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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
mogsrus · 08/08/2021 07:02

so so wrong on every level,it won't end well,you say you're money struggling,so he does know about it,but not prepared to look it in the face, myself i would cancel

ActonSquirrel · 08/08/2021 07:05

Good question. I'm not sure the OP really knows the definition of eloping.

I'm not sure most people understand the definition of hen party or stag night or honeymoon either.

Stag nights and hen parties are meant to be your last night of freedom as a single person but when you're already living together with a child that ship has sailed.

Ditto honeymoon it is just a holiday now as most people are already living together.

I'd either stay or go but cancelling wedding just to marry him later is pointless

speakout · 08/08/2021 07:07

Visiting a strip club= that alone would be enough for me to cancel the wedding.

FuckingFabulous · 08/08/2021 07:09

I would also be cancelling it. He's literally made the trip unaffordable and ensured you will struggle for weeks, all so he could ogle a stranger.

kensington09 · 08/08/2021 07:12

Hope your ok OP.

I completely understand your anger. Hopefully you can talk to him this morning and decide where you want to go from here.

bitcheeky · 08/08/2021 07:13

Hope you got some sleep OP and can discuss this with him calmly when his head has cleared.

Nc123 · 08/08/2021 07:14

Hey, OP. Hope you are feeling better this morning.

I’d be furious with my bloke too if he had blown the budget. That said, it can be hard to live in a very strict budget and sometimes the temptation is to blow it - especially, I’d imagine, if subjected to the peer pressure of being out on your stag do.

The strip club issue is separate, and if he knows that’s a dealbreaker for you he should have said no to going. I don’t agree that it’s “standard” or “all men do it.” They don’t.

You did the right thing in cleaning out the joint account (though if it has an overdraft facility he may still have been able to use it). Let him pay for his night on his credit card and see how you feel.

You’ve got a choice from here. You can either extend him some compassion for a foolish mistake and stick with him, or you can get rid - but it depends what the rest of your relationship has been like.

Highflyingadored · 08/08/2021 07:16

Honestly dont understand people saying that strip clubs are normal and so is spending loads on a stab.

If your partner in crime has one iota of respect for you they would listen to your wishes and also think about you and your family.

Our stag and hens we both agreed to stay local and not cost a fortune. My husband bought one round and that was it for the whole evening. He and his mates also respected my request to not go to a strip club due to my personal feelings on them .

I also always thought that stag dos the stag buys 1 maybe 2 drinks and possibly pays for own hotel room and other stags chip in for activities etc so if my dh goes on a stag I would expect his costs to be higher and to budget for that.

You could blame drink but even when drunk my dh still respects me and thinks about me and his family .

I'm sorry he has done this to you and hope you can work it out.

woodfort · 08/08/2021 07:23

Hope you are ok this morning Op.

I’m not sure the money is or should be the issue now. It’s spent and it can’t be unspent unless of course his mates give him some back. And the two paths this goes down if you cancel the wedding cost more money anyway - either a) the relationship is over and you move into two households, likely both a bit poorer or b) you re-schedule the wedding after working on it and that costs you the giving notice money and the registry money again, plus any extras that are non-refundable this time.

The question is more do you want to marry this man and bear in mind that not doing so is probably the end of the relationship. You should ABSOLUTELY end it if you want to but do so in the cold light of day not in an angry moment at night when you’re seething.

Hoping you’ve managed to get in touch with him now and think clearly.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/08/2021 07:24

He’s pod £500 to look at naked women when, as a family, you struggling to pay for a very modest weddings and basic family costs.
He’s a massive arsehole and you deserve better.

Iwonder08 · 08/08/2021 07:28

Don't cancel the wedding based on the advice from bunch of strangers whose default option is to leave the bastard.
Strip club is a legally allowed activity and a lot of people consider it unappealing but certainly not a certain event that would break relationship. Going over the budget on stag do is not good when the money is so tight, however is it really worth breaking up over? It is one night. Unless of course he has a general tendency to make poor financial decisions.
OP, you said you love him and you already have a toddler together. Carefully and calmly reassess. If it is a truly one off event with otherwise healthy and harmonious relationship I would let it go.

Birminghambloke · 08/08/2021 07:29

Is there update this morning OP? Did you have a chat with him?

speakout · 08/08/2021 07:32

discuss this with him calmly when his head has cleared.

Yes make sure he is well rested and feeling better- bring him lots of tea and maybe a cooked breakfast. And stay calm- no one likes it when women get annoyed or get cross.

Aye right.

JacquelineCarlyle · 08/08/2021 07:32

Hope you're ok Op. Personally I'd cancel but appreciate that's easy for me to say as I'm not the one living it!

stepupandbecounted · 08/08/2021 07:33

If it is a truly one off event with otherwise healthy and harmonious relationship I would let it go

Until the next time.
And the one after that.

If op marries him she is signing up to a life of putting up with spending money they don't have on sexual exploitation that she does not agree with. Hardly the basis for a strong and happy marriage.

IrisAtwood · 08/08/2021 07:36

@9daystillwedding

Also to add, it's only 10pm so he's probably going to keep spending
So if he was still out how do you know how much he’s spent? Confused
candlelightsatdawn · 08/08/2021 07:42

Have you actually spoken to DH to be ? Or you just watching the money being drained from the account ?

ItsMsAtomicBobToYou · 08/08/2021 07:43

Because @IrisAtwood some banks send notifications on the banking app when money goes in or out of the account. As the OP and numerous other posters have pointed out up the thread.

Baconking · 08/08/2021 07:43

Read the thread @IrisAtwood.

Her banking app sends notifications after each transaction

Mindymomo · 08/08/2021 07:45

It’s really easy to spend money in these clubs. My brother went to one with his friends a couple of years ago. My brother is really tight with money, but spent over £200. Drinks are really expensive.

Despite what everyone has told you here, I would wait and see what he has to say when he gets back, I expect he will feel terrible. My experience with men is they just get carried away whilst being out at night, especially after a few drinks and they just don’t think when they spend money they don’t really have.

SmashingBlouson · 08/08/2021 07:47

Well if he has spent all the money, you can't afford to get married now. Perfect excuse to bolt if you aren't sure about him! I think it is the right choice. He made his when he run up loads of debt and he is going to look like a right idiot now spending so much on his stag do that he can't actually get married. What a prat.

Part of it is probably peer pressure, but his mates should have been paying for him if they insist on all this stuff, not him. He should have put his foot down - It's a lot for a night out by 10pm. To be honest, I wouldn't go near men who frequent strip clubs, as they don't sound very mature.

speakout · 08/08/2021 07:49

. My experience with men is they just get carried away whilst being out at night, especially after a few drinks and they just don’t think when they spend money they don’t really have.

I am sorry that is your experience.
I chose not to have men in my life that go on benders and pay money to women to take off their clothes.

DinosaurDiana · 08/08/2021 07:50

It’s not about the wedding, the question is whether you want to be married to someone who has no hold on his finances.
I know what my answer to that would be.

GrandmasCat · 08/08/2021 07:58

Any chance someone else is using his credit card? Stolen? That amount of spending for someone who is used not to spend too much doesn’t make sense unless he is out of his senses.

PegasusReturns · 08/08/2021 07:58

OP I’m sorry - marrying a financially incontinent man would be a huge error.