Unfriendly groups

[Imtootired]

I’ve been part of a group for a while. It’s a political party, mainstream left wing. I haven’t gone to events for a while. The local group I’m in is shutting down and there was a party last night. I’ve made some good friends through the group but I was never super involved, ie position or candidate but did volunteer a lot of time at different periods. The group is very cliquey.

A few years ago after an event me and my friend went back from an event and gave a lift to someone from the group and they came back to my place on the way to drop him off and we all chatted for ages until very late at night. I liked him as a friend but never had a thing for him. He friended me on Facebook recently and I added him to be polite even though I don’t usually like to add people I don’t know well.

That brings me back to last night. The event was at a private area of a bar. I went with my friend and brought my toddler along after ringing the bar earlier and checking it was safe and ok. I said hello to a few people I know and then I was sitting at a table and my toddler was perched very happily on a barstool so I had to stand next to him to keep him safe. I was by myself a few times and no one came up to chat, to say hello to my little one or to offer to get me a drink or food as I couldn’t easily move. My friends did at various times and most of the night was fine but I just found people ignoring me, by myself, really rude.

I’m now a regular member of a different group and we would never have done that!!! By the way it wasn’t strange that I was there if I’m in a different group now because it was for all past and present members. The guy who came to my house was standing by himself at one point and he awkwardly avoided looking at me and went to chat to a group. It was so rude. I am a single mum and it makes me feel as if he thinks I’m so desperate that if he talks to me I’ll be obsessed and in love with him.

He wants a future in politics and I’m tempted to message him and say that voters can generally sense if someone is genuine or a social climber and so maybe he should give up on it because he comes across as very shallow and fake. I won’t do that in case he’s recently had a death in the family or something like that, in which case I would come across very badly.

I got a coffee with a friend this morning, who is also part of the group but wasn’t there last night. I told her what happened and she said “was that ? He did the same thing to me!” But it was actually even ruder in her case.

If the group was still going to be around I might consider circulating a general message saying that it would be nice if the group had a more inclusive culture if they want to attract and, more importantly, keep new members.
AIBU for thinking people should be inclusive and friendly in groups?

As far as I know I was the only single parent there. My friend who I met for coffee this morning is also a single parent and she told me she has had the exact same type of experience. One possible reason I was the only single parent there is that no effort is made to include us and we stop coming. Yes I could have stayed home but then I wouldn’t have had another chance to catch up with this group. This type of thing is the reason most people in politics are upper or middle class professionals who either don’t have children or they are grown up and out of home.

This is exactly the sort of post I mean when I say that it sounds like you don’t like children very much

I don’t mind children.

I don’t particularly like adults that refuse to understand or accept which events are appropriate to bring their children along to, and which aren’t. I find they’re often the same type of people that describe their child’s appalling behaviour as “spirited”

Was it advertised as child friendly? Did anyone else bring their children along?

@Winemewhynot

i did get to have a nice chat with people in the end. My friends returned to the table and a few other people came over as well. My little one was happy on the stool

Well what you moaning on for then

I’m just making conversation about the general atmosphere and inclusiveness

@Imtootired

And by the way I don’t expect people to read my mind or wait on me. I just think if you’re chatting in a big group at an event and there’s a person by them self at the next table you could try to include them. Later in the evening my friends were at the table with me and someone was by themselves next to us and we said hello to her. To me it’s common courtesy

Totally agree OP. It’s just the nice thing to do. Maybe it occurs more to people who have been the lone, left out one. It’s not a nice feeling and not always that easy to break into a conversation already in progress between groups of people that all know each other.

@BornIn78

This is exactly the sort of post I mean when I say that it sounds like you don’t like children very much

I don’t mind children.

I don’t particularly like adults that refuse to understand or accept which events are appropriate to bring their children along to, and which aren’t. I find they’re often the same type of people that describe their child’s appalling behaviour as “spirited”

Was it advertised as child friendly? Did anyone else bring their children along?

I always watch and look after my children when I bring them places. In fact at an event of this same group a while ago I ended up watching the child of a couple for most of the night while they mingled and never offered to return the favour. Why would a casual event from 6-8 be so bad to bring a child to when he wasn’t crying and I was watching him the whole time?

OP you keep saying you were sitting by yourself. You weren't. You had a child with you. A clingy child who would have looked to be taking up all of your attention.

I'm not anti-children and I'm not unfriendly, but I wouldn't approach you in that situation.

You sound like hard work, not just because you seem to expect to much from people, but because you seem unwilling to accept you read the situation wrong and take responsibility for that. Instead you're getting cross with posters who don't agree with you. You also sound bitter that you're not one of the popular in-crowd. Maybe you don't mean to come across like that, but its making you sound unpleasant.

