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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Unfriendly groups

133 replies

Imtootired · 08/08/2021 12:30

I’ve been part of a group for a while. It’s a political party, mainstream left wing. I haven’t gone to events for a while. The local group I’m in is shutting down and there was a party last night. I’ve made some good friends through the group but I was never super involved, ie position or candidate but did volunteer a lot of time at different periods. The group is very cliquey.

A few years ago after an event me and my friend went back from an event and gave a lift to someone from the group and they came back to my place on the way to drop him off and we all chatted for ages until very late at night. I liked him as a friend but never had a thing for him. He friended me on Facebook recently and I added him to be polite even though I don’t usually like to add people I don’t know well.

That brings me back to last night. The event was at a private area of a bar. I went with my friend and brought my toddler along after ringing the bar earlier and checking it was safe and ok. I said hello to a few people I know and then I was sitting at a table and my toddler was perched very happily on a barstool so I had to stand next to him to keep him safe. I was by myself a few times and no one came up to chat, to say hello to my little one or to offer to get me a drink or food as I couldn’t easily move. My friends did at various times and most of the night was fine but I just found people ignoring me, by myself, really rude.

I’m now a regular member of a different group and we would never have done that!!! By the way it wasn’t strange that I was there if I’m in a different group now because it was for all past and present members. The guy who came to my house was standing by himself at one point and he awkwardly avoided looking at me and went to chat to a group. It was so rude. I am a single mum and it makes me feel as if he thinks I’m so desperate that if he talks to me I’ll be obsessed and in love with him.

He wants a future in politics and I’m tempted to message him and say that voters can generally sense if someone is genuine or a social climber and so maybe he should give up on it because he comes across as very shallow and fake. I won’t do that in case he’s recently had a death in the family or something like that, in which case I would come across very badly.

I got a coffee with a friend this morning, who is also part of the group but wasn’t there last night. I told her what happened and she said “was that ? He did the same thing to me!” But it was actually even ruder in her case.

If the group was still going to be around I might consider circulating a general message saying that it would be nice if the group had a more inclusive culture if they want to attract and, more importantly, keep new members.
AIBU for thinking people should be inclusive and friendly in groups?

OP posts:
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 13:09

I wouldn’t have come to speak to you either if you had a toddler with you.

3scape · 08/08/2021 13:10

You seem determined to make people feel bad because you felt awkward at an event with your child.

What were you expecting from the night?

BornIn78 · 08/08/2021 13:11

Have I got this right… You took a sick and clingy toddler with cold symptoms to a two hour event that wasn’t that important and sat at a table/the bar on your own, wanting people to come over to talk to you and bring you drinks and food?

I wish the group was continuing, and you would send your passive aggressive email about being more inclusive. I’d have loved to see the response. Grin

YABU.

Waspsarearseholes · 08/08/2021 13:17

YABVU and you seem to have a set of rules that you expect people you barely know to follow, but without ever letting them know. Why do you think people were paying you so much attention that they'd think, 'Oh that lady there is a single mother who has brought her sick and clingy toddler with her who is now perched on a barstool rendering her completely stuck to the spot, absolutely unable to move to get food or drink or make the effort to chat to other people, I simply must go over and make conversation with her and offer to get her dinner and drinks.'

If people did do this, you'd probably complain that they judged you unable to look after your child and yourself for those two hours. Surely toddlers can be moved quite easily if you needed to get food/drinks? You just decided that he was quite happily perched on the bar stool and didn't want to interrupt him to get food yourself so expected people you barely know to rush to do it for you.

This is very, very strange thing to get so annoyed about, and to think of sending a shitty email to others because a man you'd met once didn't fall over himself to chat to you when you were with your toddler, is bizarre.

Original poster
Imtootired · 08/08/2021 13:22

It wasn’t a two hour event that we had to sit still for. And my little one wasn’t coughing and didn’t have a runny nose. Sounds like a lot of people here would ignore someone who brings a child to an event. I guess that’s all I wanted to know. People are all different. My friend and I were saying today that we thought bringing kids or dogs to events would good icebreakers. We must be in the minority

OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 08/08/2021 13:23

I used to take my DC to all sorts of things when they were little. Nobody minded. Even now, some events we enjoy end up in the pub or are held in the pub, we all have food and usually leave straight after eating. 🤷‍♂️

TheGenealogist · 08/08/2021 13:25

@Imtootired

It wasn’t a two hour event that we had to sit still for. And my little one wasn’t coughing and didn’t have a runny nose. Sounds like a lot of people here would ignore someone who brings a child to an event. I guess that’s all I wanted to know. People are all different. My friend and I were saying today that we thought bringing kids or dogs to events would good icebreakers. We must be in the minority
Oh right.

It wasn't a "sitting still" event, but you wanted to sit still. You wanted everyone else to notice you, and your child, and got all humphy when they didn't.

And as for thinking it's a good idea to bring a child or a fucking DOG to such events, tells me all I need to know about your entitlement and attitude.

BornIn78 · 08/08/2021 13:25

It wasn’t a two hour event that we had to sit still for.

