How strict are you with your kids?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

I think I need to be stricter with my daughter, who is just turning seven. She’s become a brat and is becoming difficult to live with. I just feel like we’re constantly arguing and it’s making everyone in the house miserable.
We argue about food, chores, what we’re doing today, going to school, what she’s doing with her clothes and it’s exhausting. She literally wakes me up to start an argument and it just sets me I to a bad mood everyday and my partner too when he’s got to go to work.

She’s being so difficult and I don’t want her to feel miserable but at the same time we’re all miserable atm!

Aibu to ask how strict you are and how you manage things in the home between everyone?

@Jellycatspyjamas

She’s 6 years old, has moved house, a new baby on the way, a mum feeling the impact of pregnancy. She gets herself up and breakfast in the morning, runs her own bath, puts herself to bed, that’s a lot of independence for a small child - it’s no surprise she’s pushing back. I’d be getting up with her in the morning, even if I just had a cup of tea while she ate breakfast, I’d be upstairs with her at bedtime - we have a bedtime routine, my two don’t need bedtime stories now but they do need a routine and I still want to help them settle at night. You might be with her all day, but she’s doing a lot for herself and by herself and has had a lot of change and adjustment to deal with at an age where she can’t process it all. It’s not her fault you’re a stay at home mum, or that you’re struggling with pregnancy, she still needs more practical involvement with you than you want to give her.

Her behaviour is communicating something about how she’s feeling, what do you think that might be?

^this

My DCs like to do things themselves but I make a point of getting up with them in the mornings, saying good morning and having a little chat. It’s nice.

Hmmm I'd look a bit into where she got this from....inappropriate sexual behaviour can be a red flag

Really? Maybe the kid did it once, the parents kicked off and over reacted and now she keeps doing it for attention. Nothing more

@Wingingit15

Sorry OP - hope you don’t mind me asking a question to others as have similar age kids and keep wondering how people actually do discipline them. Where people are saying don’t tolerate whinging about food or shouting etc - what do you actually do to stop it?

I mainly ignore it. They whinge about food… I tell them that that’s what they’ve been served and that’s that, there’s nothing else. No further engagement on the topic. When we had a period of whingy mealtimes I sat them down and said that while I always make an effort to serve them food that I know they like, I’m not a canteen and there is only one option.

This is really sad, she has had massive changes in her life and needs to be parented like the six year old child she is not like a tween.

Get up and make breakfast with her for a start, make pancakes and have fun with her or just sit and have a drink while she eats Yes it’s hard being pregnant when you have a child but that was your choice and not hers

I think the behaviour is a cry for something on one hand and just normal age appropriate stuff on the other.

If you offer breakfast and she says she doesn't want the items offered, don't argue, just stop talking to her.

Put away all the inappropriate clothes.

Asking questions then saying she knows the answers is normal.

I think to argue takes two so if you stop answering back the argument is dead.

Kids need intrinsic motivation to behave well, to do it because it feels good to them.

I know you're spending a lot of time with her at the moment but she is clearly missing something. Get to that and you'll solve some of the issues. The others are just normal for her age and it sounds like you're doing great

@SheABitSpicyToday

She was supposed to be doing sports club but decided she didn’t want to. She’s doing science club for a few days which she’s looking forward to, she loves science.

At seven years old it's not her choice.

You need to say "You're going to x this week". It's not a discussion.

She went once. She screamed and cried at the gates and I felt like a right twat. I compromised with her that she had to at least try it once and if she really didn’t like it she wouldn’t have to go again.

Again, her choice to have breakfast alone because she doesn’t want to wait for me to sort myself out.

She’s 6 years old, doesn’t have the capacity yet to think about waiting for you to sort yourself out. It’s for you to adjust to accommodate her needs, not the other way around. It’s for your partner to support you in your pregnancy and accommodate that, not her. She’s not a mini adult, she’s a child with a child’s understanding and a child’s capacity to process stuff, you really need to consider that when you say she’s making choices to get her own breakfast, put herself to bed, not go to sports camp - some of those decisions aren’t here to make just yet. No wonder she’s confused about what she can and can’t decide.

Yes I’ll just adjust my sickness. Genius.

You can’t adjust your sickness, but you can adjust your expectations of your 6 year old.

What do you think the problem is, OP?

