What's the worst thing someone did when you had a new baby?

[Cuddlyrottweiler]

Another thread reminded me of this, it's probably tame compared to some of yours though!

MIL called my DH in from another room and told him to take my newborn, crying baby off me and give him to her. After I'd refused several times, because I knew what he needed and couldn't do it. Luckily for our marriage he saw the look and my face and told her no.

As an HCP (nurse), I'm horrified at how some of you have been treated by people who should have looked after you and had your backs at what is such a scary and vulnerable time.

I have a mixture of good and bad stuff...

Pre-eclampsia both times. That was scary. Luckily we were ok. Lucky also that I'm an HCP and understood the hospital routines, medical terminology etc. I think I would have been more scared if I didn't have that background.

When my eldest was born, I was a single parent. My wonderful exMIL came with me and stayed with me during the birth. I have never forgotten that. She was amazing. XP was bloody evil during that whole time: he and OW would send me abusive messages etc etc.

On the post-natal ward though, I wasn't allowed any visitors apart from during the 1hr visiting slot in the afternoon. However DH's/DP's were allowed on the ward from the morning. I didn't have a DP (he'd fucked off with someone else a few weeks before DC was born). I was the only person on the ward who was a single parent and I stuck out like a sore thumb. I wasn't allowed to draw the curtains around my bed and hide as the MWs were worried that I might do something to myself (I wouldn't have, I just wanted some privacy and to not have to see every single other person on the ward with a lovely partner), and I wasn't allowed to have a single designated person to come in and sit with me. That was hideous.

When I went home with DS, my friends would come by each day, and take turns to help look after/hold DS so that I could have a shower/sleep. I was so lucky. I was lucky with my family (and ex's family) too, they were all wonderful. I'm very thankful for that.

When I took DS to town for the first time (he was a few days old and I needed to get some things from the shops), he started to cry (feeding time!). I sat down on a bench and started to BF him. An elderly lady was also sat at the bench, and we made a bit of small talk. A middle-aged guy walked past and made some nasty comments about me BFing DS in public. Before I could say anything back, the lady jumped up and started having such a go at the man. Turned out that she had been a Midwifery Matron. I've never seen anyone give such a verbal onslaught like that, and the bloke scuttled off. She told me that she was sick of women not being advocated for and supported. Amazing lady.

When DD was born, I was excited that I'd be able to experience having a baby with someone (then DH) that actually stayed and didn't piss of with OW etc. DD was born in the evening. There were facilities for partners/fathers to stay at the hospital. XH told me he was going to drive home to sleep and then be back in the morning. Turns out that he actually fucked off to party all night. He didn't show up until 6pm (and didn't reply to phone calls/texts all day). So I spent another stay in hospital on my own (and it wasn't because I was single, or because of covid visiting restrictions etc). I should have wised up then really. We're divorced now.

My DC are now 14 and 7. The bad things I listed were a walk in the park compared to what some have had to go through, but I've never forgotten the bad stuff (and the good stuff) and also never forgot just how scary it is being a patient. So now I do my best to always make sure my patients feel comfortable and confident to approach me, that they understand what is going on and why... and that they know I'll always advocate for them.

In laws root of evil when I had DS.
My SIL and FIL sat discussing how FIL was going to do her BFs garden. She didn’t even live with BF!! He sat ordering materials, the equipment and dates to do it.
DH asked FIL if he could help decorate the nursery. He told him “no way”

I was really sick when I had DS. When he was a month old at a gathering I asked MIL if she would like to feed him. In front of everyone she told me “no, I might choke him”

The CFs are no longer part of our life.

I saw a newborn in a pram the other day with a little sign saying I’m to small for your germs please don’t touch or get too close I really liked the idea

A neighbour three doors down took great delight in saying "well we all know you've had the baby. She doesn't stop screaming does she?" No she didn't, she had cmpa and silent reflux but the doctors kept fobbing me off. One even told me to "show her some toys, that will stop her crying". She was 8 months old when they finally gave me better silent reflux meds and she started sleeping in longer than 20min spurts as she finally wasn't in pain!

@Dogscanteatonions you can be annoyed with more than one person at once you know! I’m sure the DP was dumped and is thought of as dog shit but that woman was also an absolute cow for messaging like that.

My SiL turned up on day three with her two small children and stayed for 12 hours, eating three meals and bathing the kids before she left. She really wanted to see MiL who had come to stay with us, rather than any of us. I ended up shut in my bedroom with the baby, sobbing, because I was so overwhelmed by their presence in our house for so long. There were 11 people in our house for the whole day.

