To think she had this baby out of spite?

[Nineteeneightynine]

Name changed because on the off chance the woman in question uses MN i don't want her knowing who i am by my posting history.

I'll call her Sarah.

Sarah was in a relationship with 'John' and the pair had a child. After 6 years together the relationship came to an end - but during the final 2 years of the relationship Sarah had multiple terminations of unplanned pregnancies because she didn't want more children and the pair were growing apart. The split, however, was instigated by her.

They broke up and 18 months later John met and began a relationship with somebody else. They got engaged and conceived a baby.

Sarah then decided she wanted him back after all.

At this point Sarah became even more difficult (think using her existing child as a weapon)

When Johns partner was heavily pregnant Sarah orchestrated a situation whereby she and John would be alone together, think special occasion under the guise of being for their child's benefit. Alcohol was involved.

Sarah made a pass at John, and because John is a selfish idiot and wasn't getting much 'action' at home with his heavily pregnant fiance, he reciprocated and they had a one night stand. John claims Sarah told him she was on the contraceptive implant so they didn't need to use a condom. John didn't question it and was happy to proceed without.

Soon after, very soon indeed, almost as if she was waiting to test, Sarah tells John she's pregnant and wants him to get back together with her "for their family" and try again.

John doesn't want to re-enter the relationship and wants to stay with his then current partner, who was expected to give birth any day.

Sarah decides that actually 'now' (then) is the perfect time to bring another child into the world and she would be having the baby regardless. Issues ultimatums. Briefly stops contact between John and his existing child when John says he doesn't want another.

Bare in mind that before the relationship ended, Sarah was adamant she didn't want any more children and exercised her right to terminate multiple pregnancies because the time wasn't right and the relationship was failing. It was only after seeing John settling down with somebody else she changed her mind.

Johns partner found out and was understandably crushed, now years later has to co-parent and see that (yes totally innocent) child on a regular basis.

WIBU to believe that Sarah, with all of the above taken into consideration, had this child out of spite?

And regardless of who she is in the sorry, she’s a gossiping disgrace. It’s appalling the way she is calling Sarah spiteful for having a baby, and excising John via drip feeds of ASD and blaming Sarah.

*story

Just switch it all off OP. I'm sure your lovely.

@Lumpwoody

And regardless of who she is in the sorry, she’s a gossiping disgrace. It’s appalling the way she is calling Sarah spiteful for having a baby, and excising John via drip feeds of ASD and blaming Sarah.

Hahaha along with lots of AIBU posters then, I'm in the right place

Nice your laughing about this mess when there’s kids caught up in this shitshow.

Well if you know her well enough to know the ins and outs of her relationship (who ended it, the terminations and whose choice they were) and her contraception choices, then why not ask her yourself if she had the baby “out of spite”.

John thought enough to ask about contraception but not enough to not fuck another woman and cheat on his heavily pregnant fiance? Oh John....

@Lumpwoody

Nice your laughing about this mess when there’s kids caught up in this shitshow.

I'm laughing at your aspersions of me, not the shit situation the children are stuck in. Thanks.

Of course you are.

Just like you didn’t get off on a good gossip about it either.

When they couldn't berate me for the role I've played in the actual situation, they've taken to berating me for discussing it and having an opinion.

If you were John, Sarah, ex gf, new gf etc you wouldn’t actually be getting berated as much as it would be something to do with you and you’d know some of the information.

But you’ve said you’re not any of these people so essentially it’s none of your business and it’s clear that you feel Sarah has been manipulative etc but actually have no idea of her side of the story as you’re not involved.

You can’t be so one sided if you’re not actually involved.

@BritWifeInUSA

Well if you know her well enough to know the ins and outs of her relationship (who ended it, the terminations and whose choice they were) and her contraception choices, then why not ask her yourself if she had the baby “out of spite”.

Do you think she would admit to having the child out of spite? Least of all now, years later, when that baby is now a loved three year old?

If you were John, Sarah, ex gf, new gf etc you wouldn’t actually be getting berated as much as it would be something to do with you and you’d know some of the information

Well that's not true, is it?

I was very much getting berated on the grounds of being John's partner, for pages, until I made it clear that I wasn't.