Wtf do you expect me to do then when I’m vomiting for an hour in the morning? Sorry daughter, you’ll just have to starve for the mean time while I sort my shit out so that you can sit and eat with an audience. No. She’s hungry, she wants to eat and is more than happy to go and get herself a bowl of cereal or make some toast.

@SheABitSpicyToday

Wtf do you expect me to do then when I’m vomiting for an hour in the morning? Sorry daughter, you’ll just have to starve for the mean time while I sort my shit out so that you can sit and eat with an audience. No. She’s hungry, she wants to eat and is more than happy to go and get herself a bowl of cereal or make some toast.

Of course she can get her cereal But maybe she is worried seeing you vomit for an hour each day Behaviour is communication Perhaps her grandfather cam have gentle chats and hear what she may be worried or anxious about

You’ve been given lots of good advice here but seem determined to defend your parenting, you have a child who by your admission you don’t like much, and clearly are unhappy being at home with her. She starts and ends the day sorting herself out, and you seem happy to let her get on with with.

What do you think the issue is?

Yeah my dad is going to have a talk with her. She has been worried, and we’ve done everything we can to reassure her. There’s not a lot more we can do on that front. I do need to be more strict with her and I’m going to try and do that from now on and not take the easy route because I’m feeling ill.

People are only trying to help you.

Nobody is saying you can help the sickness but your daughter is six years old - she doesn't understand that she needs parental involvement in her morning and evening routines.

With regards to the screaming, you've basically taught her that if she throws a big enough tantrum/makes enough fuss, she gets what she wants.

Again, she's six years old. Stop giving her so much freedom and choice. You're the parent - if you want her to attend sports club, she attends sports club, regardless of the fuss she tries to create.

You've been given lots of good advice.

What do you want to do?

OP is it your sickness or not? In some posts you say she makes her own breakfast because you are being sick and in another post you say your not getting up early to make it because she can do it herself and it another it’s because you get a bit more sleep. I think you need to reassess things because currently none of you are happy and there are simple changes that you can make to try and fix that.

You also said you let her sort breakfast because it allows you to sleep on for a bit longer.

I go back to bed after being sick because I’m exhausted and I need to lie down.

@Neverrains thank you for answering.
If they keep asking like 79 times in shrieks- how do you keep calm and silent ?! I’m a single parent (relevant as no back up cop) and struggling with this atm so just looking for views

@SheABitSpicyToday

Yeah my dad is going to have a talk with her. She has been worried, and we’ve done everything we can to reassure her. There’s not a lot more we can do on that front. I do need to be more strict with her and I’m going to try and do that from now on and not take the easy route because I’m feeling ill.

Maybe 8t s not about being more strict But listen ing

Get "how to talk so kids will listen" it has goid strategies

Think from her perspective
Mummy us vomiting I am really worried is she dying and being harsh and the new baby is going to be more loved than me mummy does not like me I need to do something to get her attention.....

Direct questions may not work but things like play with dolls where does the new baby go
Drawing her family
Planning her best day when baby is here

All may give you ideas where her thoughts are

We have talks in the evenings before bed and she also likes to go for long drives where we talk about stuff.

[quote SheABitSpicyToday]@BiBabbles yes she makes her own food apart from dinner in the evening, which I cook for all of us usually or my husband cooks when he gets home from work. She eats the same as us, and if she doesn’t want it then tough shit. Yeah never make her eat anything I know she doesn’t like and I don’t force her to finish it but do tell her that there is nothing else to eat after that. She comes down sometimes at 9 to tell me she’s hungry and then I’m stuck with the guilt of us she actually hungry and it’s my fault for not being stricter with her at dinner time or is she just doing it to be a pain.[/quote]
Dds always had cereal or toast couple hours after dinner
She is growing she is hungry
Banana cereal toast
Let her eat something else in the evening before bed

She does these things because she WANTS to.

She's 6. What she wants isn't necessarily what's best for her. I understand it's hard with your pregnancy and health issues, but the way you describe her, what she does and her attitude make it sound as though you are parenting her as though she is 13, not 6.

Also, she may be looking forward to being a big sister in some ways, but it's still a big change and she is probably apprehensive about it too (even if she doesn't realise that herself). Routine and boundaries make children that age feel secure, especially when their position in the family is about to change and they've had the big upheaval of a move. Some of her behaviour sounds deliberately attention-seeking, as though she is pushing for a reaction from you. That's a child crying out for security imo.