Baby was born at the beginning of the first lockdown and the little interaction we had was mostly supportive but I remember running into another new mum on one of our walks - baby and I were freshly out of the hospital due to weight loss, we were put on formula and I was struggling to come to terms with our failed breastfeeding journey. This mum in reply started gushing about her amazing milk supply, enormous boobs, baby’s incredible appetite, baby being on the 99th percentile and refusing bottle etc etc. I know she probably meant well but my God it was so insensitive and I cried so much over it It was one fat ugly baby though and still is while ours turned out deliciously chubby and super-cute

Mother came to visit DS in hospital and when she first looked at him she just stared at him in disappointment. Then kept going on about his "faults" which were perfectly normal (eg his slightly cone shaped head as a result of vaginal birth), kept asking the midwives about it who started to get visibly annoyed with her. Told me my son would go to hell if I didn't change one letter in his name to match the spelling in the Bible, then gave me a lecture about what I need to do to be a good mother - her tone and facial expression looked like she was at a funeral, as if she believed with a mother like me, my baby was doomed to have a bad life.

She was an emotionally abusive mother and it ramped up once I had DC, I am NC with her now.

I went out for a meal with friends when my baby was about 3 months old, sat outdoors in a famous seaside resort early evening, sun shining, food wonderful, overjoyed to be out with my friends all sharing cuddles with my baby. Towards the end of the meal, from nowhere someone chucked a full can of beer over the promenade into the restuarant seating area and it landed right next to the pram with my baby in it, spraying the buggy with beer. If it had hit my baby it could have been fatal. I was so shaken I had to leave as didnt feel safe. Despair at the idiocy of people. It has never left me that moment.

'DH’s sister lectured me about wearing flip flops in the house while carrying DD.'

I wouldn't give anyone a lecture, but she's not wrong. I fell down the hill between the school and my home while carrying my four-your-old son, because the sole of the flip-flop folded underneath me. I couldn't break his fall, and the sound of his head hitting the pavement has never left me. Thankfully he was ok; I lost three toenails, a decent pair of jeans, and still have a scar on my big toe. I had almost carried his two-week-old sister up with me to collect him and I vomited after I fell; half from pain and half because if I'd dropped her, she'd have been a goner for sure. Fucking dangerous things, flip-flops.

@Mrssheppard18

Beat me up 3 days after my c section whilst I was in hospital, does that count?

He was my baby’s dad.

Oh my goodness!! Hope he ended up in jail!! 🌹

My parents came over unannounced, walked into the house picked up and started cooing over daughter. Mum coughing and not covering her mouth ... she was acting like a toddler, and joked that dad tested positive for Covid, but they both felt fine so I shouldn't be concerned. This was in September 2020.

Few days after this, mum text to ask if I was OK. Told her no, my ceserean had started to open up so I was at hospital waiting to be stitched, and I was in a bit of pain. Was told to count myself lucky, I didnt know what pain was and that she had a water infection. She told me to shut up complaining!!... she text me!

Not with a newborn but when I was pregnant with DC2, having had three miscarriages after DC1.

I'm an insulin resistant diabetic and had been given carte blanche by my consultant to take as much insulin as I needed to in order to keep my blood glucose in the safe range - I was also eating a very carb restricted diet.

Went to clinic and saw one of the diabetes nurses who looked at my insulin record and said "I'm surprised he (the baby) is still alive with doses like this".

Triggered horrific antenatal depression and anxiety as I became convinced my baby would die and also resulted in my refusing any contact with the diabetes clinic for the rest of my pregnancy. I was admitted overnight on antenatal near the end (pre eclampsia) and that same nurse came up to the ward to review the diabetic patients, I made the midwives hide me until she was gone.

He was absolutely fine as it happened and is 11 now and perfectly healthy but the day of my planned c section was horrific as I was convinced he would be stillborn. I have never forgiven that nurse for sucking every ounce of joy out of the last 12 weeks of my pregnancy and my baby's birth. When I finally saw my consultant again she was horrified and complained on my behalf but I've no idea what happened, nobody ever got back to me.

I also had a community midwife after his birth that took extreme exception to the fact that I'd rejected my local hospital (where she was attached) and birthed at one 40 minutes away. It's because it was where my diabetes consultant was, and where I'd had DC1 so was familiar to me, but she just seemed really offended by it. She was really brusque and rude every time she visited, including exclaiming at 7 days postpartum when I got up off the floor where I'd been changing DC, that "you shouldn't be able to do that after a c section!!". Um, well...I can? On her last visit as she was leaving she cast her eye over us and said really snarkily, "well you got what you wanted then".