How would the other people there know that you didn't already eat before you came out? Dis you go hover by the plates and ask someone closer to them to pass you one? Did you say "excuse me, can I get there please?" to whoever was stood in the way of the sausage rolls (or whichever food you wanted)? If I saw someone struggling like that, unable to squeeze in because they were carrying a DC, I'd offer to get them food. But unless I'm waiting staff I'm not going to approach them sat at a table and offer to fetch something. The fact you think someone should have makes you seem very entitled.

Instead of wanting and expecting everyone else to change and getting cross at posters pointing out it's not going to happen, why don't you think about the ways you can change to more easily fit in with the group and the vibe of the event? eg by arranging childcare and attending alone next time. Or arranging someone to come with you, who doesn't mind supervising your DC in between chatting to you, so you can have 5min here and there to chat to others?

You'd be more likely to be approached as a pair of adults because people know they can talk to one of you whilst the other focusses on the DC. I don't think anyone except the parents of small DC is happy to have conversations which are punctuated several times every minute with shushing/answering/admonishing a DC which is always what happens if there's one present.

I am a bit about this.....you went somewhere that was a mixer, didn't mix, and are cross because people didn't behave like you wanted them to. I mean of your child was unwell, was it essential that you go?
and how about this for a sweeping statement?
"This type of thing is the reason most people in politics are upper or middle class professionals who either don’t have children or they are grown up and out of home." I hold no brief for either of them but Boris J and Keir S spring to mind as people in politics who have children.

why would a casual event from 6-8 be so bad to bring a child to when he wasn’t crying and I was watching him the whole time?

Because the purpose of the event was for adults to mingle and bringing a DC prevented you from doing that.

Why would a casual event from 6-8 be so bad to bring a child to when he wasn’t crying and I was watching him the whole time?

Because it wasn’t for children, demonstrated perfectly by the fact that you mingle, or even get yourself a drink or any food, because you couldn’t move from where you were sitting.

No one else brought their child along. You were the only person in the room that thought that was appropriate.

The reason I wouldn’t have come over to talk to you if I’m honest is that I’d have made the snap judgement that if you’re unable to differentiate between events suitable for children and not suitable for children, I’d assume you were lacking in other social skills too.

@BeeOnADandelion

OP you keep saying you were sitting by yourself. You weren't. You had a child with you. A clingy child who would have looked to be taking up all of your attention.

I'm not anti-children and I'm not unfriendly, but I wouldn't approach you in that situation.

You sound like hard work, not just because you seem to expect to much from people, but because you seem unwilling to accept you read the situation wrong and take responsibility for that. Instead you're getting cross with posters who don't agree with you. You also sound bitter that you're not one of the popular in-crowd. Maybe you don't mean to come across like that, but its making you sound unpleasant.

How would the other people there know that you didn't already eat before you came out? Dis you go hover by the plates and ask someone closer to them to pass you one? Did you say "excuse me, can I get there please?" to whoever was stood in the way of the sausage rolls (or whichever food you wanted)? If I saw someone struggling like that, unable to squeeze in because they were carrying a DC, I'd offer to get them food. But unless I'm waiting staff I'm not going to approach them sat at a table and offer to fetch something. The fact you think someone should have makes you seem very entitled.

Instead of wanting and expecting everyone else to change and getting cross at posters pointing out it's not going to happen, why don't you think about the ways you can change to more easily fit in with the group and the vibe of the event? eg by arranging childcare and attending alone next time. Or arranging someone to come with you, who doesn't mind supervising your DC in between chatting to you, so you can have 5min here and there to chat to others?

You'd be more likely to be approached as a pair of adults because people know they can talk to one of you whilst the other focusses on the DC. I don't think anyone except the parents of small DC is happy to have conversations which are punctuated several times every minute with shushing/answering/admonishing a DC which is always what happens if there's one present.

Yes I don’t mean to come across like that and I’m not jealous of people in the “in crowd”. It does really annoy me that the whole group is so middle class and out of touch with the people they claim to represent. The party has some great social policies but they have a reputation for being out of touch and the fawning and cliquey culture makes it a very insular group. There are very few, if any, blue collar or “working class” members and in this particular local group very few non white members. And my friend and I are the only single parents. Maybe that is what annoys me more than just being a bit left one one specific evening.

Have you ever heard the phrase ‘standoffish’ . You were being standoffish by sitting apart and not mingling

I’m also just commenting on the snobbish attitude in general where people like to fawn over the perceived big wigs

More likely they picked up on this attitude of yours and gave you a wide berth.

The party has some great social policies but they have a reputation for being out of touch and the fawning and cliquey culture makes it a very insular group. There are very few, if any, blue collar or “working class” members and in this particular local group very few non white members. And my friend and I are the only single parents.

