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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How strict are you with your kids?

256 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 09:24

I think I need to be stricter with my daughter, who is just turning seven. She’s become a brat and is becoming difficult to live with. I just feel like we’re constantly arguing and it’s making everyone in the house miserable.
We argue about food, chores, what we’re doing today, going to school, what she’s doing with her clothes and it’s exhausting. She literally wakes me up to start an argument and it just sets me I to a bad mood everyday and my partner too when he’s got to go to work.

She’s being so difficult and I don’t want her to feel miserable but at the same time we’re all miserable atm!

Aibu to ask how strict you are and how you manage things in the home between everyone?

OP posts:
YellowMonday · 08/08/2021 16:20

Will you think about trying to spend more day to day time with your DD? Sitting and eating together is really important, it helps to set up the day. With your DD anxiety levels, it might be helpful for her to talk about what's happening that day, what she's excited about, what she's worried about, etc.

At bed time, not wanting to be read to makes it harder, but are you spending some one on one time with her to tuck her in? I would suggest on brain and eye development to move away from watching movies in bed.

icedcoffees · 08/08/2021 16:20

You need to realise how young she is. Get up and eat breakfast with her. And put her to bed every night.

Exactly. She's still in primary school - she's not a teenager. She needs her mum, even if she might not show it.

YellowMonday · 08/08/2021 16:23

And the scissors/bed sheets... As a 7 year old, she may not have the words to express how she is feeling inside and instead may be resorting to cutting to get that message to you.

Iggly · 08/08/2021 16:23

@icedcoffees

You need to realise how young she is. Get up and eat breakfast with her. And put her to bed every night.

Exactly. She's still in primary school - she's not a teenager. She needs her mum, even if she might not show it.

This 100%

My DD will claim more independence and push us away when she’s anxious but I recognise that. The very last thing I do is leave her to it. I make sure I’m around and available. And she will then come to me and start talking etc on her terms, makes us closer.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 16:24

I spend all day every day with her atm. Don’t know why people are making the assumption that I just fuck off and leave her all day to herself.

She does these things because she WANTS to. She chats to me when she’s in the bath because we have an en-suite my she doesn’t like me in the room with her as she enjoys her privacy and wants to just play.

I don’t get up and have breakfast with her because I spend most of my mornings with my head down the toilet being sick. She has the option to wait for me to So we can eat together or she can sort herself out. She chooses to sort herself out. Sometimes she even makes me breakfast and brings it to me. She’s not some sort of neglected little orphan.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 08/08/2021 16:27

No one is saying that she is neglected at all.

But rather that she is acting older than her age and with all the changes in her world that may make her anxious and that's why she is arguing.

To reduce the arguing she needs to feel secure and a simple way to do that is through a really solid regular routine. Breakfast and bedtime bookends the day.

YellowMonday · 08/08/2021 16:30

Hi OP - I think everyone is trying to offer constructive ideas to help. I certainly haven't made the assumptions you've stated.

icedcoffees · 08/08/2021 16:30

I spend all day every day with her atm. Don’t know why people are making the assumption that I just fuck off and leave her all day to herself.

They're not.

They're saying that despite her actions, she's a seven year old child whose world has been turned upside down - she needs your reassurance.

In all honesty, I would have been really upset at 7yo if I was left to make and eat breakfast alone, and to put myself to bed alone. It's not your fault you have morning sickness but nor is it hers.

Can your DP not be there to sort her breakfast and sit with her if you're genuinely too unwell?

Playdoughcaterpillar · 08/08/2021 16:32

I have an argumentative daughter too. You have to try not to get drawn in. Give her the options, she says no, you wall away/disengage where you can. Ignore the shorts, she's doing that for a reaction, they will fall down after a few minutes anyway. Better still someone else will point out her but cheeks and she'll be embarrassed and stop. Give her some direction with the room tidying. Be there and help a bit and direct her what to do.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 16:33

Then why is everyone suggesting I try spending time with her? I spend ALL of my time with her. And I’m exhausted. I hate being a stay at home mum it’s never ever been for me but atm I have no choice.

Again, her choice to have breakfast alone because she doesn’t want to wait for me to sort myself out. She has the option to have a snack and then we will have breakfast together.

OP posts:
Neverrains · 08/08/2021 16:34

No one has said she’s neglected. You asked for advice and people are giving it. She might act like a teenager but she isn’t one, and however intelligent they are, 7 year olds are still 7, and their brains are wired like 7 year olds. Routine and consistency helps with behaviour, shared mealtimes help with bonding and are good times to chat.
She might choose to eat her breakfast alone etc, but there are many things mine would choose to do that I don’t let them because I don’t think it’s in their best interests.
If you think everything you’re currently doing is right and it’s just a hormonal phase then you just need to ride it out i guess.