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?? 11 years on and I still ponder over that.

Also, my in laws behaviour after DC1 was born was beyond horrific. She was premature and had a massive brain haemorrhage, when we had the diagnosis and rang them FIL interrupted ExH and said "is she dead?". They then came to visit, looked at her for five minutes, MIL moaned that she had an eye mask on as she was under the blue lights for jaundice and she "couldn't see her eyes". They then fucked off on holiday to Canada because "we've always wanted to go and if we cancel now we might not be able to go for ages" and left ExH totally unsupported. Their parting words were "email us every day to let us know she's still alive"

The morning after I was discharged and had to go home and leave DC behind they phoned us from Canada at 5am (our time) to berate us for not emailing the evening before. I sat bolt upright in bed totally convinced it was the hospital ringing to say she had died. They knew what time it was, they knew I had come home the evening before leaving my baby behind, but they just wanted to catch us before we left for the day.

MIL lamented many times in the years following that she didn't understand why we didn't have a nice close relationship...

My second son was emergency c section 7 weeks early, he did amazing and was hone on day 5, we had a big family meal booked for mums big birthday a few days later to a quiet (posh) restaurant so I went with my 4lb 3oz baby. A lady I had never meet walked up to me and tried to take him out of my arms (he wasn’t crying or anything, I was just cuddling him) because she had never seen such a small baby declaring her daughter works with kids so she is completely safe to hold him. I was hormonal, in pain and shocked so my response wasn’t the most polite but she back off and spent the evening glaring at me muttering I was rude for not letting her hold him

@Lockdownbear @feb2022
Most of my childhood was similar and she tried to carry on once I moved out at 18 but I did grow a backbone thankfully and went through what I can now my "bitch faze" I cut allot of people out, stood my ground and grew to realise its not my fault that others can't controll their emotions. Mum did try to better herself near the end when she stopped drinking and I realised that allot of what she did is what also happened to her. I refuse to let my dc see the things I did as a child so allot of "family" think I'm a stuck up princess but oh well 🤷 they're opinions don't controll me anymore.

Sorry for the super long post xx

Mil was on facetime 4 days after DS was born, I had a pretty horrific labour and birth and had only just got home that day. She cooed over baby for a while, then looked at me, told me I was fat and blew her cheeks out to mimic my bloated face I was in so much pain, very emotional and felt so vulnerable that I didn't say anything. If it was now I'd have told her to fuck off

Just thought of this one. After DD was born, I'd almost bloody died from a PPH and a manual placenta removal and had so many stitches every move I made felt like there were pins in my vagina, such severe bruising and swelling that I was walking like John Wayne and had been discharged before having the blood transfusion I needed by a bitchy Sister who felt I just needed "to realise my new role" - whatever the fuck that means. Anyway, I arrived home with my ex who clearly felt that I ought to be fine, and there was exMIL, her boyfriend, ex SIL, all four of her kids, three neighbours (one of which he was cheating on me with, even having sex with her the night before-found that our years later) and his creepy as fuck brother in the house. I sat down on the chair which I had to wait for SIL and her child to vacate and I announced that I would not be passing baby around, I needed to feed DD. They all traipsed out to the kitchen and I tried to get DD latched on and not lose consciousness from the blood loss. About two minutes later they all came back, a bottle of cheap alcopop was shoved into my free hand, the kids had bottles of bubble solution and party poppers and FIL stood there snapping pictures while the kids and SIL and MIL screeched like it was the millennium moment. I was literally frozen with shock. The photograph shows me as white as a sheet, huge black circles under my eyes, pale lips, staring forward into space with an expression of disbelief on my face, bottle clutched in hand, both breasts fully in view, DD crying in terror from the noise, and everyone else ignoring us both while they pranced for the camera.

After a moment I said "can someone take this off me?" SIL immediately told me to stop being so stuck up, one drink won't hurt. I hadn't slept in 72 hrs and had been through hell! I didn't want a fucking drink!!

