Unfriendly groups

[Imtootired]

I’ve been part of a group for a while. It’s a political party, mainstream left wing. I haven’t gone to events for a while. The local group I’m in is shutting down and there was a party last night. I’ve made some good friends through the group but I was never super involved, ie position or candidate but did volunteer a lot of time at different periods. The group is very cliquey.

A few years ago after an event me and my friend went back from an event and gave a lift to someone from the group and they came back to my place on the way to drop him off and we all chatted for ages until very late at night. I liked him as a friend but never had a thing for him. He friended me on Facebook recently and I added him to be polite even though I don’t usually like to add people I don’t know well.

That brings me back to last night. The event was at a private area of a bar. I went with my friend and brought my toddler along after ringing the bar earlier and checking it was safe and ok. I said hello to a few people I know and then I was sitting at a table and my toddler was perched very happily on a barstool so I had to stand next to him to keep him safe. I was by myself a few times and no one came up to chat, to say hello to my little one or to offer to get me a drink or food as I couldn’t easily move. My friends did at various times and most of the night was fine but I just found people ignoring me, by myself, really rude.

I’m now a regular member of a different group and we would never have done that!!! By the way it wasn’t strange that I was there if I’m in a different group now because it was for all past and present members. The guy who came to my house was standing by himself at one point and he awkwardly avoided looking at me and went to chat to a group. It was so rude. I am a single mum and it makes me feel as if he thinks I’m so desperate that if he talks to me I’ll be obsessed and in love with him.

He wants a future in politics and I’m tempted to message him and say that voters can generally sense if someone is genuine or a social climber and so maybe he should give up on it because he comes across as very shallow and fake. I won’t do that in case he’s recently had a death in the family or something like that, in which case I would come across very badly.

I got a coffee with a friend this morning, who is also part of the group but wasn’t there last night. I told her what happened and she said “was that ? He did the same thing to me!” But it was actually even ruder in her case.

If the group was still going to be around I might consider circulating a general message saying that it would be nice if the group had a more inclusive culture if they want to attract and, more importantly, keep new members.
AIBU for thinking people should be inclusive and friendly in groups?

@Imtootired

It was a small party not a political conference. To me that’s the sort of event that should be nice to take kids to. Plus I wasn’t saying I brought him there as an icebreaker I was just saying that in a lot of situations people love having kids around. Obviously not a popular opinion on here though :\\

I'd happily bring DS to this kind of thing. Tbh, I'd happily bring ds to most things I go to. I'm not one for crazy nightclubs, and I don't see the issue with a child in a pub or party as long as they aren't being ignored by the parents. Like you say, in other countries it happens a lot. I don't feel my son is an inconvenience and I have absolutely no issues with other people having their kids around either. I actually think it's nice.

I'd avoid anybody in that situation who did what you did, because I've no desire whatsoever to spend my evening pretending to be interested in someone's baby. A bar is an adult environment, especially in the evening.

The way you speak of the man is really vile.

Totally weird to bring a child to an adult, politically related, evening event. I'd probably have wondered if you were in the wrong place tbh and given you a wide berth! No-one expects / wants kids at an adult evening event and I imagine there was a fair bit of eye rolling at you bringing him.

I understand people don’t want to have to look after someone else’s child and no one wants to hear a crying child but I think it’s very sad that people in western cultures believe that children should be seperate and not included in events and celebrations. I think parties have much nicer atmospheres when families are included

I wasn’t saying I brought him there as an icebreaker I was just saying that in a lot of situations people love having kids around.

The bald truth is that more people don’t love having other people’s children around than do. I have very limited interest in other people’s children, I certainly don’t want to be sat with them at an adult event.

Even those people with children the same or similar ages, if they can get a babysitter and have a couple of hours off from their own, they really don’t want to be sat with yours.

@TheGenealogist

BUT YOU DID NOT GET UP AND MINGLE!!!!!

You sat there with your child, like a pair of lemons, not approaching anyone, but expecting them to go out of their way to approach you?

I don’t know why you got so angry at @TheGenealogist for posting this. It’s completely true.

You could have picked up your toddler and spoken to people. Instead you expected them to bring you food and drink. You’re annoyed at everyone else for not approaching you - but you didn’t approach them either!

@Imtootired

I understand people don’t want to have to look after someone else’s child and no one wants to hear a crying child but I think it’s very sad that people in western cultures believe that children should be seperate and not included in events and celebrations. I think parties have much nicer atmospheres when families are included

There are lots of things families are welcome at. Just not all. And that's as it should be. People have the choice, as do you, to attend the ones they want to based on that. I wouldn't go to a family friendly political event. I'd find an adult one.

You're going to look like a spoiled child yourself if you start emailing them and demanding they change for you. Find another group. Or start one.

@Imtootired

I understand people don’t want to have to look after someone else’s child and no one wants to hear a crying child but I think it’s very sad that people in western cultures believe that children should be seperate and not included in events and celebrations. I think parties have much nicer atmospheres when families are included

It so much depends on the type of event. Something like a big birthday party or wedding anniversary party is much more likely to be family-friendly than a party for members of an adult club/society.