Why not try to organise some specifically family-friendly events, and advertise them in spaces likely to be seen by other single parents so you might get new members?

Yes that is a good idea for situations like this and when my little one is a bit bigger and I can get more into things again I will work on things like this in the new group I am involved in. They are much more inclusive and have a great mix and people and everyone is made to feel valued. I really think the people who are the most badly affected by harsh policies and cuts to services need to have their voices heard but of course they are the people who don’t have the free time and access to be able to.

I sometimes need a break from my own kids (who I love). I would probably be looking forward to an event with no kids around. Therefore, I wouldn't be going over to talk to someone who has their own children with them.

It's similar to going out for an adult meal, I don't want to be sat next to a table with children at it!

@Imtootired

I’m kind of sick of the pearl clutching about a toddler at a bar. It was between 6-8 in a private area with no loud music and no drunk people. I didn’t realise women and children needed to be back in their homes by a certain time!! Has anyone ever lived outside of the UK/ Australia??? You know in a lot of the world families actually go out at night. Scandal

But ARE you in one of these countries where it’s much more common for children to be out later or involved in more social events? Because if you’re not, it’s not really fair to complain that British people didn’t behave like Spaniards or Italians.

The more of your posts I read, the more it seems like you weren’t on your own for that long anyway. You say a friend brought you food and drinks; later on you and a group of friends chatted to a woman at the next table. It was only a two-hour event - you weren’t really alone for very long at all. Everyone else had the same limited amount of time you did. Maybe they just wanted to chat to their friends rather than ‘rescue’ you, when it sounds like you didn’t really need it.

@Imtootired

It was a two hour event with food as a celebration for everyone who had been part of the group to catch up. All I’m saying is that it would be nice if the people involved had been a bit more welcoming. It wasn’t a big drinking event. I’m also just commenting on the snobbish attitude in general where people like to fawn over the perceived big wigs. If an organisation says that it is for inclusion of single parents and people with different needs and abilities then they should practice that.

Is that as opposed to fawning over you and your child? Oh, the irony...

The party has some great social policies but they have a reputation for being out of touch and the fawning and cliquey culture makes it a very insular group. There are very few, if any, blue collar or “working class” members and in this particular local group very few non white members. And my friend and I are the only single parents.

So basically the party is full of rubbish but you still want to be part of them.

No I’m not in Italy or Spain or this probably wouldn’t be a issue!
And I wasn’t on my own that long so I guess I can’t complain too much. I just felt a bit left out a few times when I was by myself and there were opportunities that people could easily have included me

I’ve said a few times that I don’t need anyone to fawn over me. And I do think I am special and my child is special, just like everybody else is and all children are. Why is everyone so keen to tell people that their children aren’t special? Weird mindset. And if I had organised an event I would go around and greet everyone and say hello.

@Againstmachine

The party has some great social policies but they have a reputation for being out of touch and the fawning and cliquey culture makes it a very insular group. There are very few, if any, blue collar or “working class” members and in this particular local group very few non white members. And my friend and I are the only single parents.

So basically the party is full of rubbish but you still want to be part of them.

I’m not a member anymore I just went to catch up with people I did things with for years as the local group is finishing and I probably won’t see some of them again. I have moved on from the political party but I still value the good times I had working with people

@Imtootired

I’ve said a few times that I don’t need anyone to fawn over me. And I do think I am special and my child is special, just like everybody else is and all children are. Why is everyone so keen to tell people that their children aren’t special? Weird mindset. And if I had organised an event I would go around and greet everyone and say hello.

But your child is only special to you (and no doubt your family).

My children are special to me and my family, but not to anyone else!

The problem was that you could only keep your child under control if he was sat on a barstool away from the group. That isn't bringing a child to a social event. Most political events I've been to don't have kids in the meetings unless something like a ""bring the family" barbecue. An older child who could sit with the group and play on an ipad or do colouring would have been fine. They maybe didn't realise you were anything to do with the group. You could have picked your son up gone over to the group and chatted for a couple of minutes then returned to your corner, but I suspect most people came for a group chat with people they know not a chat with someone on their own with a snuffly toddler

@Imtootired

No I’m not in Italy or Spain or this probably wouldn’t be a issue! And I wasn’t on my own that long so I guess I can’t complain too much. I just felt a bit left out a few times when I was by myself and there were opportunities that people could easily have included me

But didn’t you say you had friends there? Why not ask them to bring you food or drink or to look after your child for a minute while you got something to eat, rather than get cross with complete strangers for not being psychic?

"I’m not a member anymore I just went to catch up with people I did things with for years as the local group is finishing and I probably won’t see some of them again. I have moved on from the political party but I still value the good times I had working with people"

so you don't support the political views or see the people outside of the group of which you are no longer a member? And no chidren are not special, people (including me) are not special.

iam still