Neverrains · 08/08/2021 16:36

I also get that it’s hard when pregnant (I have a toddler as well as the 7 and 6 year olds) but it’s also the time that children need the most reassurance, even when they’re completely happy about the situation.

icedcoffees · 08/08/2021 16:37

Because at seven years old, she still needs a parent to put her to bed and to help her get ready in the morning.

I'm sorry you're struggling but you seem to be treating her as though she's 10 or 11 years old and she's not.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/08/2021 16:38

She's a young child and young children shouldn't really be able to choose that much because it's too overwhelming for them. Then they become overwhelmed and one way that manifests is in arguing etc.

Can't your husband have breakfast with her before he goes to work?

It doesn't all.have to be young but people are suggesting that a regular consistent routine might help.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 16:40

No he leaves at 5am.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 08/08/2021 16:42

Is she doing any holiday clubs or similar as that would also help give her structure and you a rest over the summer.

Could you do one day a week for the rest of the summer?

Budapestdreams · 08/08/2021 16:43

I think people are getting distracted here. She has moved house and now has a new baby sibling on the way.

I know she's looking forward to the baby but these are two massive unsettling changes in a child's life.

She needs stability, predicability, routine, and reassurance that you and DP will still love her once baby is here. Also, it may take time for her behaviour to settle. It may not be until after the baby is born and she truly sees that nothing had really changed that she will relax a bit.

She will still be fierce, intelligent and independent though so embrace that and learn how to muddle along together.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 16:45

She was supposed to be doing sports club but decided she didn’t want to. She’s doing science club for a few days which she’s looking forward to, she loves science.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 08/08/2021 16:48

She was supposed to be doing sports club but decided she didn’t want to

She is too young to decide!!

You are the parents and clearly need to rest with bad morning sickness.

She goes to sports club, gets a predictable routine and you get a rest

Wingingit15 · 08/08/2021 16:51

Sorry OP - hope you don’t mind me asking a question to others as have similar age kids and keep wondering how people actually do discipline them.
Where people are saying don’t tolerate whinging about food or shouting etc - what do you actually do to stop it?

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/08/2021 16:52

She’s 6 years old, has moved house, a new baby on the way, a mum feeling the impact of pregnancy. She gets herself up and breakfast in the morning, runs her own bath, puts herself to bed, that’s a lot of independence for a small child - it’s no surprise she’s pushing back. I’d be getting up with her in the morning, even if I just had a cup of tea while she ate breakfast, I’d be upstairs with her at bedtime - we have a bedtime routine, my two don’t need bedtime stories now but they do need a routine and I still want to help them settle at night. You might be with her all day, but she’s doing a lot for herself and by herself and has had a lot of change and adjustment to deal with at an age where she can’t process it all. It’s not her fault you’re a stay at home mum, or that you’re struggling with pregnancy, she still needs more practical involvement with you than you want to give her.

Her behaviour is communicating something about how she’s feeling, what do you think that might be?

Iggly · 08/08/2021 16:54

Discipline? I don’t discipline much because they’re kids and a lot of behaviour is making mistakes.

The things I clamp down on: hitting/being horrible to each other. Usually means a screen ban.

Otherwise we flip it around e.g “once you’ve done your homework/tidied your room, you can do X”. So it’s not a punishment. Constant daily punishments is draining for all concerned.

Things like tidying rooms - I will help them if it’s bad, otherwise I’ll break it down into smaller tasks and I’ll get them to do it.

Generally my kids are pretty good.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/08/2021 16:54

And just another thought about her potential subconscious concerns.

You are pregnant and you say that she doesn't have contact with her dad. It's possible that she is worried about that. She doesn't have a dad and your partner might love his" real " child more and she might get pushed out

Turnitoffandon · 08/08/2021 16:54

I was strict up until both DC reached about 13 - then I relaxed. But they both now know that I mean it when I challenge any brattish behaviour with consequences. It really REALLY helped that both DP and I were on the same page throughout those years. The DC never had that entitled expectation of sympathy from one parent at the expense of the boundaries that had been set out by the other.

godmum56 · 08/08/2021 16:55

@SheABitSpicyToday

Where has she learned to pull shorts up to show her bum?!

I have no idea but she gets told off for it all the time. It’s her pyjama shorts mostly and her underwear.

Hmmm I'd look a bit into where she got this from....inappropriate sexual behaviour can be a red flag