So why didn’t you get up and mingle, and get your own food and drinks then?

Original poster
Imtootired · 08/08/2021 13:28

And by the way I don’t expect people to read my mind or wait on me. I just think if you’re chatting in a big group at an event and there’s a person by them self at the next table you could try to include them. Later in the evening my friends were at the table with me and someone was by themselves next to us and we said hello to her. To me it’s common courtesy

OP posts:
TheGenealogist · 08/08/2021 13:30

BUT YOU DID NOT GET UP AND MINGLE!!!!!

You sat there with your child, like a pair of lemons, not approaching anyone, but expecting them to go out of their way to approach you?

Original poster
Imtootired · 08/08/2021 13:30

And your post tells me how you feel about single mums with no childcare having any social life and being included in society.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imtootired · 08/08/2021 13:32

My last message was for @TheGenealogist
Wow you’re rude

OP posts:
TheGenealogist · 08/08/2021 13:32

And you're entitled and weird. Grin If we're resorting to name calling.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 08/08/2021 13:33

My friend and I were saying today that we thought bringing kids or dogs to events would good icebreakers.

It depends on the type of event and the general demographic. An evening event centred around a bar and buffet, held by a political group, wouldn't sound particularly child or dog-friendly to me.

Adults generally like to socialise with other adults, not children (their own family excepted). Those who are parents might have been looking forward to some childfree time (especially if they've been homeschooling them for months and now having to entertain them over the holidays).

It won't be that they felt hostile to you or your son, just that they wanted to have uninterrupted, adult conversation - rather than trying to talk to someone who constantly had half an eye on their toddler.

Confused102 · 08/08/2021 13:36

Sorry op I do think it was inappropriate to bring your toddler there. It was a party for the group and you made things awkward by bringing your child.

Original poster
Imtootired · 08/08/2021 13:39

@SquirryTheSquirrel

My friend and I were saying today that we thought bringing kids or dogs to events would good icebreakers.

It depends on the type of event and the general demographic. An evening event centred around a bar and buffet, held by a political group, wouldn't sound particularly child or dog-friendly to me.

Adults generally like to socialise with other adults, not children (their own family excepted). Those who are parents might have been looking forward to some childfree time (especially if they've been homeschooling them for months and now having to entertain them over the holidays).

It won't be that they felt hostile to you or your son, just that they wanted to have uninterrupted, adult conversation - rather than trying to talk to someone who constantly had half an eye on their toddler.

Yes I do get that, it’s just if I was somewhere I knew a lot of people and saw someone by them self with a child I would be happy to talk to them. And I wasn’t suggesting dogs at a pub, just bringing them to events in general. Maybe part of the reason that it annoys me is that the group makes a lot of noise about including different types of people but it always seems to revolve around wealthy, acedemic types
OP posts:
SquirryTheSquirrel · 08/08/2021 13:42

Maybe part of the reason that it annoys me is that the group makes a lot of noise about including different types of people but it always seems to revolve around wealthy, acedemic types

Yes, I can see why that would be annoying. I find in a lot of contexts, such as work, people are happy to boast about their inclusivity but when it comes down to actions, they gravitate towards people like themselves.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 08/08/2021 13:45

Can we remember to be kind, please?

Winemewhynot · 08/08/2021 13:48

I don’t get why you would find it appropriate to a toddler, a poorly one at that, to a social evening for an adult group. Of course people wouldn’t approach you, you strangely took a toddler with you Confused

Viviennemary · 08/08/2021 13:49

Why on earth did you take a toddler to a bar on a night out. A bit mad IMHO.

Waspsarearseholes · 08/08/2021 13:50

In what way would bringing children to a bar be an 'icebreaker'?

TheGoogleMum · 08/08/2021 13:51

Left wing political groups do like to pretend they are very inclusive for virtue signalling purposes, yanbu to be disappointed they didn't make the effort to make you feel included

Original poster
Imtootired · 08/08/2021 13:52

@Winemewhynot

I don’t get why you would find it appropriate to a toddler, a poorly one at that, to a social evening for an adult group. Of course people wouldn’t approach you, you strangely took a toddler with you Confused
He wasn’t extremely sick, he was mostly just clingy. Ok I will ask you then, as a single mother should I just sit out events like this, where I can meet like minded people and discuss things that are important to me? That seems to be the general consensus
OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 08/08/2021 13:53

I don’t think there’s anything particularly wrong with taking your toddler in these circumstances but I can understand why for a group of people like this, who wanted to network, it might all have looked too much like hard work.

I also think - in the kindest possible way - you are a bit over/invested in this group and expecting too much from people. And whatever you do don’t send that email to the guy. You won’t emerge well from that: in all honesty it comes across as needy and irrational.

Original poster
Imtootired · 08/08/2021 13:55

I’m kind of sick of the pearl clutching about a toddler at a bar. It was between 6-8 in a private area with no loud music and no drunk people. I didn’t realise women and children needed to be back in their homes by a certain time!! Has anyone ever lived outside of the UK/ Australia??? You know in a lot of the world families actually go out at night. Scandal

OP posts:
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