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Original poster

If your young teen tells you to fuck off...

108 replies

FedupFuckedoff · 08/08/2021 11:57

...how do you respond/what do you do? Dc has apologised but said I deserved it. I said something that could have been phrased better but I have ASD and sometimes my mouth bypasses my brain. I've apologised for my poor choice of words. It was a comment on one of her friendships that is very on and off and they fall out most days and I said something to that effect. It didn't warrant being told to fuck off.
Nc for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedupFuckedoff · 08/08/2021 12:38

She doesn't have WiFi access. When she returns from her grandparents I will talk to her.

OP posts:
Beckhamsmetatarsal · 08/08/2021 12:38

Just to clarify, passive swearing isn't a problem, it's when it's aimed at people that I don't like it ^

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 08/08/2021 12:47

@Beckhamsmetatarsal I agree. Swearing when used hurt someone is the issue for me. I would be sitting down and explaining that, and initiating a conversation as to why they felt the need to hurt you, what had led to that moment. Consequences would also follow.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 08/08/2021 12:47

I’d take a deep breath and walk away in the immediacy because I’d swing for the fucker.

Afterwards phone, WiFi, laptop, pocket money would be confiscated until I saw a marked improvement in attitude.

They can disagree with me, they can get angry and challenge me but we don’t speak to one another like that in this family.

Once everyone calmed down, we will have a firm discussion about boundaries, attitudes and appropriate language and get to the bottom of what led to them kicking off.

Teenagers and toddlers have incredibly similar attitudes.

Kralia · 08/08/2021 12:57

"Let her on her own for a long time, by not engaging in conversation, not giving her any money, talking strictly the necessary and ignoring her as much as I could. Until she learns some respect"

The jaw-dropping stupidity of some advice on here! Please don't do this. If you want respect from kids, then engagement is your friend. If you want them an emotional mess needing years of therapy for a shitty, emotionally abusive upbringing, then sure, ignore them completely when they displease you.

13 year olds are still learning to keep their emotions in check. Consequences for swearing at a parent, fine. Total emotional withdrawal, never.

Magenta82 · 08/08/2021 12:59

I really think it depends on what you said to her to cause her to react like that. The aggression is not acceptable, but if she was hurt and upset then the words and reaction is more understandable.

nancydroo · 08/08/2021 13:02

@FedupFuckedoff

It was aggressive right in my face accompanied by some criticisms of me.
Some sort of consequence is needed or from now on you'll get more of the same
Batsy · 08/08/2021 13:03

first offence would be a good talking to about respect and how i don't expect to EVER be spoken to like that again.. and establishing what the consequences would be for a second offence.

2nd offence would be another talking to, and the agreed consequence carrying out.. and a more serious consequence being established for a 3rd offence.

so on and so forth.

Ultimately, i remember being a teenager, and i remember how BADLY i wanted to tell my parents to 'fuck off' when they upset me, and it took a lot of self control not to say it, and mostly because my parents were consistent in punishment for such offences.

I would also likely talk to the AGAIN when things were calmer about expectations on how they handle being angry.

sirfredfredgeorge · 08/08/2021 13:33

The apology wasn't an apology, but neither was the parents to the child, as they have repeated again here that they fully believe what they said in the first place was alright. This seems to be the strange idea that you can harm people with words as much as you want as long as you don't "swear", and the more experienced, less hormonal "parent" then gets to control any disagreement by baiting the child into swearing so they can simply end and control the situation by talking about respect and not talking to me like that, rather than recognising that both people said things which were hurtful.

OP, stop feeling it's appropriate to make judgemental comments about your daughters friends, it's not just poor choice of words, it's the poor choice of expressing the opinion at all.

You were both in the wrong, you've both made half hearted apologies, just move on.

alltheemptyfields · 08/08/2021 13:37

My youngest already knows about swearing, but I can't imagine having to explain to my teen why it's unacceptable to tell his mother to fuck off!

Do I need to explain to him he shouldn't tell his teacher to fuck off too?

Immediate removal of privilege and a decent apology.

ThePlantsitter · 08/08/2021 13:38

I think the op is sorry she said it because it caused an outburst. I'm all for understanding communication rather than clashing with offspring but telling anyone to fuck off is really aggressive.

TSSDNCOP · 08/08/2021 13:38

There are certain things that overstep the mark so much that swift and total punishment is needed. This is one.

In circumstances such as this I am typically so angry that I cannot even speak. That is the first sign of "oh crap" to come.

It would be a long, contemplative week indoors with all life's electronic necessities removed. Not least of all for the non-apology apology.

alltheemptyfields · 08/08/2021 13:39

Only on MN is it inappropriate to parent your children and them to find excuses because the little darling didn't like what you said.