And there's a big difference if lots of children are there, because they can play together and amuse themselves to some extent.

Ok I will ask you then, as a single mother should I just sit out events like this, where I can meet like minded people and discuss things that are important to me?

But you couldn’t do this because you had your toddler with you. Do you not see that the two are not compatible?

If you want to meet and speak with like minded adults you need to arrange childcare.

I couldn’t really pick him up because he would have just started running around before I had a chance to say anything to anyway. I don’t expect people to read my mind and get me a plate of all my favourite foods immediately. And I don’t expect anyone to come up and start talking to my toddler. Just saying hello and asking about my involvement in the group would have been really nice. Some of you sound so resentful of giving someone else’s child a minute of your attention that it actually makes you seem as if you don’t like children very much at all. I’ve been to plenty of events without my kids but ended up chatting to people there with kids of the same age because I like children, and I’m familiar with their interests.

It was an adult’s party. It was not terribly appropriate to bring your dc, especially one feeling under the weather and clingy. A clingy toddler will be putting out very different vibes from a vibrant, chatty one. It must have been horrible for him to sit there for 2 hours in a strange environment when he just wanted to cuddle on the sofa with his mum. Perhaps have a think about your behaviour before judging others?

@Winemewhynot

Ok I will ask you then, as a single mother should I just sit out events like this, where I can meet like minded people and discuss things that are important to me?

But you couldn’t do this because you had your toddler with you. Do you not see that the two are not compatible?

I did get to have a nice chat with people in the end. My friends returned to the table and a few other people came over as well. My little one was happy on the stool. It’s actually usually attitudes like these that exclude people rather than the so called barrier. Sometimes all that’s needed is a bit of empathy and compassion

I'd happily bring DS to this kind of thing. Tbh, I'd happily bring ds to most things I go to

Doesn't mean people have to give you time of day or go out of way if you do.

So what if you’re happy to talk to other people’s kids. Not everyone is the same as you. I like kids. But I’ve been around long enough to know not everyone feels the same.

@Againstmachine

I'd happily bring DS to this kind of thing. Tbh, I'd happily bring ds to most things I go to

Doesn't mean people have to give you time of day or go out of way if you do.

This is exactly the sort of post I mean when I say that it sounds like you don’t like children very much

did get to have a nice chat with people in the end. My friends returned to the table and a few other people came over as well. My little one was happy on the stool. It’s actually usually attitudes like these that exclude people rather than the so called barrier. Sometimes all that’s needed is a bit of empathy and compassion

So what are you upset about? That EVERYONE didn't come over to you or that your friend wanted some time without a toddler?

You are getting more unreasonable!

@Againstmachine

I'd happily bring DS to this kind of thing. Tbh, I'd happily bring ds to most things I go to

Doesn't mean people have to give you time of day or go out of way if you do.

I wouldn't expect anyone to go out of their way for me, child or not. I think it's a bit weird though that you wouldn't give someone the time of day because they happen to be with their child.

I find it bizarre the way so many people on MN have this mindset that children, their own and other people's, are barely tolerable and getting time away from them/running a mile when you see someone else's is the done thing.

Personally, I like spending time with my child. I'm in several adult groups and most people happily bring their children. They aren't naughty and they seem to enjoy being there too. If anything, being exposed to different settings is probably good for development and future interests.

It might be worth considering the idea that you're not the only person to have a baby. Everyone navigates what's appropriate and isn't. And accepts that their baby isn't more important than other people's enjoyment of things.
Find a group that embraces children. Or start one.

Having been involved in politics and around politics for many many years, those sorts of parties are absolutely not places for children.

This is exactly the sort of post I mean when I say that it sounds like you don’t like children very much

Not particularly, I just find that there is very few places people can go that are adult places without children. and others feel the same.

@Winemewhynot

Ok I will ask you then, as a single mother should I just sit out events like this, where I can meet like minded people and discuss things that are important to me?

But you couldn’t do this because you had your toddler with you. Do you not see that the two are not compatible?

This!

It was an adult gathering, from what you said it sounds like you were the only person who brought a small child. You misjudged the type of event.

That’s not to say you never get to go places with likeminded adults, of course you can. But you have to do what the rest of us do and find childcare.

A clingy, slightly unwell toddler shouldn’t be at that kind of function. It’s boring for the child and not really conducive to having conversations with other party activists.

It was a two hour event with food as a celebration for everyone who had been part of the group to catch up. All I’m saying is that it would be nice if the people involved had been a bit more welcoming. It wasn’t a big drinking event. I’m also just commenting on the snobbish attitude in general where people like to fawn over the perceived big wigs. If an organisation says that it is for inclusion of single parents and people with different needs and abilities then they should practice that.

i did get to have a nice chat with people in the end. My friends returned to the table and a few other people came over as well. My little one was happy on the stool

Well what you moaning on for then

You are saying before its politics, politics is full of people not practicing what you preach.