I told them i was really sorry but I needed to have some quiet. FIL said "come on everyone, let's give her some peace, she's just had a baby" and I was so grateful for a second, until MIL came over and PULLED DD off my breast, bruising my nipple, making DD cry, and just walked out of the room with her! As the door clicked shut I heard MiL ask her good for nothing son if he had a bottle to give DD and I burst into noisy sobs. They heard, they did nothing. Just carried on having a jolly time in my kitchen while I struggled to stand safely and pull myself together enough to go and get my baby. I did, carefully scooping her out of the arms of the seven year old who was holding her so her twin could blow bubbles practically in DD's face so MIL could take a photo and just walked straight upstairs. It was like the air got sucked out of that room, and I heard MIL say "well, that's ruined then" and Ex came pounding up the stairs after me asking me why I was being "such a stressy bitch" and standing in the way of our bedroom door so I couldn't get in. I was wobbling on my feet at this point, I could feel my maternity pad filling up with blood and I went to sit down exactly where I was in the hallway. He theatrically gasped and yelled for the benefit of his mum, "CAREFUL!!! YOU NEARLY DROPPED HER!! You have got SO much to learn!!" He already had three kids.

I don't remember how the horrible day ended- I half blocked all this out!

Another gem was with DS1 (now 19) I was in hospital for 7 weeks before he was finally born at 28 weeks- midwife refused to get surgeon as I was stitched internally or give me any pain relief as she believed I had a water infection and was being a ‘Drama Queen’ she even wrote that in my notes. She eventually phoned my mum and when she arrived told her there was nothing wrong with me but she need her to shut me up. 20 mins later a DR arrived didn’t introduce himself but lifted the sheet covering me, calmly walked to the top of the bed and pushed the emergency button to get me to theatre.
It was too late as my 2lb 3oz baby was born through my cervical stitch and ripped my cervix open on his way so I needed reconstructive surgery later that day. Mum showered and dressed me while I just stood and shook in complete shock and made me a sugary hot drink- the same midwife took my drink as she didn’t have time for me to lay around drinking tea and I had to go back to the ward I come from. My mum went to follow (my named person and it was now 6.30am) to be told she wasn’t allowed to the ward despite me being 18, damaged internally with a baby 3 months early in NICU and if she tried security would throw her out and ban her from the hospital.
I have never forgotten and forgiven that MW and later trained In that field to make sure I could protect women from that treatment

At my six week check and I told the doctor I thought I had pnd. My mum piped up and said she doesn't she's just tired! Because of that it wasn't diagnosed until after my second child's birth.

Went round to visit a good friend and his new girlfriend, it was the first outing for me and my very attached very precious 3week old baby after giving birth. This Girlfriend told me numerous times to 'put the baby down fgs' So I waited until their elaborate meal had been dished up and then told them we were leaving.

Such awful stories on here. What on earth can be done to improve midwife care?!

Comedycook
Thank you for your kind words. Thank God times have changed. People watch films like the Magdalene Sisters and think its just a story. Believe me it isn't. It didnt just happen in Ireland it happened in England, Wales and Scotland too. Young girls treated like dirt by nuns, made to scub floors with stone cold water when 9 months pregnant. Paraded to church on a Sunday morning and made to sit at the front away from the other parishoners who would look down on you. It makes me laugh when I see Watch the Midwife on TV and see how they treated unmarried mothers in this "fiction". It wasnt like that for 99% of unmarried girls, you were treated like lepers, there was no sympathy and certainly no understanding, the Nuns were the worst. You were just expected to hand over your baby at 6 weeks old and get on with your life. After all he was going to a respectable MARRIED couple who could look after him properly. I had my precious baby for 2 weeks which is bad enough can you imagine having your baby for 6 weeks and then going down to the dining hall to eat and coming back to an empty cot, no chance to say goodbye, this happened to one of my friends. I am sorry if I sound bitter but I am. You may think, "I would never ever give up my baby". Things were so different in the 50s and 60s you were treated like dirt if you werent married and there was no financial support. No council house for us. Many parents would throw their unmarried daughter out of the house.

As awful as things can be, at least the forced removal of tiny babies in the name of moralty/ religion from their mums no longer happens.

Absolutely barbaric! And what kind of god would want that?!

youlookingatme

ExH visited maternity ward with our then 2yr old son to see new baby.After a while,I left exH with baby and went for a walk to the hospital cafe with my little boy.
I pressed buzzer to get back into the ward and was told "Sorry,you can only visit with your own children"
I said "I'm not visiting.I've just given birth.And this is my son"
She asked if I had any ID.Obviously not - I was still in my dressing gown.
So she went and asked another midwife,then eventually let me in saying:
"Sorry,for the delay,I had to check because he doesn't exactly look like you,does he??"

My children are mixed race.