Bryonyshcmyony · 08/08/2021 13:39

"regardless of what I said, swearing and criticism is not acceptable. Please apologise properly."

jacks11 · 08/08/2021 14:01

She can be upset by what you said- entitled to her feelings etc- BUT she can communicate that to you without foul and abusive language. That is utterly unacceptable in my book and wound result in significant consequences.

Her apology is meaningless as she said “you deserved it”. So she actually does think it acceptable to speak to you in that manner. If she’s have just said “sorry, you upset me and I think what you said was wrong but I should not have spoken to you like that”. You’ve apologised for the manner, if not the content, of your statement. Which is fine.

As to what consequences- depends on age, I suppose. But privileges- such as Wi-fi connection and phone (assuming you pay for it)- wound be withdrawn. Or I might rescind things such as offering lifts/paying for extras/luxuries or activities. Until such times as a meaningful apology and acknowledgement of the unacceptable behaviour/attitude was apparent.

Velcrodog · 08/08/2021 14:06

I think I would "fuck off" metaphorically and withdraw all affection, all lifts, all pocket money, etc until a sincere apology was forthcoming.

Original poster
FedupFuckedoff · 08/08/2021 14:12

I am always on the wrong foot and walking on eggshells as anything and everything is usually taken as a personal attack on her. She will ask opinions of people then be annoyed if she doesn't like the opinion. I refuse to give opinions know so she tries to goad me into saying something. I still refuse. She's moved on to her sibling now and god forbid they say anything that upsets her. She threatens to run away, says she doesn't want to live here, lies about me to anyone who will listen including strangers she's "met" on the internet hence no internet access now. It feels never ending. We go in great days out and she's laughing and joking and having a great time then we get home a d she'll message her dad and friends saying how miserable she is here.

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 08/08/2021 14:50

@newnametothegame

I'll change the wifi, take all electronics off her and fuck off to very far away from her as she told you too. Also let her on her own for a long time, by not engaging in conversation, not giving her any money, talking strictly the necessary and ignoring her as much as I could. Until she learns some respect.
This does not teach respect.
Bryonyshcmyony · 08/08/2021 14:52

@Velcrodog

I think I would "fuck off" metaphorically and withdraw all affection, all lifts, all pocket money, etc until a sincere apology was forthcoming.
Jesus
Bryonyshcmyony · 08/08/2021 14:53

@sirfredfredgeorge

The apology wasn't an apology, but neither was the parents to the child, as they have repeated again here that they fully believe what they said in the first place was alright. This seems to be the strange idea that you can harm people with words as much as you want as long as you don't "swear", and the more experienced, less hormonal "parent" then gets to control any disagreement by baiting the child into swearing so they can simply end and control the situation by talking about respect and not talking to me like that, rather than recognising that both people said things which were hurtful.

OP, stop feeling it's appropriate to make judgemental comments about your daughters friends, it's not just poor choice of words, it's the poor choice of expressing the opinion at all.

You were both in the wrong, you've both made half hearted apologies, just move on.

Yep I agree
Kralia · 08/08/2021 15:28

Jesus indeed. More than one person advocating withdrawing all affection and attention when a child does something wrong. You are the adults supposed to be teaching your kids emotional regulation and self-respect - what does it tell them if you instead behave like a petulant toddler? So bloody depressing.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 08/08/2021 15:40

I'm autistic too, and I have a 12 year old.
If he told me to fuck off I'd be confiscating electronics and telling him he wasn't going out to see friends until I had a proper apology. Saying you deserved it isnt an apology.

As for her other behaviour, is it possible she has asd too? I was undiagnosed as a teen, and this was exactly how I behaved. Puberty, bullying, and my parents splitting up made me seek attention in whatever way I could. I'd lie to my dad about how awful my mum was, and run away regularly. It wasn't because my mum was actually awful but because I was struggling to deal with life and I just didn't know what else to do. My mum had 3 other kids to look after and my dad was pretty shit so I dodnt get the attention I felt I deserved, even though like you, we'd go out on days out etc. I felt like life should have been better IYSWIM. Everything felt like it was spiralling g out of control at that time for me.

Original poster
FedupFuckedoff · 08/08/2021 15:48

I only used the words bitching about instead of moaning about and I apologised properly as I didn't mean it how it came about.
I've been told she can't have autism because she gives eye contact 🙄

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 08/08/2021 15:50

@FedupFuckedoff
I'm 38 and never in a million years would I use language like that in from of my parents to this day, its so disrespectful and there should be consequences for it, it just did not slip out she as much told you so.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 08/08/2021 15:51

@FedupFuckedoff being able to give eye contact means fuck all! As you'll probably know, and it can be faked. (I look at the bridge if people's nose)