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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your young teen tells you to fuck off...

108 replies

FedupFuckedoff · 08/08/2021 11:57

...how do you respond/what do you do? Dc has apologised but said I deserved it. I said something that could have been phrased better but I have ASD and sometimes my mouth bypasses my brain. I've apologised for my poor choice of words. It was a comment on one of her friendships that is very on and off and they fall out most days and I said something to that effect. It didn't warrant being told to fuck off.
Nc for this.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 08/08/2021 12:02

The Wi-Fi password in the house would be getting changed until an appropriate apology was forthcoming.

ThePlantsitter · 08/08/2021 12:04

An apology that says you deserved it is not an apology.

Timeforabiscuit · 08/08/2021 12:04

I say, regardless of how poorly phrased your conversation was, you didn't swear, they did - and if in life you swear to your friends, your boss, at work, in any professional setting - what happens?

People lose respect for you, if you can't put your point across eloquently with resorting to foul language - you come across as someone short tempered and unable to have a reasoned discussion.

So, as a parent, I am disappointed, because clearly you can't keep your temper in check in a heated conversation - and you will have many, many occasions in life where it will serve you well to NOT swear.

happytoday73 · 08/08/2021 12:07

Not acceptable... Ever..
DC needs to understand its perfectly acceptable never to swear and especially not to authority..

They need to apologise for their choice of words....

Grounded

Original poster
FedupFuckedoff · 08/08/2021 12:08

It wasn't even a heated conversation. It was just a comment in passing.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 08/08/2021 12:10

It's not an apology if they still think you deserved it. The punishment should be inconvenient and uncomfortable enough to ensure she will never do it again. If her social life is most important then ground her. If she loves her phone, take it off her until she has a sincere apology ready.

KittenKong · 08/08/2021 12:11

A) poor choice of phrase - which you explained and apologised for
B) you never ever speak to your mum like that. Ever.

The apology wasn’t an apology (along the likes of ‘you made me do it’). So I’d be thinking of a suitable punishment. Any dirty windows need cleaning or flower beds needing weeding?

Timeforabiscuit · 08/08/2021 12:11

And then I say - what do you think the consequence should be for someone who can't keep their temper, mine are early teens and are still tougher on themselves than i am on them (so it works).

lavenderandwisteria · 08/08/2021 12:11

Changing the WiFi password is a great way of making them resentful, so I’m not sure it’s a good way to proceed here.

I think children should be free in a sense to say what they want to their parents. But in an appropriate way. So it’s fine in the above example to say ‘I don’t think that’s fair to say about my friend’ but not ever ‘fuck off.’

itsgettingwierd · 08/08/2021 12:12

I agree removal of privilege because she swore at you because she didn't like what you said. She should have said so in a different manner.

And sun cool I'd also ask why your comment illicited such an angry response.

My guess is it hit a nerve and she knew you were right.

ThePlantsitter · 08/08/2021 12:13

Was the 'fuck off' heated? Was it a jokey fuck off? If so and you don't like it you need to be clear and serious about it but it doesn't need to be a punishing issue.

DeadGood · 08/08/2021 12:13

@Timeforabiscuit

I say, regardless of how poorly phrased your conversation was, you didn't swear, they did - and if in life you swear to your friends, your boss, at work, in any professional setting - what happens?

People lose respect for you, if you can't put your point across eloquently with resorting to foul language - you come across as someone short tempered and unable to have a reasoned discussion.

So, as a parent, I am disappointed, because clearly you can't keep your temper in check in a heated conversation - and you will have many, many occasions in life where it will serve you well to NOT swear.

Huh? The issue isn’t the swearing, it’s the aggressive and disrespectful message behind it.

OP, I agree with another poster that the apology was not an apology at all.

Original poster
FedupFuckedoff · 08/08/2021 12:17

It was aggressive right in my face accompanied by some criticisms of me.

OP posts:
newnametothegame · 08/08/2021 12:22

I'll change the wifi, take all electronics off her and fuck off to very far away from her as she told you too. Also let her on her own for a long time, by not engaging in conversation, not giving her any money, talking strictly the necessary and ignoring her as much as I could. Until she learns some respect.

ThePlantsitter · 08/08/2021 12:24

Presumably the heat has gone out of the situation now. So I'd go and talk to her and be very clear that whether or not your turn off phrase was clumsy you do NOT appreciate being told to fuck off. If she apologises properly if then leave it but otherwise a consequence of some kind is in order.

Dozer · 08/08/2021 12:26

As PPs say, the ‘apology’ was not an apology.

Wouldn’t let the swearing pass without punishment, eg reduced screen time, locked wifi, grounding.

RavingAnnie · 08/08/2021 12:28

"Regardless of what I said you do not speak to me like that".

GetTaeFuck · 08/08/2021 12:30

That was a nonpology, and the getting in your face plus the criticism, bang out of order.

I’d remove phone, change WiFi password as a bare minimum.

Nonmaquillee · 08/08/2021 12:31

Lose monthly allowance straight away - no negotiation

coodawoodashooda · 08/08/2021 12:32

@ChaToilLeam

The Wi-Fi password in the house would be getting changed until an appropriate apology was forthcoming.
This
NotSoLongGoodbye · 08/08/2021 12:33

I would accept the apology but have a chat about appropriate language and try and explore what we was behind the aggression towards you. I would try and find out if there is a more toxic relationship in this friendship than you realise

KittenKong · 08/08/2021 12:36

@FedupFuckedoff

It was aggressive right in my face accompanied by some criticisms of me.
In which case - Big Punishment. Nip this right in the bud - otherwise what will happen in a couple of years when you are trying to stop him from making some really dumb life decisions?
SingingInTheShithouse · 08/08/2021 12:37

I would accept the apology but have a chat about appropriate language and try and explore what we was behind the aggression towards you. I would try and find out if there is a more toxic relationship in this friendship than you realise

I echo this too. I've had something similar from my DD & I'd hit a nerve on something she was already very anxious about.

I also made it very clear I was very upset by her actions, it's never acceptable & I wouldn't be doing her any extra favours for a while until she fully understood how wrong it was to swear at me.

It hasn't happened again

Imissmoominmama · 08/08/2021 12:37

I actually agree with @Timeforabiscuit’s post. I found that as my children grew toward adulthood, it served my purpose better to explain, than punish.

I would also ask them to consider how they would feel if I used those words on them.

Beckhamsmetatarsal · 08/08/2021 12:38

Swearing isn't a problem for me in context like if hurt or really angry. They're just words that help to release or reduce an emotion. However, I draw the line at being sworn at because its a lack of respect.

I would calmly explain this, and that the reaction was not appropriate therefore it will have whatever consequence you decide to give.