Then I was getting berated for being John.

Then John's mother, etc...

OP it would help if you said who you were and how you know so many details of their relationship before they broke up like the terminations and how you know what happened the night they had sex like when she told him she was on the implant etc.

Well that's not true, is it?

That’s because you’ve not admitted it.
If you admitted you were John’s new gf or the ex then you may be berated for thinking you know Sarah’s side of the story when you obviously can’t know that only what John told you.

Look, other posters have covered the most salient points so I'll focus on what I (a random stranger on the internet) think you ought to do.

Have a frank conversation with your brother about how contraception is never 100% effective, and the best way to avoid an unwanted pregnancy/STI is both condoms and hormonal contraception.

He sounds like a shit, but you can't help who you're related to - I'm sorry your brother is so awful, and I'm sorry his ex is also awful (although obvs not anywhere near as bad as him, cheating on a heavily pregnant woman is utterly abhorrent).

I saw you're related to poor innocent little lost lamb John he doesn't know how to use a condom and is equally responsible for the situation.
His current partner should have got rid of his spineless arse.

Threads like this remind me why we need to tell our sons that no contraceptive is 100% guaranteed to work every single time. Certainly some are better than others, but at the end of the day, don’t have sexual intercourse with women of children-bearing age and be surprised if they get pregnant. These men need to prepared to be there and support their child for the rest of their lives emotionally and financially.

The sooner all men realise this, and all women realise that this is the minimum we should expect of men, then the better our society will be.

You don’t accidentally get so drunk you fall into your exes vagina and ejaculate unwillingly. John needs to stop pretending he’s hard done by and realise he’s a made a mistake and he has to face up to his responsibilities. His family need to stop blaming his ex for it, it doesn’t matter if she’s not emotionally stable, two people make a baby.

@Nineteeneightynine

Mumsnet is such a fickle place and changes like the wind.

Based on my experience of using the site for several years, I just know for a fact that if I were Sarah and I posted about this from her POV I would be torn to shreds.

"You can't use a baby to get somebody back"

"What was you thinking"

"You clearly have no self respect"

"If I were you I would consider my options, I wouldn't bring another child into this"

Basically, whoever is posting gets flamed irrespective of their position and who they are in the situation.

I am not John, Sarah or John's partner - I am essentially an innocent bystander - yet some of you have had a good go at ripping me to shreds

Oh well sorry I didnt rip you apart because amazingly this is not all about you.

There are children in this whole sorry shitshow, they are more important than if you were ripped a new one, they are far more important than gossiping about their parents and the reasons why they came into this world unwillingly.
None of this is their fault, and if you really are a family member you should quit gossiping and teach bloody John to keep his penis out of women, probably permanently if this is the end result.

So, who are you?

If a woman is pregnants it's up to her what she does about it. John is a twat and should have kept his weiner to himself. This situation is entirely his fault, no matter how much he presents it as sarah "engineering" things. He could have walked away from her at any point.

I know 2 seperate senarios where men have children with 2 women in whom the pregnacies over lapped. John obviously has a problem with gwtting women pregnant unintentionally

@Nineteeneightynine : It is offensive to claim we with AS are gullible.

John should have kept it in his pants and thought about his heavily pregnant gf 🤷‍♀️

So she's had multiple pregnancies terminated, but John believed she was using contraception?

He was happy to cheat and he got burnt!

Served him right!

@LemonViolet

Are you John’s new partner OP?

John is not some innocent victim of a controlling spiteful man eater. John is a cheating arsehole who had unprotected sex with his ex whilst his partner was heavily pregnant, what an absolute scumbag thing to do, I can’t see why any self respecting woman would stay in a relationship with him after finding that out. Even aside from the cheating on pregnant partner, any man not wearing a condom during sex is taking the risk of becoming a father. That’s how it works. He has the option to control his own fertility and he didn’t.

Sarah’s reasoning for continuing her pregnancy is no business of anyone else, and John’s new partner would be much better off dumping his scumbag cheating ass and then she would never need to worry about Sarah’s baby, it’s nothing to do with her.

Cheers for this poster

Would like to know who OP is in this scenario!