesn't stop pregnancy.

TatianaBis · 08/08/2021 16:12

Nobody but his partner would be this invested OP. Unless they have an empty life.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 08/08/2021 16:12

OP is 100% John's lucky lucky new woman

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